This wedding guest has a question for the brides

[KelNottAt]

DH and I have been invited to a wedding. The groom is a relative of mine; we share the same great-grandmother. (Our fathers are first cousins, so I guess that makes us 2nd or 3rd? But, I digress.) We hardly know each other.

Anyway, our kids were not invited. That's fine, I understand. We didn't invite kids to our wedding, either.

The wedding is in Falls Church, Virginia and the reception is in downtown Washington DC. Just a wee bit too far and too long for us to leave the kids alone on a Saturday afternoon-evening while we attend. We've ruled out family member supervision, they'll all be at the wedding. And I am not the kind who looks to solicit sleepover invitations. The kids are too old for a baby sitter (7th and 9th grades).

So we decided to get a room at the reception hotel. The kids will be happy as pigs in slop hanging out in the room ordering room service, movies and vid games while we're down at the reception. Under no circumstances (well, except life or death matters) would I allow the kids to enter the reception uninvited. We're all looking forward to the overnight hotel stay so we can do a family DC field trip the next day.

My question is this: What if the kids were present at the church? We really don't have a place for them be prior to the reception. Leaving them alone at the hotel makes me kinda nervous. Would it be out of line for them sit quietly in a pew?

If I was the bride I suppose I'd be upset to see 2 uninvited and unexpected kids sitting among my church guests. My guts tells me to include a note on the RSVP to mention that the kids will be at the CHURCH ONLY. But, I don't know this girl at all and fear I could trigger a meltdown or unnecessary stress or worse - a bridezilla scene - by raising the subject.

What should I do? Please vote. (poll coming)

I really need the advice of impartial DISers. If I ask any family members I bet they'll just say "Oh, ceremony only, no problem. It's a public event in a public place" just to be nice. Then I'll go down in history as the tacky distant cousin who brought her kids to the church.

TIA

 

[rockbottomsound]

Aww, come on, crash it with your kids, have them purposely make a lot of noise and put their hands in the wedding cake and generally chow down on all the food. Then you could have a funny story for the board.

 

[FormrCastMbr]

In my neck of the woods, anyone can attend the church ceremony. I remember when I got married the first time, the church was filled with my sister's friends.

Also, I think you can leave them in the hotel...they are old enough...but you know your kids best... HTH!!!

 

[Poohnatic]

I'd note on the RSVP that the kids would only be at the ceremony. It's not going to cost them more for the kids to be there, they are old enough that they're not going to be disruptive. Hey, you're a distant cousin, you can get away with that stuff. Just be sure to have them dress in 'church clothes', not that they've got to go all out.

I think your solution for the reception is a good one.

Suzanne

 

[PaulaSue]

I would have you or your Dh sit with them out in the car, or at another place, during the Wedding if you are not going to ask for them to be included in the church part.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I would notify the groom of your intentions to make sure it would be okay. I think the hotel room is an excellent compromise.


It isn't like you are crashing the ceremony with a screaming toddler.

 

[diznygirl]

We were invited to a wedding once where they didn't want any children at the ceremony cuz there were going to be a lot of candles.

I'd try to find out through the family grapevine if it would be okay for the kids to be at the ceremony. If it's not for some reason and you don't find out until you get there, then they will be sitting in the car.

 

[shirleyb]

If they were my kids, at that age, I'd probably leave them at the hotel.

If you're really not comfy with that, I'd either do one of two things -

1. Enclose a note saying your teenagers will be at the church ceremony only if that's ok? As a bride, I wouldn't have cared.

2. Stay with them at the hotel, and just send DH to the wedding. Since they don't really know you anyhow, they probably won't notice you're missing!

ETA: I"d probably feel safer with them in the hotel room than a car, but that's just me.

 

[SDFgirl]

Honestly, I don't even think she (the bride) would notice, unless it's a very, very small wedding ceremony.

I'd just include a note about CEREMONY ONLY and maybe mention, "If this is a problem, please don't hesitate to call me at 555-5555."

 

[goofy4tink]

There are photos from my first wedding that show people none of us even know at the church!!! Evidently just about anyone can walk into a church and watch a wedding ceremony.When I was married the second time, it was a very small wedding and reception. I had some coworkers who dearly wanted to be there for the wedding. But since if I invited them, I would have had to invite the entire dept of 30 people, they decided to 'crash' the ceremony. No one had any problem with it at all.
I think you've come up with a fantastic solution. I would just note that the children would be present for the wedding but not the reception. If your family is anything like my family, the groom's family will get the message quickly!! And most likely be very happy with your response. It's not as if your kids were very young and would cause a disturbance. I can see that being an issue with an infant or a toddler, but not older kids.

 

[Sandy V.]

If it were me, I would leave them at the hotel while my DH and I attended the wedding and reception. A 9th grader and a 7th grader should be just fine during that time. But only you know your kids and what you're comfortable with.

I would NOT, however, just show up at the church with my kids. The bride and groom specifically invited you and your DH ONLY. It would not be in good taste to bring them. Just my opinion.

 

[crz4mm2]

I'd note on the RSVP that the kids would only be at the ceremony. It's not going to cost them more for the kids to be there, they are old enough that they're not going to be disruptive. Hey, you're a distant cousin, you can get away with that stuff. Just be sure to have them dress in 'church clothes', not that they've got to go all out.

I think your solution for the reception is a good one.

Suzanne

I like this response.

 

[GJM]

Where I live anyone can go to the church - I know of lots of people if they have a family member in the wedding party but not invited to the wedding, they go to the church.

Your children are old enough that they won't cause a distraction such as crying.

 

[lulu71]

I would skip the ceremony altogether. Check in to the hotel, get gussied up and stroll down to the reception at the time you think they would arrive. No one will know.

 

[Kimberle]

You don't need an invitation to attend the church, only the reception itself. You kids are old enough to know how to behave, so I'd just bring them. If I could, I'd mention to a close member of the family that you're bringing the kids to the church only. Most brides just don't want screaming babies or small children runing around disrupting the service. If the family seems to object, then I just wouldn't go to the church. (Around her, over half of the guests skip the church. Generally, the reception is hours after the church.)

 

[LadyyRedd]

I'd be happy to come hang out with the kids during the day if I can order room service and movies and video games too.

Kimya

 

[helenabear]

I wouldn't bring them to the church at all. I would probably go by myself to the wedding and then go on to the reception. I'm not sure that I would let a 7th and 9th grader alone in a strange hotel though. I'd sooner try to leave them with a family friend for the day. JMO

 

[CF'er]

I would say that most "no children" requests are due to the disruptions and extra expense. Since the kids are older I would take them to the ceremony, appropriately dressed as was said, and I like the hotel option for them for the reception.

 

[Oreo Cookie]

Where I live anyone can go to the church - I know of lots of people if they have a family member in the wedding party but not invited to the wedding, they go to the church.

Your children are old enough that they won't cause a distraction such as crying.

The church ceremony is open, you don't RSVP for that, you RSVP for the reception. It would be okay to have them attend the church service, but if you want to feel more comfortable with it, just make a call to the family and see if it's okay.

 

[mking624]

Unless the invitation is specific, generally wedding ceremonies are open invite.
I had to chuckle at your poll choice of "Baptist, probably short". Not knowing what your definition of "short" is...DH & I are Baptist and our ceremony was an hour. I've been to other Baptist weddings that were an hour or so as well. You can't assume how short or long a ceremony would be, therefore I would never advise leaving your children alone in the car.
The option of whether you should trust them alone in the hotel...well, we can't answer that for you...we don't know your children. Only you can answer whether or not you would trust them alone in a hotel. But I would also check into hotel guidelines, some places are particular about what ages children can be left unsupervised at.

The easiest way to solve this is to contact the bride and/or groom yourself and find out directly from them. In the end, it doesn't matter what our opinions are or what other family members' opinions are....you need to get the definitive answer directly from the source.