tired of making all the decisions

[ez]

I am really feeling this huge burden of all the decision making I have to do in my household. My husband and I both work full time, actually, I work more hours and my job is more physical than his, but I also get saddled with all the decision making..its like he doesn't care either way and everything is left up to me. Whether it be if we should do a refi on our house...to what big screen tv we should get...I am the one doing all the legwork, he takes no initiative whatsoever. We need the outside of our home painted, actually we've needed it for quite some time. Well, first of all, if I hadn't brought up the fact that it needs to be painted, I think he would go on for years being oblivious to it. And I will have to get all the estimates....I was just at lowes looking at tile...and I was overwhelmed at all the choices and the realization that this like everything else will be left up to me...he would look at the first tile he saw and say "thats fine". We just finished our refi...of course I was the one coordinating everything...the only thing I emphatically asked him to do was NOT to make a mortgage payment this month....so what does he do???Had to pay a $30 stop payment fee, or they would have rolled it into my escrow. Sorry for this vent but I'm really fed up! Does anyone else have this problem????

 

[Kissimmee JP]

No problems here. My wife makes all the decisions.

Kidding. Marriage is give and take. If he ain't givin, he's takin. You may want to GENTLY explain yourself. If you can play a jedi mind trick on him and make him think that it was his idea in the process, all the better for you.

Rots 'o Ruck!!

 

[janette]

It's just one of those things sometimes.

I was a little peaved when my DH complained about scheduling the closing for our refinance. That was his entire participation in the whole thing. I did the shopping, paper work all he had to do was show up and still complained when he couldn't pick the closing time that worked best for his schedule.

 

[Dopey Sharon]

Same here only one difference....I also pay all the bills and write all the checks!

 

[Mishetta]

Sorry this is happening to you. It is very stressful when one person has to make all the decisions! Sounds like you just need to let go of some decision making to force him into it!

My DH & I make decisions together. Sometimes that's not so good though. Once I bought a fax machine without us "discussing" it because I just happend to stumble across it & it was only $50. Well, he was very upset with me. Not for the fact that I purchased the fax, but for the fact that we didn't "discuss" it beforehand! Oops! He ended up loving the fax & I heard him say to a friend over the phone that he was so glad we got it at such a great deal!

We also split who we need to call for estimates. I call for the painting estimates, he calls for the lawn care estimates, etc....then we "discuss" who we will choose out of our estimates. It works very well this way.

 

[TIGGERSMOM]

I would say you need to have a long talk with your DH. We didn't have this particular problem but if you let the resentment build it will fester and come out in ways you can't imagine.

Decisions in my house are easy, all the large finances he handles cause that's his job in real life. If I did we would have CC bills and a mortgage, thanks to his planning we are both just 42 & 43 with no mortgage, no large bills looking to retire before 50. As far as the every day drama that is mine I decide on the mundane that keeps us running smoothly. The rest the medium decisions and purchases over 500.00 are mutual, unless they are Disney in which case all bets are off.

 

[holycow]

I understand where you are coming from but....are you a controling person?...if your DH did make a decision on his own would you be satisfied with it or critical because it was the first thing he looked at?..(the tile for example)...sometimes people get tired of the power struggle and just give in instead of fighting it.

Just a thought.

holycow

 

[Serena]

I wish I knew what to say to help. I'm sorry, that must be very frustrating.

 

[Pebblszzz]

I had that same problem with my "ex".

One day I said to him, "You know - I do get tired of being both the husband AND the wife in this marriage sometimes!"

It was kinda mean, ok, real mean. But I'd HAD IT.

We're not married anymore.

Now I'm extremely happily re-married, and we make decisions together. Hubby's VERY opinionated, and has a hard time giving in when we disagree - so sometimes I just wish he'd leave it to me to decide things!

So there ya have it - it can be hard on you either way.

If I were in your shoes, I'd pick out the paint & the tile, then hand it over to him to do the dirty work (painting and laying the tile). That's splitting up the duties, in my opinion!

 

[Dopey Sharon]

Originally posted by holycow
I understand where you are coming from but....are you a controling person?...if your DH did make a decision on his own would you be satisfied with it or critical

LOL!!! That's exactly how I am...that's why it works out so well for us...celebrating our 25th anniversary this summer. I guess he figured out, early on, that is was better to just let me have my way. Remember the Everybody Loves Raymond episode, where he complains about not making decisions....

 

[Pin Wizard]

I hear you loud and clear! As a single parent (widowed) to a soon to be 10 year old (this Saturday) I have to say that I HATE MAKING EVERY SINGLE DECISION alone. Parenting is great and I love my little one to bits! It's the rest of the garbage I can't stand. Bills? I can't face them at this point. I think I'm long overdue for a vacation. IF I get an income tax refund this year (haven't since I got married in 1988!), then WE'RE GOING TO DISNEY! Keep your fingers crossed. Sorry you're feeling it too, ez.

 

[christi]

I know exactly where you are coming from. My DH is EXACTLY the same, even down to this trip, he really is not interested and considers himself only there to pay for things or watch the kids!! I can truly sympathise! I do everything with house, kids etc and still work fulltime. I've tried nagging, pleading, persuading, refusing to do it, nothing seems to make any difference. Have you any ideas?

 

[Ilove8Trax]

Ah, i know this feeling! I get it constantly from friends and family. It can be the simpliest things too like "Where do you wanna eat?" "What movie do you wanna get?" "Where do you wanna go?"

It's like no one wants to be responsible if something goes "bad" during the experiance, so they volunteer someone else to make desicions instead of asking your opinion and then deciding together. It can get annoying and somewhat stressful. But, hey, they do leave it up to you, so take advantage of what you want while also considering the others involved. That's what i try to do, or sometimes i say "It's your turn" "Or why don't you care? Care this one time and tell me"

 

[grinningghost]

I understand your situation. My DH leaves all the important stuff to me too. He was oblivious to what happened in the refi of our mortgage. He didn't even really want it explained to him, just do it. No matter what we do to our house, he lets me choose. I think he does that because he thinks it makes me happy. I pay all the bills and write all the checks. He has no clue what gets paid and when. He puts his check in the bank and it's all up to me. However, I like this arrangement - I know the bills are getting paid. He's kind of wild with money.

 

[apagano]

I can't say that DW and I make all our decisions together, but we certainly try to involve each other in making important decisions. Some things I just don't care about and leave it up to her. Home decorating, for example. My input is basically this: as long as you leave my TV room alone and don't blow our savings, then it's OK by me. Sometimes it's the opposite, like making travel arrangements. I'll show her a printout from the internet of all the different air fares and hotel rates and she just cringes. Sometimes we both have opinions and try to compromise.

ez, as Doctor Phil would say, "it's time to stop complaining and start asking." You've got to let him know that you need him to be part of making decisions. At the same time, don't overwhelm him with a bunch of big decisions at once. After all, while choosing tile might seem important, it's really not in the overall scheme of things.

 

[RNMOM]

I think I understand just how you feel. I have a great DH, everyone tells me so. Yeah, he seems so great because he gets all the credit for all the planning, arranging, estimating, researching, etc, etc I do.

He pays the bills?? I do all the financial stuff. I have recently backed off making any decisions about the teen boys because they have told me I am "controlling". They are finding out just how hard it is to have what then want and need since they have to rely on dad to make the arrangements. Doesn't happen most of the time.

Oh well, Just do what you have to be content and happy and realize that not having to argue your point has some merit too.

 

[CynJ]

I feel your pain - I make all the decisions for DH and me. It stinks.

 

[Mskanga]

Boy oh boy....do you know how many times dh has taken over the bills and three months later he gives them right back to me because he can't do everything?
I pay most of them online , he has no clue. DH is dangerous with money, just a couple of months ago when we went on vacation he finally admitted that it was nice to go on vacation, have everything paid for , bills and vacation.
As far as house decorating, let's just say that he can't stand what he did two years ago in the house, he decided to put tile on the entire livingroom , dinningroom , kitchen and hallway area, he hates it now! I told him before he did it but he didn't listen , now he wants to rip it out and put carpet down ( like I suggested two years ago ).
I'm the one doing everything else, painting, gardening, moving things, cleaning, signing kids up for activities, and I also work part-time.
Just to give you an idea, DH was very pushy about DD1 going to CCD classes at our local church, the first year I was working different hours and I could take her, I signed her up and took her the entire year. Then my hours changed and I told dh HE would have to sign her up AND take her, she hasn't gone back!

 

[caitycaity]

i have the same problem, though dh pays the bills, when it comes to anything else, i end up making all the other decisions. it does annoy me sometimes. i know a sure way to have something not done is to assign it to dh.