teenagers gone wild

[kafitty]

i was *kinda* one of those kids. i was hanging with people a lot worse though.

my parents pulled me out of public school and put me in Catholic school.

Guess what? i did all the same stuff - though, not with the kids i went to HS with, i actually ended up making all of my friends through my town's church group and then we all ended up in the party scene. (go figure)

if someone wants to have that lifestyle and hang out with those kinds of people, they're going to. end of story.

hopefully though, they end up like me - i'm more of the "mom" of our group, i take care of the idiots. but man, is it easy to be one of the idiots.


that being said, i always faced consequences when i got caught.

 

[MrsPete]

MY friend informs me that there is no one else for her daughter to hang out with...that every kid in high school is getting high having sex and drinking

What's her source for this information? Let me guess: Her daughter, the one who's proven she isn't responsible enough to handle the car and the freedom that her mom's giving her. The one who wants to justify her actions.

LOTS of teenagers ARE doing these things, but there are plenty of nice kids out there who are VERY against these choices. And there are some who really don't have friend-connections, and they sit at home alone a great deal rather than do things they think are wrong.

 

[alexandria674]

Before my senior stint in military school (my choice) I went to a continuation school for my Junior year. This school had pregnant teen mothers, kids with discipline problems, kids with low grave averages (me), teens whose reputations preceded them even before arriving to the school. Obviously there was a bad reputation associated with the place, but guess what? Not all the kids were bad, sure there was some, but for the most part, everyone was alright, there were some good teens in the school too.

I think the OP's friend is making excuses for her daughter's behavior instead of realizing that the problem isn't entirely other people but her child. There needs to be action and control, not blame on others.

 

[HunnyPots]

This woman is just making excuses for her daughter's attrocious behavior and her own lazy, irresponsible, and just plain BAD parenting.

If it were true that all kids in "regular high school" were as bad as this woman says, I would have yanked both my kids out and taught them myself before I let them run around acting like this kid. Or I would have taken two extra jobs and sent them to private school. I would do whatever I had to do to keep my kids safe and raise them right. No excuses. Ever.

 

[kellyg403]

I haven't had the chance to read the whole thread but just wanted to say the other mom is in serious denial. She is hoping you will convince her that she is doing the right thing. Your dd and her dd are not friends anymore except for casually because my guess is middle school is where she started to get into other things. Your dd went down a different path.

Your friend's dd is not going to change and it sounds like your friend is looking through rose colored glasses hoping that its not her kid but everyone else's making her kid do these things. There is always an excuse that will work for her. I would be very direct and succinct, and trust me..I have with someone very similar to your friend, her child is going to do what she wants to do with or without her permission. It is not something she can change. The only thing she can do is stop enabling it, take away the car and let her know when she is lying. Call her on it and make her take responsibility. It is not every kid in school doing this. My sdd and dd went to the same school's throught their life. In middle school they went down separate paths and in high school it was quite evident the paths they chose. The 'friends' this girl is hanging around with are indicitive of her behavior. Very rarely do the potheads hang out with the smart kids etc. Sure they are friends on a casual basis but at this age they are very sure what type of friends they are looking for. The partiers like the partiers etc. Its not a crime, but it can spell bad news someday.

Kelly

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So for those of you that posted it is "lazy parenting" I have a question or anyone else that wants to comment.

After she ends up pregnant, who is to blame? Are you going to put any blame on the parent in this case?

 

[ez]

oh yeah btw...the mom just got her started on birth control pills "cause her cycles are irregular"

 

[kellyg403]

So for those of you that posted it is "lazy parenting" I have a question or anyone else that wants to comment.

After she ends up pregnant, who is to blame? Are you going to put any blame on the parent in this case?

Honestly, no. While 16 is still young, they have been equipped with the morals and understanding of what is expected of them. I am in the camp that it is not 'lazy' parenting but a loving parent gone too far. A child who is a manipulator knows who they can manipulate and how to do it. A parent who thinks its the high school or the friends does not clearly see that their child is the same excuse for another parent. Suzy's parents are saying if suzy would just stop hanging around with Jo and Jo's parent's are saying if she she would just stop hanging around with Suzy everything would be fine.

Having seen this type of situation up close and personal, the more Suzy's mom tries to control the situation the worse it will get. Suzy will find a way if Suzy wants to. Suzy is a teen, and most teen's think there is nothing bad in the world, they are grown etc. Life experience is pretty short and until they see something 'bad' up close they remain thinking it will never happen to me. All a parent can do is call a spade a spade and let the teen know that the lying and bad stuff doesn't fly. Will it change anything? No, not right away. But just blindly giving 2000 pounds of steel to an irresponsible, drinking teen is not the answer IMHO.

Pregnancy is going to affect everybody without a doubt. Blame? I am not sure there can be blame in that. A teen is going to have sex...and we can all remember those days. All you can do is give them the information needed and they make the choices in the end.

Kelly

 

[kellyg403]

oh yeah btw...the mom just got her started on birth control pills "cause her cycles are irregular"

IMHO, regardless of the reason this is probably the most 'responsible' thing this mom is doing. Adding a baby or unwanted pregnancy to the mix just would make it worse. This mom would end up raising the baby so her dd could still be a teen and go out partying. At least that is the way she comes across from your posts.

Kelly

 

[Darsa]

Oh, wonderful, so she'll just end up with an STD rather than pregnant. And that's only if she survives driving that nice shiny new car while God knows WHAT is percolating through her system...

I think the thing that STILL blows me away at this point after all this is that a mother is brainless enough to purchase a brand new car for their 16 year old daughter. I guess I'm just stuck in "poor mode" because I can't imagine having all of that added expense! Not to mention the possible accident repairs, hikes in insurance, fines and tickets to pay...

 

[GeorgeG]

The mother is a huge part of the problem. If the daughter can't find friends who don't do all the bad things, they (as in both of them) aren't looking in the right places. Until the kids are grown and out of the house it's a combined effort.

I get really annoyed when people use the excuse "everyone does it." My generation uses "if you can remember the '60's you weren't there." Those are simply losers trying to rationalize their own mistakes. There's a whole world of people out there, young and old, who make/made the right choices.

 

[Geoff_M]

This mom and daughter have lived across the street from us for 15 years. When the girls were younger they were extremely close and we used to even vacation together sometimes. As the girls got in middle school they stopped hanging around together except on very rare occasions when the neighbors daughter will come over, maybe once every few months to borrow something or whatever. We started exchanging Christmas birthday gifts years ago so we still do that.

Our daughter (now 18) had friends sort of like that. They were good friends up until about the start of high school. At that time a couple of them went "boy crazy" (our daughter's phrasing) and developed very different interests.

As for the mom in question, I wouldn't say she's being "lazy", I'd say it sounds like she thinks it's more important to be "friends" with her daughter instead of wanting to do "the right thing" as a parent and risking "losing" her in the process.

 

[MoniqueU]

My DS goes to a Catholic High School. He claims he is an athiest. Anyway he is not a nerd and not a church goer. At his 16th birthday party at our house there was drinking and pot smoking not provided or allowed by us. My son doesnt do that, all his close friends took off when the trouble started. My son plays football, has a social life, is not nerdy etc. He still manages to act human;. I have questions about how my 12 year old DD is going to turn out, she was trying to get my son to drink tequila last week after I went to bed. Great.

Anyway with what you have going on in your life I would take a step back. You have a full plate. This girl is either going to self destruct and or take other people down with her or get her crap together and you being there listening to her mom being codependent isn't going to help the situation one way or another it doesn't sound like.

 

[SydneyFalco]

Sigh, my eighties high school was so boring....

 

[Hollywoodhaha]

I am almost 16 and I don't drink, have sex, or do drugs..
No drinking because I don't want the family problem I have had with it to happen to me, sex I dont wanna get pregnant, and drugs I don't want to die of overdose or something.

I am not nerdy but I hang out with some of them x]

I'm a loner because my friends moved..

 

[ez]

This is ez's daughter speaking, my mom wanted me to read the replies to this and I thought it'd be a good idea to share my experiences as well with this girl (she's 16, I'm 15.)

For over a year now, she's been THE biggest troublemaker I know (right across the street, pleasant isn't it?), and coincidentially goes to a high school where many kids are under the influence (although a few do still remain on top.) She's always, ever since I've known her, been a person who would always want to be in the "in" crowd. I think that by being so defiant (smoking pot, drinking relentlessly, hooking up with guys, etc) she thinks this makes her cool. Of course gratification from other teens can raise one's self appeal, confidence, etc., but my question is, when does it end? HOW will it end? Her mom is not a very nice person imho, and apparently she isn't too great of a parent either. Her daughter ALWAYS gets a slap on the wrist- it's ridiculous! What I'm thinking is, it makes her daughter feel like she has a ton of freedom (what 16 year old wouldn't, what, with a brand new car and all)- which she DEFINITELY doesn't deserve. I work my butt off in the International Baccalaureate program, and get good grades and I'm not going to get a car until I'm what, 18? and she fails at a reconstructional school (which she was forced to go to since she smoke pot at her own one) and got a car at SIXTEEN. And now, I know I must have been virtually the only "friend" she had that wasn't into bad things, she goes and tells her mom I was trying to get a ton of drinks during the Fourth of July party my mom threw. When my mom told me her mom said that, I flipped- how can her mom even believe that, when her daughter lies about everything anyways?

My mom and I are both being used-- and they don't seem to appreciate anything we do. I'm very sick of this and I know my mom's getting to that point too. Kids shouldn't be like this, almost all of my friends are above the influence.

Thanks

 

[EthansMom]

This is ez's daughter speaking, my mom wanted me to read the replies to this and I thought it'd be a good idea to share my experiences as well with this girl (she's 16, I'm 15.)

For over a year now, she's been THE biggest troublemaker I know (right across the street, pleasant isn't it?), and coincidentially goes to a high school where many kids are under the influence (although a few do still remain on top.) She's always, ever since I've known her, been a person who would always want to be in the "in" crowd. I think that by being so defiant (smoking pot, drinking relentlessly, hooking up with guys, etc) she thinks this makes her cool. Of course gratification from other teens can raise one's self appeal, confidence, etc., but my question is, when does it end? HOW will it end? Her mom is not a very nice person imho, and apparently she isn't too great of a parent either. Her daughter ALWAYS gets a slap on the wrist- it's ridiculous! What I'm thinking is, it makes her daughter feel like she has a ton of freedom (what 16 year old wouldn't, what, with a brand new car and all)- which she DEFINITELY doesn't deserve. I work my butt off in the International Baccalaureate program, and get good grades and I'm not going to get a car until I'm what, 18? and she fails at a reconstructional school (which she was forced to go to since she smoke pot at her own one) and got a car at SIXTEEN. And now, I know I must have been virtually the only "friend" she had that wasn't into bad things, she goes and tells her mom I was trying to get a ton of drinks during the Fourth of July party my mom threw. When my mom told me her mom said that, I flipped- how can her mom even believe that, when her daughter lies about everything anyways?

My mom and I are both being used-- and they don't seem to appreciate anything we do. I'm very sick of this and I know my mom's getting to that point too. Kids shouldn't be like this, almost all of my friends are above the influence.

Thanks

I just wanted to say that I think this is a really mature way to look at things. Seems like you've got a great head on your shoulders.

IMO, the mother and daughter (and their drama) are taking time and energy from your family and I would step back from the relationship with them.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Of course gratification from other teens can raise one's self appeal, confidence, etc., but my question is, when does it end? HOW will it end? Her mom is not a very nice person imho, and apparently she isn't too great of a parent either.

It will end when you stop paying attention to it.

Like the previous poster says, you need to not even have them on your radar anymore. You will meet people throughout your life who are users.

The bigger question is, why are you giving them permission to use you?

 

[ez]

I guess the difficulty is when you have a long history with people...been friends for so many years...it makes it hard...I was taking everyones advice and trying to limit contact not answering the phone and guess what yesterday I'm on the computer and the neighbor just walks in the house...like she has done many times before...comes in the computer room and plops down on the bed and tells me the latest in the ongoing drama....ughhhh!

 

[NotUrsula]

Honestly, most cases like this that I've encountered in my life stem from mental illness, both on the part of the parent and/or the child. Depression mostly, and some situations of bipolar depression.

When kids start to act out like this, some parents will be able to steel themselves to stay on top of it, seek clinical help if necessary, and ride that rough ride until the child reaches adulthood, when they leave home.

Other parents are just not strong enough mentally to live with the constant stress of always having an adversarial relationship with the child, and will become depressed enough about it to begin to tune it out. If they have money, they often try throwing money at the child in a vain hope that that the child will behave somewhat better out of gratitude.
Car gifts are common for people who can do it -- the reason is simple; it gets the child out of their house for a little while and buys some peace through absence. Some of them even perhaps subconsciously hope that now that a vehicle has been provided, that the child will take it and leave. I don't think that these folks don't love their children on some level, but it is just that they are overwhelmed and completely at sea, so they give up.

I don't think that you have to listen to it or enable it, but I don't think it's usually as simple as being lazy. Most of the time it's much more complicated (and sadder) than that.