Theoretical question: Do we judge people who we think spend a lot....

[ellie05]

No I do not judge them, but if I don't know them well it does make me wonder if they can afford it. If I know they can't afford it then I do judge. I have a cousin that only buys designer clothes. I would never spend $1600 on a sweater, but he would in a blink of an eye. I know that he makes very good money and can afford it, so I don't really care it is his money to do what he wants with it.

 

[Jedana]

I'll admit, I was judgy with my sister. (Is judgy a word? Like Judge Judy rolled into one, like Brangelina? )

She and her husband were smoking 3 packs a day between the two of them. They couldn't feed or clothes their kids, they had to have food stamps and churches provide for them. They were able to drink a 12 pack of Mountain Dew and Dr Pepper every two days and a big bottle of rum or tequila in the same time frame, but they weren't able to get Christmas presents for their kids--they had to rely on the kindness of strangers to do that also. They had money to buy their MJ, but no money to get the kids hair cut.




But do I care if you blow $20000 on a vacation? Nope. Might be a bit jealous, but I do not care if you do so.

 

[angwill]

Personally, I could care less how people spend their money and feel everyone had different priorities. Some people have no problem renting movies through the tv every night and order in but don't go on vacation because they don't have the money for one. Others don't eat out or rent movies to save their money for a vacation. Just two examples. It is a matter of choice and nobody's business really.

I had a friend who's parents wanted to bring her and her two sisters and their families on a trip to Disney before they got to old to do that kind of thing. My friend wanted help from me on keeping costs down and I told her how and even told her that Disney offers discount codes and I would look for them for her. Her older sister took over and hired a non Disney travel agent who talked her into the best and the finest on a cruise and at the Poly and her parents had no problem spending almost $50,000 on that vacation. My friend was ticked and I just told her don't worry about it enjoy it because to your parents this last gift of a vacation before they are too old to do it with their family is worth more than $50,000 and they obviously have it to spend. To each their own.

 

[Colleen27]

IMO, everyone judges. It is only natural to have some disconnect when people spend in ways you just don't get, and I think those of us who are frequent Disney visitors get that more than most because so many people do think it a strange/frivolous way to spend money. It only crosses into rudeness when people lack a filter between brain and mouth or otherwise let differences in priorities effect real-world interactions.

I'll admit to biting back some judgemental thoughts now that we're at the point where my son and his friends are starting to drive. One friend bought out the lease on her 2011 BMW instead of trading it in because her teen daughter "is going to need a car", and another just bought her 16yo son a fully restored '66 Mustang. I think that's nuts. No teen needs a $20K+ car to drive to the demolition derby that is our high school parking lot. But I don't say anything; it is their money and they can spend as they see fit. Besides, I know those same friends think I'm crazy for driving an '04 minivan while taking $10K vacations and sending two kids to private school.

 

[CalDisneyMomof2]

My DH makes a lot of money & I am a SAHM. We are very lucky, but my DH works a ton and I pretty much do everything with the kids and the house during the week.

I do sometimes judge & I feel like we are always getting judged. We go on vacation a lot and that seems to really bug people. However, we vacation very frugally. We've done lots of all inclusives in Mexico because they are cheap for a family of 5. We've been to Disney lots of times but usually fly on points. We stay wherever we get the best deal, even in a value. I just love being in Disney so I don't care where we stay, we're in the parks most of the time. We've been on cruises & have been to several Caribbean islands and Costa Rica. Everyone wonders how we "afford it". We afford it because my husband makes way more money than anyone would suspect. We drive nice cars but we bought them with cash. We live in a fairly modest house for our town, and have already paid off 3/4 of our mortgage in 6 years. We have lots of money saved for retirement and our kids education. We don't wear fancy clothes or go to expensive restaurants because we're just not into those things.

I think I am inherently cheap. I have no desire to stay concierge level at Disney. I have no desire to spend $500 on a meal. I'd much rather take 3 vacations a year for the same price that someone might spend on 1 vacation. But that's my choice, and that's their choice and neither one is right or wrong.

As other posters have mentioned, I think I judge when I feel like people are doing things they cannot afford. However, the issue with judging is that you really have no idea what people's finances are like. I have a SIL & BIL who live in a nice house, have good jobs, and travel a lot. Everything looks perfect. However, according to my FIL, they are pretty much completely broke because they spend every penny that they make. They are so busy trying to keep up with the Jones's that they are burying themselves in debt. That drives me crazy even though I know it doesn't effect me so I shouldn't worry about it.

Would i spend $20k on a trip to Disney? No way! There are so many more exciting places in the world that I'd rather travel to & spend my $$ on, but that's just me. 5k seems to be my max for a vacation but I know I'll have to increase that as the kids get older and we want to start seeing more of the world.

I'm in a similar situation as you. However, I am not SAHM. My husband makes great money and I make a nice supplemental income working part-time. My co-workers are all generally the breadwinners in their family and can't understand how I can go on big vacations every year plus 2-3 smaller vacations. But when I tell them how I do it and how I invest a lot of time trying to find ways to save and go during more inexpensive times of the year their judgement fades.

And while we may not be as financially ahead of the game as you, we are on our way. (Retirement, savings, college etc. are on the up and up) So, yes, I do judge but have learned that everyone is going to spend money however they want to.

I have a cousin who lives at his parent's house with wife and 2 children (granted he was on disability/unemployment for a VERY long time and it was necessary for some time) and the way they spend money baffles me. They have date nights almost every week, Disneyland passes for the entire family, eat out at least 5 times a week, have their kids in crazy expensive extracurricular activities (ok, I will let that one slide) and use a TON of gas because my cousin's wife's family lives 40 miles away and visits 4-6 times a month! Anywho, I've learned to not judge. I'm almost certain they have little to no savings until recently because my cousin was finally able to go back to work. But you know what? That's how they want to live!

My mom judges EVERY purchase I make. It's so frustrating and I think that's why I've learned to try not to do it. I think she's more jealous than anything. We do A LOT of things for free. Concerts, sporting events, kid's shows (Walking With Dinosaurs, Disney on Ice etc.). Hotels are free in some cities we go to (Las Vegas, San Diego, Denver, Boston). My husband has some INCREDIBLE resources that we are very fortunate to have. Yet, my mom doesn't quite grasp that or maybe she thinks she's entitled to some of these things? (Which, she has on more than one occasion been able to use our free hotel in Vegas and free show there too.)

I didn't get to do a lot of these things as a child and I'm sorry, I don't want my children to not get these things as well. But, I am very practical when it comes to the cost of the trips we take that aren't comped from people my husband knows. Would I spend $20,000 on a Disney vacation? Give me two weeks vacation, invite some extended family along and I'm sure I could manage! But if it's not in the budget I'm not doing it. I think judging is human nature but you must take a step back and realize that every situation is different and it is not your place to judge. Unless, like a PP had mentioned, someone owes you money or the like, then judge away!

 

[MomToOne]

We're all human. We are all guilty of judging sometimes, in some sort of situation, if not many sorts of situations. (Well, maybe unless you are going to be up for Sainthood when you die!)

What matters is how we handle it. Do we recognize we are judging? Do we take a second to remind ourselves we don't know all the facts of a situation? Do we try and better ourselves over time, by opening ourselves up to understanding not everyone has had the same life experiences and therefore are going to come at problems and decisions differently?

I get better at all of this as I have more life experience (that sounds better than saying I am getting older ). But there's always more personal growth to be had

 

[Dakota731]

I have no problem whatsoever what someone spends their hard-earned money on. It's none of anyone's business what you use your salary for - there is always someone who earns more than you and always someone who earns less.
But when they are on the taxpayer's dime then it becomes an issue. It's very hard to scrimp and save and not take vacations or spend money on Iphones, designer bags or manicures, then when you see a relative or neighbor not working, but who seems to have money for everything but buying their groceries or paying their utilities, it's difficult to watch.

 

[rosiebean]

I'm in a similar situation as you. However, I am not SAHM. My husband makes great money and I make a nice supplemental income working part-time. My co-workers are all generally the breadwinners in their family and can't understand how I can go on big vacations every year plus 2-3 smaller vacations. But when I tell them how I do it and how I invest a lot of time trying to find ways to save and go during more inexpensive times of the year their judgement fades.

*Raises hand*

I'm in a similar situation also. My husband makes a very good salary, and I do as well working in a very flexible job. We bought our house a great price well before the housing bubble expanded, so our house's worth is still well beyond what we paid despite the ensuing real estate burst (and we're a few years away from paying off our 15 year mortgage early). We drive used cars that we pay cash for, have our kids in a good public school thanks to a good charter school system in our city, have good investments and savings, and have very little debt.

We might take one 'big' vacation a year (i.e., a week's rental with one of our families, usually costing between $1k and $2k with flights, food, etc. depending on the location). Some years we don't even do that. We take 2 to 3 small vacation a year, renting cabins, meeting up with family in nearby cities, and the like. But every three to five years, we take a 'very big' vacation. Europe twice before kids. Disney at Christmas post kids...etc. Trips that cost over $5k (but not more than $7). We can afford this because we travel so cheaply (for us) most years, and because I am frugal in almost everything I do outside of vacations.

I try very hard not to judge, because my vacations, which usually include a mix of luxury and budget, are much more than my parents ever spent on a vacation when I was growing up. I like to indulge myself on vacation, but I don't go overboard. So this year, at the beach, we stayed in a really nice vacation rental...and cooked all of our meals at home save but one. When we went to Europe (before kids), we stayed at budget hotels but spent freely on food, train tickets (business class or higher), and on gifts to bring home (this was also before extreme costs/restrictions on luggage). On an upcoming trip to Mexico, we are staying at a luxury hotel outside of a Mayan ruin for a few nights...and renting a budget cabin on the beach after.

I can afford to spend more on my vacations, but personally, I don't want to do so. I LIKE saving money on some things, and I like splurging on others. It's very personal to me.

And, while I personally would not spend $20k on a Disney vacation, I cannot judge someone who spends that on a trip simply because I have two sets of relatives (my sister and my sister-in-law) who spend that much and more on their vacations.

Both my DS and by SiL are in financial situations much much MUCH more lucrative than mine (and my family is extremely comfortable). Spending $20k on a vacation isn't something they have to budget for, to say the least. AND, both have numerous kids, which tends to drive up the cost of vacations, with airfare often being the bulk of vacation cost. And though they spend a lot of money on their vacations, they often are not splurging...my SiL's recent trip to Europe with her entire family probably cost upwards of 20K (she only mentioned that it cost them $10k for plane tickets), but they stayed in mid-range hotels the entire time and ate most of their meals from street vendors, with one or two restaurant meals thrown in.

It's all relative.

I know that by posting on the 'budget board', people open themselves up to more scrutiny. But 'budget' is different for everyone. People making upwards of seven figures a year can (and do!) watch and carefully regulate their spending just as much as people making 40k per year...they just have different benchmarks for how much they spend given their different incomes. What someone wealthy spends can seem extravagant to someone that is barely making ends meet, even if that wealthy person's spending is frugal considering their overall income.

 

[OrangeBirdGirl]

But 'budget' is different for everyone. People making upwards of seven figures a year can (and do!) watch and carefully regulate their spending just as much as people making 40k per year...they just have different benchmarks for how much they spend given their different incomes. What someone wealthy spends can seem extravagant to someone that is barely making ends meet, even if that wealthy person's spending is frugal considering their overall income.

I totally agree with that, it's all relative to your income and household size what you spend. I also agree that just because you earn a nice salary doesn't mean you aren't looking for ways to cut down on wasteful spending.

I know what I want to spend my money on, and that is traveling or experiences (sporting events, museums,etc). So no matter how much someone depends on vacation, I wouldn't judge them for spending too much. So no judging on my part for spending $20k on Disney. But on the other hand, I don't have any desire to go to a bar. When my friends go to the bar and tell me what they spent, I think of many better uses for that money and wonder how they could just go blow that one night? All relative to what our priorities in life are.

 

[powellrj]

For the most part, I never know how much peoples vacations cost, so its hard to judge them! I have seen classmates going on wonderful vacations now that they have retired, but I never find myself judging them. I am enjoying reading about their trips and seeing all the pictures.!

I will admit to judging people who complain about money problems and then going on a fabulous trip a few weeks later. 2 months ago you couldn't pay your income tax and this month you are going to Mexico for 2 weeks? Sorry, don't want to hear about it.

 

[lauradis]

hmmm that answer is yes op, I'm guilty.

I think its part envy, part difference in priorities.

Money is only a tool to get me the things I need and want.

We all have the same basic needs, its just the levels of wants are different.

I have a tendency to judge more if people can barely cover their basic needs, their wants are high, but they don't or wouldn't do any thing to change to get their wants.

 

[dpswift]

Life is about priorities. I work with several people who take yearly Disney trips. There are other coworkers who wonder how they can afford to travel so much. If you step back you will see that there are areas in her life where spending is well above the norm.

DD was shocked a few months ago when her brother bought an XBox One. She asked him why he would buy it because he is so cheap. His response was that he had no problem spending money on what he wants, areas where she considered him to be cheap were just not priorities for him.

 

[purpledisneyprncess]

I think we all judge, it's whether we voice it or not. I like what a PP said about having a personal value system. For me, it's all about balance and personal preference. I like to save, but I enjoy the money we make too by taking bi-annual Disney trips. The memories we make are worth it! We limit the amount of $ we spend on eating out. Would much rather be frugal in the eating out and clothes shopping areas...
Now, where I judge isn't on WHAT people spend on, it's HOW. If someone would rather take their spending $ and eat out every day and get Star Bucks everyday instead of other things, that's fine! My issue is when people complain they don't have $ but won't stop spending frivolously. I have a family member who went bankrupt 2x and is financially irresponsible. They make good money but has a shopping problem. Re-doing their home all the time, buying unnecessary items, and then taking vacations each year but making her mom go on the trips so the mom can foot most of the bill! Meanwhile that mother has 2 other kids she doesn't help.
Another scenario where I judge: I have 2 friends with little kids, who love to gamble at casinos & blow their money on everything. Saving isn't in their vocabulary. They both came to me, knowing I'm frugal & save, and asked me to borrow money for their bills!!! They got mad at me when I said no. I told them both, everyone chooses to spend their $ how they want. A lot of times my kids go without all the best toys etc so I can save for their future. I shouldn't have to give you $ because you blew it at a casino. That's not fair to my kids to take their savings & give to you. If they needed food or clothes, I'd gladly help. But $ for your gambling problem, no! They eventually got what I was saying and no longer ask me. They judge me & call me cheap, but I judge them and think they are selfish & not so great parents. I can't see myself blowing money on casinos & impulsive splurges when I am trying to show my kids financial responsibility. My kids don't go without, but we don't buy them everything under the sun either....balance.

 

[North of Mouse]

on things we wouldn't.

THIS IS PURELY THEORETICAL, just some thing I was wondering in response to another thread.

Girl is going on her honeymoon next year and spending 20K on her trip to Disney. Poster did not say or imply in any way that she could not afford it.

Immediately she was told how she could have a honeymoon without spending that much. Now, no one was rude. every one gave helpful suggestion but I did find it kind of depressing like they were raining on her parade because she sounded excited about her plans.

some suggested she get rid of platinum dining, don't do tours, etc, etc.

Why? If some one can stay concierge level in a Poly suite, why do "we" (collective, no one specific) automatically think to tell them they can go for a whole lot less. which I would assume they knew.

So do we have a natural tendency to assign value to things and if a person goes over that assigned value, they are "wrong"?

I'm always say I'm a weird person, for example I would totally pay a kings ransom to fly first class. totally think it's worth every penny and kidney I'd have to sell to do it, lol but ask me to pay 100 bucks for a pair of jeans and all heck breaks loose.

Yes, but would not voice it to them! I especially do if it definitely is not affordable for them (when I knew their situation well).

For instance, have 'never' understood going in debt for anything other than necessities, especially vacations or weddings.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

on things we wouldn't.

THIS IS PURELY THEORETICAL, just some thing I was wondering in response to another thread.

Girl is going on her honeymoon next year and spending 20K on her trip to Disney. Poster did not say or imply in any way that she could not afford it.

Immediately she was told how she could have a honeymoon without spending that much. Now, no one was rude. every one gave helpful suggestion but I did find it kind of depressing like they were raining on her parade because she sounded excited about her plans.

some suggested she get rid of platinum dining, don't do tours, etc, etc.

Why? If some one can stay concierge level in a Poly suite, why do "we" (collective, no one specific) automatically think to tell them they can go for a whole lot less. which I would assume they knew.

So do we have a natural tendency to assign value to things and if a person goes over that assigned value, they are "wrong"?

I'm always say I'm a weird person, for example I would totally pay a kings ransom to fly first class. totally think it's worth every penny and kidney I'd have to sell to do it, lol but ask me to pay 100 bucks for a pair of jeans and all heck breaks loose.

Unless the person was complaining and seeking a solution--that is just rude.

Now, not sure why folks have to share how much they spend. I'm sure by her description, one can conclude if might be a pretty penny. But I wonder if folks would be less inclined to offer money saving tips if she didn't say how much she was spending.


I think folks like to think of better things to do with the money. Easy to not give them the opportunity.

That said--not their trip, not their business unless she was actively seeking cost cutting measures.

 

[usd2bmd]

As much as I would like to say no, I know I do. Partly because I am not in a position to spend that much on a vacation, partly because I can not imagine spending that much on a vacation.

My value system is different. If we had that much to spend on a vacation we would choose to spend it differently and most likely on more than one trip.

People can spend their money how they see fit. AS so many pp have said I don't know anyone's situation, all I know is what they choose to share here.

Everyone given the choice would choose to spend that much money differently. Some are just more eloquent in relaying the information.