Teens with 'tude--would you cancel? Long!

[musicmom3]

My trip to AKL with my two DDs (13 and 16) is almost here. For the last several weeks there has been mounting tension between them with each other, and also between the older one and me. In fact last week DD-16 packed up and moved in with her dad...maybe temporarily, but who knows. DH-16 has to go to FL anyway, as she is marching in a parade with her band. She is going down by bus. DH-13 and I were going to fly out, enjoy AKL by ourselves, meet up with DH-16 at the end of the school trip, and then the three of us were going to spend a few extra days together having a 'vacation" after the school bus left. I was so excited to be going, and AKL seems like the perfect place for three out-of-sync people to maybe find one another again...but one part of me thinks that even the happiest place on earth might not be enough to cure what ails us at the moment. Am I crazy that one part of me wants to spend all this money on what might easily become just more of the same drama that I am living with at home? Should I just pack in it until "next time" and save some serious money? Has anybody ever gone to Disney with a situation like this?

 

[spiceycat]

go with your younger daughter -

see your older daughter in her parade.

but don't contact her - let her contact you - if she doesn't let her go home with the band -

have a great time with your younger daughter!!! sounds like she really needs a break too....

 

[Traveliz]

Well I would sure go but I wouldn't leave to chance how the child is getting home - I know our band parents/chaperones/director would not go along with the "if you don't show up to get her as you had planned at the end of the "band portion" of the trip then she is to go on the bus~

I don't think I read anything in the first part of the post that would make me want to cancel though - have they said they don't want to do this?

Liz

 

[SB in KY]

Oh... go for it. The time you have with your youngest may be special for both of you. Have a heart to heart with the oldest before you go and see if she wants to stay with you all after the band trip....if she doesn't I sure would not force her to stay....let her ride home on the bus. You all would still be there to cheer her on and support her (and no matter how much she insists otherwise she will remember that HER mom was there).

If she wants to stay.... great. it may be exactly what everyone needs to reconnect. Away from all the stress and distraction of school, peers, etc.

If you cancel now I suspect the younger one will feel like she is being punished because her sister is being difficult...and the older one will realize she can pitch a fit and family activities will come to a grinding halt...that she can ruin everyones fun....so don't let her.

Go and let the magic prevail!!!

 

[YCFAN]

Two years ago my 15 year old son thought he had to be "cool" around his friend who was on the trip with us. I was really irritated for a while and felt like he was ruining everyone else's vacation. Then I took them to the HDDR and after a while even the 'tude couldn't resist all the fun around us. Maybe it will be a time when some welcome stress relief sets in and all will be well. (I hope so anyway)

 

[webray]

Definately..go with the youngest..have a great time..and let the 16 be.

Welcome to the world of teenage daughters...lol, I would rather have ten sons than one teenage girl. Man..they are total pains.

 

[msr709]

I also say go, but I wouldn't leave the 16 on her own. She might rebel even further and do who knows what at home just to get to you. She is still a minor and she HAS to do what you say. She can always stay in the hotel room and sulk while you and the youngest go out and have fun. After her friends leave the 16 yo might calm down and enjoy the trip. You really can never tell with teenagers but I wouldn't leave her alone (the 16yo) to her own devices specially if she's upset. I found that when my DD acted up during her teenage years I would just ignore her and she'd usually come around because she HATED to be ignored. Go, you need the vacation and I'm sure the girls also whether they want to admit it or not. I wish you the best on this trip, Pixie Dust for you and your girls!!

 

[HANDYMOM]

I know that this is tough for you. While she may have the option to pack it up and go off to Dad's, as her parent you don't. Just the fact that you want to reconnect with both your daughters shows that you already know this. Don't stop trying, just don't break yourself down emotionally while trying.

Stay consistent and leave open room to enjoy each other as planned. Just don't let yourself be a doormat if it goes bad. Keep your expectations for her attitude low. Just be prepared to enjoy your younger child anyways.

She won't be 16 forever....just hang on.

I hope you have a wonderful time, you are a great mother!

 

[dreamingdisney]

I say go! Nothing like taking a break to step back and look at the whole situation. Besides, you and your youngest need the break and even if your oldest doesn't want to come, the two of you will have those happy memories to look back upon.

Sometimes attitudes quickly change with teens, so your oldest may decide to she'll want to spend time with you. But regardless of what happens with the oldest, go!

 

[chi-mom]

I agree with the posters who say go with both girls!!! I don't know the specifics, but I do know that children of divorce often like to play parents against each other to see the reaction they get. Your daughter probably just really wants you to force the issue to "prove" that you really want her to go, and be a part of your group. Usually if you give up the fight, that gives them affirmation that you really don't want them with you. A few days of Mother -Daughter -Sister bonding may be what you need especially at WDW

 

[kirbsam]

I say go...and let the chips fall where they may with the oldest daughter. tell her your expectations if she meets up with you. And if she doesn't want to follow your rules, she can go home to dad. If she does want to follow your rules, then welcome her. If you welcome her and she acts up, make sure you control the tickets and the purse string. not much to do in disney for a 16 year old with no money, and no tickets. good luck. i feel for you

 

[ElizabethB]

I'm obviously in the minority. I'd cancel and stay home. Let older DD go with her school group and come home with her school group. Plan something with younger DD at a different time. The conflict seems pretty difficult at the moment and when people travel they tend to get more stressed, not less. The situation seems ripe for unpleasantness. And, there's nothing worse than spending alot of money on a trip only to have it ruined by arguments and disagreements. It's much cheaper to argue at home!

 

[swilphil]

Definitely don't leave your daughter's return plans up in the air. I'd have your daughter join you at the end of her band trip, but let her know that if her attitude doesn't improve she will be spending a lot of time alone in the hotel room.

 

[CPer'sMom]

I'm obviously in the minority. I'd cancel and stay home. Let older DD go with her school group and come home with her school group. Plan something with younger DD at a different time. The conflict seems pretty difficult at the moment and when people travel they tend to get more stressed, not less. The situation seems ripe for unpleasantness. And, there's nothing worse than spending alot of money on a trip only to have it ruined by arguments and disagreements. It's much cheaper to argue at home!

I so totally agree with Elizabeth, so here's one more for the minority.

I have 2 girls who are now 21 and 25 so I can relate to you and your girls.
You are going through a stressful time with them right now and it sounds as if this was to be a fairly short vacation. Maybe if you were going to be there for a longer time I would say "go", but a few days may not be enough time to let everyone unwind and cool down enough to enjoy one another's company and have a good time.

A WDW vacation is not inexpensive and I would not chance that the time there would be what you all need at this time. Yes, there's a chance it would all turn out great, but there's also that chance that is may be a (slight)disaster.
Discuss it with the girls and tell them you'd like to go to WDW for a 'together' vacation when everyone is feeling more 'together'. I do believe you'd all have a much better time even though it's a tough call to make at this time.

Good luck with your decision

 

[dreamflight99]

This is a tough one... as I have a teenage daughter whom enjoys traveling with my DH & I. But, then again, I am also not a single mom. My sister is, and she has a troublesome time with her DD (now 20), whom lives with her. I would definitely opt to go...since the plans are set. I would take the younger daughter as you planned, and explain the entire situation to the older daughter. Inform her you will "meet" her there, as intended, but if she does not behave appropriately, she will be going home on the bus.

This will give you and your younger daughter a much-needed break from all the "drama" created by the older sibling. Yet, you may be surprised by the change in the older teen, when she is in a different climate/environment. The change may evoke different dynamics, which could prove conducive to mending the chaos you are currently experiencing. Life is short...take advantage of everything while you are able. No regrets...HAVE FUN. You TOO...deserve some happiness and adventure. ^_^

 

[Nolcrest]

Oh Musicmom3 - teenage girls are tough. No, I don't think I would cancel. I'm kinda going thru something similar with my 15 year old - she's too cool for family vacations anymore.

The one thing I'm doing differently this vacation is planning what I want to do and not asking for their opinion on everything and getting 2 rooms so the teens can be in their own room. If they don't like my plans they're more than welcome to go off on their own. I'm really doing it for my own sanity. Not that I can really afford to but it'll be worth it so we all have our "down time".

When my daughter is getting all emotional and feeling left out I find that when I take her to the mall and we have a bite to eat - just the two of us - she opens up and talks non stop to me. ( I know that my daughter is very envious of her older bother and just doesn't feel we give her the same attention ).

I wouldn't ignore the older daughter in FL. and would it be at all possible to plan something while at Disney that just the 2 of you could do - without having "little sister" along? DD16 may then open up and really appreciate the special time.

Just my thoughts. Wondering myself how my vacation with my own DD will go.

 

[opal]

Give your older DD the option of staying with you or going back hom on the bus and staying with dad (but she must decide before you leave on the trip). Maybe she is embarressed to be leaving her friends. Fairly normal at that age. If she goes home with her group, say no more.

My dd is now soon to be 23. Now she enjoys travelling with me. Not always so!!!! Just the other day, when I told her that dh and I might be going on an adult only WDW trip with another couple, her response was "Does that mean that you and I aren't going this year?"

No so long ago, it seemed like all we did was argue. Now she is my best friend. Hang it there and give her a little space!!

 

[musicmom3]

You guys...are the absolute best! I appreciate each and every word of wisdom that you have taken the time to share. Reading the pros and cons is just so helpful, and as a result my spirit is so much lighter. I am leaning in the direction of, as one poster expressed it, "letting the magic prevail." The original plan was for 7 nights...and perhaps this would be a good opportunity to allow that mom-daughter-sister magic to crystalize. Thanks again to all for helping me to explore all my feelings! Rest assured, if in fact we go, I will report back on the effect of AKL on family dynamics! May the pixie dust be with you!