Teens Visiting Family--Update Post #111

[Christine]

DH and I kind of "got into it" this week over this issue. We obviously have different thoughts on this. I was wondering what you all think. Of course I want all of you to agree with me! Just kidding. Tell me what you think.

DH's brother lives about 5 hours away on a military base. His parents live about 4 hours away. So we only see them a few times a year. The kids have always been excited to visit their relatives and this has not been an issue. Until this weekend.

DH took next week off to go visit his brother, his wife, and their son. His parents are also going to go visit. I have to work so I wasn't going. DH will be taking the two kids (ages almost-15 and 11). DH was also going to have to stay in a hotel because there is no room at his brothers house. He was going to go for 5 days.

A few days ago, DD (the almost-15 year old) complained that she really didn't want to go. She finds her younger brother annoying (they bicker a lot), she says that there will be nothing to do for the 5 days except a little boating here and there, she says her grandmother annoys her because it takes a major act of Congress for her to get ready to go out ANYWHERE and she's tired of waiting for her all the time, and she didn't want to do a 5-hour car ride. Not thinking much of it, I said "You really don't have to go, I will be home and we can find something to do here over the 4th." That seemed to please her. Well, she broke it to her dad over the weekend and he had a FIT with both of us.

He feels that family is a duty/obligation and that my DD should be "made" to go.

I feel the exact opposite. I do feel that there are times that one should see their family but I don't think it has to be EVERY time and I don't see the big deal in this. If my DD doesn't want to go and she's miserable, should she really be forced?

My DH says that I "let her off the hook" of her obligations.

I should add that DH's brother was in Iraq for 9 months and we haven't seen him since he's been back so this is part of the issue. However, there will be two or three other opportunities for her to see him (her uncle) this summer.

 

[Pop Daddy]

long post

 

[Serena]

He would have had a fit with me too then.

 

[kdibattista]

While I agree that kids don't have to go every time and this would be a situation I would not mind if my teenager did not go, I would have discussed it with my DH before saying anything. If he feels very strongly about it, I might have sided with him.

 

[Marseeya]

Oh boy, we have that problem too!

We haven't made DS (15) go anywhere with us over the past year or so, but we do expect him to go to the in-law's. The difference in our situation and yours is that you'll see them more often, so I don't see what the big deal is. We only see my inlaws maybe once a year, so it's more important that my son go with us. Each year that goes by turns into a bigger and bigger battle, though.

I think since you're not going, and since you'll see him other times this summer, it's not that big a deal that she doesn't go.

 

[Christine]

If he feels very strongly about it, I might have sided with him.

I agree with that, and I did apologize. Problem is--I didn't *know* he felt strongly about it. In fact, on many of the trips he makes out to his mother's house, he will only take one of the kids because he feels he can't handle the both of them together (they bicker and pick at each other). This would have been the first time in awhile that he would have taken them together. So, I really felt it was no big deal to offer my DD and "out" so to speak.

 

[Sherri]

I would say since you aren't going and she will be the only girl, maybe father and son can make it a father son trip.
You and dd can join them the next time in the summer.
I would say if there are other opportunitys for her to visit in then future then I don't see it as a big deal if she misses this once.
No point in dragging her kicking and screaming, and even if she does put on a smile to please everyone, there will be a vibe she gives off that she was forced to be there.

 

[powellrj]

Can you use the bonding with mom side of DD staying home with you. I would love time alone with my DD and maybe you can tell you DH that you would like some time to do girl things together.

Did he have a reason why he wanted her to go with him? Maybe he had made plans for a surprise and didn't want to spoil it???? I am just guessing.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

If you are staying behind what is the problem. A true family obligation would be the WHOLE family going. Once any of the immediate is staying behind--it becomes less of an obligation.

Perhaps he doesn't want to deal with "why she didn't come" the entire time he is there. Not a good reason to make her go though.


I don't fault you for saying anything to DD about it. Not everything requires a full one one one conference with the other parent--so sometimes I will say stuff that *I* don't have a problem with it without realizing that my hubby would have a problem with it. Since you have a history of split trips to relatives...he probably should be more honest with WHY she needs to go instead of having a fit about it. (especially since other opps exist).

I think he is acted like a child himself.

 

[Maleficent13]

I agree with the others. Since this is not the entire family going anyway, and there are going to be other opportunities to see the uncle, I wouldn't have forced her to go either.

Is there any way you can discuss this with DH to see why he "went off" on you? Based on description of past and present events, I don't understand why he would be so upset either.

And, quite frankly, WHY would he want to be trapped with a crabby disgruntled 15 yr old for a ten hour (round trip) car trip, let alone 5 days with no escape?

 

[NMAmy]

And, quite frankly, WHY would he want to be trapped with a crabby disgruntled 15 yr old for a ten hour (round trip) car trip, let alone 5 days with no escape?

As the mother of a 15 yo, Mal, I can't think of much worse than that myself.

I would have done the same as you, Christine. Since you're staying home anyway and your dd will have other opportunities to see her uncle, I wouldn't have thought it was a big deal.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I think your husband is just angry that you made this decision without even talking to him first.

My husband gets very gripe-y about family things also. He feels that I really don't like his family and tend to avoid spending time with them, which is in all honesty very true. I do however TRY not to let that carry over to the kids, but I'm not very good at it and that (rightfully so) makes him angry with me at times.

I would say that you and your daughter did this one all wrong and you are now in a no win situation. I think she should go this time, and NEXT time you both need to be careful to include her Dad in the decision making.

 

[jonnyboyca]

Chain her to the car! j/k

Explain to your DH that it would be great for him to take your son on a father/son bonding trip and that you would like some mother/daughter time. If that doesn't work.. buy your DH some electronic gadget and he'll shut up! j/k

~jon

 

[SillyMe]

I would say since you aren't going and she will be the only girl, maybe father and son can make it a father son trip.
You and dd can join them the next time in the summer.
I would say if there are other opportunitys for her to visit in then future then I don't see it as a big deal if she misses this once.
No point in dragging her kicking and screaming, and even if she does put on a smile to please everyone, there will be a vibe she gives off that she was forced to be there.

I think that's a great idea.

 

[Christine]

I'll try to address some of these.

As to the Father/Son trip--he's done a few of these already and so, this is not a big deal. DD and I also spend plenty of time together so, honestly, we don't really need the one-on-one time.

His gripe is: We/she doesn't have ANY plans during that week. Two of the days in questions, she will be home alone while I am at work. He feels that she will just be IM'ing and "waiting" for her friends to call her. This is probably true.

Second, like TobysFriend above, I don't care to visit with the in-laws like he does. I work *more* than full-time and my weekends are filled with chores and just trying to unwind. I never want to drive the 4 hours to go visit his family. Apparently, he has spent years having to *explain* why I don't come and he harbors resentment. I told him "that's your problem." Several years ago, I had a nice long conversation, one-on-one with his mother (my MIL) and told her that me not visiting was NOTHING personal, it was all about me and that I just can't handle working full-time and then taking numerous trips and sitting at someone else's house. She seemed okay with that. I don't think she's happy about it but it put off any worries that I didn't like them. DH's siblings are another matter. They travel all over just to be with each other.

As TobysFriend stated, I also do my best to keep a positive spin on the kids visiting the relatives and they've always wanted to. Heck, I enjoy it sometimes when the leave the house for the weekend.

But, honestly, I think my DD is become more and more like me as she gets older. She said that she just DREADS sitting around someone's house for 5 days and listening to them "have their memories."

Basically, DH has flipped because DD is "acting like me" now. I think, deep down, he thinks I may have put her up to not going. I asked him this and he won't admit it. He just thinks I'm totally wrong for even suggesting that she didn't have to go.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think you have marriage problems regarding this and it has nothing to do with your dd.

I have a 15yodd, they would lay around glued to the computer or phone. It has nothing to do with your resentment for visiting 'in-laws' or becoming like you.
Nice try.

 

[jonnyboyca]

eventually one of you is going to have to say the dreaded two words "i'm sorry" for either suggesting it or blowing up about it.. :-\ Obviously he's really passionate about this trip/his family... maybe just bite the bullet and smile and agree with him to make peace?

~jon

 

[Christine]

eventually one of you is going to have to say the dreaded two words "i'm sorry" for either suggesting it or blowing up about it.. :-\ Obviously he's really passionate about this trip/his family... maybe just bite the bullet and smile and agree with him to make peace?

~jon

I did this yesterday. I told him that I had no idea that he felt so strongly about it and that I was sorry that I "let her off the hook." I just had no clue. I then offered to go have a talk with DD, tell her that it was very important to her father that she go, and then I was going to make her go. He was like "no, forget it, it's too late now."

 

[Hannathy]

I guess I am the dissenter if she didn't have any real reasons to not go ie-job, sports, summer school, I think she should go. I think she should go see her family, it is important to understand obligation to family. Are you going to be so understanding when as a young adult she doesn't feel like using any of her vacation time to come see you "cause it is boring or etc" As a compromise is there any way she could come home early? maybe Dad could put her on a bus after a few days and you could meet her somewhere? Or even you drive part of the way to get her and your DH drive her back part of the way it really would only tie up an evening. She has a lot of years to do exciting things and this is only 1 week to see her family-how long do her Gr.parents have.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I did this yesterday. I told him that I had no idea that he felt so strongly about it and that I was sorry that I "let her off the hook." I just had no clue. I then offered to go have a talk with DD, tell her that it was very important to her father that she go, and then I was going to make her go. He was like "no, forget it, it's too late now."

OK, then this is a marriage issue. Your dh resents the fact you don't go as a family. I would put my money on it.