That obligatory gift!

[Merandab4]

You know the one, that person that you HAVE to buy for.

I have this friend, and we have been friends since middle school. Every year we exchange gifts. I had thought when she got married that the gift exchange would stop, but it didn't. I thought when she had children of her own it would stop, but it didn't. I thought when I got married it would stop, but it didn't. Now that we both have our own families and DH's families to buy for I didn't think we shouldn't have to go through the added expense to buy gifts for eachother, but the exchange still goes on! We have never talked about it, it was just something that we did. She always gets me the nicest things, and I always stress out what to get her. I would very much like it if we would not exchange gifts, or even do something small like my mother does with the neighbors, like maybe a nice candle, or a bag of treats with a nice ornament. Something small but thoughtful. In years past she has bought me,
a Bag from Lands End, a leather purse (that she knew I really wanted) from the gap, an embrodiered blanket from Woolrich (with a yellow lab on it), a set of crystal serving platters, ...etc.
Shopping for her seems like a chore sometimes because I know she is going to get this nice gift for me and I have no clue what to get her. She really has no hobbies. She works all the time. She has very sensetive skin and only buys products from her MIL who sells Mary Kay. I don't want to give a gift card, because I don't want her to know the specific amount of the gift, (what if its not enough, what if its too much.. ya know what I mean)

okay, I feel so guilty for writing this. I should be so lucky to have a friend that cares enough to get me such nice gifts, right!
Any suggestions? BTW I don't want to come right out and tell her I don't want to exchange gifts with her.

 

[zalansky]

Why don't you suggest going out to dinner to celebrate the holidays instead, just the 2 of you? Do you live near each other? You can say that with all the gifts you both have to buy and so little time to do it you thought it would be nice to go out and have dinner instead. I am doing this with 3 of my girlfriends this year, it was my suggestion and they all went for it and seemed as excited about it as me. Plus, I get to have a night out with the girls which will be fun.

Other than that, you could gently tell her maybe that you don't want to exchange. My best friend and I decided that many moons ago, she lives in NY and I am in FL and with all the people we have to buy for we flat out said lets' not buy for each other anymore.

Good luck whatever you decide to do...and happy holidays!

 

[shades]

Any suggestions? BTW I don't want to come right out and tell her I don't want to exchange gifts with her.

Can you suggest limiting the $$ for the gift? You are very lucky to have such a good friend that pays attention to you and buys you things she knows you will like. However, since she is such a good friend - wouldn't she understand if you told her you can't afford to keep up with her gifts?

 

[wdwdclfan]

I know how you feel. I did it this year after many years of exchanging. The topic came up about Christmas and I just said "I think we should stop giving this year, there is so much going on this time of year with so many gifts to get, lets make it one less this year" She said " are you sure?". That was it. I think she was also happy to knock one gift off her list too.
A good friend will under stand.

 

[jennifer293]

HMMMM that one is a hard one to do. I mean after all these years of exchanging you can't just up and quit now. Maybe you can tell her that you want to start a new tradition and maybe each of you go and pick the other out a nice Hallmark ornament with the date on it so you know which year you got it.

Not only is it a nice reminder of her it will also fill your tree over the years.

(Not the same situation) but MIL has been buying us ornaments since we got married and now she has added 2 for each of the DD's and my tree is so full I have to display them on the mantle.


Or maybe you can say hey instead of us spending money on gifts how about you come come over one night and we spend the night making Christmas goodies. Tell her that spending time with her is more valuable to you than a gift anyway...

Good Luck!! Lucky for me all my friends are too broke to think about me..LOL

 

[mom23boys]

A few years ago me and my two Best Friends decided not to exchange anymore. We are all married and have so much to buy.

We now go out the week before for the day to shop and go out to a nice dinner. Maybe you could suggest that. I also like the ornament idea. Or how about donating money in both of your names to a charity. One year you pick and the other year she picks.

 

[Carolinagirl1063]

My two best friends since grade school and I are not exchanging this year. We decided to go out for dinner without the kids and spend quality time together which is dearer to our hearts at this point in our lives.

 

[ceecee]

That's a hard one. I think the Christmas shopping/dinner sounds good. My friend & I did that as well only when she had kids I started to buy for them as well. She ended up with 5 kids to my 1 and it was too expensive!!! Unfortunately, I shared this with a girl I worked with whose daughter and my friends daughter danced at the same studio and she told my friend how stressed I felt about it (her own sister and her exchanged names for years and she said it was because her sister was cheap!). Well long story short she hasn't spoken to me for 3 years, when I called her and tried to explain she said I was jealous that she had more kids, etc. I tried to explain the cost factor 6 kids vs 1 (by the way she always got my DD budget gifts, not nicer ones) she said well, obviously you are having financial problems and you shouldn't take it out on my kids because they are older and like more expensive things now. I'm sure your friend is a better one than mine turned out to be! I would understand completely.

 

[LoveWDW]

Your friend may feel the same way you do. It is time to say that it is great being friends but it's time to stop the gift exchange.

 

[ceecee]

That's a hard one. I think the Christmas shopping/dinner sounds good. My friend & I exchanged gifts as well, only when she had kids I started to buy for them as well. She ended up with 6 kids to my 1 and it was too expensive as they got older!!! Unfortunately, I shared this with a girl I worked with whose daughter and my friend's daughter danced at the same studio and she told my friend how stressed I felt about it (her own sister and her exchanged names for years and she said it was because her sister was cheap!). Well long story short she hasn't spoken to me for 3 years, when I called her and tried to explain she said I was jealous that she had more kids, etc. I tried to explain the cost factor 6 kids vs 1 (by the way she always got my DD budget gifts, not nicer ones) she said well, obviously you are having financial problems and you shouldn't take it out on my kids because they are older and like more expensive things now. I'm sure your friend is a better one than mine turned out to be! I would understand completely

 

[solgent]

Not sure if you are asking for suggestions on what to give her or what to do about the situation?

My advice is, give her something nice that you want to give her. DO NOT worry about how much she spends on you. That is her business. Give her something thoughtful, as you said. That is what giving is about. Not comparisons between what you give to her, what she gives to you, what she gives to others and what you give to others.

Gift suggestions: earrings, a book you enjoyed reading + Starbucks gift card, candles + candle holder, a magazine subscription, some very nice coffee or jam or chocolates.

 

[PlaneJoy1]

You said that she can only use Mary Kay. Maybe you could look on the website and see if they have something nice that your friend would like. They usually have some nice sets for Christmas. If you don't know a Mary Kay rep, the website has a finder or look in a phone book.

Good luck!

 

[~Kathie]

There are about 10 of us all good friends that used to exchange gifts with each other. Now we have a "girls Christmas dinner" instead. We take turns every year at each other's housesand everyone has their food assignments. It's a wonderful evening with friends. No husbands, no children, no judgements.

Sort of too late to suggest dinner out just the 2 of you for this year. She may have already bought a gift for you. A good gift is a Yankee Candle gift set. I was there yesterday and they have some wonderful gift sets and lot to choose from. They had tart warmers for all year not just the holidays, electric candle warmers. Lots of things. They'll even make up a gift basket for you. Ask them for help........the staff at the store I go to are wonderful.

If you sign up for Bath & Body works emails.....they'll send you coupons by email and in the mail. Same with Yankee Candle.

Good luck and Merry Christmas.

 

[Merandab4]

Okay, first of all, you all are so great. Thanks for the suggestions!
Let me explain the situation a little more.
The reason that I am having such a hard time with this is this.......
Sometimes I feel that we are REMAIN friends because we have Been friends for so long. At this point in our lives we really have nothing in common.
When she calls me on the phone, there is literally silence for like 2 minutes strait. I try to make small talk just so we can talk about SOMETHING. I mean she called me, shouldn't she have something to say. (Maybe thats why she knows me so well, because I do all the talking...lol) But really, I try to make conversation with her and see whats going on in her life, but she just gives very curt answers. We don't hang out much because her children are so unruley, which brings up another point. I don't buy for her daughter because thats a tradition I did not want to start. I have another friend (I'll call her friend #2) whos children I bought for for years, and when my other friends children came along, I stopped buying for All the children. I just couldn't keep up with buying for five kids that are not my own when I have nephews to buy for too. Anyway friend #2 understands ans is fine. I just don't know if friend #1 ever feels slighted because I never buy her kids anything, but the gift she gives me is always from her whole family.

Okay, so see why I am having a hard time with this...lol?
I should be able to go into a store and be like .."oooo, "Suzi" would just love this"! Now on the other hand I do feel like "ooo, Suzi's husband would like that. Since he is the decorator, cook, scrapper, child caregiver, in the family, but I have always just bought a gift that was for HER, not a family thing. I don't want to start that yet!

BTW- yes she uses Marykay, but anything she wants her MIL can get her for practically nothing with her discount.

I do like the candle idea. she (or her husband rather) always has candles sitting around!

 

[SleepyatDVC]

It may be too late for this year but when she give you her gift to you, thank her and say that she realy shouldn't have to keep getting you gifts but if she still wants to maybe you 2 could just start exchanging Christmas tree ornaments next year?

That's an easy gift to buy and receive. No more agonizing over what to get. You would certainly use it. You will think of each other every year when you are setting up your trees. Since that's the kind of friendship it has evolved into anyways.

Good luck.