Thinking about the "having affair" thread

[sm4987]

I was wondering how open is your Spouse/boyfriend/s.o. Are they cool with friendships with the opposite sex?? Mine is not. He gets so paranoid when any man is around me. We end up with this discussion that makes it very uncomfortable and I feel that I am constantly having to reassure him. This is even after 11 years of marriage!! Have I ever given him just cause to be concerned, never. He's the one who's been in more situations with women that were questionable.

The thread just made me think. Weigh in, and let's talk!

 

[malibuconlee]

Mine is fine with me having male friends. We trust each other.

My first serious boyfriend in high school was VERY jealous. It was not a good thing and I would never bin in a relationship like that again.

We had an old friend join our regular Wednesday group last week. He sat at one end of the table and talked with us girls. Pretty sure he came just to talk to us even tho he knew DH fairly well "back in the day". That was just fine with DH. We're all married and secure.

 

[rigs32]

He gets so paranoid when any man is around me. QUOTE]

Do you work? If so, then how does he deal with you encountering men at work? What about "relatives" that are not blood related?

I can (somewhat) understand the underlying reason for the jealousy, but you can't live in a world where he is the ONLY male you come in contact with and may develop a relationship with!

 

[mommaU4]

Hi there! I started the other thread that you're refering to. I think you have a tough situation because as my DH and I learned you have to have trust. In my case it was not that I didn't trust him. I never told him who he could and couldn't socialize with. He just assumed that I would be mad because he already knew I didn't like this person. It's also a lack of communication. What does your DH say when you ask him why he gets so jealous/paranoid?

 

[Marseeya]

My husband doesn't have a jealous bone in his body. I, on the other hand, do. I don't think I'm all that unreasonable about it, but it's there nonetheless.

 

[sm4987]

Nope, I do not work. I'm a SAHM with 2 kids. He really would prefer that he be the only man that I'm around. When I ask him about it, he just says that he's afraid of losing me. Blood relatives are fine, just not anyone else. He says he does trust me, it's the other men he doesn't trust. I get that I know what men are saying about you thing. It may be true, as I do get lot's of compliments, but I don't see why that has to hinder me being around men. Lack of communication is not a problem. We talk about it entirely to much. I just haven't figured out what to do about it yet. I had encouraged him to be more open with me, and this is what I got! For years he was quiet but very determined with keeping me away. I remember our first year of college, he got angry and almost knocked a guy out because he said I had beautiful eyes. My sister turned around and said, yeah well she's married. The guy said so, and the rest is history. I thought that with all his open feelings I could handle this, but it is getting hard because I almost can't talk to a waiter or walk in a restaurant without hearing, oh yeah, he was looking at you. So what, I sometimes reply, it was a look. Then I get the yeah but I know what he was thinking and we start the converstation all over again!

 

[Feralpeg]

He's the one who's been in more situations with women that were questionable.

Maybe that is the reason why he has a problem with you and other men. Maybe it is because he knows that he has been interested in other women and thinks you might find other men attractive. Just a thought.

 

[olena]

I have a few male friends, but Chris isn't at all threatened. He knows where my heart is. Anyway, he knows I'd take care of unwanted advances in a decisive, straight-forward manner.

 

[disneymac]

Sounds more like a control issue than actual jealousy. Jealousy is a natural human emotion that everyone feels on occasion, but balanced by trust you can handle it. If he's upset about you speaking to a waiter - there's more going on here & you might think about talking to a couselor. Good luck.

 

[barkley]

with the exception of one, all of my closest friends are male. some single and some married. some i dated and remained on good terms with, some were always stricktly friends.

my dh has no problem with this, in fact he has become very close to a couple of them. his attitude has always been that i chose to be with him, therefore he has no cause to be jealous (and he's not the jealous type to begin with).

the only complication i have encountered was that two of the men married women who were extreemly resentful that their husbands chose to stay in contact with me (we are talking the occasional call to catch up on what's happening in our lives and how the kids are). i could not fathom in one case why-we were friends for 7 years and neither of us were interested in so much as dating the other, the other case i had encouraged my ex boyfirend to ask out the woman who later became his wife), but i told both of them that they need to respect their wive's wishes and cease contact (no way would i have gone behind their wife's back to communicate). i have to say that in one case it took over 15 years for the wife to allow her husband to recommunicate with me at even a public event and in the other we now get holiday cards with family letters each year. i just chalked it up to these women needing to mature and feel secure in their relationships.

my husband has similar friendships with women, many who i have come to care deeply for over the years. he also has friendships with women at work and it is not unusual for him to dine alone with them. he does not feel the need nor do i to tell me everytime he goes to lunch with them but he would never try to hide the fact from me (nor would i him).

 

[Michelina]

I have lots of male friends, it doesn't bother DH at all because he trusts me and knows my heart. I think even though your DH is saying that he trusts you but not the men it still boils down to he doesn't trust you. After all, why would he care what men think as long as he knows you wouldn't act on it? I second the idea of counceling.

 

[tiggersmom2]

My best friends are men....so no...my hubby is very cool about that. I also married my best friend. Besides, he knows who shares his bed every night. We don't have any secrets....we are probably a rare couple

 

[Kimberly]

My boyfriend knows that 90 percent or more of my friends are guys, and he doesn't seem to mind at all. In fact, his friends have even hung out with just me when he is working late since I get along with them so well. It almost bothers me because he never gets jealous at all, which I find strange because I've never had a boyfriend yet who hasn't.

I on the other hand get jealous if my boyfriend hangs out with another girl. I just can't help but think of things that race through my mind. I am never unreasonable about it, but it just irks at me sometimes. He's my first serious boyfriend in awhile, and I don't want to lose him.

 

[bsnyder]

Mine's fine with it. I worked for years in a male-dominated industry and I would have had to eat lunch alone most of the time if he had objected to my friendships with male co-workers. He became very friendly with a lot of them, and even went on several fishing trips with them. While I stayed behind manning the office (now that, I minded! LOL!)

Neither one of us is the jealous type, so I'm sure that helps, but we also trust each other and know we have the same values. I'm sure he finds other women attractive, and knows I find other men attractive. But we both know we would never act on that in the slightest way, or do anything detrimental to our relationship.

I only had one boyfriend who was the jealous type, and he scared the living daylights out of me. He was completely irrational at times.

 

[iggbees]

i share every secret with my boyfriend. he is honestly my best friend in the whole world. i've never been so open with anyone before.

i don't mind that he has female friends (and he doesn't mind that one of my closer friends is a guy from high school), although i like to tease him a little about whether the girls he's friends are hot or not or if he talks to them online (he doesn't really have any friends that live around us) i ask if he's talking to his "fake girlfriend". he's never done anything to make me feel like his trust was not there. in fact, he's been with me through a lot this year, it's been a very emotional year for me and he's been there with me through the whole thing every minute of every day. he truly is amazing and i can't wait to marry him some day, because i can't imagine spending my life with anyone else.

 

[jennyL]

I'm an engineer so I work around men all the time. My DH and I know who we come home to and where are hearts are. I travel some with work and its always with all men. Some of there wives are very funny about it so I have to meet them first. Once they get over my age I'm only 30 LOL they are usually ok with it.

My DH also has many girl friends. It doesn't bother me. He doesn't travel but I'd be fine with that too.

We do have friends that think its odd that we go out with our respective friends of the opposite sex without each other but it works for us. We have many of the same friends but we both have some of our own.

 

[Hercules10]

Mine's the only one nutty enough to be with me so she knows she's safe unless I cruise the asylums.

 

[grlpwrd]

Well, I trust my dh. Keep in mind he works in Batimore, MD while me and kids are here in Virginia. I don't mind that he has women friends, but keep your paws off my man. lol ... FWIW I have more men friends than women friends and my dh is cool with it.

Then again I thought I knew his good male friend really well who is also an engineer. Good husband, good father, but then I find out that he goes to extreme full nudity strip bars and doesn't tell his wife. WTH? His wife and I are acquaintances and she's a teacher, but still... after my dh told me they went out to a strip club and he doesn't tell his wife then I began to think... do we really know our dh's/SOs or are they just trying to tell us what we want to hear? I hate being played and others being played, too.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I thought that with all his open feelings I could handle this, but it is getting hard because I almost can't talk to a waiter or walk in a restaurant without hearing, oh yeah, he was looking at you. So what, I sometimes reply, it was a look. Then I get the yeah but I know what he was thinking and we start the converstation all over again!

This is not jealousy but a control issue, don't confuse the two. Jealousy is an emotion that he has, it is really fear, insecurity, etc.

Forcing you to change your behavior is a "control" put on you.

 

[Planogirl]

I thought that with all his open feelings I could handle this, but it is getting hard because I almost can't talk to a waiter or walk in a restaurant without hearing, oh yeah, he was looking at you. So what, I sometimes reply, it was a look. Then I get the yeah but I know what he was thinking and we start the converstation all over again!

This doesn't sound too good.

Is this possessiveness steadily getting worse? I would consider dealing with it now through counseling or in some other way you feel comfortable with. Worrying about a waiter is way over the top IMO.