The Battle For My Wallet IV: Return of the ZZUBs (Addendum, p.85; 07/12)

[spectrum-turbo]

WL is on my list of places to stay in The World, can't wait to hear about your adventures.

 

[lonegirl]

I am so glad you're back.
The English teacher in me loves your writing voice.

I have to ask this: In a previous trip report, you made an analogy between Epcot and a middle school kid who was formerly in safety patrol in elementary school. That was so crystal clear in my mind of my years (not that I was a former safety patrol that washed up in middle school, of course) that I have to ask if you grew up in the Houston area? That analogy just bounced off the pine trees of my little suburb here....

 

[celerystalker]

I am sooo glad you are back! I was really missing your scathing comments in Mel's trip report. I was kind of worried about you and your family. It's so great that you were absent for a trip to the world!

 

[BONITATIME]

I was so pleased to see you had started a new trip report. When I read it on the

The Road to Understanding

I rushed over.

There I was all happy and reading your comments made me stop and think. We should all count our blessings even when they are few. Your Samuel is in a better place and even if you miss him he is surely happy.

I hope you had a wonderful trip and look forward to the rest of your report.

 

[samc]

In March, we said goodbye to a child we never got to hold. His name was Samuel.

Yes, we named him. I think of him often. What he will look like and what he will say to me when I meet him. I will never see Samuel in this life. Never hold him. Never teach him to catch a football. I’ll never take him to Disney World. But I know when my time here is done and I go on to my reward that my son will be waiting for me. In a better place.

Just for clarification, I’m pretty public about my faith in Jesus Christ. I’m a Christian. But that doesn’t make me perfect. I’m a flawed creature. I don’t imagine myself better than anyone else because I have received the blood of Christ, nor do I think I’m morally superior. I still sin. If I didn’t, then I wouldn’t need a Savior at all. I’d be God. But of course, I’m not God. I’m just doing my best to be obedient to Him.

.

I know these feeling well.......I've lost 2 and like yourself I take comfort in knowing I will see them someday. I don't know how anyone gets through something so painful without faith.....I don't think I could have.

BTW.......Roll Tide!!!!!

 

[Tiggerlicious]

ZZUB - this is my first reply on the DISboards. I have been secretly reading about the Happyhaunts and using my DH loggin. That is how I came upon your TR. I have enjoyed your report. Now I need to reply to the Happyhaunts (which is fun to read).

I know and feel the pain of your loss. I had a MC, then a stillborn, and then another MC. Now we have a DD who is 4 and a DS who is 18 months old. We also went to Disney after the stillbirth to "ease our pain", if you want to call it that. I also tagged along on my DH Disney golf trip with the boys after my 2nd MC. Time will heal most wounds, but you will never forget the feeling or the baby(ies). They are waiting for us somewhere and looking down on us. They give us strength and guidance, and help us make the right decisions. The experiences also taught us how to appreciate life and to value our kids. I know I am going on and on and on, but whatever....

Thanks for the TR and I look forward to more installments. I am hooked!!

 

[NewOrleansLady]

What a wonderful start! I can't wait to read more and like all the others, sorry for the heartache you are going through.

 

[Beana9802]

I know lots of you have bad things happen, and some of you reading this are thinking, “get a grip, man! Your wife had a miscarriage and you work hard. Try walking in my shoes!” And maybe you’ve been through worse things than we have. But you’re not us and although I’ve shared a great many details of what we went through, you’d be wise to consider that I didn’t report every detail and you don’t know everything. You don’t know the entire back story. You don’t know what I saw and you don’t know the decisions we had to make. Painful, difficult decisions. The questions we had to answer for our daughter. Also, pain, grief and stress affect us differently. What may be easy for you to countenance could be enormous to others. I learned long ago to be sensitive to the pain of others because no matter how much I know about the situation, I don’t know what’s going on behind the mask.

Exactly ZZub. You never never know what else is going on behind that curtain. I am so sorry for your loss. Samuel is in a great place right now, and of course you named him...he is a person. He's with my cousin Meghan. She graced us with her presence 8 years ago but for a short three minute time frame.

Thank you for sharing this with us. I can't wait to hear about your trip. I think your daughter needed it too. You are an amazing writer.

 

[Dreamer & Wisher]

You don't have to visit Disboards for very long before you read about Zzub's trip reports. So even though I haven't been here very long I knew I wanted to read your new report as soon as I saw it .

What can I say? It hit me in the heart. DH and I too suffered a miscarriage this year. We lost ours in June. I wasn't far along enough to know if it was a girl or a boy. It must be very hard to lose one at that point and I wish to express my condolences to your and your wife and your DD.

Looking forward to reading some more.

 

[Kimberly815]

The first trip report I ever read-was yours! I can't wait for more of this one!!

 

[pongoperdigirl]

Welcome Back Z

Missed ya.

I love your beginning, and I can't wait to read along as it unfolds.

Made Props for ya

Very well written and very emotional.
Thanks for sharing Zzub.

 

[Pollito916]

Yeah!!! A new TR from ZZUB!!!

 

[WDW Poly Princess]

HOORAY for a new trip report from you! I need something interresting to read at work!

Sounds like this trip couldn't have come at a better time for you- it is amazing how theraputic vacation can be!

 

[MomofCKJ]

Looking forward to your report, have really enjoyed your previous ones. A wonderful start with this one. I am sorry for your loss. It was 5 years ago today that I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. Rocked my world like nothing else. Even 5 years later I cried earlier today. I did go on to have a wonderful son and I can't imagine life without him. Still I often wonder about her. We named her too, even though we didn't know officially if she was a she or not. Just a gut feeling.

Anyway, looking forward to the rest of your report.

Allyson

 

[Shelby5514]

Dustin' off the DMVC I see...can't wait for the refills! They are FREE right?

 

[New England Eeyore]

So glad to see you back, ZZUB. I hope this trip was as relaxing as you needed it to be.

Thank you for sharing yourself with us. It does take a lot of courage to expose some of your darkest hours to virtual strangers, but I think you know this is a safe place for you. You have your Maelstrom crew but beyond them you're pretty beloved by all of the DIS. I don't think there's a single one of us who has read any of your trip reports who hasn't been entertained, moved or inspired. You truly have a way with words.

I have told you this before but I see so much of my Dad and me in your relationship with your daughter. In 16 days my Dad and I will return to WDW for our 2nd annual Father-Daughter trip. I have printed out your first 3 trip reports for him to read on the plane.

So can we expect this trip report to take 6-7 months like the last one?

 

[ZZUB]

Chapter Two: The End of our Discontent

In the middle of July, when our vacation was still more than a month away, my wife was craving meat. Red meat. My wife is not a vegetarian, not that there’s anything wrong with that. But if given a choice between a salad and a steak, she’d choose the greens. So her craving for meat was unusual. She was also tired. Wiped out. And a little ragey.

In other words, she was pregnant.

Our optimism and overwhelming joy was tempered by what happened in March. We just didn’t know what to expect of this pregnancy. So we didn’t tell anyone at first. We just talked to God and asked Him to protect the baby and to give us courage to trust Him as we waited. As the days wore on we told a few people and asked them to pray for us. We also decided we needed to tell our daughter. My daughter has a huge heart, like her mamma, and like her mamma, she’s not stupid. We realized that soon enough our daughter would pick up on the changes in our home and changes in her Mamma.

When we lost Samuel, she handled that news pretty well. As well as an almost-four year old can handle such news. We explained to her that Samuel had gone to live with the Lord and although we wouldn’t see him for a while, we would eventually get to see him when we go to Heaven, too. She had a few questions about that. She wanted to know whether he hurts. We told her he didn't. She wanted to know whether God had toys for him in Heaven because she had a lot of toys for him here. We told her Heaven was a perfect place and we were sure Samuel had everything he needed.

So one evening, after she’d been running through the sprinklers, we sat with her on the front porch and told her we were going to have a baby.

“But I thought you said the baby went to Heaven?” she asked.
“That baby did go to Heaven. This is a different baby,” my wife explained.
“Oh.” My daughter said. “That’s good. Will I get to hold it?”
We told her that we hoped she would.

And then she went and ran some more through the sprinks.

Because my daughter is pretty resilient and likes to abbreviate words.

July turned into August and my wife experienced all of the usual symptoms of pregnancy. She was nauseous. A lot. She was tired. A lot. She craved red meat. And chips and salsa. And cottage cheese and pineapple. And gummy peaches. And a Whopper with extra pickles. By mid-August she was even starting to show a little. Everything appeared to be fine and we actually allowed ourselves to breathe a little easier.

Until that day, that lousy day late in August, just before we left on our much-needed vacation. My wife was 9 weeks pregnant and had a routine check up scheduled with her doctor. Because it was only a routine check up and I was covered up at work, I didn’t plan to go with her. I actually had a mediation on my calendar that day. I told her to call me if anything good or bad happened.

I knew what time her appointment was and I prayed for her as it started. Almost two hours after her appointment time, she called me and asked if I could talk. I didn’t sense panic in her voice, but I knew something happened. I excused myself from the mediation and stepped down the hall into an empty court room.

Once I was alone, I asked what happened. She told me that the doctor tried to find the baby’s heart beat.

But there was no heart beat.

It was happening again.

I wondered why her doctor was checking for a heartbeat at 9 weeks. Even I know you shouldn’t be able to hear the heartbeat until after 10 weeks. I asked my wife why he was even trying to listen to it so soon. She said, “I don’t know. He said sometimes you can hear the heartbeat earlier.”

He was wrong.

When he realized his ill-advised decision caused my wife some significant concern, he told her that he wasn’t worried because it was still early. He told her to come back a week later and if he still couldn’t find a heartbeat, then he’d schedule an ultrasound.

I was literally bouncing off the walls in the courtroom I was hiding out in.

“We’re not waiting a week!” I nearly shouted. “We’re not going through that again.” I knew enough to know that the baby’s heart starts beating at around 6 weeks and can be detected on an ultrasound at about that point. There was no reason to wait until the following week, let the doctor try to find a heartbeat and if he couldn’t find one then schedule an ultrasound. We talked over our options and we agreed to call his office and tell them we want the ultrasound scheduled as soon as possible. We didn’t want to wait any longer. If something was wrong, we wanted to know immediately. If everything was fine, we wanted to know that yesterday. But when could I get free? Standing in an unused courtroom, without my Palm available, I ran down my calendar in my head. It was Monday. I had an all-day trial set for Wednesday and another set for Thursday. I knew I had witnesses to prepare on Tuesday. Friday morning was the only open time I had.

But I told her to get the first available date and I would clear whatever I had to clear to be there.

I asked her again if she was ok and told her I loved her.

Then I hung up my cell phone and walked back into the mediation with my game face on.

Later that night, with my daughter safely out of earshot, my wife and I sat and talked about the news we’d received that day. We didn’t tell my daughter what was going on because at that moment we really didn’t know what was going on. She knew Mommy was expecting again and she knew Mommy went to the doctor that day. She didn’t need to know any more just yet.

The few people we told did their best to try to comfort us, but we couldn’t be comforted. We’d heard all of this before. The last time. It didn’t matter that she was still feeling nauseous and tired. It didn’t matter that she wasn’t bleeding or cramping. That was true the last time. And we still lost Samuel.

We did the only thing you can do when you’re forced to wait for a future you’re not sure you want. When you won’t allow yourself the indulgence of hope because you’ve known too much disappointment. We prayed. We didn’t just pray for the baby to be ok, we prayed that God would make us ok, that He would give us strength to get through this week. We prayed for a peace that would surpass understanding.

I went to work the next day. I had to. We were supposed to leave on vacation the following week. I had to get into my office. I had cases to prepare for, witnesses to meet with. Files to read. Stuff. As Tuesday morning pressed on, my calendar for the week began to clear. My Wednesday trial got dismissed and my Thursday trial got postponed. My week was now wide open. Frankly, I accounted that a minor miracle. My wife got the ultrasound scheduled for Thursday morning.

The summer of our discontent relentlessly pressed on.

Each night, my daughter and I would mark off another day on our countdown calendar but as we inched closer to our trip, I didn’t know if we were still going. We were only a week away from our departure. If the baby is gone and my wife needed to have another D&C, there was no way we could leave and travel to Florida. My wife, for her part, was insistent that we were still going on this trip. I just didn’t know. Plus, I was now worried about how much work I was going to miss. I had carefully budgeted out my time to make sure all my work was done before I was gone for two weeks. Now I was looking at a morning here, an afternoon there; two whole days I had planned to work were potentially taken away.

I really thought I was going to have to postpone our trip. Leave 4 or 5 days later. Cut short the time we spend with my sister and my family.

By the time Thursday morning arrived, it seemed all but certain to us that the baby was gone. We just didn’t have any reason to believe the baby was still alive. Too many things had happened that were too similar to the last time. As we drove out to have the ultrasound done, I told my wife that if what we thought was happening happened, we would go see a specialist before we tried again. I don’t know if that made her feel any better, but it made me feel like I was doing something. I felt like we had a plan. Something.

You may be wondering, “what of their faith? I thought these people believed in God?!” We do. But believing in God doesn’t mean bad things won’t happen to you. Indeed, no one disputes the faith of the apostles and yet each of them suffered terribly. We understand that bad things happen, even though God loves us. It’s the nature of the world we live in. We will all suffer at one time or another. Sometimes, God chooses to intervene and protect us. Other times, He does not. It doesn’t mean He stopped loving us or forgot about us. Simply put, there are times when the answer to our prayers, is “no.” We understand that. And as we drove to the ultrasound, we thought He had told us, “no, I won’t spare this baby’s life.”

If you’ve never had an ultrasound or been with your wife when she did, you may not know that they tell the mother to fill and not empty her bladder before the test. Evidently, the full bladder helps them visualize certain things. I don’t know what in specific because I’ve never asked.

Our appointment was at 9:00 and because my wife is dutiful, her bladder was quite full. Because I’m me, my bladder was quite empty. Twice, in fact.

We sat in the waiting room having a rather mundane conversation the way you do when you’re nervous and trying not to be. Have you worn your new sneakers yet? That new honey mustard salad dressing is really good. How many bathing suits do you have? How many are you packing? Why would a woman need more than one bathing suit?

Even then it felt surreal. At 9:30, after watching my wife continue to squirm, I was about to go all ZZUB on the receptionist. I inquired what the hold up was. She told me they had taken an emergency in ahead of us and it would be any minute.

Fifteen minutes later, we were taken back into one of the small ultrasound rooms. The technician told my wife to hop up on the gurney and she would go ahead and do the abdominal part first so that she could empty her bladder.

We understood that at 9 weeks +5 days, we would most likely not be able to see the baby abdominally. They would have to use another process to visualize the baby. As my wife got herself situated and the technician prepared her equipment, I observed we were in the same room 5 months ago when we got the devastating news that our baby was gone.

But this was not that day.

The technician started moving the ultrasound wand around and almost immediately we could see the baby.

And his heart was beating!

Blood was clearly coursing through his tiny heart. And he was jumping around inside.

I pointed at the screen, and I think I yelled, “There he is! His heart is beating!” The technician said, “we’re not supposed to give you any diagnosis, but if you figure it out on your own, we can confirm it for you.” She also told us that she could tell we were nervous and she thought if she could show us the baby as quickly as possible, we’d appreciate it.

She was right.

I’m convinced God put her in our room that day. She was the most proficient of the many ultrasound technicians we’ve dealt with this year.

And so the summer of our discontent ended not on August 30th, the day we boarded a flight for Florida, but on August 24th, exactly five months to the day after we lost Samuel.

Exactly seven months to the day before his baby brother or sister is due.


Click Here For Chapter Three

 

[New England Eeyore]

Oh, ZZUB, Congratulations!!

 

[TwinkieMama]

Ok I wasn't going to post again. Didn't want to be a stalker.

But now I am crying. For real.


And willing to eat chips and salsa in empathy with your wife.

 

[labdogs42]

What a beautiful installment! I'm so happy for you, Mrs. Zzub, and your DD! Congratulations on the pregnancy -- you will be in my prayers.

Feel free to take your time with your installments because I'll be at Disney for the next week and I don't want to have too much to catch up on when I get back!!