tink2020
Suddenly Tagless!
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2005
- Messages
- 9,937
Hello! I tried to update the title, but once again was too wordy 
so I thought I'd put a little addendum here. I started this journal, as indicated by the date of the first post, over a year ago. The first dozen or so posts were made from June to September of last year, when everything about my life completely changed. Feel free to read it all to figure out a bit about who I am.... but know that starting with post 15 there are some much more positive updates, and hopefully a brand new beginning. 
(07.06.08)
I have sat here with a blank screen for several minutes now, trying to figure out what to write, how to title this thing, what to write, how to title this thing, what to write.... you get it. So please know my jumbled post is not for lack of effort. Oh, and that it might be tomorrow before you get to the end of it. I won't be so long-winded from here on out...
I believe that if I'm going to open up to hundreds of strangers about my weight loss journey, then it is only fair that I share with them the whole truth. Then again, I believe that - for many people - MY "whole truth" is daunting, depressing, confusing, boring, etc..... I'm sure there are lots of adjectives you could choose that would, in their own right, fit just fine. So, therein lies the source of my writers block.
So, in an effort to find some sort of middle ground, I give you "the background", without a lot of fluff, emotion, and ranting. Trust me, depending on my mood when it's time to post, that will come out sooner or later, and I never care to share my struggles and triumphs, if it's something people are interested in hearing. But until then, the gist --
- I am not a "tiny" person by nature. I'm certainly short (5'2"), and a fairly small to medium build, but nobody would describe me as truly petite. That being said, from what I can remember I was just "normal" when I started my freshman year of high school. Whatever "normal" means ...
- By my junior year, I weighed about 100 pounds. Again, not at all "petite", and actually rather muscular ... which adds up to being entirely too thin, very underweight, etc. But tell that to 16-year-old Jennifer.
- My senior year was a battle with hospitalizations, cardiac issues, blood sugar issues, emotional issues (um, clearly those already existed, but they peaked at about this time), you name it -- all because I weighed between 90 and 96 pounds, and still spent 40 hours a week involved in some sort of strenuous activity or exercise.
There are lots of risk factors I can now pinpoint that could have led to such struggles - genetics, professional ballet involvement, competitive cheerleading, and, not the least of which, a long-term abusive relationship.
- By college, I had made a few major life changes, had a little extra help with counseling, etc, and was on the road to "recovery". I struggled emotionally with weight gain (as I might always), but I continued to have a wonderful support system and was away from several of those things that exacerbated my difficulties. By the end of my freshman year at Miami (OH), I was at a fairly healthy weight of 110 or so pounds. BMI in a healthy range, and yet still room (realistically) for a few extra pounds that would have been just fine.
- Met DH, fell in love, blah blah blah and my life as I knew it changed for good. He loved me despite all my imperfections, and promised to love me even if I "got fat and stuff" (yes, I'm pretty sure those words were carefully chosen at one point 
).
- More struggles on and off, you get the vicious cycle, weight fluctuations from about 100 pounds to low 120's. Wonderful size when I got fitted for my wedding dress, which subsequently did not fit. Immediately prior to my wedding day. I still was just a very fit 125lbs, but it didn't fit. Which started a downhill spiral....
- My relationship with food had changed dramatically with the other changes in my life (counseling, better coping skills, better outlook, wonderful DH, less pressure to be thin, etc) ... so instead of starving myself and dropping the weight quickly, I starved myself and dropped the weight quickly and THEN picked up some lovely binging habits just to add some extra fun. Thankfully, this lasted about a minute before I was able to take control emotionally, and before suffering serious physical consequences with electrolyte imbalances, etc. Again.
- So now, the cycle is lengthened and changed yet again. For most of my recent life, I have been mentally checked out when it comes to "dieting". DH and I ate healthy just out of habit for a long time, but that has gone by the wayside the last year or so with our trying new jobs, schedules, etc. It's no excuse, but that's my excuse
So there I was, sometime last year, reaching a BMI that was, gulp, OVERWEIGHT?! Three or four years prior, my mother sat by me in the hospital and begged me to get control of myself. She hit me where it hurt, and reminded me that my eating disorder was something I needed to get help with before I got pregnant, etc (certainly not trying then, but you get the picture) because she was literally frightened at how I would cope with such changes in my body. I told her she was nuts, and that I could never believe that this would all just go away...
And now, I'm TRULY overweight?! How did this happen?
DH and I signed up for the 2007 Half Marathon in spring of '06. I knew for sure that I would lose the weight during training. In fact, it was the ONE thing motivating me to do this.
Now, it's practically June. The half marathon has come and gone. We finished it, in a far better time than we anticipated or set as our goal!
banana: ). And yet, I finished that 13.1 miles (not to mention the year of training) weighing exactly the same as I had the previous January, 139 pounds. What's worse, is the scales keep going up instead of down, and I weigh a few pounds more than that 6 months later! 
I know that there are several people on the WISH boards that have a lot more weight to lose. I'm certainly inspired by you all, and rooting for you in your journeys. Part of me feels that I'm whining sort of incessantly for the amount of weight I have to lose, so I hope this post helps you understand that it is about so much more than the scale to me.
This journey is about being able to "safely" OWN a scale, and step on it on a regular basis. It's about having a healthy, normal relationship with food instead of making terrible choices when I know better, simply because I feel so stinkin' out of control. It's not about "dieting" although I suppose that would really help, even though it scares the snot out of me.
If you're still reading along, know that I am in a VERY good spot emotionally these days. I'm completely and utterly flabbergasted (blame my mom for that word sneaking in my vocabulary) that I could possibly weigh anything close to what I do right now. I want it to change. But I want to do it in a healthy manner, and I wouldn't trade my life (and body) now for my body (and life) then. I am 100% comfortable with the possibility of my body doing strange things along this journey, and with the reality that I will never - and SHOULD never - weigh 100 pounds again. I've even grown a bit fond of my chest and the fact that I actually have hips, if I do say so myself! 
I'm thinking the love handles could go, though. 
So there you have it. Just you TRY and believe me -- that's the short version
so I thought I'd put a little addendum here. I started this journal, as indicated by the date of the first post, over a year ago. The first dozen or so posts were made from June to September of last year, when everything about my life completely changed. Feel free to read it all to figure out a bit about who I am.... but know that starting with post 15 there are some much more positive updates, and hopefully a brand new beginning. (07.06.08)I have sat here with a blank screen for several minutes now, trying to figure out what to write, how to title this thing, what to write, how to title this thing, what to write.... you get it. So please know my jumbled post is not for lack of effort. Oh, and that it might be tomorrow before you get to the end of it. I won't be so long-winded from here on out...
I believe that if I'm going to open up to hundreds of strangers about my weight loss journey, then it is only fair that I share with them the whole truth. Then again, I believe that - for many people - MY "whole truth" is daunting, depressing, confusing, boring, etc..... I'm sure there are lots of adjectives you could choose that would, in their own right, fit just fine. So, therein lies the source of my writers block.
So, in an effort to find some sort of middle ground, I give you "the background", without a lot of fluff, emotion, and ranting. Trust me, depending on my mood when it's time to post, that will come out sooner or later, and I never care to share my struggles and triumphs, if it's something people are interested in hearing. But until then, the gist --
- I am not a "tiny" person by nature. I'm certainly short (5'2"), and a fairly small to medium build, but nobody would describe me as truly petite. That being said, from what I can remember I was just "normal" when I started my freshman year of high school. Whatever "normal" means ...
- By my junior year, I weighed about 100 pounds. Again, not at all "petite", and actually rather muscular ... which adds up to being entirely too thin, very underweight, etc. But tell that to 16-year-old Jennifer.
- My senior year was a battle with hospitalizations, cardiac issues, blood sugar issues, emotional issues (um, clearly those already existed, but they peaked at about this time), you name it -- all because I weighed between 90 and 96 pounds, and still spent 40 hours a week involved in some sort of strenuous activity or exercise.
There are lots of risk factors I can now pinpoint that could have led to such struggles - genetics, professional ballet involvement, competitive cheerleading, and, not the least of which, a long-term abusive relationship.
- By college, I had made a few major life changes, had a little extra help with counseling, etc, and was on the road to "recovery". I struggled emotionally with weight gain (as I might always), but I continued to have a wonderful support system and was away from several of those things that exacerbated my difficulties. By the end of my freshman year at Miami (OH), I was at a fairly healthy weight of 110 or so pounds. BMI in a healthy range, and yet still room (realistically) for a few extra pounds that would have been just fine.
- Met DH, fell in love, blah blah blah
and my life as I knew it changed for good. He loved me despite all my imperfections, and promised to love me even if I "got fat and stuff" (yes, I'm pretty sure those words were carefully chosen at one point ). - More struggles on and off, you get the vicious cycle, weight fluctuations from about 100 pounds to low 120's. Wonderful size when I got fitted for my wedding dress, which subsequently did not fit. Immediately prior to my wedding day. I still was just a very fit 125lbs, but it didn't fit. Which started a downhill spiral....
- My relationship with food had changed dramatically with the other changes in my life (counseling, better coping skills, better outlook, wonderful DH, less pressure to be thin, etc) ... so instead of starving myself and dropping the weight quickly, I starved myself and dropped the weight quickly and THEN picked up some lovely binging habits just to add some extra fun. Thankfully, this lasted about a minute before I was able to take control emotionally, and before suffering serious physical consequences with electrolyte imbalances, etc. Again.
- So now, the cycle is lengthened and changed yet again. For most of my recent life, I have been mentally checked out when it comes to "dieting". DH and I ate healthy just out of habit for a long time, but that has gone by the wayside the last year or so with our trying new jobs, schedules, etc. It's no excuse, but that's my excuse
So there I was, sometime last year, reaching a BMI that was, gulp, OVERWEIGHT?! Three or four years prior, my mother sat by me in the hospital and begged me to get control of myself. She hit me where it hurt, and reminded me that my eating disorder was something I needed to get help with before I got pregnant, etc (certainly not trying then, but you get the picture) because she was literally frightened at how I would cope with such changes in my body. I told her she was nuts, and that I could never believe that this would all just go away...
And now, I'm TRULY overweight?! How did this happen?
DH and I signed up for the 2007 Half Marathon in spring of '06. I knew for sure that I would lose the weight during training. In fact, it was the ONE thing motivating me to do this.
Now, it's practically June. The half marathon has come and gone. We finished it, in a far better time than we anticipated or set as our goal!
banana: ). And yet, I finished that 13.1 miles (not to mention the year of training) weighing exactly the same as I had the previous January, 139 pounds. What's worse, is the scales keep going up instead of down, and I weigh a few pounds more than that 6 months later! I know that there are several people on the WISH boards that have a lot more weight to lose. I'm certainly inspired by you all, and rooting for you in your journeys. Part of me feels that I'm whining sort of incessantly for the amount of weight I have to lose, so I hope this post helps you understand that it is about so much more than the scale to me.
This journey is about being able to "safely" OWN a scale, and step on it on a regular basis. It's about having a healthy, normal relationship with food instead of making terrible choices when I know better, simply because I feel so stinkin' out of control. It's not about "dieting" although I suppose that would really help, even though it scares the snot out of me.
If you're still reading along, know that I am in a VERY good spot emotionally these days. I'm completely and utterly flabbergasted (blame my mom for that word sneaking in my vocabulary
) that I could possibly weigh anything close to what I do right now. I want it to change. But I want to do it in a healthy manner, and I wouldn't trade my life (and body) now for my body (and life) then. I am 100% comfortable with the possibility of my body doing strange things along this journey, and with the reality that I will never - and SHOULD never - weigh 100 pounds again. I've even grown a bit fond of my chest and the fact that I actually have hips, if I do say so myself! I'm thinking the love handles could go, though. So there you have it. Just you TRY and believe me -- that's the short version
Take things one day at a time.
.... but just in case, I would like to start developing some sort of fitness program to get back in the swing of things once I get the OK from my doctor. Otherwise, my body is pretty much reverting to a "normal" appearance, flat where it ought to be, etc .... I'm just quite sure it won't be easy to keep it that way! 
