The Dreaded Ex-Husband Question

[mom1005]

OK, divorced for 4 years now....went on a HUGE Disney vacation right after that with the boys. Going back this August and taking advantage of Free Dining.

So, here is the big question of the day. Do we ask the Dad/Ex-Husband if he would like to go along and all he has to pay would be his portion of the Disney part and his food on way down and home. I will cover the original charges w/o him, the gas down, the hotels etc. Anything that I normally would have paid anyways.

Reason I am doing this crazy thing....he may loose his job and will have to take a "staycation" with the boys this summer. I figure max cost to him would be about $400. Not bad for a week and half vacation right?

So any thoughts........Yeah we get along ok, I am sure he will say no but......

 

[williamson_ja]

I would say that this is a personal decision that you will have to make. Personally, we were somewhat in the same boat and decided to ask the EX to come along with us. Not only did she say "no" she couldn't afford it, now she won't let us take the kids either. "The kids shouldn't get to do those kinds of things if she isn't there with them" Of course, that was just our experience. Your ex may be completely reasonable and not a selfish jerk. lol

 

[stella27]

I think that is a really kind offer on your part.
As long as you get along and having him there wouldn't ruin your trip, I think you should do it. Your children would probably really love it.

 

[badblackpug]

Nope. Wouldn't do it. Aside from the obvious awkwardness, I think it is best to keep the "worlds" separate. I think this type of arrangement is confusing for kids. I think kids need to know that mommy and daddy are not together and are not going to be together, and "living" as a family, for even a short amount of time, can be confusing or lead to false hopes or reuniting. (by the way, what would the sleeping arrangements be? ) There is also the guilt thing. Children of divorce often feel guilty if they paying more or less attention to one parent or another, and feel trapped between the two. Spend your quality time alone and bond with your kids and let him do the same. There are lots of fun things he can do on a budget.

 

[taitai]

I think it is a terrific idea. It really shows that you are putting your kids first which is wonderful as a parent. I am sure your kids will always remember the great trip they took with both their parents. You deserve a lot of praise for making the offer. A lot of people get so bogged down in their own anger that they can't extend the olive branch. Especially as he might not have the option down the road. Well done.

taitai

 

[mom1005]

Nope. Wouldn't do it. Aside from the obvious awkwardness, I think it is best to keep the "worlds" separate. I think this type of arrangement is confusing for kids. I think kids need to know that mommy and daddy are not together and are not going to be together, and "living" as a family, for even a short amount of time, can be confusing or lead to false hopes or reuniting. (by the way, what would the sleeping arrangements be? ) There is also the guilt thing. Children of divorce often feel guilty if they paying more or less attention to one parent or another, and feel trapped between the two. Spend your quality time alone and bond with your kids and let him do the same. There are lots of fun things he can do on a budget.

OH NO.....my kids are older and very much realize that Mom and Dad are never going to get together again. I would agree with your view if they were much younger, but they know that this is a permanent thing. Sleeping arrangement would most likely be one kid with me and one kid with him.....Our kids get equal time between us, in fact we have such an open divorce where the kids are concerned that he is at my house one night a week to take kids out and he hangs at my house until 9 or 930 with them. I have no issue with him being there. Of course I would ask the boys if they wanted to invite their father, again I am sure he will decline not because of money but because of him allowing me the time with my kids as I do with him.

 

[java]

I was a child on the end of one of these- let's get along trips. When my divorced parents took us to disney together- as a child it was confusing. Like are they getting back together? But then the arguing started up and I was convinced it wasn't happening.
Really what I am sure they thought would be the best way to spend our vacation turned out to be one of the saddest I have ever taken.

Just wanted to give a child's review-I'm now 43 years old and can still tell you about that trip like it was yesterday.

I think your intentions are wonderful- just think it through from the children's point of view.

 

[crisi]

I think it puts your ex in a very awkward position. He can't really afford it right now, will be tempted to spend money he doesn't have, won't want to look like he is rejecting the kids or that he is souring on his positive relationship with you.

 

[mom1005]

Just got off the phone with my son....He said "It's really up to you, he's till our dad so I wouldn't mind its more you who id think would mind" I know 100% that they realize mom and dad WILL NOT EVER get together again. And for everyones record.....We have yet to have a single fight, we still don't. We have disagreements where we calmly tell our side and that's it. But have never argued or yelled........

 

[DVCBELLE]

I dated a guy in college and his parents got along great. Both were remarried and when we went to visit - we often all went out together and sometimes I would go out with just his mom and stepmom. At graduation - he went golfing with my dad, his dad and stepdad while I shopped with my mom, his mom and stepmom. All of us had a SPECTACULAR day and a great time. My parents had worried the whole thing would be awkward but it really was the type of situation where they just weren't right for each other as husband and wife but were still great friends.

It sounds like the type of relationship you have with your ex and if you are comfortable with it then I think it would be nice for you to invite him. I would think it would be nice to have another adult along! The thought of going with two alone regardless of their ages makes me tired!!

 

[williamson_ja]

In our situation, it would have been completely separate rooms to stay in. We both got remarried after the divorce and have happily been married to the new spouses for 7-10 years now. There would have been no confusion on that part. BTW my babies that couldn't go on a trip without their mother are 18, 16, and 13 yr old boys. We wanted to take them on one last big family trip together before the oldest goes off to college in the fall.

 

[pixiewings71]

Ummm, I'm going with no on this one. No way would I ask my ex to go on vacation with the girls and I, no way would my Mom have asked my Dad to go on vacation with us. It's just not a good idea....

 

[pweyl36]

In our situation, it would have been completely separate rooms to stay in. We both got remarried after the divorce and have happily been married to the new spouses for 7-10 years now. There would have been no confusion on that part. BTW my babies that couldn't go on a trip without their mother are 18, 16, and 13 yr old boys. We wanted to take them on one last big family trip together before the oldest goes off to college in the fall.

I don't understand how she can say no to the trip, their kids to. and one is
18yrs old. Just tell her your taking them and if she has a problem the tell her to let a judge decide.

 

[hereyago]

I say yes.
My exdh and I have been not together for years. We have a dD11, she knows there is no way we would get back together. Did he and I get along well at first afterwards? No, he was well how he is.
But a few years passed and things happened and we can actually have a holliday meal together. and get along great, I don't need to worry where he is at ,etc.
His GF is great so that helps alot, but we have gone to local amusement parks.
They even went to Washington D.c. to meet up with us for a day and it went well.
My exdh would love to go on vacation, however, he likes to spend hismoney on dumb stuff.
But OP your kids are older and it would be a great time for them, you could even go off and treat yourself to a spa treatment while your exdh spends time alone with them.

 

[Finally08]

Uh, no way.

I can't imagine wanting to be with my ex, nor would he have ever wanted to go. He goes to WDW with his "new" family and they don't even invite (or inform) his first child about it till after the fact.

 

[badblackpug]

OH NO.....my kids are older and very much realize that Mom and Dad are never going to get together again. I would agree with your view if they were much younger, but they know that this is a permanent thing. Sleeping arrangement would most likely be one kid with me and one kid with him.....Our kids get equal time between us, in fact we have such an open divorce where the kids are concerned that he is at my house one night a week to take kids out and he hangs at my house until 9 or 930 with them. I have no issue with him being there. Of course I would ask the boys if they wanted to invite their father, again I am sure he will decline not because of money but because of him allowing me the time with my kids as I do with him.

Sorry, I missed your kids' age. Well, if everyone is comfortable, and you think the trip would go smoothly, then go for it! You are lucky, most days I'd still like to push my ex in front of a train!

 

[esbrick]

I would like to preface this by saying you truely have a great heart and if I were your children I would be so lucky that you are so kind and generous of heart

That being said, although your intentions are wonderful, it does get harder. I came into a relationship where I dated (now married) the divorced dad of an 11 year old girl. For many years they did exactly what you are talking about. Vacations were always with the EX and so were family parties and holidays. When I came into the story, 7 years later, the Ex told me that my arrival was "like going through the divorse all over again" but worse becasue she had no control. I will also tell you that she was still invited to events, personally, by me until, after we were engaged, she crossed a VERY serious line.

Now we talk, send emails, go on vacations, and have life events, some together, some separate depending on the life event. Parties and vacations are kept separate. Communication is always open and is good, however, you can't ever know when someones feelings will change and no matter how much you know that your kids understand the arrangement, or how you EX understands the arrangement, down the line it is harder.

As PP said it is a personal decision and whatever you do will be fine because it is good for you and your family no matter what everyone elses opinion is. Just keep in mind YOUR future and comfort levels. If he is at your house one night a week then that is great! If you both don't fight that's great too but someday you may and it would stink for that first time to be where you are not able to walk away. . .

Best of luck to you!

 

[bumbershoot]

If you guys have the sort of relationship that allows for a nice trip, go for it.

Glad the kids are older; despite my first memories being of them fighting and my dad scaring us routinely, and despite the fact that he didn't live with us from the time I was 2, despite the fact that both mom and dad married new people when I was 7 then 9, it took me until I was 15 to really GET that they were never EVER going to get back together, nor should they. So until I saw their ages I was skeptical that they didn't still wish/think that. But they're old enough.

Although I rarely think "huh, why did they ask *us* that", this time I did, b/c it doesn't sound like this is out of the blue for your relationship, it wouldn't be unusual, sounds in line with the post-divorce relationship you all have...doesn't seem that we would have any info that you guys don't already have!

 

[DisneyBrat]

My first reaction was ARE YOU NUTS!!!! LOL Obviously you have a MUCH better working relationship with your ex than I did with mine. I could have CARED LESS if he had a staycation or not. He would have never ever never been invited to join me on my trip. First of all I wouldn't want the tension because we are still divorced and that would put a strain on my fun with my son.

If you both get along great then go for it. However if there is any chance of him being controlling or argumenative then leave him home. There WILL be other opportunities for him to take the kiddos to see Mickey

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

I think that you should do it if you genuinely want him to go. Just don't invite him and then regret it. Remember you are divorced for some reason. You know yourself and your children the best and know whether your ex going to WDW would be a benefit or a hindrance to your vacation. Remember you will be in close spaces together for awhile.

There are no instructions on being divorced. Every family should work things out whichever works best for them and the children involved and not what anyone else thinks. You are the one living in the situation.

Everyone laughs at mine and my ex's relationship. I
get along with my ex very well. He spends all the holidays at our house. It's not confusing at all to my children. They know there is NO way we are gettign back together. Plus they love the other man in my life. It's great that they do not have to choose between where to go on the holidays. They can be with both of us. My parents are divorced too and they do alot together along with their new spouses. Hey it works for us. It's great.

I hope it all works out for you whichever you choose.