That darned chocolate milk!

[JerseyJanice]

When my son came home from school yesterday, he was sobbing. Seems that he accidentially-on-purpose threw the chocolate milk from his school lunch on walkway of a neighbor's home. It burst open, and he felt very bad about it.

I told him we would apologize to the mother of the house when she got home from work and offer to clean it up. He wouldn't go out to play, though, because he was afraid the father there would yell at him.

We went down the block around the time she comes home, but the house was all dark, so I guess they did something last night.

Despite my assuring my son that it wasn't a big deal, he fussed about it all night and woke up crying about it this morning.

So we left for the schoolyard early to find the neighbor and make our apology.

I'm friendly with her anyway, and of course, she was very gracious and told him not to worry about it, but still, he kept crying.

Then he said, "I'm really crying about Lori. I want my cousin back."



I don't know why I didn't think losing her wouldn't affect him much. I didn't think he understood what death meant enough to mourn her.

I held him there in the schoolyard and cried with him for a while. I sent him into school with his class when the bell rang. I didn't know what else to do.

He was sick last week and missed two days then. I need to go into work today because I've hardly been there myself over the last two weeks.

Oh my poor baby! I hope he's O.K. (I'm not myself.)

 

[crcormier]

 

[lilallybean]

It is so hard on us when our lil ones are sad...all you can do is keep letting him vent his thoughts, feelings, and concerns.

 

[piglet too]

Is it possible for him to talk to someone at scool about his loss? I know when my oldest DS saw our neighbor have a heart attack and die, it really helped him to go talk to someone who was removed from it all.

 

[browneyes]

 

[Blondie]

I wish I could tell you that missing her will get easier, but it won't, not for a good while. There will be songs that you'll hear on the radio that will remind you of her, there will be photos that you'll find that you hadn't seen in years that you'll come across, etc. It's going to be a while before you can think of Lori and not get teary eyed. My SIL and BIL still have a hard time and it was June 2003 that Sean died. She get's especially upset when she dreams about him. Now the holidays are here again, and everyone will be thinking about Sean because he loved Thanksgiving.

Sometimes we don't realize just how much children can grieve, and what their reactions will be. It's different seeing it through the eyes of a child.

 

[JerseyJanice]

I called the school secretary because I was worried about him crying in class.

She didn't hear anything, but said the school psychologist was in this morning and thought it would be a good idea for them to have an informal talk. I agreed, and they will. The psychologist will call me afterward and tell me about their discussion, and I guess suggest some things we can do to help.

Both my husband and mother-in-law were adamant that DS not attend any of Lori's services. I had mixed feelings. I didn't want him to attend the wake because I thought seeing her in the casket would be too upsetting. Yet, I thought the funeral Mass would be O.K. for him.

I was outvoted by DH and MIL, and he stayed with her all weekend.

Now I wonder if I did the right thing going along with them. MIL said it's tough enough for adults to handle this kind of thing, so it'd be brutal for a child.

I see her point, but now I wonder if he should have had the chance to say good-bye to his cousin.

I'll talk to the psychologist about maybe visiting her grave.

Lori just adored him, but because of her health, had trouble playing actively with him. He is a very active boy! Yet, they spent a lot of time together. I took her on a vacation to the country in July 2002 where it was just the three of us, and those two walked in the woods together for hours.

My poor baby.

 

[Blondie]

My then 8 y.o. niece attended Sean's funeral, going against everyone else's better judgement, and she took it so hard she had to be removed from the services. I think it was a good idea to have your son stay with relatives.

I would take him to the cemetary when you think the time is right, maybe have him bring a little momento to place at the grave site. Let him pick it out, could be a flower, balloon, something he has chosen.

 

[BWVDenise]

 

[EsmeraldaX]

 

[Buckalew11]

Hugs, Janice. I am so sorry. Death affects us all differently and different at different times of our lives also. Think of the chocolate milk thing as a good thing-it allowed him to open up to you in a way he didn't know how to do otherwise. It will be good for him to be able to have his feelings heard. She's gone from his life and he has to process that somehow. It may be ways different than you, as an adult, think.

Death was always a mystery to me growing up. We were always sheltered from it. I have always taken DD with me to a funeral home to sign the book since she was a baby. She hasn't been to many services but she has expressed her fellings and thoughts about death in many different ways. It all paid off when Keith's dad died. She grieved but it wasn't such a mystery to her.
But every child is different. Don't doubt your family's decision. I like Kathy's idea of allowing your son to say goodbye in his own way.

Many more hugs to you. I can't relate but my heart aches for you.

 

[JerseyJanice]

I heard back from the school psychologist.

He was very impressed with my son's understanding of the situation and his ability to verbalize it. Said my child is very mature and intelligent.

The biggest concern the little one has is me--I am crying all the time, and he's worried about that. So the psychologist told him that was because it was all so fresh and new. That eventually I would stop crying and be able to talk about Lori and enjoy our memories of her.

I expressed my concern about DS not having closure with his cousin because he didn't attended any of the services. I asked about bringing him to the grave, and the psychologist said it would be fine except that I should be prepared to answer a lot of questions.

He said that as long as I didn't observe any ongoing changes in his behavior or appetite or sleeping pattern, I shouldn't worry about him.

You know, I was so wrapped up in my grief that it never occurred to me that it was why DS was carrying on so much over the chocolate milk. I feel so bad because at one point last night he was bugging me so much, I told him that spilled chocolate milk meant absolutely nothing compared to losing Lori.

 

[piglet too]

I am glad that the psychologist saw him today. It is amazing how someone removed from the situation can help us see what is going on. Try not to feel guilty for anything you have done or may do. As hard as it is, this is an important lesson in life for all. Many hugs to you.

 

[Lynn CC]

{HUGS} to the two of you. Your story has me all choked up

 

[QJ411]

I don't know what to say.

But I do agree w/ Buckalew11, the chocolate milk incident brought out the feelings he had brewing inside.

My cousin passed away in 2001 and it was so hard on all of us, especially for his niece and nephew who was very young (5 and 12). The kids mom had them write letters to their uncle about how they felt and how much they loved him and their mom would put it in his coffin at the wake. (the kids didn't attend).

I sometimes write letters to him as well about how much I miss him and I plant the letters in my garden under a bulb or I'll add a new small plant.

Perhaps you can ask you DS to write Lori a letter and you guys can bring it to the grave site. (But maybe you should wait and make sure the grave site is finished-when DH and I went to the gravesite, it wasn't finished yet and they only had a small temp. placque there instead of the stone and I broke down.)

I'm sorry, this is just mho, hugs to you and your DS.

 

[sha_lyn]

for both of you

I think with many of us (adults and kids) we often let the little stuff (such as the milk) be the focus of our emotions because it is easier than letting the "big" emotions out.


As for kids at funerals, I strongly feel that as long as it is handled right, kids should go to viewings and or funerals. My children have lost several relatives over the yrs. the first was DH's mom when DS was 4. We didn't force anything on him, and he stayed away from the casket until right before the funeral. He went up with all his cousins. DS is 15 now and has actually been a pallbearer 2 times. OTOH my cousin had never been to a funeral or viewing until our grandmother died a few yrs ago. My cousin was around 34 I guess. She was really freaked out the whole thing. I don't think she ever got close to the casket.

 

[jan/cape]

My brother in law passed away very suddenly last February. Both of my daughter had spent the same day with him.
My 17 year old was so emotional that she was very unsure about attending the wake. She said she wanted to remember Uncle Dennis the way she had always seen him. She didn't want her last image of him to be in a coffin!! But she decided to go.
I was mostly concerned about my 11 year old who gets nausous , dizzy, and wants to faint at the thought of anything that involves the body. Health stuff just grosses her out!!!.
Well, I took the girls to the funeral home early so if they fell apart it would be just family members there and I would take them and my neices out early.
Well, 17 year old was able to go into the foyer, but when it came time to go into the room with the casket, she literally put on the brakes (like a puppy going into a vet's office.........no we didn't make her go in). She doubled over and started sobbing.poor baby. She did enter threw the back of the room .backed in and sat with her back to Uncle Dennis.

Sister in law didn't miss a beat ,so I could be with the 17 year old, put her arm around 11 year old's shoulder and together they approached the casket and said their prayers...no fainting, dizzyness, nausea. I literally watched her turn into a young lady before my eyes at that very moment.
We left 20 minutes later.
17 yr. old didn't attend the funeral the next day she went with her school to a see Shakespere production in Boston.
Sometimes kids surprise you about what they can or can not handle.

 

[Dan Murphy]

for you and your boy, Janice.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

 

[Freyja]

Thinking of you. Make sure that he feels he can talk to you about her at all times and eventually time will mend the wounds. Take his grieving seriously and make sure he knows that it's normal to be feeling this way and that it means that he loved her very much.