Time to pay the piper, boys...(long) NEW & IMPROVED contract #50

[Luv2Scrap]

Oh, yeah. That is part of the plan!





I'm not making excuses, I'm telling it like it is. I have a sister who is mentally ill, and she can't work or keep an apartment on her own either. If you met her you'd understand why. She stopped maturing when she was 19, the same year she became psychotic. If not for family helping her get medical help and assistance finding a secure place to live she would be living under a bridge. We don't want that for our young men.

We are trying to change the way we have been dealing with the guys. The fact that they have ADHD and bipolar inherently makes it more difficult for them to be successful in the traditional way. Perhaps you don't understand that--bipolar can be every bit as debilitating as heart disease or stroke. The reason we're going slow with this is because they need help learning. We have obviously not been too successful with this, which is why we are tightening up now and making much stiffer penalties. Setting them both in the street isn't going to teach them to swim. It may very well exacerbate their mental illness and make it very hard for them to continue going to school and finding a job.
Today I sought out some counseling to help me figure out how to approach this. The therapist is in agreement with everything--the contract, the penalties, the deadlines. We have decided that 30 days will give them time to get enrolled for the fall quarter, if they're going to do that, and get a job.

I agree. I think you're doing the right thing for YOUR situation, where something more extreme would probably be right for someone else's situation.

 

[DizBelle]

No, I'm not going to hire a maid. I want them to clean up after themselves. We're all eating and cooking. There are 2 teens and 2 adults using the one guest bathroom. From the age of 12 I have expected my kids to do their own laundry. DH takes care of ours. I do not expect anyone to launder my unmentionables.

My DD16 keeps her things picked up, for the most part. I never have to ask her to do laundry. Any time I assign housework, like cleaning up the kitchen, vacuuming, cleaining the bathroom she does a good job without complaint. That's what I expect from the boys.



Exactly. If the boys didn't live here I would only be cleaning up after DH, myself, DD16 & DS14. And DH & DD16 clean as well as I do (DS14 is severely mentally handicapped, like an 12-18 month old; he cannot do any chores.) I'm not looking for free maid service. I'm just asking them to do their fair share.



Thank you. This young man had a difficult upbringing. His parents kicked him out when he was 17yo with nowhere to go( they have 5 kids younger than him; they just wanted him to be on his own--without a HS diploma.Sheesh.) We took him in and helped him graduate HS. His mother died 2 years later of alcoholism. Eric is really trying to make a future for himself. I have an extra bed so I gave it to him. He's a good young man and he likes to cook for me sometimes. I think he wants to "pay his way." I am happy to let him save face.

You are quite a woman to take in Eric when you've already got plenty of challenges at home. Fortunately, it seems like Eric is grateful.

 

[DizBelle]

Okay, here's an updated contract. This contract gives them 6weeks to be fully up to speed and paying their own way. The reason i have included specific dates is so I will know who didn't do their chores. It will also prevent the "not my turn" arguments. I have included the exact cleaning instructions so that there is no misunderstanding what is expected of them. I took out the penalties because there needs to be more flexibility. There are penalities, however, including being asked to leave our home.


House & Yard W
ork Contract
Eric & John


Mon & Thurs----1. Clean room. Sweep, fold or hang clothes, CDs/DVDs put away, trash out, wires neat. Laundry in basket. Sheets on bed.

Tues(Fri) -------2. Clean kitchen--wipe counters microwave dishwasher & stove, dishes in dishwasher, wash any dishes that don’t fit in dishwasher, trash out, sweep floor.

Tues(Sat)------------1. Do all your laundry, including sheets. Gather towels, washcloths, & mat: wash them. Put clean sheets on bed

2. Clean hall bath. Sweep, wipe counters & toilet. Bleach tub (bleach solution: ¼ cup bleach, small amt shampoo, small tub water). Replace towels and mat.

Sep1--------------Mow grass every other month. chore already done by Eric yesterday
Weeks 1 & 3-----Blow driveway to street. Use 2-3 orange cords
Week 2 & 4------Pick up pine cones in front yard(back yard)

Deadlines:
Sep 20--- Must have some kind of job.

Oct 1----Rent $25/week is due on Sunday of each week, or $100 every 2 weeks.


Finding a job is your Job 1. If you are not actively looking(that is, going out for face to face encounters) the internet will be permanently cut off, beginning in 7 days.

If you are going to school full-time , part-time work is expected.

If you are not going to school, full-time work is expected. Get two part-time jobs if necessary.

You must be out of the house between the hours of 10am and 4pm, unless you have a job that requires you to work night shift.




I agree to abide by these house & yard rules. If I have a conflict I will bring it to Mom & Dad for careful consideration and I will abide by their decision. I understand that this contract will be reviewed and may be changed Oct 1.

_(signed)_________________________________________ __

You may want to have a very specific definition of what "actively looking for a job" means. How many applications do they have to put in every day/week? How many interviews do they have to have and how often? Look into what the requirements for unemployement benefits are and put the same requirements on them. Because that's exactly what they are getting.

 

[Rose&Mike]

to you MinkyDog. Sounds like you are really trying to do the best thing for the boys. Good luck to you and your kids.

 

[Magic Mom]

We are trying to change the way we have been dealing with the guys. The fact that they have ADHD and bipolar inherently makes it more difficult for them to be successful in the traditional way. The reason we're going slow with this is because they need help learning. .

Then get rid of the internet (at least for them.) You are doing them no favors by enabling their daily game playing. If they choose to go to the library to play, that's their choice, but you shouldn't be making it available for them. Forget the chore list and make it a requirement theat they go to counseling, school, and some sort of part time job . They will never be able to be independent as long as you treat them like they are babies. They don't need help learning, they need to be pushed into learning. Why would they want to do anything for themselves when they know Mom will do it all for them. Expect a little more from them so they start expecting a little more from themselves!

 

[Mkrop]

You may want to have a very specific definition of what "actively looking for a job" means. How many applications do they have to put in every day/week? How many interviews do they have to have and how often? Look into what the requirements for unemployement benefits are and put the same requirements on them. Because that's exactly what they are getting.

I agree with this. Also you mention that they need to go face to face but many places want apps and resumes submitted online. You need to track that they are doing this online or face to face. They can tell you they applied to Walmart, but did they really.

I know when my DBro went through his I dont want to get a job, I want to be a bum and play PS2 all day phase, that he would lie his butt off to my mom that he was "looking", but did he even apply. I think he had the screens up and when my mom wasnt looking he surfed other stuff. He would go out for a bit and say everyone told him they were not hiring. She was not computer savvy enough to know. I started sending him job listing via email, and then have my mom or I ask and then he started whining about how they were not the "right job for him". I also asked to look at his resume and it was a mess, so maybe go over theirs with them or ask how they are filling out apps. I know they are grown but I tell you I think my DBro had no clue that his resume was crap. After a few of those, my mom gave him the ultimatum, amazingly he got a job shortly after this.


GL I hope they get their acts together!

 

[rie'smom]

With their ADHD and bipolar disorder I think going to school full-time and working full-time is probably not realistic. Our goal is for them to actually finish their training. I'm glad that your husband has got his act together. I don't think these boys are quite as mature as your husband.

Well, the military didn't want either of these boys due to their disabilities(ADHD and bipolar--seriously, would you want to hand either of them a bazooka?) If I have to restrict them from the internet I will be confiscating their laptops. they can go to the library and use the internet for free if they just have to have it. I do like your suggestion of getting a fulltime job or going to school within 2 months and I may change the contract to reflect that.

I'm sorry but this cracked me up!

You know these boys better than any of us. I think that you and your husband are doing the right thing in the way you feel is best. Good luck, I hope things work out for you.

 

[minkydog]

You are quite a woman to take in Eric when you've already got plenty of challenges at home. Fortunately, it seems like Eric is grateful.

/Thanks. He is so grateful for indoor plumbing and a safe place to sleep he's willing to do just about anything.

Then get rid of the internet (at least for them.) You are doing them no favors by enabling their daily game playing. If they choose to go to the library to play, that's their choice, but you shouldn't be making it available for them. Forget the chore list and make it a requirement theat they go to counseling, school, and some sort of part time job . They will never be able to be independent as long as you treat them like they are babies. They don't need help learning, they need to be pushed into learning. Why would they want to do anything for themselves when they know Mom will do it all for them. Expect a little more from them so they start expecting a little more from themselves!

All good points. Up for consideration as we speak.

I agree with this. Also you mention that they need to go face to face but many places want apps and resumes submitted online. You need to track that they are doing this online or face to face. They can tell you they applied to Walmart, but did they really.

I know when my DBro went through his I dont want to get a job, I want to be a bum and play PS2 all day phase, that he would lie his butt off to my mom that he was "looking", but did he even apply. I think he had the screens up and when my mom wasnt looking he surfed other stuff. He would go out for a bit and say everyone told him they were not hiring. She was not computer savvy enough to know. I started sending him job listing via email, and then have my mom or I ask and then he started whining about how they were not the "right job for him". I also asked to look at his resume and it was a mess, so maybe go over theirs with them or ask how they are filling out apps. I know they are grown but I tell you I think my DBro had no clue that his resume was crap. After a few of those, my mom gave him the ultimatum, amazingly he got a job shortly after this.


GL I hope they get their acts together!

Yes, yes, yes. Eric's resume is less than stellar, but John's is excellent. My DH is very good at making resumes and he has offered to help them with theirs. Eric so far has taken him up on it and we will require it of John, as well.

I'm not computer savvy enough to check up on them. I'm not sure what to do about that. But we have decided to turn off the internet and they have to be out of the house during the daytime. They have 30 days to secure a job, so they better get with it. We start charging rent Monday. Eric is in school full-time so we'll cut him a break. He may have to do yard and repairs to work off some of his rent. John is receiving unemployment so he definitely can pay up. And if they don't comply? Then I guess we'll have to call it a day.

 

[NC State]

This is just childish. Just show them the door and the problem is solved.

I think you are right...I wouldn't let it start. I guess I'm have tough-love to help themself.

 

[minkydog]

Okay. Because I just *know* you all are dying to see whether I've come to my senses, I present you...The Contract. The internet is officially history. I wish to thank the Academy, er...the DIS for (most) of your advice. Most of it has been genuine constructive criticism and I'm always willing to consider that. I know it's not going to be easy; DH & I are going to have to join the New Order, too. We're serious about helping the guys get educated and grow up. The Contract will put us all on the same page so there is no question about what was said, kind of like keeping minutes at a meeting.
............................................................


Contract

1. Clean room twice a week. Sweep, fold or hang clothes, CDs/DVDs put away, trash out, wires neat. Laundry in basket. Sheets on bed.

2. Clean kitchen twice a week--wipe counters microwave dishwasher & stove, dishes in dishwasher, wash any dishes that don’t fit in dishwasher, trash out, sweep floor.

3. Do all your laundry, including sheets once a week or more. Put clean sheets on bed.

4. Clean hall bath twice a week. Sweep, wipe counters & toilet. Bleach tub (bleach solution: ¼ cup bleach, small amt shampoo, small tub water).Gather used towels, washcloths, & mat: wash them. Replace with fresh towels and mat.


Rules for living in our house:

1. Chores cannot be bartered or given away to others.

2. You must be out of the house between the hours of 10am and 4pm, unless you are working night shift.

3. You must have a job within 30 days,by ____________.

4. Rent is $50/week, payable each Monday beginning Aug 24.

5. If you are enrolled in school full-time, your rent is $25/week, or you may work your rent off with chores. Check with Dad before beginning.

-Mow grass once a month.
--Blow driveway to street
--Pick up pine cones in front & back yard.
--Clean out gutters.
--Paint porch railings.
--Rake pine straw.
--Refinish furniture.
--Build shelves.
--Paint walls.
--Put up wallpaper
--Remove carpet.
--Strip wallpaper.
--Other inside or outside jobs as needed



I agree to abide by these house rules. I understand that failing to comply will result in being asked to leave. If I have a conflict I will bring it to Mom & Dad for careful consideration and I will abide by their decision. I understand that this contract will be reviewed and may be changed Oct 1.

(signed)______________________________

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

Just one question...how are you going to make sure they don't have access to the Internet? I'm assuming you're not making the whole household give it up, since that doesn't seem quite fair to you, your husband, or your daughter.

 

[minkydog]

Just one question...how are you going to make sure they don't have access to the Internet? I'm assuming you're not making the whole household give it up, since that doesn't seem quite fair to you, your husband, or your daughter.

Our personal computers have never been shared.We've disconnected their laptops and we've changed all the passwords. We check our history every day. I'm considering taking my laptop to my bedroom at night. It will be a very serious infraction if either of them use our computers.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

Our personal computers have never been shared.We've disconnected their laptops and we've changed all the passwords. We check our history every day. I'm considering taking my laptop to my bedroom at night. It will be a very serious infraction if either of them use our computers.

The only problem with that is that if they have laptops, most (all?) laptops have wireless cards in them so all they have to do is find an unsecured network that's close enough to you to tap into, unless I'm misunderstanding something and they can't connect their computers to anything electrically either.

 

[Maridw]

Kudos to you. I know how you feel. My DD is 22 and currently living on her own. She just recently lost her job and is trying to figure out how to pay the rent, car payment and insurance. She has been looking and now is willing to take just about any job.

I wish she would move back in, but know that she really wants to be on her own. Plus she has her BF living with her. It is hard to take a hard stance like you did, but in the long run, they will be glad you did. My parents did it with me at about that same age.

to you.

 

[minkydog]

Well, the "intervention" is done. We met with each one separately and allowed them to choose the days that they'll do their chores based on their various schedules. Eric and Eleni took it in stride. They understood it for what it was--an opportunity to have an adult face-to-face and take responsibility for their life in the house. John pronounced the whole "stoopid", but he agreed to abide by the rules. Although, he did sign it "Butty McButts." Doesn't matter, he still has to have a job by Sep 19 or he has to enroll in school. All of a sudden, school is looking preeeetty good to him.

They're all upset about the internet. I didn't think about they could just hook up to another network. Ce la vie. I'm not going to micromanage this operation. Eric has papers to write. He plans to go to school tomorrow and do his work. John is pissed as he can be on general principle. Too bad, so sad. We're really not trying to be hiney-butts; we just want them to grow up.

One small step for Mom & Dad, one giant leap for Man-boys...