The Big "D"

[Fairy Mom]

Dear Friends,

My husband has announced the big "D." And I fear there is not much hope even after some counseling. He just wants his freedom after almost 14 years. I have always been going to school during our marriage. I am a semester away from my master's degree. With the current job market, I don't even know if I can get a job (teaching).

We have debt. It will be difficult to split. Our house would never sell. It is appraised below what we paid for it 10 years ago. Our 12 yr old daughter just had to have surgery and the medical bills are the largest we have ever had to include in the budget.

Since I haven't worked in 13 years, we are in more debt than we can probably handle (I just decided to go for the master's because I could not get a job with the bachelor's), and I do not want the divorce so what can I do. I will graduate in December. My plan is to get any job and pay down debt. Of course, I'm an emotional ball of tears.

Any advice appreciated. I really don't know or understand what is going to happen next. I believe that my husband will be respectful.

 

[disneydreamersx4]

I'm so sorry I hope your husband will change his mind and work things out

 

[DJT]

Dear Friends,

My husband has announced the big "D." And I fear there is not much hope even after some counseling. He just wants his freedom after almost 14 years. I have always been going to school during our marriage. I am a semester away from my master's degree. With the current job market, I don't even know if I can get a job (teaching).

We have debt. It will be difficult to split. Our house would never sell. It is appraised below what we paid for it 10 years ago. Our 12 yr old daughter just had to have surgery and the medical bills are the largest we have ever had to include in the budget.

Since I haven't worked in 13 years, we are in more debt than we can probably handle (I just decided to go for the master's because I could not get a job with the bachelor's), and I do not want the divorce so what can I do. I will graduate in December. My plan is to get any job and pay down debt. Of course, I'm an emotional ball of tears.

Any advice appreciated. I really don't know or understand what is going to happen next. I believe that my husband will be respectful.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I just prayed for you, for wisdom, affirmation and comfort among other things. I've been where you are. You do have a good education, and things will work out for you, maybe not as soon as you would like, but they will. At a singles seminar I went to many years ago, I bought a great book written by the speaker and when he autographed it, he wrote "Ashes nourish dreams." I thought that was a great quote. You will ultimately be just fine. Hang in there. People love you and will support you. Hugs.

Donna

 

[tinkerbelletreasure]

Well, the good/bad news is that Divorce takes time! Even if everything is amicable, most states have a 3-6 month delay in divorces that involve children. So you will probably be able to finish your schooling before it is all said and done. The question is how much of the expenses is your soon to be ex willing to shoulder in the meantime. Being that he has been the sole breadwinner, you will probably be entitled to alimony as well as child support. Has he moved out and started maintaining a seperate residence?
Whatever the circumstance, realize that divorce is ugly, it hurts, and even "respectful" people can lose all sense and sanity when it is all said and done. My divorce started out amicable, but as soon as the lawyers got involved (and I highly recommend using one because there is just so many details that you don't think about going into it) it turned violent and ugly and took nearly 2 years and we didn't even have a lot of "stuff" to fight over.
If he is pretty reasonable and respectful maybe you guys can do a trial seperation for a little while to give yourselves a chance to work things out and for you to finish school and get on your feet financially. You could point out the advantage to him that it will reduce his financial responsibily if you have an income.

 

[EllenFrasier]

Even though you say you don't want the divorce, get a lawyer. I'm sure he will get one and you'll need sound legal advice. Also, if you have joint bank accounts, get the money out now to pay the bills. He could decide he wants it all and he wants it now and take the money and then you'll have nothing to pay the bills with. Just my first reactions to your sad news - protect yourself and your child.

 

[labdogs42]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I know that in PA they are always looking for substitute teachers, so even if you can't find that full-time job right away, sometimes subbing is a good option. Good luck and I hope things at least go smoothly for you.

 

[Hannathy]

Take this time to make sure you know where all the assets are and how much there is, Know about retirement funds, etc. Watch the credit cards-that he isn't running up huge expenses that you will have to split. Get your car completely in shape. Get the kids physicals and up to date on all immunizations, even if they are a bit early. get dental work done.
know what is in the safe deposit box. Have an" emergency" fund in a source he can't get to in case he turns un reasonable and walks out taking all that is in the bank account and you are left on a weekend with no money. Have a credit card in just your name.

Pray for the best but prepare for the worst.

 

[secretpantssam]

 

[bumbershoot]

 

[kandemom]

Hugs to you

 

[badblackpug]

Stay in school. ...and I cannot stress enough.... GET A LAWYER!

Find an attorney that specializes in divorce ASAP.

 

[pdchris]

Stay in school. ...and I cannot stress enough.... GET A LAWYER!

Find an attorney that specializes in divorce ASAP.

I'll +1 on that advice. We were married 15 years and she wanted out (was seeing another man) I didn't feel I could afford one but as the saying goes, "you can't afford not to."

 

[zoie101]

so sorry to hear this, but get the attorney, know your rights! then deal with things later..

 

[deerhart]

yup on getting an attorney, trust me, it costs WAY WAY more for an attorney to clean up the mess, then it does to have one in the first place.

I have cleaned up messes afterwards and it cost the person 2-3x's the attorney fees that it would have cost if I had done the case from the beginning.

 

[princessfionasmom]

I am so sorry to hear what you are going thru, I can only immagine what you must be feeling. I hope that you stay in school and like the others have said, get a lawyer. I wish you the best in this tough time.

 

[sydneysmom]

My heart just goes out to you. My ex announced pretty much the same thing when I was driving home from work.....on the phone. why not just pass a post-it note instead ? Sometimes men suck. My attorney said to me "you never truly know who you are married to until you divorce them". Truer words were never spoken. The person you thought was so amicable and nice will turn on you in a heartbeat. PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILD.

But you WILL get past this and the pain you are going through WILL make you stronger. You will truly find out who you are and how wonderful you are.
A world of opportunity awaits you in the next part of your journey. When I first got divorced, I was terrified. I moved from MA to MS for this "man" (I use the term loosely) I had no family around me....they were all in MA. But I found out how strong I was. And after a long while, I met the reason why God sent me to MS in the first place....I met my DH and my beautiful step daughter. So you never really know what God has planned for you.

Have faith in yourself. The rest will come. But let yourself FEEL everything you need to feel because it will help you heal and move forward. I wish you all the love and happiness in the world. Stay strong.

and when you are feeling a little blue and a little lonely.... your Dis-friends are right here.

 

[eyor44]

I have been in your shoes. I'm sorry anyone else has to go through it. Yes, get a lawyer. It's best that way. If you really can't afford one, there are free legal counsel. I had to go this way. Or in some states the one who wants out and has the job has to pay for both lawyers.

One thing to remember. The problem is with him. Perhaps your marriage isn't perfect (really whose is?), but he is the one who wants out. Don't ever let anyone make you feel any different.

 

[Cooky]

.

 

[tommya60]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I understand you are in shock, and in tears. Listen to the posters who care and who have been there, done that. Protect yourself and your daughter.
Get a lawyer. Go look for financial documents and make copies (bank statements, credit card statements, last year's tax return). If you use an accountant, call them and let them know what's happening. Keep all those copies somewhere safe.
Take care of yourself and your daughter. Eat something healthy-ish. Try to sleep. Call a friend.
I'm so sorry.......

 

[Mrs. Charming]

Dear Friends,

My husband has announced the big "D." And I fear there is not much hope even after some counseling. He just wants his freedom after almost 14 years. I have always been going to school during our marriage. I am a semester away from my master's degree. With the current job market, I don't even know if I can get a job (teaching).

We have debt. It will be difficult to split. Our house would never sell. It is appraised below what we paid for it 10 years ago. Our 12 yr old daughter just had to have surgery and the medical bills are the largest we have ever had to include in the budget.

Since I haven't worked in 13 years, we are in more debt than we can probably handle (I just decided to go for the master's because I could not get a job with the bachelor's), and I do not want the divorce so what can I do. I will graduate in December. My plan is to get any job and pay down debt. Of course, I'm an emotional ball of tears.

Any advice appreciated. I really don't know or understand what is going to happen next. I believe that my husband will be respectful.

You need some hugs.