Tips please

[TheGreg1982]

ok, something serious this time. Does anyone have any tips on coming out? I'm not exactly sure how to tell my family or even if I really should.

 

[earfulofmagic]

Is there a reason for hesitation with telling your family? Or, more to your question, what do you mean by if you really should?

For me: my partner, most of my friends, and others who are "safe" people know. My estranged and highly conservative family do not know, but they don't need to because we don't talk!

My coworkers... meh. I'm one of those people who is fine with making friends at work, but unless we're really friends outside of work as well, there's only so much I want to share. If it were ever relevant in conversation or some situation, I would mention. But I pass for straight -- and at my workplace, I'm not sure anyone cares anyway.

However, when friends/acquaintances learn, it's kind of like nobody bats an eye, because to a lot of people I'm not ~actively queer enough~ to register it being news, if that makes sense. Also, my coming out was all through high school and college (liberal PNW). I say this because we live in different places and you're about 10 years older than me if your profile info is accurate, so my coming out story is probably different than what you'll go through. I'm not sure if I have helpful tips, because it was almost like I was...just out and that was it.

Question: do you have any LGBTQ+ friends IRL? You could probably start there if you want to start somewhere with a high rate of acceptance. Plus, they might take you to the local gay bar, which made me feel like I was making my societal debut.

But as for how/what to say to come out, I await your answers to the questions here first!

 

[TheGreg1982]

I live in a very small town in Tennessee which is overall very conservative. I'm studying to be a teacher and I'm concerned with what could happen there.

My 78 year old lung cancer patient grandmother lives with me and she is super anti everything. My 17 year old brother lives with me as well and I'm concerned about hurting our relationship which is already strained as it is.

After I lost my job and started back to school none of my 'work friends' kept communicating/responding to me and I never made friends outside of work easily. (I also don't drink so I don't go to bars much lol)

I've always been a homebody. Between school, granny's doctor appointments, and getting my brother started in college I have very little time to myself.

It just feels like a powder keg ready to go off if I say the wrong thing about this.

 

[earfulofmagic]

To be honest, and this is the unpopular opinion... if I were you, I would not tell your grandmother. I would probably wait to tell your brother if things are strained, at least until you're done studying or he starts college. But, ultimately, you know him better. How do you think he might react?

What's the law in TN? Can they fire you based on sexuality?

I grew up in a small (now expanding) town in Florida, so I get that part. It sounds like you're really between a rock and a hard place. Would you feel personally safe coming out in your town? What are the prevailing attitudes (that you can see) towards anyone who's not cis/het?

 

[TheGreg1982]

They technically can't fire you over sexuality however I've seen several good teachers fired for trumped up reasons. If they want to get rid of you they will find a way.

As far as the town? 20 minutes from my house there used to be a sign put up by the sheriff saying African Americans (in less savory turns) shouldn't be caught out after dark. Things have improved, but not a whole lot. Lots of racism and bigotry, from otherwise very nice people.

 

[earfulofmagic]

There are many ways this could go for you, so take my words with the biggest rock of salt you can find. As painful as it is to not be out, I'd be scared AF in that situation. That's not a reassuring thing to say. I'm sorry!! But people are coming out in droves with hate... I'd tell people I could trust and that's it.

Assuming that includes your family, I have no idea how you would tell your brother. But I think you could definitely use a support network, and this section of the DIS is a start.

How have you envisioned coming out?

 

[TheGreg1982]

To tell the truth I hadn't gotten a clear vision. Dating isn't a problem since I basically do t get to lol, but there are some traditionally "girly" things that I like that I don't think my family would put up with. (Family I have left are my brother and grandmother, that's it)

Oh, and there is the whole point of me being catholic as well so I don't know how that squares with the church lol

 

[Juan J. Cordero]

Hi Greg,
So the main reason why you want to come out is so you could do some traditionally "girly" things. Does that mean you haven't nor are you currently doing those things? Any other reasons?
I completely agree with earfulofmagic on not coming out at this time.
I would definitely spare your grandmother the experience of you coming out while she's battling lung cancer.
As for your brother, coming out might mean doing more damage to an already strained relationship.
This opinion comes from my personal experience, coming out at 22, it took a good 20 years for my family to finally (kinda) come to terms with my sexuality. And to tell you the truth, almost 30 years later, I'm still a,little bitter about the whole situation, since I was under the impression that they would be understanding and supportive.

 

[TheGreg1982]

Hi Greg,
So the main reason why you want to come out is so you could do some traditionally "girly" things. Does that mean you haven't nor are you currently doing those things? Any other reasons?
I completely agree with earfulofmagic on not coming out at this time.
I would definitely spare your grandmother the experience of you coming out while she's battling lung cancer.
As for your brother, coming out might mean doing more damage to an already strained relationship.
This opinion comes from my personal experience, coming out at 22, it took a good 20 years for my family to finally (kinda) come to terms with my sexuality. And to tell you the truth, almost 30 years later, I'm still a,little bitter about the whole situation, since I was under the impression that they would be understanding and supportive.

To do the things I want to do without fear of being ridiculed is one reason yes. The other is just to be me and not have to feel like there is something wrong with me because I have to hide this part of my life. (... and to eventually find the right guy for me and be able to snatch him up lol) those are the reasons I would want to come out.

But I've waited this long, a little longer won't kill me I suppose.

 

[Juan J. Cordero]

I would not expect being ridiculed, in case it happens, just by being out. If it's going to happen it's likely to happen either way.

Ask yourself this, do you need any more stress in your life at the moment?

 

[TheGreg1982]

I would not expect being ridiculed, in case it happens, just by being out. If it's going to happen it's likely to happen either way.

Ask yourself this, do you need any more stress in your life at the moment?

My family will ridicule you for things far smaller than this lol, we aren't a very tender bunch I'm afraid.

To your point, no I don't need a lot of stress in y life, I don't know I guess I'm just running through my options

 

[earfulofmagic]

Man, I keep thinking about this, and I feel for you. Have you considered being out conditionally? Like... in certain places, e.g. WDW, and "coincidentally" going during Gay Days (idk if you normally go solo, in which case you don't need to front). That could help in the meantime. Still not ideal, but something. You've probably already thought of it or this is your current reality, but thought I'd mention on the off-chance...

 

[TheGreg1982]

I usually go to wdw with my brother. However if I lose to my target weight I've told myself I'm going for at least a weekend by myself and enjoying it

 

[srwarden1928]

and to eventually find the right guy for me and be able to snatch him up lol

This assumes that the "right guy" is out. He may be just as closeted as you for good reasons.

 

[TheGreg1982]

This assumes that the "right guy" is out. He may be just as closeted as you for good reasons.

That is true. I suppose life in the wide world goes on much as it has this past age, full of its own comings and goings, scarcely aware of the existence of TheGreg... for which I am very thankful.


Sorry, just finished rewatching the Lord of the Rings and couldn't help quoting. I'm such a nerd

 

[Juan J. Cordero]

Hey Greg, how are you doing with this? Any progress?

 

[TheGreg1982]

Talking with everyone here definitely helps. However for now I think I'll have to keep things to myself at home. The family situation is just too fragile.

At least I can be me online.

 

[Juan J. Cordero]

Glad it helped you to talk about it.

Remember, you can be you, even if you are not out.

 

[TheGreg1982]

Thanks a lot

 

[Juan J. Cordero]

Changing topic. One of these days I'll ask you a bunch of questions about the deluxe dining plan