Thank you notes

[shamrock30]

I never receive a call or note from some of my nieces and nephews or their parents when I send them a gift in the mail. I finally have to call my mother, who lives in the same house, to see if they ever got them.

Both my brothers are out of work and living at home. They are in their 40's. My husband and I were taught to send thank you notes after job interviews when we were in college, and I know all of the job hunting books still say to send one. When I mentioned this to my mother, she said, "I don't care what ___ does. (Insert my husband's name.) Men don't send thank you notes!" So I guess it isn't just the younger generation.

 

[imLissy]

I'm 24 and I just finished sending out 100 or so thank you cards for our wedding. It took me about three weeks to write all of them and then another three to send them out, frelling snow, plus about $50 in postage. THIS is why I'm angry if I don't get a thank you card. If I did it, you have to too! lol. Also we never got a thank you card for my brother-in-law's wedding, and I hate the fact that we're making them look bad. Actually, we never got our wedding gift from them either. They bought us one, and it's actually something I need really badly, and I don't know how to go about getting it from them without being rude. I almost thing I should just buy another one.

Anyway...

I think it's important to send a thank you card as a way to show the person you did in fact get the gift. We have a gift sitting in our apartment and I have no idea who it's from. Either there was no card or it fell off. We asked around, but no one's claimed it so far.
I really hope this person approaches me and says, hey, I didn't get a thank you, what gives??

I don't think thank you cards should be necessary if you thank the person in person or on the phone. Why does it have to be hand written? I'd much rather get a call from someone telling me they loved the gift rather than an impersonal thank you note. I realize it's hard to call up 100 people, especially if you don't have their number, but I'm just saying, it should be an acceptable alternative if that's what someone wants to do.

 

[nashville_minnie]

Agreed that the absence of a thank you note appears to indicate that the receiver of the present does not appreciate the present, or even worse, feels somehow entitled. If they have better things to do than to send thank you notes, I have better things to do than send presents.

When it comes to wedding, baby showers, etc, I completely agree with this. Unfortunately, a few times I have spent quite a bit of cash on a gift from someone's registry & not received a thank you note in the mail. It makes me feel like they felt like I owed them a gift & that by shopping for it, paying for it, wrapping it, and bringing it to their event, I was merely "doing my job". Not to mention me taking time out of my life to attend their event. It really takes the JOY out of giving for me.

Thank you notes are such a simple and very personal way to show gratitude.

 

[Maddie2]

I completely agree that thank you notes are something that you learn. We have our kids write them for gifts - whether the gift-giver is present for the gift-opening or not - and we also write thank yous.

But, here's what gets me -- MIL vent - in years past MIL has complained when she hasn't received a TY note from the kids within a week of a holiday -- HOWEVER, in my 20 years of being part of her family, we have NEVER received a TY from her. So what does that say? I have trained DH to ask if our packages have arrived in the mail, so I KNOW they get them. Do they just not like them? .... but I know they must, because I hear through the SIL grapevine that she usually likes what we give them better than what the other DIL's choose.

Perhaps for Mother's Day, we'll give her a gift basket of notecards, pretty pens, and THANK YOU NOTES!

Uffda, ya can't win for losin' with some people!

So then, how did her son turn out so good??

 

[JandJ]

I was raised by a mom who always sent a TY note and made us write them too. I take pride in the fact that I am good about writing notes of thanks quickly and I really appreciate it when I get a nice TY note, too. I wrote our wedding TY notes on our honeymoon, and as gifts arrived from family and friends after the wedding (we had a very small wedding) I sent notes the day I opened the gift. I was in a wedding in 2007 and still have not received a note of thanks for being MOH or for our generous gift and that really bugs me. If I send a gift, I expect a note, or at the very least an e-mail or phone call. When I don't expect one, such as after a dinner party or if I Notarize something for a friend, and do get one, I just smile because it's such a nice gesture for someone to take the time and write a note. As a PP said, it's a simple and personal way to show gratitude, and hopefully that is not becoming a lost art.

 

[Swimalie]

Here's one for you. My husband's former co-worker got married in a state far away from us so instead of a gift, we sent a gift card. It was for a good amount, but the amount doesn't matter, it was the principle. We never got a thank you and yet they are now divorced. So the marriage has come and gone with no thank you note from the wedding. Nice- not!

 

[kayla87]

It's interesting to hear how many different opinions people have!

We never wrote thank you notes growing up, but I started doing them the past few years. After Christmas I always sit down and write notes to all the family we visited to say how great it was to see them, etc whether we exchanged gifts or not. I do it because I may only see someone once a year, and I want them to know I appreciate time with them, AND I think it's nice to get real mail every once in a while I know one of my in-laws in particular loves them, but I think my own family sees them as kind of foreign and strange since it's not something we ever did in the past.

I've never taken notice of whether or not we get thank you notes. I can only think of one recent instance, when we gave a family member some furniture. We probably get a lot more email thank yous for anything we do that might entail a note.

 

[kt_mom]

We don't do thank you notes for kids birthday parties or family birthday/christmas presents. Sometimes we get them from other kids but more often we don't and I don't mind at all.

But for events such as showers or weddings I think they should be done and I don't think the guests should be asked to fill out the envelopes. The thank you notes are a simple way that the reciever can show some gratitude for the gifts given. They have basically "asked" for the gifts by registering, the least they can do is to send a written thank you acknowledging the time, money and effort the giver put into it.

The last baby shower I threw the mother to be did not send out thank you cards as far as I can tell and my thank you for helping to throw the shower was given by text message. I had not given her my gift yet as it was a blanket that my mom was knitting for her and she wasn't quite done yet. I decided not to give it to her after that. I had already spent well over $150 on the shower and the thank you I received was via text message.

 

[BuzzPrincessMom]

My Mom always made me write thank yous. I have kept it up since I left the house. Some think I am funny that I send Thank yous but I want people to know I appreciate their thoughtfulness.

I have 8 yo twins and I have them write thank yous. Sometimes it is painful, and sometimes it is a chore for me to remind them to do it. However I know it is a skill that is important.

DD is a Brownie and she creates Thank yous for the people who buy cookies, just something small note that says thank you for buying cookies.

I think we need to thank people more often.

I just find it hard to answer DD and DS why they need to write thank you when they don't know anyone else who does.

Thank yous are a lost art

 

[branv]

I wasn't raised to send Thank You notes, but because I don't live in a vacuum I learned that this is the polite thing to do. People make a choice to care or not care about making an effort, that's what it comes down to.

For what it's worth, I am a little wound up on this front. My sister complains nonstop about how her spouse/our parents/(fill in the blank) puts no thoughts into gifts to her. She also complains bitterly when anyone gives her or her children a gift card. So despite living long distance from her, last three bdays went all over the place to build special packages for her bdays, to make up for what she felt she was lacking from others. Not ONCE has she ever even called to thank me for this. We'll talk, but I have to ask if she received it eventually, and I get just a "yes." And what does she send me...gift certificates. Plus, not once has she had my nephew/nieces send thank you for the long distance gifts let alone a phone call letting me know it's arrived. So now, I don't even bother. She gets a gift card, nieces get some cash in a card, and when my nephew turned 20 and old enough to know better that it was wrong to not even call with an acknowledgement, I stopped sending him anything all together. Since it obviously meant so little to him, why bother? This Christmas I made her and my bro's family some great gift baskets, personalized them so they weren't identical. Even I, who am so criticla of myself, thought they turned out great. My brother and his wife went on and on about them, my sister..in the SAME ROOM when they were opened, didn't even look at me or say a word. So now I'm done trying at Christmas. Next year it's a generic GC. Obviously she doesn't care, so why should I. Though sadly, I know she's now going to complain about me not "trying hard enough."

I have some sympathy for not sending thank you notes when the gift was received in person (except in the instance of weddings and showers). But to be fair, I don't think if that it's any kind of excuse to say, "well I was there in person, so saying thank you was enough." Following that logic, the giver could just say, "well since we were there in person, saying congratulations (or just showing up) was enough" instead of bringing a gift. If the "recipient" is fine with that, then it's all good, but it goes both ways.

Bottom line: if someone takes the time to go out of there way to find a gift for you, overall telling you they were thinking about you, it's a little petty to say in return you don't have the time or interest in taking a minute to pen a thank you. It's that extra effort that makes the difference.

 

[kt_mom]

.



Thank yous are a lost art

There are unfortunately a lot of lost arts these days as people become more and more "entitled" and less and less grateful.

 

[mommy2princesses0309]

I think it's something people in general don't do anymore. We never get thank you notes from anyone ... kids in DDs class for gifts at their bday parties, grown adult stepkids for Christmas, birthday, etc gifts (never even get a thank you of any sort, or "I got xxx in the mail, just lettin' you know" from them), family members, etc. I ALWAYS write a thank you note for everything, i have DD write a thank you note for gifts from family and friends. DH dosen't write thank you notes or acknowledge bday gifts from family (I write the christmas ones so those get acknowledged). I think it's just how you were raised. But it does drive me crazy that no one takes a minute to do this anymore, it's really just another common courtesy that has vanished ... like people holding doors for each other or saying please and thank you! UGH!

 

[mrsklamc]

Bottom line: if someone takes the time to go out of there way to find a gift for you, overall telling you they were thinking about you, it's a little petty to say in return you don't have the time or interest in taking a minute to pen a thank you. It's that extra effort that makes the difference.

See I think it's a little petty to let a stupid card that would go in the garbage anyway ruin relationships.

Yeah, I still send them, but I'm not going to get worked up about not receiving them. I have better things to do with my time.

 

[branv]

See I think it's a little petty to let a stupid card that would go in the garbage anyway ruin relationships.

Yeah, I still send them, but I'm not going to get worked up about not receiving them. I have better things to do with my time.

Well I don't know how often a thank-you card has ruined a relationship. But generally speaking, when it heats things up it's usually because it's a symptom of larger issues. I don't think it's any coincidence that way too often the people I know who don't bother with thank you's some how end up being the same people who tend to treat the people around them with much less consideration than they should. Case in fact: throwing a baby shower for a woman recently who made non-stop demands about what she HAD to have at her shower. Then after the shower, told me that she knew she should send out thank-yous, but couldn't find any interest in getting herself to do it (mind you, wasn't working, had no children other than the one in her, so mostly sat on the computer all day). And yet she complained bitterly that only about 10% of the people invited came. Gee, what a surprise. So obviously it's not a fact, merely a personal observation that the two seem to go hand-in-hand and is just one friction that adds to others. Have I known some otherwise thoughtful people who fail to send thank-yous? Yes, but very very few.

Personally I don't consider thank-yous garbage material. I actually tend to keep them, especially the darling tinker-bell thank-you card my brother's daughter sent me after her last birthday. Brought tears to my eyes

 

[gillenkl]

I had a mom who always made me write thank you notes and I hated it too. It was a blessing though because it taught me that it's a "must do". I always wrote thank-yous for my kids and they'd scribble their names to sign them - but as soon as they could write they had to write their own notes. I have a sister-in-law who has teenage boys. Never did I receive a thank you note or even a phone call of thanks - usually my sister in law would call and say the thank you. Huh? Your kids can't even say 2 words - thank you......I eventually stopped my gift giving to this crew.

 

[4luv2cdisney]

See I think it's a little petty to let a stupid card that would go in the garbage anyway ruin relationships.

Yeah, I still send them, but I'm not going to get worked up about not receiving them. I have better things to do with my time.

I agree. And I found this:

http://www.emilypost.com/everyday/thank_u_note_qna.htm

So, a card is in order for any gift received in the mail or left at a wedding, etc.

I don't know how to double quote, so this is in response to some other posts:

If you were thanked once in person, why would you feel slighted if you didn't get a written note thanking you again?

If you attended a party of some sort when bringing the gift, didn't you get a meal, drinks, entertainment etc... Do you send a thank you note for that? If not, then are you unappreciative of the time / money / effort that went into the party?

I'm not trying to be snippy, just trying to understand. FWIW, I am a very grateful person and my children are, too. I am always getting compliments on their manners.

If someone sends me a gift, I would absolutely pick up the phone and call them - it is rude not to let the sender know you have received the gift and thank them for it. However, I would not then hang up and write a note to them as well. I don't see how that would make me ungrateful. It upsets me that someone might feel that way about me because I didn't hand write a card. That seems impersonal to me. But maybe that's because I get paid to hand write notes/letters for my boss that are supposed to be from her!

 

[C.Ann]

There's a similar thread on the CB - and there have been some comments attempting to "rationalize" just why someone might not have time to write thank you notes - as well as comments indicating that if you are truly giving a gift with "love", because you choose to give someone a gift - that in itself should be enough and a "thank you" isn't necessary..

Sorry, but I don't agree.. Even if someone had a legitimate reason not to write out thank you cards (such as a very serious medical issue or something of that nature), there's no reason that they can't at least make a phone call to say "thank you"..

People have time for 150 channels on their cable tv; time to yak on their cell phones 24/7 - no matter where they are; time to "text"; time to socialize on Facebook; time to Twitter; time to take multiple trips each year - and on and on.. Yet they are "too busy" to write a thank you note..

Sadly, I think rudeness - and a general lack of manners and good etiquette - is becoming socially acceptable - due to the fact that people are no longer held accountable for their own actions (or "lack of")..

So much of the "I'm so busy" excuse is self-inflicted (see above), it simply doesn't hold water with me anymore.. If I don't receive - at the very least - a "verbal" thank you, that's where the "gift train" is retired and no longer leaves the station..

 

[ohlas]

I always send them. I could care less whether I receive them though. It's just going in the garbage anyway, and it really is meaningless to me as a measure of gratitude. I think it reflects how they were raised- which isn't their fault- rather than how grateful they are.

I give the gift with my good wishes and then forget about it. If I get a card, I think, "that's nice," and then throw it in the garbage. If not, I certainly don't stew about it.

me and the mil fight about this all the time she wants a ty note for every thing she gives you.. so i told her to stop giving me presents.. wow was she mad at me

I like to call people and thank them for presents, why is it so important to send birthday cards, chrismas cards, ty cards, I would rather call you and thank you for the lovely present, or call and sing you happy birthday lol because i really am happy you took the time to give me a present..

what is the deal with the card crazy ladies do you keep them because I throw them away.. after a while and they really dont make me happy,,, waste of time and money to sent ty cards unless its for a large party... wedding or baby shower...

Heres the point you want to receive a card with some crappy thank you that the person really doesnt mean, and that makes you happy I dont get it....

 

[phamy76]

My son just turned 10 and had two parties, one with friends and one with family.
He wrote a thank you note to each person thanking them for coming and told them he had fun. I had to remind him to thank them for the gift, too.

 

[C.Ann]

I like to call people and thank them for presents, why is it so important to send birthday cards, chrismas cards, ty cards, I would rather call you and thank you for the lovely present, or call and sing you happy birthday lol because i really am happy you took the time to give me a present..

.

Speaking only for myself, a phone call would be acceptable - rather than NO "thank you" at all..