The Myth of the Perfect Mother

[becka]

I noticed that this weeks cover for Newsweek was titled The Myth of the Perfect Mother and it piqued my interest so I read the cover article on-line. Article

I know there have been lots of discussions on the CB regarding motherhood, competitive mothering, SAHM vs. WOHM, etc. and I thought I would post the link here since I personally found the article very interesting and thought others might as well. Some parts of the article really hit home for me especially concerning the decisions I have had to make regarding my career and how it conflicts with being the type of mother I aspire to be.

 

[swilphil]

I read the article last night as well as the commentary by Anna Quindlen. I really liked the idea of making it easier for women to work part time and find quality, affordable day care. It does seem like there is an increase in the number of ubermothers, or at least women who feel like they should be one.

 

[Christine]

I read this today also, on another message board. It did seem a bit "over the top" in some regards but much of what she said kind of hit home.

I came of age in the very early 80s, went off to college, and also thought that when I had kids the whole career, daycare, time thing would just "work out." HA, what a joke.

 

[KMH1]

My mom was reading some of this issue to me this morning...

After nine years of teaching, I decided to be a SAHM when Alyssa was born last April.

I used to juggle teaching five English classes, advising yearbook and Key Club, and volunteering for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society...now I barely manage to shower every day.

A baby changes everything!

Amy

 

[Chicago526]

Thank goodness, I've got better options than most! DF works overnight. This means I can continue to work part time and not worry about daycare when we start a family. We can keep 100% of my part-time income and NOT worry about expensive quality daycare, if it could be found for part time to begin with!

 

[meandtheguys2]

I hated this book! It seemed a giant justification for the author's parenting choices and condemnation of the parenting choices of others.. Someone is welcome to my copy! PM me if interested!

 

[chobie]

I hated this book! It seemed a giant justification for the author's parenting choices and condemnation of the parenting choices of others.. Someone is welcome to my copy! PM me if interested!

I did not read the book, but what I read from the article, I would have to agree with you.

 

[maleficent1959]

I hated this book! It seemed a giant justification for the author's parenting choices and condemnation of the parenting choices of others.. Someone is welcome to my copy! PM me if interested!

I didn't get that from the article. It seemed like she was saying motherhood shouldn't be something that makes you so stressed you get sick about it. That you can be a good mother even if you don't handpaint paper plates the night before a class party. Seriously, who would do that? Maybe that opinion is more obvious in the book.

I do have a couple friends like she described. Their lives are hectic, their kids are involved in a ton of things, they complain nonstop about their lives. I just tell them to change what they don't like but they tell me "it isn't that easy." To which I respond "choices."

 

[missypie]

As the working mother of three busy kids, I expected to really identify with the article...but I didn't. However, I think I will commit parts of Anna Quindlen's article to memory!

"I passed on the weekend roundelay of kiddie-league sports so our three could hang out with one another. I told people I hoped it would cement a bond among them, and it did. But I really wanted to be reading rather than standing on the sidelines pretending my kids were soccer prodigies. Maybe I had three children in the first place so I wouldn't ever have to play board games. In my religion, martyrs die."

 

[Teejay32]

I read the article only, seems like I'm the target audience. Sometimes I think I came out ahead of the game...suddenly one there's a baby on the way and you have to change course, make spot decisions and do the best you can. I couldn't live like those women. I do not live like those women.

 

[missypie]

The thing that I read that has really made me think - I think it was in Anna Quindlen's piece - is that it sends a very bad signal to our daughters if they pick up from us that motherhood is a big burden, instead of being fun. Hmmm...which is it????

 

[Lisa F]

motherhood is a big burden, instead of being fun. Hmmm...which is it????

It's a bit of both. Anyone who believes that it's one or the other before having children is in for a huge awakening. Being a parent is difficult and it requires thinking of your kids first, you second. If you don't realize that before deciding to have children, you're in for a huge shock. It's not all fun and games. At the same time as a woman who will be starting a family in the next couple of years, a lot of the posts by moms on this board and conversations with other moms terrify me. It's good to remember that there are a lot of rewarding moments too.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

The thing that I read that has really made me think - I think it was in Anna Quindlen's piece - is that it sends a very bad signal to our daughters if they pick up from us that motherhood is a big burden, instead of being fun. Hmmm...which is it????

I think it is some where int he middle. Motherhood is a job. Not all jobs are fun all of the time. I don't think there is anything wrong with letting your kids know Motherhood, SAH/WAH/WOH, is tough! It's not a bed of roses. But they should also see the good side too. If you are continuely stressed out because of it you WILL send the wrong signal.

I don't get why women can't get it together? Take control of their lives for themselves. If they are that stressed out something has to give and it should not be the Mother's sanity. I make sure I get my down time. If the house cleaning suffers, oh well. It's better to have a messy house than a crabby Mom!

 

[Jenn Lynn]

It's a bit of both. Anyone who believes that it's one or the other before having children is in for a huge awakening. Being a parent is difficult and it requires thinking of your kids first, you second. If you don't realize that before deciding to have children, you're in for a huge shock. It's not all fun and games. At the same time as a woman who will be starting a family in the next couple of years, a lot of the posts by moms on this board and conversations with other moms terrify me. It's good to remember that there are a lot of rewarding moments too.

I agree that kids come first, for the most part, but not at the expense of myself and who I am. I need to keep doing things I enjoy also. It makes me a better Mother.

 

[missypie]

It's better to have a messy house than a crabby Mom!

I so wish I could get there. When the house is a mess, I'm crabby. I take everyone's messiness personally. I enjoy a tidy house so much. I can't truly relax at home until the house is tidy.

 

[Lisa F]

I agree that kids come first, for the most part, but not at the expense of myself and who I am. I need to keep doing things I enjoy also. It makes me a better Mother.

Wasn't that my whole point? I think doing things you enjoy is a lot easier once the kids get a little older but as the "last one" in my group of friends to have kids I see that this is just not possible with an infant... and even if it's not materially true, it sure as heck feels that way when you can't remember when the last time you got more than 3 hours of sleep at a stretch was. It's definitely a big adjustment. I hope I have a leg up by realizing what a big adjustment it will be even if it's something you can't fully understand until you experience it.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

I so wish I could get there. When the house is a mess, I'm crabby. I take everyone's messiness personally. I enjoy a tidy house so much. I can't truly relax at home until the house is tidy.

LOL! It doesn't bother me, but it's probably becasue I grew up with a Mom who made us put our shoes away the second we took them off. You didn't dare leave anything laying around! I think I am rebeling.

 

[kikipug]

I agree that kids come first, for the most part, but not at the expense of myself and who I am. I need to keep doing things I enjoy also. It makes me a better Mother.

Well put! I grew up in the 70's with a mom that worked full time, (unlike the TV stereotypes of the day), and I turned out just fine, WITHOUT therapy. Mom had time for us, time for her, and time for work. We understood that, and were fine with it, as we had never known it any other way. I have raised my kids the same way, and I must say, at age 11 & (almost)8, so far, so good. It wasn't always easy, and was sometimes hectic, however, life gets that way no matter who we are or what we do.

In fact, when we moved 2 years ago, I spent 6 weeks at home with them while between jobs... they couldn't WAIT for me to return to work so that things could be 'normal' again.

A great way to instill a good work ethic in your children is to have a positive attitude about your work... be it 'work' at home, or at the office. They learn the most from us, so lets be sure to teach them something that will benefit them!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I never had the "perfect mommy" syndrome. I was just happy to be a mommy and enjoy it. I just don't "get it".

I happy being at home. I don't have the energy to do both jobs right now. When I do, I will. (unless of course it becomes necessary)

 

[KirstenB]

I love Anna Quindlan's writing, so I liked her take on this. However, the first article just rubbed me the wrong way. I don't know anyone who competes to get their child into the "best" daycare, soccer team, whatever. I couldn't even tell you if there were a "best" daycare in the area. I just visited several, interviewed the director and some teachers and gave it my best gut instinct. What's the "best" for me may not suit the next person at all. It reminded me of something I read about Jack Grubman, who was a tech research analyst for solomon Smith Barney. He wanted his child in the "best" preschool in NYC. Sanford Weill (I think, of Citigroup) had an "in" with that preschool. Grubman gave a stock that WEill liked preferential treatment, in exchange for a spot in the preschool.
Grubman was busted for this, and other unethical research coverage. It's a preschool for Pete's sake!!! We had a very ordinary childhood, and call me naive, but that's what I strive for with our children. I think all this "best" stuff just puts enormous pressure on the kids and parents.