Chapter Five: Jedadiah's Impotent Rage
As we were getting into bed on our first night at the Lodge, I looked at the clock and thought about the last time I looked at a digital clock, 21 hours and 3 time zones ago. I knew I’d be good to go after 6 full hours of sleep, but I also knew my wife and the girls would need more sleep. And in the interest of starting the trip off on a good foot, I thought to myself, “we should sleep in. We shouldn’t start our first full day getting up early. If I was stunned by my sudden burst of flexibility, which I was, it was nothing compared to what was about to happen.
“Why don’t we sleep in?” I suggested. “We’ll hit our ADR at Kona, then either go swimming or hit the Magic Kingdom.”
My wife stared at me. Turned her head sideways, and stared some more. I imagined she was about to say, “ZZUB! I don't deserve you. You're sexy, smart, thick of hair, funny
and thoughtful.”
But she hadn’t lost complete control of her faculties. Instead she said, “I was thinking we should get up early and get into the parks before they get too crowded. That way we can leave before lunchtime.”
Which made me say, “You are So Hot!”
I had chills. They were multiplying. I felt myself losing contro-ol. It was electrifying.
But a quick glance at ZZUBY snuggled up in her bunk bed reminded me that I’d better shape up.
Still. This was a monumental development. My whole world was upside down. What this meant for the future of the ZZUBS and the Republican Party, I did not know.
We climbed into bed.
I climbed right out of bed because ZZUBY said it was too dark in the room. So I had to find a night light solution. I turned on the bathroom light and cracked the door. I climbed into bed. I climbed right back out of bed again. My wife said she was cold and needed another blanket.
ZZUB likes the A/C running cold.
I got her an extra blanket. I climbed into bed. I tossed, I turned, I shivered, I yearned.
It was too freakin cold.
And I am getting old.
To turn off the ceiling fan, I climbed back out of bed.
I thought about getting ready already, but I chose a few hours sleep instead.
I woke up about 20 minutes before our wake up call. ZZUB’s body clock automatically adjusts for time changes. Because I wanted the girls to sleep as long as possible, I unplugged the phone to prevent it from ringing. I reckon I didn’t do that as quietly as I should because my wife whispered in the cool dark, “what are you doing?” I told her and she said, “you’d better call and cancel the call, or they’re gonna come knock at our door.”
“There’s no one to call. It’s an automated deal.”
“They’re gonna come knock on our door and wake the kids up.”
”This is Disney, not the Hilton. They don’t care if you blow off your wake up call. No one is coming to the door.”
Like you can’t see where this is going. Even Dennis Kucinich can see where this is going.
I ran through my morning routine, sans shower. Brushed the teeth. Deoderized, as I wish all people would do. Slapped my contacts in my eyes. Threw on my clothes and grabbed my cap. Then I hit the balcony for some quiet time with my Bible and my Lord.
Here’s a picture of morning at the Wilderness Lodge. Frankly, it’s hard not to worship God when you wake up to this.
After I finished praying, I went back into our room to make sure my wife was up and moving. She was already in the bathroom. I was getting my watch and stuff when there came a knock at the door. I quickly ran over to get it so the kids didn’t get woken up. I was greeted by a very nice cast member wanting to make sure we were awake. I stepped out into the hall to explain that I had unplugged the phone because I was already up and didn’t want the phone to wake our children. She explained that the next time that happens, I should call and cancel the wake up call.
So you see, my wife was right about both things.
My day was ruined.
I thanked the nice lady and then went back into our room where Mrs. ZZUB was standing at the sink. Laughing at me in the mirror. I left her and the smug satisfaction that comes from being right and headed off on my first coffee walk. Down the hall, past a tray or two of unfinished room service and then into the elevator and down to Roaring Fork. It was kind of early so there weren’t a lot of people in there. In other words, I was able to fix my so-called coffee without having to wait behind anyone. And no one saw me put too much cream in it, force the lid on, and splash coffee all over the dadgum place. As usual.
Once back in our room, I hopped up on our bed, sucked back the miserable excuse for coffee which you can still taste through a boat load of cream and two Splendas.
Why no Sweet and Low?
I don’t recall the property wide ban on SnL from prior trips, but sure enough, we could not find any SnL. Which is why on our pack list for next year, right under “night light” will be the words, “pack the pink.”
If drinking bad “coffee” is a Disney Thing for us, so too is eating Pop Tarts. I love me some Tarts. I turned on the TV and surfed around for a bit while I ate. Soon enough both girls were awake and Mrs. Z and I went into man-to-man defense. We got them both ready in good time. Slathered them from head to toe and back again in two different kinds of sunscreen (because you can never trust the first one to work) and then strolllered up and headed out.
It was the fastest I’d seen my wife move since she walked in on a Number Four already in progress. That woman can move when she needs to get away from a toe curling, throat closing, nose burning smell. And apparently, on the first morning of our first full day.
We headed out to the boat dock, resisting all urges to chase furry rabbits or engage the ducks in conversation. We got to the dock just as a boat was pulling up, got on board and settled in. I turned to ZZUBY and asked her what ride she wanted to go on first.
“I think we should ride Small World while my sister is awake. I think she’ll really like it.”
I pulled her close to me and gave her a big kiss on her head. I am so proud of her. ZZUBY has been an only child for five years. For five years, it was all about her. Now she was having to share everything with her baby sister. Including Disney World. But she didn’t say, “Peter Pan” or “Dumbo” or “the Carousel” or even the PeopleMover. No, my little girl who has way more of her Mamma in her, chose the better way.
I didn’t get verklempt or anything. I’m just saying, my little girl is good people.
The boat docked at the Magic Kingdom and we split up to get through security and the turnstiles. My wife took the girls and the stroller and waited on the security line. I went on through and headed for the place to
rent a stroller. At least that’s what I thought I did. Turns out they moved the stroller rental.
I really should spend more time reading about Disney on the internet.
You might be wondering why we were renting a stroller when we already had one. Our stroller from home is for the baby, who wasn’t sitting up on her own yet. ZZUBY rode in the rental.
Once directed to the correct location, I rented the stroller for the week, got our ride and headed out.
Into the bright and blinding sun. Ah Mainstreet.
This was the walk down Mainstreet we never got last year. All of us together. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t run that around in my head for a bit. We walked side by side for a bit, my wife and I, surely vexing the people behind us who rather we’d walk in a single line. Still, for a few minutes, a couple of hundred feet or so, we walked together. In silence.
And that’s all I want to say about that.
Long about the time we hit Center Street, I pushed on ahead to get us to Small World. I was concerned about the crowds. There looked to be one person for every donut Rosie O’Donnell has eaten. In other words, it was VERY crowded. We made our way to Fantasyland and parked our strollers. As we walked to Small World, I couldn’t help but notice the line which had formed at Peter Pan.
It was 8:10 in the morning and there was already roughly 7 or 8 dozen donuts in line.
We walked onto Small World and got seated. It’s funny how Disney World is a different experience for me now. Not Alabama’s defense funny, more like ironic. Used to be when we went to Disney World, the most important thing was Space and Splash Mountain. Now, I’m riding Small World with my kids and thinking it’s the best thing imaginable.
I was holding Baby ZZUB on my lap and had my other arm around ZZUBY. My wife was working the camera. The baby seemed pretty interested in all the music and lights. ZZUBY was pretty excited to point out things to her little sister.
“Look at the Schpupin goat!”
“Look over here at the Schpupin hippos!”
All silly looking animals are Schpupin animals. Because Schpupin is the silliest dog we know. And all animals talk like the Schpup.
It’s not just that we have this strangely enmeshed relationship with our dog. It’s that we freely discuss it with people. THAT’s the disturbing part.
But you’re reading a report of someone else’s trip to Disney World, so you’re not really in a position to judge. Know what I mean?
We finally came upon the Duckbilled Schpupin Platypuses. And my daughter reflexively began to imitate them. The baby, for her part, stared longingly at their bills. Wondering whether she could gnaw on them with her gums.
After Small World, we rode Peter Pan. We also received several disapproving glances from people who know better than us. You understand we had no business taking a 6 month old to Disney World. They couldn’t even muster a smile at us or the baby.
People who don’t smile at a baby are either suffering from impaired vision or they belong to Al Qaeda. Normal people smile at babies. Especially ours. She’s got the most squishable cheeks you could imagine. How could you not smile at her?! But Mr. and Mrs. Unhappypants were superior to us. Because they were smart enough not to bring a baby to Disney World.
Judging from their disdainful glances, you’d think we were cigarette smoking, gun toting, Republican voting, SUV driving, meat eaters. Wearing a “W is for Women” pin.
Annoyed by their judgmental and completely ridiculous tsk tsking, I stared them down. People in fanny packs shouldn’t throw stones.
We got onto our pirate ship and ZZUBY said, “Daddy, make the bar come down.” Which made me smile. The moron CM standing nearby said, “Oh, it’ll come down on it’s own.” To which I said, “no it won’t. I have to tell it to come down.” Duh. And then I told it to come down. And as usual, the Schpupin bar
wistened to me.
There was no riding Pan two times in a row. The number of donuts waiting to get on looked like Rosie’s lunch and part of her early afternoon snack. So we headed to Dumbo. My wife took ZZUBY for a ride and I waited with the baby in her stroller. I looked at my watch. We still had time before the park opened and Fantasyland was filling up. I thought we’d head to Tomorrowland for Peeps and Pups. But I wasn’t sure either of those were open during EMH. I reached into my pocket for the EMH times guide. It was not there. I looked in my other pocket. Nothing. I looked in my camera bag. The stroller. The 17 other pockets on my cargo shorts. Nada. So I pushed the stroller over to the Philharmagic Dump Shop and asked one of the CMs if she had an EMH times guide.
“A what?” she asked me, obviously confused by my otherwise simple questions. It wasn't even the question. It was the way she said it. Like I had just asked her whether the pumpkin was working or not.
“The times guide that shows what rides are open during Extra Magic Hours,” I repeated. More slowly. Using smaller words and hand gestures.
“Here’s a Times Guide.”
“Yes, thank you. I have one of those. But it doesn’t show the Extra Magic Hours rides.”
“Extra Magic Hour is from 8-9 this morning.”
“Thank you, I know. I just wanted to know what rides are open.”
“Mickey’s Philharmagic is open.”
“I know that. But we were heading to Tomorrowland and wanted to know what was open there.”
“Oh. I don’t know.”
“Neither do I. That’s why I wanted the EMH Times Guide.”
“I don’t have one.”
“I know, you said that.”
“They only have those in the front of the park.”
“Thank you, “I said walking away, wishing I spent more time reading about Disney on the internet.
After my wife and ZZUBY finished on Dumbo, we decided we’d head over to Tomorrowland and take our chances. We were all feeling a little snackish by this point but didn’t want to eat too much because we were having breakfast at Kona. We were also really thirsty. We walked up to the Lunching Pad and I got in the wrong line. As usual. I have great fortune picking parking spaces but no such luck with lines. Indeed, if you’re ever in Disney World with me, get in whatever line I’m not in. It’s guaranteed to move twice as fast.
How will you know which line I’m in if you don’t know what I look like? Just look for the longest line. I’m the not quite middle aged guy, with surprisingly large guns, standing there looking annoyed. I may or may not be drinking a Yoo Hoo.
The thing with the Lunching Pad is this. There were two windows and two lines but there’s a support deal that separates them. So if you walk up from the right, as I did, then you naturally walk into the right side line. Unfortunately, the three people in line ahead of me were complete morons. You see, at that moment, there was only one person in the left side line. She moved up to the window and no one was behind her. She made her purchase and was gone. Like Dogg the Bounty Hunter’s career. If we can call it that. Which meant there were now three people in the right line and no one in the left. Yet, inexplicably, the people in line in front of me continued standing there. No one moved to the left window.
And I was trapped. The stupid support deal kept me from just stepping over there. I knew if I walked around the long way, five other people would appear as if from no where and then I’d be shut out. So I stood in line, watching the morons in front of me.
Sure enough, some unbelievably fortunate dude walked up to the left window. Like the idea just hit him, “Hmmm. I’m thirsty. I’ll go get me some waters. Oh look, no line.” He made his purchase and left. Then someone else walked up. Made a purchase and left. But we stood in line. Forever and a day. Because no one in the front of my line could marshal up the requisite grey matter to conclude they should walk to the empty window instead of just waiting their turn at our window. It was as if they had thought they could
only use the right window since they were in the right line. But it was the
wrong line!
Sometimes it feels as if the entire universe has conspired against me.
Finally, the outrageously tall dude in front of me moved up to the window and I was next. By now, the left line was just as long, so I could not avail myself of that option. But as is typical in stories like these, Tall Dude didn’t know what he wanted.
He’d had 10 minutes to consider the 7 menu items they have at the Lunching Pad.
Here’s the menu:
Pop
Frozen drinks
Water
Coffee and tea
Pretzels
Assorted chips
Turkey Legs.
That’s all she wrote.
But he wasn’t sure. So he asked some questions. He stuck his head inside their window and asked questions. I imagined he was trying to order the turkey leg well done. Then he paid with cash.
Cash!
Who pays with cash anymore?! It’s so 1995.
Completely piqued by this waste of my time, I demonstrated my displeasure by exhaling loudly.
Joe Tall Toes turned around and looked at me like “what’s your problem little dude?”
I returned fire and stared back at him as if to say, “Hey, Land Mass, why don’t you count your pennies someplace else.”
It was the first morning of the first day in Disney, so I said this only with my eyes. And, of course, the demonstrative exhale. It would be at least two more days before I really unleashed the fury.
He turned back around, picked up his food and shuffled off into a sea of people wearing tube socks.
I moved up to the window and placed my order. Unlike the people in front of me, I knew what I wanted and ordered it efficiently. I produced my Key to the World as I placed the order:
“Two bottles of water, please.”
“OK.”
“Two Snacks.”
And just like that, two bottles appeared, my card was swiped, and handed back with my receipt. And we were on our way.
To the PeopleMover! The only ride you can always get on without a wait, take a nap, take some pictures and eat some breakfast. Once seated in our car, we broke into the backpack and took out some food and now with our water, we were good to go. So to speak. We rode twice around because we could. And because the baby was nursing. The PeopleMover is good for that, too, by the way.
As we looped around, I took these shots.
And we got to see the lights on in Space Mountain. Not the best picture, but you get the point.
After the second ride, we headed over to the Puppies of Progress. Then it was time for a dipper change. Mrs. Z took the baby and headed to the bathroom and ZZUBY and I headed over to Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin. I spun, I shot, I once again failed to score more than 299,000. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. It's humiliating. It hurts my feelings.
-
Click Here For Chapter Six
BTW, Thanks! Disney with a baby is new ground for me..... taking notes.
This is my favorite part of this chapter.
