The Everything Harry Potter Thread
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DisGirlAllie
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I found these fun lists on mugglenet. Some are pretty hillarious!
Narcissa Malfoy's Top Ten Disgustingly Cute Names for Draco
by Bob Sindeldecker with help from David Middleton
10. Ickle-Drakey-Wakey
9. Drakey-Dookie-Diddy-Dums
8. Drakey-Diddy-Dobby-Doo
7. Snoogie-Woogie-Drakey-Poo
6. Drakey-Dinky-Dookie-Doodums
5. Drakey-Poopsie-Oopsie-Goo
4. Drakey-Dimsy-Mimsy-Doo-Doo
3. Drakey-Doody-Sweetie-Dookums
2. Dipsy-Doopsy-Drakey-Poo
1. YOU ****** BRAT!!!
123 Ways to Annoy, Harass, Confuse or Generally Scare Lord Voldemort
Sure-fire ways to get yourself killed, or at least Crucio'd round the block and back again
Started by Amanda Lack (stars_planets_clocks), and added to by countless others
1. Ask him why he 'doesn't have such a cool scar?'
2. Laugh at him.
3. Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear. 'Round, round, get around, I get around...'
4. Knit him things. Really hideous things.
5. Give him kangaroo-ears for a month.
6. Smile during Death Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.
7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.
8. Dance the Funky Chicken.
9. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath.
10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.
11. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.
12. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at night.
13. Call him 'The-Man-Who-Let-the-Boy-Live.'
14. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more socially acceptable?'
15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.
16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.
17. Be cheerful.
18. When he tries to impress you with his powers, say 'Awwwww, lookit. Voldie's got a twiggle!'
19. Try to teach him to play a mouth organ.
20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'
21. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.'
22. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? What's that - a washing detergent?'
23. Keep a 'good-behaviour chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.
24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.
25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there...
26. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?
27. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.
28. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?'
29. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.
30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.
31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll.
32. Exclaim sarcastically 'You're breakin' my little heart here, O Dark One' whenever he starts to talk of what caused him to become who he is.
33. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'
34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.
35. Mock his choice of Quirrell as a 'host.'
36. Tell you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his wicked ways.'
37. Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his head.
38. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions, 'Wingardium Leviosa' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you thought you were helping!
39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.
40. Buy him a stress ball.
41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.
42. Call him Tommy-boy.
43. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.
44. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.
45. Say he 'looked better under the turban.'
46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.
47. Endeavour to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.
48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length.
49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.
50. 'Imperio' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of 'All Things Bright And Beautiful.'
51. Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you think he needs to make a 'grand entry.'
52. Paint all the Death Eater masks with bright colours and glitter.
53. Throw him a 'Carebears'-themed birthday party.
54. Tell him what Snape's really up to.
55. Politely exclaim now and again that you don't know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles.
56. Sing 'California Dreamin' at the top of your lungs when he's trying to have an 'evil moment.'
57. Should you ever be eating with him - drum tunes with your cutlery, play with your food and blow bubbles in your chocolate milk.
58. Ask him to dance a polka with you.
59. Work cutesy phrases like 'pushing-up-daisies' and 'smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom' into conversation as much as possible.
60. Ask him if he's sure 'the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?'
61. Get him to play 'Twister' with you.
62. Tell him you know this great therapist in London....
63. Throw Tupperware parties. Insist he sit through them.
64. Tell him you've met plently of people more evil than he.
65. Hide his teddy bear. That ALWAYS makes him cry.
66. Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn't water it and it dies.
67. Steal, snap and bury his wand.
68. Tell him Lucius did it.
69. Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts and contact details.
70. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.
71. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.
72. Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy 'to the cause.'
73. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include 'The Ugly Duckling.'
74. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.
75. When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your arms, waggle a finger and say 'Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?'
76. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of 'that sweet, innocent, cute little boy.'
77. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.
78. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
79. Leave disgusting and rotting dead things near him. Insist that it is 'Aromatherapy.'
80. Begin any question you ask him with 'Riddle me this!' Emphasis on Riddle.
81. Do not EVER act in the slightest way intimidated by him. Treat him as you would an eccentric aquaintance.
82. Cuddle him at random moments.
83. Sign him up for Little-League.
84. Ask him why he's afraid of a frail old man with a beard the size of a beehive and can't fight babies.
85. Throw biscuits at him. Constantly.
86. Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are 'kind of girlie.'
87. Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the wizarding world.
88. Wonder aloud whether the name Voldemort commands as much respect as, say, Potter or Dumbledore.
89. Mimic everything he says in a sing-song voice.
90. Mimic everything he does with exaggerated limb-movements.
91. Write sonnets for him.
92. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword every morning.
93. Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of disinfectant.
94. Tell people he's 'really just a big softie.'
95. Psychoanalyze him. Conclude that he is 'mildy depressed' and 'a bit of a control-freak.'
96. Mock his baldness.
97. Smile and say loudly 'Who loves you, Volders?' at inopportune moments. (Ie: another of his attempted 'evil moments')
98. Get him drunk.
99. Drag out a banjo at Death Eater revels and start playing 'Kumbayah.'
100. Let him catch you trying on Death Eater robes.
101. Be Harry Potter. Be alive.
102. As he's plotting dark deeds, pretend to cough and mutter things like 'Not gonna work, or 'stupid.'
103. Call him 'Champ' or 'Tiger.' Refer to yourself as 'Coach.'
104. Three words: Potter Puppet Pals.
105. Ask him where he gets his garlic-scented soap.
106. Ask him to dye Easter eggs with you.
107. ..at Christmas.
108. Make him dance in the rain with you.
109. Insist that this is to cleanse his soul.
110. "Accidentally" schedule him a him a haircut.
111. ..even though he's bald.
112. Be offended by everything he says.
113. When he gives you an order, stare at him blankly and drool.
114. Invite him to go streaking.
115. Kill Harry.
116. On the next Valentine's Day, decorate his lair.
117. ..make sure the decorations are pink and frilly.
118. Tell him that getting the same plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson was definitely a bad idea.
119. Paint his fingernails hot pink while he's sleeping, then place a permanent sticking charm on them so he can't remove the color.
120. Whenever you look at him cover your eyes with your hands and scream "IT BURNS!!!"
121. Bake him scar shaped cookies, but insist it wasn't purposeful.
122. Trade his black robes in for pink pajamas.
123. Insist that it's opposite day and paint a lightning bolt on his forehead.
120 Ways to Agitate Someone Who Doesn't Like Harry Potter
Guaranteed to tick them off!
Started by Yvette, and continued by countless fans!
This list may contain spoilers!
1. Relate everything they say to the Harry Potter books and/or movies.
2. Say they look like a Harry Potter character of the opposite gender.
3. Quote Dobby.
4. Hog the computer 24/7 while logged onto MuggleNet.
5. Read out loud to them whenever they can't get away from you (Example: When in a car or an elevator). If you don't have a book with you, recite from memory.
6. Give them Harry Potter merchandise for their birthday and Christmas and demand that they keep it and treasure it forever.
7. Rewrite their favorite song with Harry Potter lyrics and sing it constantly.
8. Crowd their inbox with Harry Potter related e-mail and make sure the subjects are misleading.
9. Start singing a Sorting Hat song at random moments, pretend to forget what comes next, and ask if they know in a very loud voice.
10. Make them play Quidditch with you.
11. Give all of their friends Harry Potter related nicknames and act mortally offended when they don't know the history of their character.
12. Change your name to that of a Harry Potter character and start screaming when they don't address you as such in public.
13. Always speak with a British accent - especially if you aren't from the UK.
14. Refer to real places by Harry Potter names.
15. ...throw a fit if others don't use these names.
16. Draw round glasses and lightning bolt scars on every poster and picture you come across...in permanent marker.
17. Give long lectures about how the prophecy relates to every day life.
18. Give every room in your house a Harry Potter codename. ( Example: The living room becomes the Entrance Hall) and whenever someone asks you where something is, use these names.
19. Change them immediately if they figure out what the names refer to.
20. Constantly ask if they can see the thestrals too.
21. ...refuse to explain what a thestral is.
22. Say, "Anything off the trolley, dear?" in a fake British accent when offering anyone food.
23. Pretend you can do magic.
24. Constantly rearrange their furniture and blame it on indecisive house-elves.
25. Yell "Get away from me, Death Eater!" whenever they get near you.
26. Constantly compare them to Mrs. Figg.
27. ...laugh evilly if they ask who Mrs. Figg is.
28. Complain loudly about how your pictures don't move.
29. Whenever you're asked for advice, reply with "Three turns should do it" in a very serious voice.
30. Break any awkward silences by saying, "How 'bout them Chudley Cannons?"
31. Tell a very long joke using a random Harry Potter quote as the punchline and then laugh hysterically.
32. ...make sure the joke isn't funny.
33. Use the titles "You-Know-Who" and "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" to refer to random people.
34. ... make sure no one knows who you're talking about.
35. Write letters to people (friends, neighbors...politicians) and ask them to join S.P.E.W.
36. ...hand fliers advertising it to random passerby.
37. Report Dumbledore's death to your local authorities.
38. Call them repeatedly asking if Percy Weasley is there and hang up before they can reply.
39. Pop up in place you're not supposed to be and insist that you were only trying to Apparate.
40. If you're late for something, blame it on your broken Time Turner.
41. Deck yourself out in all of your Harry Potter gear when you know you'll be going to a public place.
42. Walk past a wall over and over again, stopping randomly to bang on. When you receive weird stares, shout, "What?! I'm look for the Room of Requirement!"
43. Every time you see them, demand an explanation of why exactly they don't like Harry Potter.
44. If anyone tells you you'll go to hell for reading Harry Potter, either: a) jump and down and tell them that you can't wait; b) tell them you'll meet them there; c) sing "Weasley Is Our King" over and over again; or d) ask them to back up this claim with evidence, and laugh at them when they can't.
45. Play the soundtracks while they're stuck in your car.
46. ...add commentary. ( Oh, this is where they...)
47. When one of the movies is on TV, call to remind them.
48. ...every five minutes.
49. If they ask for your phone number, tell them it's 6-2-4-4-2.
50. Say "Alohomora!" everytime you open a door.
51. Sort every person you meet into one of the four Houses.
52. Follow them around while acting out a scene from the book doing very annoying voices for all the characters. Expect them to join in, and act offended when they don't.
53. Count down to some obscure Harry Potter event, whether it's Dumbledore's birthday, or when a Harry Potter DVD comes out. Keep saying: "87 (86, 85, etc.) more days!" in the middle of every conversation you have with your friend. Smile in a superior way when they ask what you're counting down to.
54. Start talking about a deceased Harry Potter character and suddenly burst into hysterical tears.
55. Refuse to be comforted.
56. Ask them to help you study for your O.W.L's and N.E.W.T's.
57. Knit them hats and insist that you're just trying to liberate them.
58. Talk to animals and insist that they're Animagi.
59. Treat them to lunch and then suddenly realize you can't pay for the meal since the restaurant doesn't accept Galleons, Sickles, or Knuts.
60. Run up to random men with long, dark hair and scream, "SIRIUS! I always knew you were alive!"
61. Point at modern electronic devices and loudly say, "Look at that! The things these Muggles come up with..."
62. Write letters to the editor of your local newspaper about the evils of our society ( Namely, Death Eaters and discrimination against friendly werewolves).
63. Send them numerous letters informing them that they have been selected to attend Hogwarts.
64. Carry around a shiny rock and proclaim that you possess the Sorcerer's Stone.
65. Say everything in a sing-song voice like Luna Lovegood.
66. End every converastion and/or letter with "Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"
67. ...refuse to provide an explanation.
68. Tap all brick walls you encounter with an umbrella.
69. Say "Lumos" when turning on a light.
70. Point and grunt and insist that you're speaking Troll.
71. Refuse to wash your hair and explain that you're going for the Snape look.
72. Spend hours at a time trying to get your broom to fly.
73. Invite them over for the night and force them to watch the first three movies with you.
74. If they leave for any reason, restart the movie and tell them it's the Time Turner scene.
75. Shriek loudly and insist that you're speaking Mermish.
76. If you're asked to retrieve something, shout "Accio!" loudly.
77. ...when this doesn't work, throw a fit.
78. Demand to know what exactly the function of a rubber duck is.
79. Talk like Hagrid.
80. Point to garden gnomes and say, "Silly Muggles don't have a clue about what gnomes look like!" in a very loud voice.
81. Take them to a CD store and make them help you look for the newest Weird Sisters album.
82. Yell "Avada Kedavra" anytime they give the anti-HP lecture, then fake excruciating pain as your soul rips in two.
83. Write "Enemies of the Heir, BEWARE!" in red paint on their wall.
84. When confronted about the message, refuse to take responsibility and/or explain it further.
85. Hum Hedwig's Theme constantly and be sure to include any crescendos, decrescendos, accents, etc.
86. Petition to have Hedwig's Theme become the new National Anthem.
87. Wear all black and explain that you're in mourning over the death of "The Only One He Ever Feared."
88. ...when asked for am explanation of this cryptic title, cry hysterically.
89. Replace their entire movie collection with the Harry Potter films.
90. If they ask you about the weather, solemnly say, "Mars is bright tonight."
91. Print this out and use it as a checklist.
92. Insist that they subscribe for your new Harry Potter newsletter and when they say no, act like you've been seriously offended.
93. Potter Puppet Pals, anyone?
94. Knit them a maroon jumper every year - especially if maroon isn't their color.
95. When taking the stairs with them, stop and insist that you have to wait because the staircases are moving.
96. If someone turns off the lights, make a loud cracking sound and pretend to Apparate to the other side of the room.
97. Carry around a hip flask and refuse to drink anything anyone offers you.
98. Toss a small handful of sand and yell out, "Diagon Alley!"
99. If you go to a train station with them, loudly ask random people if they know where you can find Platform 9 3/4. Do this in an extremely fake British accent.
100. When your friend is checking sports scores, ask them if they can find out the score of the latest Quidditch match.
101. If they refuse, complain (loudly) that you missed the semi-final match between the Chudley Cannons and the Wimbourne Wasps and you need to know who will be advancing to the finals against the Tutshill Tornadoes.
102. At your next sleepover, draw a lightning-bolt scar on your forehead, and just as your friend is drifting off to sleep, grab your forehead and start screaming that you dreamed Voldemort killed your parents.
103. Fill a bowl with water and tie some tinsel to the end of your wand. Move the wand-tip from your temple to the bowl and pretend you're transferring your thoughts to a Pensieve, and ask not to be disturbed.
104. When at a train station with them, repeatedly throw yourself against the wall between Platforms 9 and 10. If someone asks if you need help, state in a panicked voice that you're going to miss the Hogwarts Express, and do they have a flying car that you could borrow?
105.At random moments, pick up a wand like object and run around a room, screaming deadly curses and disturbing jinxes. Then collapse, act faint and say that you must be immediately to St. Mungos for you had been placed under the Imperius curse. When not taken, repeat the process.
106. While playing chess with them, stare at your pieces and give them verbal commands.
107. Throw the chessboard across the room when the pieces don't move.
108. Invite them to play "find the Horcrux" with you.
109. Tell them you're wearing an invisibility cloak, then hide.
110. Say "Knock knock." When the person says "Who's there?", say "You Know." When they say "You Know Who?", roll on the floor laughing. When they say they don't get it, become very offended and refuse to explain.
111. Wear mismatched clothes and if someone asks you why say it's because you can never keep up with the muggle fashions.
112. Send out birthday party invitations for a Harry Potter character. Be sure to call everyone who doesn't respond and ask them if they're coming.
113. On the first day of school, ask all of your teachers if "Hogwarts, a History" will be required reading.
114. In casual conversation, mention things you've been taught by Professor Flitwick.
115. Call your local station or cable provider and ask if they will be carrying the Chuddly Cannon games this season.
116. Write all letters to said person on parchment with quills.
117. Whenever they read the newspaper in public, complain loudly about how Scrimegeour is paying them to keep the big stories quiet.
118. Drag them along to the nearest place that has old brick buildings, pull out your pink umbrella, and start tapping the bricks - explain that you're looking for Diagon Alley.
119. Whenever it's foggy outside, scream "The Dementors are coming!" and hide for days at a time.
120. Fill a bowl with water and tie some tinsel to the end of your wand. Move the wand-tip from your temple to the bowl and pretend you're transferring your thoughts to a Pensieve, and ask not to be disturbed.
121. Insist the radio is called a Wizarding Wireless Network.
122. When travelling long distances, insist on going by Floo Powder - while grabbing a handful of soil from the nearest flowerpot.
123. Tell them that they're almost as smart as Grawp.
124. ..refuse to tell them who Grawp is.
125. Speak in a loud harsh voice at random moments and make predictions about people. Then, use your normal voice again and pretend that you don't remember anything.
126. Constantly remind them that you're Dumbledore's man/woman through and through.
127. Walk up to random people and ask them if their initials are R.A.B.
128. If they say no, give them a dirty mistrusting look.
129. If they say yes, then tackle them and demand that they hand over the Horcrux.
130. Yell "Crucio" at drivers who cut you off.
131. Call them every night and ask what the Transfiguration homework is.
11 Comebacks to Use When Voldemort Says He's Going to Kill You
If nothing else, you'll definitely be killed!
By Ravenclaw4life
This list may contain spoilers!
1. "What did I ever do to y..oh, nevermind."
2. "Oh, ha ha, you got me!! Am I on Punk'd? Where's the camera guy, huh? Where!?"
3. "Wow, you're even dumber than you look, and that's saying something. What kind of idiot tells their victim what they're about to do?! I'm ready for you now!!" *Prepare yourself by getting into various Matrix positions, beckon him with one finger*
4. "And she's all 'F.Y.I., he's so into me and not you.' and I'm all 'Yeah, right, whatever.' Oh, I'm sorry! Did you say something?"
5. "Why do you have to be so mean?!" *produce fake tears and throw a tantrum*
6. "Uh, I'm not here right now. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEEP!!!" *take off running*
7. *cackle with laughter* "You sound like a girl ! Hey honey, come listen to this guy talk!"
8. "My dear snake-man, I must say your manners are quite poor. I have just the thing!" *put on record and sing along* 'Please - say - please - and - thank you for saying thank you!'
9. "Are you a joke? Clearly you're a joke!"
10. "I'm sensing some self-confidence problems. I hear they have an excellent psychiatric ward at St. Mungo's...and while you're there, maybe you could have them do something about your nose."
11. "Oh yeah, and you've told Harry that how many times now? I'm soooooo scared!"
41 Ways to Bother Severus Snape...and ultimately pay him back for killing Dumbledore
Guaranteed to get you, at the very least, a detention or two...
Remy, Leah, Aly, Genny, Elizabeth, Emzy, Sarah F., Sarah S., and Stacy
1. Make him take a shower.
2. Make him use shampoo in aforementioned shower.
3. Make him use clarifying shampoo.
4. Apparate next to him, hand him a tube of super-strong facial cleanser, then quickly Disapparate before he realizes what happened.
5. Enchant this cleanser to follow him around until he uses it.
6. ...enchant the cleanser to follow him around anyway.
7. Tell him you stole his teddy bear.
8. Tell him you won't give it back until he agrees to wash his hair.
9. When he washes his hair, tell him you were just kidding and said teddy bear has already been destroyed.
10. Sneak up on him while he's asleep and give him a mohawk.
11. Sneak up on him while he's asleep and write "Crazy!" all over his face in permanent ink.
12. Sneak up on him when he's asleep and wash his hair.
13. Send him repeated invitations to a makeover party - which emphasis on facials, shampooing, and hair-braiding. ("But you'll look so pretty!!")
14. Force him to get a Michael Jackson-type nose surgery.
15. Call him Michael by accident.
16. Make parallels between him and Michael Jackson. "You both have deformed noses, you both have pale skin, you both have greasy black hair, he's the King of Pop, you're the Half-Blood Prince, you both molest chil..Oops!"
17. Prank call him and say, "Where's the emergency?! I hear there was a man at this number who needed an extreme nose job ASAP!" over and over again.
18. Resurrect James using a seance and make him haunt Snape for eternity.
19. Hypnotize the Death Eaters to make fun of him and constantly try to de-pants him.
20. Tap him on his left shoulder and jump to the right.
21. Nudge him and say, "So...how's the double-agent business going?" *nudgenudgewinkwink*
22. Tape a sign that says "CURSE ME!" on his back.
23. Call him Snivellus.
24. Tell you consulted a pyschic and he's not a Prince afterall...and he never will be.
25. Convince him that going around in the nude is the new "in" style. Wait, are we torturing him or us?!
26. Give him to Grawp. *evil laugh*
27. Obliviate his memory and force him to spend the rest of his days as a Muggle. Or better yet, try it within the Obliviating part!
28. Dye his skin pink.
29. Force him to become the head Gryffindor cheerleader.
30. Tell him that you've killed Draco (as tempting as it may be, do not really kill him!).
31. Laugh evilly and tell him that he's broken the Unbreakable Vow since he didn't save Draco, and will therefore die at any moment.
32. Laugh at him as he runs in circles panicking about his impending "doom."
33. Or just kill Draco and force Snape to watch him die. *dodges fangirls*
34. Give him the nickname Half-Blood Princess.
35. Find anything he's ever written "I am the Half-Blood Prince" on, and change it to say "Princess."
36. Blackmail him. "If you do anything bad to me, I'll show everyone the picture of you before your nose job went horribly wrong!"
37. Comment on how smudgy his papers are because they have grease marks from his nose on them.
38. Tell him Voldemort doesn't love him anymore.
39. Tell him a story with many parallels to his own life, and disguise it badly.
40. End with his imminent doom and the moral: "Greasy-haird traitors who murder old men [for any reason] and run away, will always get caught and murdered in the most painful way wizardly possible."
41. When he confronts you about it, pretend you have no idea what he's talking about.
42. Tie him to a chair and force him to watch the Potter Puppet Pals.
43. Buy him a shirt with his Pupper Pal look-a-like and say "Bother!" as loudly as you can whenever you're in his presence.
44. And if none of these bother Snape enough, you could always hack away at his head with a blunt axe - giving him a slow, painful death and an embarassing, not-quite-Headless-Hunt-material afterlife.
53 Ways to Infuriate Ron Weasley
Who knows, maybe he'll try another one of those "Eat slugs!" spells..
By Ruth and Sophie Lawlor
1. Tell him Hermione has a boyfriend.
2. Repeatedly ask him whatever happened to "Lav-Lav"?
3. Tell him Krum is coming back.
4. Stare pointedly at his forehead, looking bewildered.
5. and when he asks what youre looking at, say in a disappointed voice, I just thought youd have a scar too, being Harry Potters (sigh adoringly then look superior) sidekick and all.
6. Tell him that Krum is having a welcome back party and everyone is invited.
7. ..except him, that is.
8. The next time someone says Ron, state loudly, Isnt that the name of Harry Potters useless sidekick? Or maybe its Ronan. I can never remember.
9. Run up to Harry Potter and scream Ohmigod its Harry Potter! then beg for his autograph, and when hes giving it to you say to Ron Hi you must be um Harrys, er, associate!
10. Tell him the Chudley Cannons have asked Harry to join their team as soon as he leaves school.
11. Take noisy pictures of him when he's playing Quidditch and announce to the rest of the team that they're for a very flattering article in the Daily Prophet.
12. ..conveniently forget to tell them the pictures are for an article entitled "It's True, You Really Can Train Trolls to Fly."
13. Put a miniature Whomping Willow in his bookbag.
14. Get everyone to wear Hermione's knitted elf clothing.
15. When he asks for some say Really Ronald, you dont think these things are fashionable, do you? Were only wearing them to raise funds!
16. Associate everything he says with all of the brave things his friends have done.
17. ..never mention anything he's done when doing so.
18. Ask him why he wasn't in the Department of Mysteries helping Harry fight the Death Eaters.
19. When he insists that he was, roll your eyes and say in an exasperated voice, Well you didnt exactly do anything important did you?
20. Send him a Valentine's Day card from Luna Lovegood.
21. Give him another pair of old, horrific dress robes and insist that he wears them.
22. If he refuses, act mortally offended for days.
23. When he finally does wear them, drag him into a public place and make it a point to draw attention to him.
24. ..make sure someone with a camera is nearby.
25. Call him Roonil Wazlib.
26. Ask him why he stole Harry Potter's nickname.
27. Speak in a fake foreign accent that's uncannily similar to Krum's..
28. Insist that West Ham is the best Quidditch team ever.
29. In the middle of the night pretend to wake up after a dream, clutching your forehead and screaming Ron! Ron, your whole entire family has been eaten by a snake!
30. When he looks horrified, cheerfully exclaim; "Oh no, my mistake. Goodnight!"
31. Continue to have fake dreams of this incident every night for the next week.
32. Kindly present him with a book entitled "Personal Hygiene: Back to the Basics" and smile when he looks mortified.
33. State loudly two minutes before a Quidditch match that Harry can't make it because he's practicing for his next interview.
34. Ask Ginny to replace him.
35. Then say in an audible whisper Its not like anyone else is any good. Especially Ronan no, Rupert (sigh) Harry Potters sidekick you know (gasp of realization) Roonil Wazlib!
36. Comment on how well that one half of his eyebrow has grown in..
37. Tell him that the tattoo of the Hungarian Horntail on Harry's chest is real because Ginny's told you she's seen it.
38. Constantly throw small, sharp objects at his head.
39. And when he gets annoyed look innocent and say I was only trying to give you a scar!
40. Tell him about three times a day that Parvati told Dean to tell Seamus to tell Neville to tell Fred to tell George to tell Angelina to tell Alicia that Fleur knows that Krum said that Ernie said
41. To tell Hannah to tell Justin to tell Zacharias to let Susan know to inform Terry to pass on the message to Katie so she could alert Leanne to confirm what Cho said to Marietta who told Padma to tell Hermione to tell me to tell you that erm I cant really remember but I think it was something like um er well someone in your familys been killed or something like that. Im not sure. Ill get back to you on that one, ok?
42. Ask if you can borrow Pigwidgeon and when he says yes, produce two overly large packages.
43. Send him a Howler that will screech the Slytherin version of "Weasley Is Our King."
44. Sneak up behind him, cover his eyes, and say "Guess who Won-Won?" in an annoying sing-song voice.
45. Ask him why he isnt wearing the necklace Lav-Lav gave him.
46. Whenever hes late for class stand in his way saying Ron, you cant go through here because someone set off a load of Garrotting Gas no Ronald you really cant stop Ronald, just stop etc. etc.
47. Offer him a plate of rock cakes and when he refuses to eat one burst into hysterical tears screaming things like Betrayal of trust and Supposed to be my friend.
48. Put Harrys name into the Goblet Of Fire or Firewhisky, whichever is available.
49. Run up to him screaming Ron, youve won the lottery! When he asks how much say Im not sure, about two or three Knuts I think.
50. Tell him hes won a Services To The School Award and an Order Of Merlin 1st Class and when he asks what for say, For nearly getting strangled to death by brains in the Department Of Mysteries in your 5th year.
51. Tell him that, for the same reason, hes also won Witch Weeklys 472nd Most Charming Scar Award.
52. Remind him that the other 471 awards went to Harry.
53. Continuously point out mistakes in his Transfiguration work even if its perfect (which it probably isnt) and when you fail the class announce loudly that Ron taught you everything you know.
Narcissa Malfoy's Top Ten Disgustingly Cute Names for Draco
by Bob Sindeldecker with help from David Middleton
10. Ickle-Drakey-Wakey
9. Drakey-Dookie-Diddy-Dums
8. Drakey-Diddy-Dobby-Doo
7. Snoogie-Woogie-Drakey-Poo
6. Drakey-Dinky-Dookie-Doodums
5. Drakey-Poopsie-Oopsie-Goo
4. Drakey-Dimsy-Mimsy-Doo-Doo
3. Drakey-Doody-Sweetie-Dookums
2. Dipsy-Doopsy-Drakey-Poo
1. YOU ****** BRAT!!!
123 Ways to Annoy, Harass, Confuse or Generally Scare Lord Voldemort
Sure-fire ways to get yourself killed, or at least Crucio'd round the block and back again
Started by Amanda Lack (stars_planets_clocks), and added to by countless others
1. Ask him why he 'doesn't have such a cool scar?'
2. Laugh at him.
3. Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear. 'Round, round, get around, I get around...'
4. Knit him things. Really hideous things.
5. Give him kangaroo-ears for a month.
6. Smile during Death Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.
7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.
8. Dance the Funky Chicken.
9. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath.
10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.
11. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.
12. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at night.
13. Call him 'The-Man-Who-Let-the-Boy-Live.'
14. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more socially acceptable?'
15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.
16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.
17. Be cheerful.
18. When he tries to impress you with his powers, say 'Awwwww, lookit. Voldie's got a twiggle!'
19. Try to teach him to play a mouth organ.
20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'
21. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.'
22. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? What's that - a washing detergent?'
23. Keep a 'good-behaviour chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.
24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.
25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there...
26. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?
27. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.
28. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?'
29. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.
30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.
31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll.
32. Exclaim sarcastically 'You're breakin' my little heart here, O Dark One' whenever he starts to talk of what caused him to become who he is.
33. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'
34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.
35. Mock his choice of Quirrell as a 'host.'
36. Tell you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his wicked ways.'
37. Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his head.
38. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions, 'Wingardium Leviosa' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you thought you were helping!
39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.
40. Buy him a stress ball.
41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.
42. Call him Tommy-boy.
43. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.
44. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.
45. Say he 'looked better under the turban.'
46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.
47. Endeavour to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.
48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length.
49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.
50. 'Imperio' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of 'All Things Bright And Beautiful.'
51. Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you think he needs to make a 'grand entry.'
52. Paint all the Death Eater masks with bright colours and glitter.
53. Throw him a 'Carebears'-themed birthday party.
54. Tell him what Snape's really up to.
55. Politely exclaim now and again that you don't know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles.
56. Sing 'California Dreamin' at the top of your lungs when he's trying to have an 'evil moment.'
57. Should you ever be eating with him - drum tunes with your cutlery, play with your food and blow bubbles in your chocolate milk.
58. Ask him to dance a polka with you.
59. Work cutesy phrases like 'pushing-up-daisies' and 'smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom' into conversation as much as possible.
60. Ask him if he's sure 'the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?'
61. Get him to play 'Twister' with you.
62. Tell him you know this great therapist in London....
63. Throw Tupperware parties. Insist he sit through them.
64. Tell him you've met plently of people more evil than he.
65. Hide his teddy bear. That ALWAYS makes him cry.
66. Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn't water it and it dies.
67. Steal, snap and bury his wand.
68. Tell him Lucius did it.
69. Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts and contact details.
70. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.
71. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.
72. Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy 'to the cause.'
73. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include 'The Ugly Duckling.'
74. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.
75. When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your arms, waggle a finger and say 'Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?'
76. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of 'that sweet, innocent, cute little boy.'
77. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.
78. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
79. Leave disgusting and rotting dead things near him. Insist that it is 'Aromatherapy.'
80. Begin any question you ask him with 'Riddle me this!' Emphasis on Riddle.
81. Do not EVER act in the slightest way intimidated by him. Treat him as you would an eccentric aquaintance.
82. Cuddle him at random moments.
83. Sign him up for Little-League.
84. Ask him why he's afraid of a frail old man with a beard the size of a beehive and can't fight babies.
85. Throw biscuits at him. Constantly.
86. Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are 'kind of girlie.'
87. Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the wizarding world.
88. Wonder aloud whether the name Voldemort commands as much respect as, say, Potter or Dumbledore.
89. Mimic everything he says in a sing-song voice.
90. Mimic everything he does with exaggerated limb-movements.
91. Write sonnets for him.
92. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword every morning.
93. Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of disinfectant.
94. Tell people he's 'really just a big softie.'
95. Psychoanalyze him. Conclude that he is 'mildy depressed' and 'a bit of a control-freak.'
96. Mock his baldness.
97. Smile and say loudly 'Who loves you, Volders?' at inopportune moments. (Ie: another of his attempted 'evil moments')
98. Get him drunk.
99. Drag out a banjo at Death Eater revels and start playing 'Kumbayah.'
100. Let him catch you trying on Death Eater robes.
101. Be Harry Potter. Be alive.
102. As he's plotting dark deeds, pretend to cough and mutter things like 'Not gonna work, or 'stupid.'
103. Call him 'Champ' or 'Tiger.' Refer to yourself as 'Coach.'
104. Three words: Potter Puppet Pals.
105. Ask him where he gets his garlic-scented soap.
106. Ask him to dye Easter eggs with you.
107. ..at Christmas.
108. Make him dance in the rain with you.
109. Insist that this is to cleanse his soul.
110. "Accidentally" schedule him a him a haircut.
111. ..even though he's bald.
112. Be offended by everything he says.
113. When he gives you an order, stare at him blankly and drool.
114. Invite him to go streaking.
115. Kill Harry.
116. On the next Valentine's Day, decorate his lair.
117. ..make sure the decorations are pink and frilly.
118. Tell him that getting the same plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson was definitely a bad idea.
119. Paint his fingernails hot pink while he's sleeping, then place a permanent sticking charm on them so he can't remove the color.
120. Whenever you look at him cover your eyes with your hands and scream "IT BURNS!!!"
121. Bake him scar shaped cookies, but insist it wasn't purposeful.
122. Trade his black robes in for pink pajamas.
123. Insist that it's opposite day and paint a lightning bolt on his forehead.
120 Ways to Agitate Someone Who Doesn't Like Harry Potter
Guaranteed to tick them off!
Started by Yvette, and continued by countless fans!
This list may contain spoilers!
1. Relate everything they say to the Harry Potter books and/or movies.
2. Say they look like a Harry Potter character of the opposite gender.
3. Quote Dobby.
4. Hog the computer 24/7 while logged onto MuggleNet.
5. Read out loud to them whenever they can't get away from you (Example: When in a car or an elevator). If you don't have a book with you, recite from memory.
6. Give them Harry Potter merchandise for their birthday and Christmas and demand that they keep it and treasure it forever.
7. Rewrite their favorite song with Harry Potter lyrics and sing it constantly.
8. Crowd their inbox with Harry Potter related e-mail and make sure the subjects are misleading.
9. Start singing a Sorting Hat song at random moments, pretend to forget what comes next, and ask if they know in a very loud voice.
10. Make them play Quidditch with you.
11. Give all of their friends Harry Potter related nicknames and act mortally offended when they don't know the history of their character.
12. Change your name to that of a Harry Potter character and start screaming when they don't address you as such in public.
13. Always speak with a British accent - especially if you aren't from the UK.
14. Refer to real places by Harry Potter names.
15. ...throw a fit if others don't use these names.
16. Draw round glasses and lightning bolt scars on every poster and picture you come across...in permanent marker.
17. Give long lectures about how the prophecy relates to every day life.
18. Give every room in your house a Harry Potter codename. ( Example: The living room becomes the Entrance Hall) and whenever someone asks you where something is, use these names.
19. Change them immediately if they figure out what the names refer to.
20. Constantly ask if they can see the thestrals too.
21. ...refuse to explain what a thestral is.
22. Say, "Anything off the trolley, dear?" in a fake British accent when offering anyone food.
23. Pretend you can do magic.
24. Constantly rearrange their furniture and blame it on indecisive house-elves.
25. Yell "Get away from me, Death Eater!" whenever they get near you.
26. Constantly compare them to Mrs. Figg.
27. ...laugh evilly if they ask who Mrs. Figg is.
28. Complain loudly about how your pictures don't move.
29. Whenever you're asked for advice, reply with "Three turns should do it" in a very serious voice.
30. Break any awkward silences by saying, "How 'bout them Chudley Cannons?"
31. Tell a very long joke using a random Harry Potter quote as the punchline and then laugh hysterically.
32. ...make sure the joke isn't funny.
33. Use the titles "You-Know-Who" and "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" to refer to random people.
34. ... make sure no one knows who you're talking about.
35. Write letters to people (friends, neighbors...politicians) and ask them to join S.P.E.W.
36. ...hand fliers advertising it to random passerby.
37. Report Dumbledore's death to your local authorities.
38. Call them repeatedly asking if Percy Weasley is there and hang up before they can reply.
39. Pop up in place you're not supposed to be and insist that you were only trying to Apparate.
40. If you're late for something, blame it on your broken Time Turner.
41. Deck yourself out in all of your Harry Potter gear when you know you'll be going to a public place.
42. Walk past a wall over and over again, stopping randomly to bang on. When you receive weird stares, shout, "What?! I'm look for the Room of Requirement!"
43. Every time you see them, demand an explanation of why exactly they don't like Harry Potter.
44. If anyone tells you you'll go to hell for reading Harry Potter, either: a) jump and down and tell them that you can't wait; b) tell them you'll meet them there; c) sing "Weasley Is Our King" over and over again; or d) ask them to back up this claim with evidence, and laugh at them when they can't.
45. Play the soundtracks while they're stuck in your car.
46. ...add commentary. ( Oh, this is where they...)
47. When one of the movies is on TV, call to remind them.
48. ...every five minutes.
49. If they ask for your phone number, tell them it's 6-2-4-4-2.
50. Say "Alohomora!" everytime you open a door.
51. Sort every person you meet into one of the four Houses.
52. Follow them around while acting out a scene from the book doing very annoying voices for all the characters. Expect them to join in, and act offended when they don't.
53. Count down to some obscure Harry Potter event, whether it's Dumbledore's birthday, or when a Harry Potter DVD comes out. Keep saying: "87 (86, 85, etc.) more days!" in the middle of every conversation you have with your friend. Smile in a superior way when they ask what you're counting down to.
54. Start talking about a deceased Harry Potter character and suddenly burst into hysterical tears.
55. Refuse to be comforted.
56. Ask them to help you study for your O.W.L's and N.E.W.T's.
57. Knit them hats and insist that you're just trying to liberate them.
58. Talk to animals and insist that they're Animagi.
59. Treat them to lunch and then suddenly realize you can't pay for the meal since the restaurant doesn't accept Galleons, Sickles, or Knuts.
60. Run up to random men with long, dark hair and scream, "SIRIUS! I always knew you were alive!"
61. Point at modern electronic devices and loudly say, "Look at that! The things these Muggles come up with..."
62. Write letters to the editor of your local newspaper about the evils of our society ( Namely, Death Eaters and discrimination against friendly werewolves).
63. Send them numerous letters informing them that they have been selected to attend Hogwarts.
64. Carry around a shiny rock and proclaim that you possess the Sorcerer's Stone.
65. Say everything in a sing-song voice like Luna Lovegood.
66. End every converastion and/or letter with "Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"
67. ...refuse to provide an explanation.
68. Tap all brick walls you encounter with an umbrella.
69. Say "Lumos" when turning on a light.
70. Point and grunt and insist that you're speaking Troll.
71. Refuse to wash your hair and explain that you're going for the Snape look.
72. Spend hours at a time trying to get your broom to fly.
73. Invite them over for the night and force them to watch the first three movies with you.
74. If they leave for any reason, restart the movie and tell them it's the Time Turner scene.
75. Shriek loudly and insist that you're speaking Mermish.
76. If you're asked to retrieve something, shout "Accio!" loudly.
77. ...when this doesn't work, throw a fit.
78. Demand to know what exactly the function of a rubber duck is.
79. Talk like Hagrid.
80. Point to garden gnomes and say, "Silly Muggles don't have a clue about what gnomes look like!" in a very loud voice.
81. Take them to a CD store and make them help you look for the newest Weird Sisters album.
82. Yell "Avada Kedavra" anytime they give the anti-HP lecture, then fake excruciating pain as your soul rips in two.
83. Write "Enemies of the Heir, BEWARE!" in red paint on their wall.
84. When confronted about the message, refuse to take responsibility and/or explain it further.
85. Hum Hedwig's Theme constantly and be sure to include any crescendos, decrescendos, accents, etc.
86. Petition to have Hedwig's Theme become the new National Anthem.
87. Wear all black and explain that you're in mourning over the death of "The Only One He Ever Feared."
88. ...when asked for am explanation of this cryptic title, cry hysterically.
89. Replace their entire movie collection with the Harry Potter films.
90. If they ask you about the weather, solemnly say, "Mars is bright tonight."
91. Print this out and use it as a checklist.
92. Insist that they subscribe for your new Harry Potter newsletter and when they say no, act like you've been seriously offended.
93. Potter Puppet Pals, anyone?
94. Knit them a maroon jumper every year - especially if maroon isn't their color.
95. When taking the stairs with them, stop and insist that you have to wait because the staircases are moving.
96. If someone turns off the lights, make a loud cracking sound and pretend to Apparate to the other side of the room.
97. Carry around a hip flask and refuse to drink anything anyone offers you.
98. Toss a small handful of sand and yell out, "Diagon Alley!"
99. If you go to a train station with them, loudly ask random people if they know where you can find Platform 9 3/4. Do this in an extremely fake British accent.
100. When your friend is checking sports scores, ask them if they can find out the score of the latest Quidditch match.
101. If they refuse, complain (loudly) that you missed the semi-final match between the Chudley Cannons and the Wimbourne Wasps and you need to know who will be advancing to the finals against the Tutshill Tornadoes.
102. At your next sleepover, draw a lightning-bolt scar on your forehead, and just as your friend is drifting off to sleep, grab your forehead and start screaming that you dreamed Voldemort killed your parents.
103. Fill a bowl with water and tie some tinsel to the end of your wand. Move the wand-tip from your temple to the bowl and pretend you're transferring your thoughts to a Pensieve, and ask not to be disturbed.
104. When at a train station with them, repeatedly throw yourself against the wall between Platforms 9 and 10. If someone asks if you need help, state in a panicked voice that you're going to miss the Hogwarts Express, and do they have a flying car that you could borrow?
105.At random moments, pick up a wand like object and run around a room, screaming deadly curses and disturbing jinxes. Then collapse, act faint and say that you must be immediately to St. Mungos for you had been placed under the Imperius curse. When not taken, repeat the process.
106. While playing chess with them, stare at your pieces and give them verbal commands.
107. Throw the chessboard across the room when the pieces don't move.
108. Invite them to play "find the Horcrux" with you.
109. Tell them you're wearing an invisibility cloak, then hide.
110. Say "Knock knock." When the person says "Who's there?", say "You Know." When they say "You Know Who?", roll on the floor laughing. When they say they don't get it, become very offended and refuse to explain.
111. Wear mismatched clothes and if someone asks you why say it's because you can never keep up with the muggle fashions.
112. Send out birthday party invitations for a Harry Potter character. Be sure to call everyone who doesn't respond and ask them if they're coming.
113. On the first day of school, ask all of your teachers if "Hogwarts, a History" will be required reading.
114. In casual conversation, mention things you've been taught by Professor Flitwick.
115. Call your local station or cable provider and ask if they will be carrying the Chuddly Cannon games this season.
116. Write all letters to said person on parchment with quills.
117. Whenever they read the newspaper in public, complain loudly about how Scrimegeour is paying them to keep the big stories quiet.
118. Drag them along to the nearest place that has old brick buildings, pull out your pink umbrella, and start tapping the bricks - explain that you're looking for Diagon Alley.
119. Whenever it's foggy outside, scream "The Dementors are coming!" and hide for days at a time.
120. Fill a bowl with water and tie some tinsel to the end of your wand. Move the wand-tip from your temple to the bowl and pretend you're transferring your thoughts to a Pensieve, and ask not to be disturbed.
121. Insist the radio is called a Wizarding Wireless Network.
122. When travelling long distances, insist on going by Floo Powder - while grabbing a handful of soil from the nearest flowerpot.
123. Tell them that they're almost as smart as Grawp.
124. ..refuse to tell them who Grawp is.
125. Speak in a loud harsh voice at random moments and make predictions about people. Then, use your normal voice again and pretend that you don't remember anything.
126. Constantly remind them that you're Dumbledore's man/woman through and through.
127. Walk up to random people and ask them if their initials are R.A.B.
128. If they say no, give them a dirty mistrusting look.
129. If they say yes, then tackle them and demand that they hand over the Horcrux.
130. Yell "Crucio" at drivers who cut you off.
131. Call them every night and ask what the Transfiguration homework is.
11 Comebacks to Use When Voldemort Says He's Going to Kill You
If nothing else, you'll definitely be killed!
By Ravenclaw4life
This list may contain spoilers!
1. "What did I ever do to y..oh, nevermind."
2. "Oh, ha ha, you got me!! Am I on Punk'd? Where's the camera guy, huh? Where!?"
3. "Wow, you're even dumber than you look, and that's saying something. What kind of idiot tells their victim what they're about to do?! I'm ready for you now!!" *Prepare yourself by getting into various Matrix positions, beckon him with one finger*
4. "And she's all 'F.Y.I., he's so into me and not you.' and I'm all 'Yeah, right, whatever.' Oh, I'm sorry! Did you say something?"
5. "Why do you have to be so mean?!" *produce fake tears and throw a tantrum*
6. "Uh, I'm not here right now. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEEP!!!" *take off running*
7. *cackle with laughter* "You sound like a girl ! Hey honey, come listen to this guy talk!"
8. "My dear snake-man, I must say your manners are quite poor. I have just the thing!" *put on record and sing along* 'Please - say - please - and - thank you for saying thank you!'
9. "Are you a joke? Clearly you're a joke!"
10. "I'm sensing some self-confidence problems. I hear they have an excellent psychiatric ward at St. Mungo's...and while you're there, maybe you could have them do something about your nose."
11. "Oh yeah, and you've told Harry that how many times now? I'm soooooo scared!"
41 Ways to Bother Severus Snape...and ultimately pay him back for killing Dumbledore
Guaranteed to get you, at the very least, a detention or two...
Remy, Leah, Aly, Genny, Elizabeth, Emzy, Sarah F., Sarah S., and Stacy
1. Make him take a shower.
2. Make him use shampoo in aforementioned shower.
3. Make him use clarifying shampoo.
4. Apparate next to him, hand him a tube of super-strong facial cleanser, then quickly Disapparate before he realizes what happened.
5. Enchant this cleanser to follow him around until he uses it.
6. ...enchant the cleanser to follow him around anyway.
7. Tell him you stole his teddy bear.
8. Tell him you won't give it back until he agrees to wash his hair.
9. When he washes his hair, tell him you were just kidding and said teddy bear has already been destroyed.
10. Sneak up on him while he's asleep and give him a mohawk.
11. Sneak up on him while he's asleep and write "Crazy!" all over his face in permanent ink.
12. Sneak up on him when he's asleep and wash his hair.
13. Send him repeated invitations to a makeover party - which emphasis on facials, shampooing, and hair-braiding. ("But you'll look so pretty!!")
14. Force him to get a Michael Jackson-type nose surgery.
15. Call him Michael by accident.
16. Make parallels between him and Michael Jackson. "You both have deformed noses, you both have pale skin, you both have greasy black hair, he's the King of Pop, you're the Half-Blood Prince, you both molest chil..Oops!"
17. Prank call him and say, "Where's the emergency?! I hear there was a man at this number who needed an extreme nose job ASAP!" over and over again.
18. Resurrect James using a seance and make him haunt Snape for eternity.
19. Hypnotize the Death Eaters to make fun of him and constantly try to de-pants him.
20. Tap him on his left shoulder and jump to the right.
21. Nudge him and say, "So...how's the double-agent business going?" *nudgenudgewinkwink*
22. Tape a sign that says "CURSE ME!" on his back.
23. Call him Snivellus.
24. Tell you consulted a pyschic and he's not a Prince afterall...and he never will be.
25. Convince him that going around in the nude is the new "in" style. Wait, are we torturing him or us?!
26. Give him to Grawp. *evil laugh*
27. Obliviate his memory and force him to spend the rest of his days as a Muggle. Or better yet, try it within the Obliviating part!
28. Dye his skin pink.
29. Force him to become the head Gryffindor cheerleader.
30. Tell him that you've killed Draco (as tempting as it may be, do not really kill him!).
31. Laugh evilly and tell him that he's broken the Unbreakable Vow since he didn't save Draco, and will therefore die at any moment.
32. Laugh at him as he runs in circles panicking about his impending "doom."
33. Or just kill Draco and force Snape to watch him die. *dodges fangirls*
34. Give him the nickname Half-Blood Princess.
35. Find anything he's ever written "I am the Half-Blood Prince" on, and change it to say "Princess."
36. Blackmail him. "If you do anything bad to me, I'll show everyone the picture of you before your nose job went horribly wrong!"
37. Comment on how smudgy his papers are because they have grease marks from his nose on them.
38. Tell him Voldemort doesn't love him anymore.
39. Tell him a story with many parallels to his own life, and disguise it badly.
40. End with his imminent doom and the moral: "Greasy-haird traitors who murder old men [for any reason] and run away, will always get caught and murdered in the most painful way wizardly possible."
41. When he confronts you about it, pretend you have no idea what he's talking about.
42. Tie him to a chair and force him to watch the Potter Puppet Pals.
43. Buy him a shirt with his Pupper Pal look-a-like and say "Bother!" as loudly as you can whenever you're in his presence.
44. And if none of these bother Snape enough, you could always hack away at his head with a blunt axe - giving him a slow, painful death and an embarassing, not-quite-Headless-Hunt-material afterlife.
53 Ways to Infuriate Ron Weasley
Who knows, maybe he'll try another one of those "Eat slugs!" spells..
By Ruth and Sophie Lawlor
1. Tell him Hermione has a boyfriend.
2. Repeatedly ask him whatever happened to "Lav-Lav"?
3. Tell him Krum is coming back.
4. Stare pointedly at his forehead, looking bewildered.
5. and when he asks what youre looking at, say in a disappointed voice, I just thought youd have a scar too, being Harry Potters (sigh adoringly then look superior) sidekick and all.
6. Tell him that Krum is having a welcome back party and everyone is invited.
7. ..except him, that is.
8. The next time someone says Ron, state loudly, Isnt that the name of Harry Potters useless sidekick? Or maybe its Ronan. I can never remember.
9. Run up to Harry Potter and scream Ohmigod its Harry Potter! then beg for his autograph, and when hes giving it to you say to Ron Hi you must be um Harrys, er, associate!
10. Tell him the Chudley Cannons have asked Harry to join their team as soon as he leaves school.
11. Take noisy pictures of him when he's playing Quidditch and announce to the rest of the team that they're for a very flattering article in the Daily Prophet.
12. ..conveniently forget to tell them the pictures are for an article entitled "It's True, You Really Can Train Trolls to Fly."
13. Put a miniature Whomping Willow in his bookbag.
14. Get everyone to wear Hermione's knitted elf clothing.
15. When he asks for some say Really Ronald, you dont think these things are fashionable, do you? Were only wearing them to raise funds!
16. Associate everything he says with all of the brave things his friends have done.
17. ..never mention anything he's done when doing so.
18. Ask him why he wasn't in the Department of Mysteries helping Harry fight the Death Eaters.
19. When he insists that he was, roll your eyes and say in an exasperated voice, Well you didnt exactly do anything important did you?
20. Send him a Valentine's Day card from Luna Lovegood.
21. Give him another pair of old, horrific dress robes and insist that he wears them.
22. If he refuses, act mortally offended for days.
23. When he finally does wear them, drag him into a public place and make it a point to draw attention to him.
24. ..make sure someone with a camera is nearby.
25. Call him Roonil Wazlib.
26. Ask him why he stole Harry Potter's nickname.
27. Speak in a fake foreign accent that's uncannily similar to Krum's..
28. Insist that West Ham is the best Quidditch team ever.
29. In the middle of the night pretend to wake up after a dream, clutching your forehead and screaming Ron! Ron, your whole entire family has been eaten by a snake!
30. When he looks horrified, cheerfully exclaim; "Oh no, my mistake. Goodnight!"
31. Continue to have fake dreams of this incident every night for the next week.
32. Kindly present him with a book entitled "Personal Hygiene: Back to the Basics" and smile when he looks mortified.
33. State loudly two minutes before a Quidditch match that Harry can't make it because he's practicing for his next interview.
34. Ask Ginny to replace him.
35. Then say in an audible whisper Its not like anyone else is any good. Especially Ronan no, Rupert (sigh) Harry Potters sidekick you know (gasp of realization) Roonil Wazlib!
36. Comment on how well that one half of his eyebrow has grown in..
37. Tell him that the tattoo of the Hungarian Horntail on Harry's chest is real because Ginny's told you she's seen it.
38. Constantly throw small, sharp objects at his head.
39. And when he gets annoyed look innocent and say I was only trying to give you a scar!
40. Tell him about three times a day that Parvati told Dean to tell Seamus to tell Neville to tell Fred to tell George to tell Angelina to tell Alicia that Fleur knows that Krum said that Ernie said
41. To tell Hannah to tell Justin to tell Zacharias to let Susan know to inform Terry to pass on the message to Katie so she could alert Leanne to confirm what Cho said to Marietta who told Padma to tell Hermione to tell me to tell you that erm I cant really remember but I think it was something like um er well someone in your familys been killed or something like that. Im not sure. Ill get back to you on that one, ok?
42. Ask if you can borrow Pigwidgeon and when he says yes, produce two overly large packages.
43. Send him a Howler that will screech the Slytherin version of "Weasley Is Our King."
44. Sneak up behind him, cover his eyes, and say "Guess who Won-Won?" in an annoying sing-song voice.
45. Ask him why he isnt wearing the necklace Lav-Lav gave him.
46. Whenever hes late for class stand in his way saying Ron, you cant go through here because someone set off a load of Garrotting Gas no Ronald you really cant stop Ronald, just stop etc. etc.
47. Offer him a plate of rock cakes and when he refuses to eat one burst into hysterical tears screaming things like Betrayal of trust and Supposed to be my friend.
48. Put Harrys name into the Goblet Of Fire or Firewhisky, whichever is available.
49. Run up to him screaming Ron, youve won the lottery! When he asks how much say Im not sure, about two or three Knuts I think.
50. Tell him hes won a Services To The School Award and an Order Of Merlin 1st Class and when he asks what for say, For nearly getting strangled to death by brains in the Department Of Mysteries in your 5th year.
51. Tell him that, for the same reason, hes also won Witch Weeklys 472nd Most Charming Scar Award.
52. Remind him that the other 471 awards went to Harry.
53. Continuously point out mistakes in his Transfiguration work even if its perfect (which it probably isnt) and when you fail the class announce loudly that Ron taught you everything you know.
::Snow_White::
DIS Legend
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Knock Knock?
Who's there?
You know.
You know who?
-Scream-
-Laugh-
tigger/winnie/tink
<font color=deeppink>Luna Love<br><font color=roya
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2007
- Messages
- 2,095
wow i didn't read it all
CastawayJ
<font color=blue>The 10th Doctors faithful compani
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- Jul 4, 2006
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Not-Really-All-That Dear Lord Voldemort,
I am absolutely appalled at your actions. Even when you do something the slightest bit good, you have ulterior motives that make your good deed worthless. For instance, you mentioned that you killed Santa Claus in a previous entry. While I applaud this decision (surely you know that Santa Claus was the biggest elf slavedriver in the world, and to make matters worse, this fact has been glorified in childrens literature), you completely negated it by employing the elves as your slaves! Have you no shame?
Furthermore, it may interest you to know that your blog has been discovered by an Order of the Phoenix informant, who has read every entry out loud during Order meetings? While some aspects of your blog are indeed amusing, I was shocked and horrified by some of the content. For instance, that Wrong Bananas video in your last entry. As for the identity of the informant, theres no way Im telling you who that is, but Id watch your step if I were you.
Absolutely no love whatsoever,
Hermione Jane Granger.
P.S. While I am flattered to be number six on your hit list and pleased that you are jealous of my hair, I assure you that I do not, in fact, have twenty-eight forks, a pet parrot, my Great Aunt Zelda, and the complete works of William Shakespeare concealed in my hair. At last count, there were only twenty-seven forks in there.
I am absolutely appalled at your actions. Even when you do something the slightest bit good, you have ulterior motives that make your good deed worthless. For instance, you mentioned that you killed Santa Claus in a previous entry. While I applaud this decision (surely you know that Santa Claus was the biggest elf slavedriver in the world, and to make matters worse, this fact has been glorified in childrens literature), you completely negated it by employing the elves as your slaves! Have you no shame?
Furthermore, it may interest you to know that your blog has been discovered by an Order of the Phoenix informant, who has read every entry out loud during Order meetings? While some aspects of your blog are indeed amusing, I was shocked and horrified by some of the content. For instance, that Wrong Bananas video in your last entry. As for the identity of the informant, theres no way Im telling you who that is, but Id watch your step if I were you.
Absolutely no love whatsoever,
Hermione Jane Granger.
P.S. While I am flattered to be number six on your hit list and pleased that you are jealous of my hair, I assure you that I do not, in fact, have twenty-eight forks, a pet parrot, my Great Aunt Zelda, and the complete works of William Shakespeare concealed in my hair. At last count, there were only twenty-seven forks in there.
CastawayJ
<font color=blue>The 10th Doctors faithful compani
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- Messages
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umbridge's, Nagini's and Rosey's rules for Voldy's date
(taken from this page: http://fanfiction.mugglenet.com/viewstory.php?sid=58092&textsize=0&chapter=5 )
1. I must not tell my date that her pink dress ‘goes great with her acne.’
2. I must not take measurements of her neck and tell her that I wanted to order her a custom-made noose especially for her.
3. I must not mention my one remaining horc… *HAPPY THING*, the one I’ve never mentioned to anyone and kept a total secret. (Ravenclaw’s charm bracelet, the one that’s hidden in my underwear drawer, since I never use that drawer for my drawers, so to speak.)
4. I must not order anything made from human flesh, or containing garlic (it gives me bad breath.)
5. To wear: pink polo shirt from Hollister and blue jeans. Not to wear: anything with bloodstains, leather pants (embarrassing story behind that one), eyeliner (can be off-putting.)
6. I must not place the Imperius Curse on my date. (That one’ll be hard.)
7. I must not use the pick-up line that starts with the phrase “Do you have a mirror in your pocket?”
(my note: remember book two with hermonie in the library)
8. I must not recommend that we see a ‘romantic comedy’ like “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” I also must not sing the song “It’s Raining Men” for karaoke.
9. I must not bring along Nagini (in order to keep blondeD from feeling like ‘The Other Woman.’)
10. I must avoid Bellatrix at all costs, and create a diversion if I do, in fact, see her.
(taken from this page: http://fanfiction.mugglenet.com/viewstory.php?sid=58092&textsize=0&chapter=5 )
1. I must not tell my date that her pink dress ‘goes great with her acne.’
2. I must not take measurements of her neck and tell her that I wanted to order her a custom-made noose especially for her.
3. I must not mention my one remaining horc… *HAPPY THING*, the one I’ve never mentioned to anyone and kept a total secret. (Ravenclaw’s charm bracelet, the one that’s hidden in my underwear drawer, since I never use that drawer for my drawers, so to speak.)
4. I must not order anything made from human flesh, or containing garlic (it gives me bad breath.)
5. To wear: pink polo shirt from Hollister and blue jeans. Not to wear: anything with bloodstains, leather pants (embarrassing story behind that one), eyeliner (can be off-putting.)
6. I must not place the Imperius Curse on my date. (That one’ll be hard.)
7. I must not use the pick-up line that starts with the phrase “Do you have a mirror in your pocket?”
(my note: remember book two with hermonie in the library)
8. I must not recommend that we see a ‘romantic comedy’ like “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” I also must not sing the song “It’s Raining Men” for karaoke.
9. I must not bring along Nagini (in order to keep blondeD from feeling like ‘The Other Woman.’)
10. I must avoid Bellatrix at all costs, and create a diversion if I do, in fact, see her.
CastawayJ
<font color=blue>The 10th Doctors faithful compani
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- Jul 4, 2006
- Messages
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for everyone who doesn't like sirius dead
But no, R.A.B. is actually two people, Rodolphus and Bellatrix Lestrange. Surprised? So was I! But apparently, they were never actually true servants of Voldemort-- theyve been on the good side all along, and were spies for the Order. In fact, Bellatrix and Sirius were best friends, and Sirius isnt dead. He was just on vacation in Bermuda (which is where the veil really leads to), and hes back now with a truly splendid tan. You have no idea how much help Bellatrix has been to the Order of the Phoenix. In fact, Snape is now sulking in his trailer because Bellatrix won the Best Double Agent award this year over him, and he only won Worst Hygiene and Least Likeable.
But no, R.A.B. is actually two people, Rodolphus and Bellatrix Lestrange. Surprised? So was I! But apparently, they were never actually true servants of Voldemort-- theyve been on the good side all along, and were spies for the Order. In fact, Bellatrix and Sirius were best friends, and Sirius isnt dead. He was just on vacation in Bermuda (which is where the veil really leads to), and hes back now with a truly splendid tan. You have no idea how much help Bellatrix has been to the Order of the Phoenix. In fact, Snape is now sulking in his trailer because Bellatrix won the Best Double Agent award this year over him, and he only won Worst Hygiene and Least Likeable.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
You know.
You know who?
-Scream-
-Laugh-
I LOVE that joke !
xD
yet, nobody ever gets it when I tell it @_@
::Snow_White::
DIS Legend
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DisGirlAllie
DIS Legend
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Nobody gets it when I tell them either.
ditto.
and i go
if they read the books
STOPxmickeytime
<font color=red>Juice is like the blood of fruits<
- Joined
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- Messages
- 3,258
Hahaha.
Santa Claus is an elf slavedriver.
Silly Hermione with her SPEW
(And my friends don't get it either)
Santa Claus is an elf slavedriver.
Silly Hermione with her SPEW
(And my friends don't get it either)
::Snow_White::
DIS Legend
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- Jun 3, 2007
- Messages
- 24,939
I FORGOT wingardium leviosa!!
-Hits head on door. x17 trillion.-
I no longer call myself a worthy fan.
Feel free to throw me in a fire pit.
I deserve it.
-Hits head on door. x17 trillion.-
I no longer call myself a worthy fan.
Feel free to throw me in a fire pit.
I deserve it.
CastawayJ
<font color=blue>The 10th Doctors faithful compani
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- Jul 4, 2006
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when did you forget it?
and can we throw you in rons place in the troll fighting scene instead?
::Snow_White::
DIS Legend
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Random thread...like 2 or 3 pages back. Just about 15 minutes ago.
Yes.
Erm...Can I have his wand though? [Even though I don't deserve to have a wand.]
Yes.
Erm...Can I have his wand though? [Even though I don't deserve to have a wand.]
CastawayJ
<font color=blue>The 10th Doctors faithful compani
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- Jul 4, 2006
- Messages
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"I'm sure there's a lot of books that we shouldn't be reading"
some one posted that ont the HP is bad thread and I have to say
the stuff we have to read for school is worse(in this sence)then Harry Potter
some one posted that ont the HP is bad thread and I have to say
the stuff we have to read for school is worse(in this sence)then Harry Potter
valeriesunshine
And then.. Voldermort was like, WOAH.
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How is everyone? random.
random.::Snow_White::
DIS Legend
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Wonderful!
And yourself?
And yourself?
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