Teenager Vent

[1stluvispooh]

Sorry guys I really need to vent about my 14 year old son. He is intelligent enough to get straight A's but doesn't. Honestly I would be happy with a's and B's. Unfortunately he is not even getting those. Why you might ask because he doesn't hand in his homework!!! Really. Who does this?? Why does he even think that this is ok. If i question him about it he will say "I don't know why it says I didn't hand it in. I must have forgotten to put my name on it". The next time I check the grades line and they are still missing he will say "yeah I found it on the no name wall so I don't know why its still marked missing. Then when yet another week goes by and the assignments are still marked missing I have to ask him if he is lied to me about even doing them. Then he gets all upset and says he didn't do them to begin with. *** like he's not going to get into more trouble for not telling me the truth in the first place!!!! Yes he is grounded and the way he is going he is going to be grounded until he is 30! I am at my wits end and Wally don't know what to do with him anymore.


Thanks for letting me get this off my chest

 

[NAB]

Welcome to my world...mine is 15years old and does this. Always homework not done. He is doing well but could do so much better if he just did the work.He says he is going to change but hasn't yet. They (guideance councelors) warned us at the beginning of high school that if they don't do homework now they probably won't in coming year. She was so right.

Grounding and taking stuff away doesn't work for me, hope it works for you. I just get empty promises.

My husband just tells me we can't do it for him, he will learn soon enough. I want to back off but then think if we get to the point were he can't get into university I will blame myself for not trying harder.

 

[lizabu]

Maybe you care enough that he doesn't have to. I'm not sure how to word this but I have two teenage boys (14 and 18). I tell them all the time I finished school and I'm done. If they don't do their assignments and if they don't study it's their life and their future they are choosing to make harder. If they want to aim for a career at McDonalds of course I would like to see them achieve more than that but in the end if they make choices now that lead them there that was their choice and they can look forward to the lifestyle that comes along with a career choice like that. If they want more from their future careers they must put in the effort in high school to get there. Maybe ask your son what he hopes to achieve after high school. Would he like a nice car? Would he like to move out of Mom and Dad's house one day? Would he like to make more than minimum wage? The choices are all up to him. And then let go. I've seen parents push their kids and I'm sure it works for some people. At some point a kid comes to realize this is his life and the choices made lead to an end result.

 

[hereyago]

Sorry guys I really need to vent about my 14 year old son. He is intelligent enough to get straight A's but doesn't. Honestly I would be happy with a's and B's. Unfortunately he is not even getting those. Why you might ask because he doesn't hand in his homework!!! Really. Who does this?? Why does he even think that this is ok. If i question him about it he will say "I don't know why it says I didn't hand it in. I must have forgotten to put my name on it". The next time I check the grades line and they are still missing he will say "yeah I found it on the no name wall so I don't know why its still marked missing. Then when yet another week goes by and the assignments are still marked missing I have to ask him if he is lied to me about even doing them. Then he gets all upset and says he didn't do them to begin with. *** like he's not going to get into more trouble for not telling me the truth in the first place!!!! Yes he is grounded and the way he is going he is going to be grounded until he is 30! I am at my wits end and Wally don't know what to do with him anymore.


Thanks for letting me get this off my chest

Dd14 has FINALLY stepped up. She would do her homework in middle school,I would watch her do it, then she wouldn't turn it in. Then 7th grade her math teacher gave them automatic f'sand she learned quick. Now she is in 9th grade a's and B's except 1 d,because she doesn't like to study because 1wait for it: the teacher is old. She has tightened up,but I stopped riding the subject, she fails it is on her. Last year she didn't think the science teacher liked her so she didn't like science: well she brought up her grades after I said I don't care if she and the teacher don't like each other she ended up getting into honors science this year. Could it be that your ds is bored and it isn't challenging enough or is a lack of organization thing,

 

[Boston Tea Party]

In the same boat with you. I tell my kid routinely that he will NOT live on my couch!

 

[SaraJayne]

Maybe you care enough that he doesn't have to. I'm not sure how to word this but I have two teenage boys (14 and 18). I tell them all the time I finished school and I'm done. If they don't do their assignments and if they don't study it's their life and their future they are choosing to make harder. If they want to aim for a career at McDonalds of course I would like to see them achieve more than that but in the end if they make choices now that lead them there that was their choice and they can look forward to the lifestyle that comes along with a career choice like that. If they want more from their future careers they must put in the effort in high school to get there. Maybe ask your son what he hopes to achieve after high school. Would he like a nice car? Would he like to move out of Mom and Dad's house one day? Would he like to make more than minimum wage? The choices are all up to him. And then let go. I've seen parents push their kids and I'm sure it works for some people. At some point a kid comes to realize this is his life and the choices made lead to an end result.

This is the way I have chosen to address my son's lack of motivation. His future is completely in his hands.

There has been a great improvement from last year once he realized he was the one responsible for keeping track of the who/what/where of his schoolwork. Yes, he's had to fall down a few times, but he's slowly learning.

He'll get there, Mom.

 

[hereyago]

he will learn soon enough. I want to back off but then think if we get to the point were he can't get into university I will blame myself for not trying harder.

But it wouldn't be right to blame yourself if he didn't, personal accountability. No one wants to see their kid fail,but only THEY have the power to want to step up,if they don't , THEY have to deal with the consequences.

 

[kirstenb1]

Welcome to my world...mine is 15years old and does this. Always homework not done. He is doing well but could do so much better if he just did the work.He says he is going to change but hasn't yet. They (guideance councelors) warned us at the beginning of high school that if they don't do homework now they probably won't in coming year. She was so right.

Grounding and taking stuff away doesn't work for me, hope it works for you. I just get empty promises.

My husband just tells me we can't do it for him, he will learn soon enough. I want to back off but then think if we get to the point were he can't get into university I will blame myself for not trying harder.

I hear you!! I alternate between telling myself this is not my problem, and checking Powerschool, and trying to remind dd to stay on top of things.

I wish I knew the answer. I honestly don't think dd understands that making D's and F's will greatly limit her future.

 

[Chelley00]

I have one of those. He actually failed an easy class his freshman year because it had a weekly assignment that he never turned in, yet he got A's on every test in that class.

I'm not going to remind him to do his homework. He's 16 and has been doing homework since first grade so it's not like this is a new routine for him. It's his responsibility to get it done and turn it in. What I can do is make sure he has consequences at home for bad grades (no phone, no Xbox, no car etc)

He's been getting better and has brought his GPA up a lot lately so maybe there is hope?

 

[Tiger926]

A little advice from a high school teacher here...it seems that so many parents care more than their kids do.

Many teens struggle with motivation, foresight and planning, so academics surely suffer in this respect. Honestly though, they need to suffer in order for the teens to see that they need to take personal responsibility for their lives.

When mom and dad do all of the worrying, checking on grades, completing homework, etc. then the kids don't have to.

People do what works for them, and many teens really struggle with seeing past the next 30 mins of their lives (except of course when it comes to planning social activities for the weekend), and so if parents are taking care of stuff, the kids don't have to.

We struggle with this on the school end, but we enact some serious consequences, and it is only then that some kids are able to see that their negative choices and lack of motivation and planning will make life difficult in many areas. It doesn't work for all though, and it is these kids who are in serious trouble as they are failing courses, a year behind in school, kicked out of co-op, etc. and so graduation is delayed due to stupid behaviours that could have been avoided. But for some of these kids, nothing really works, and it is these kids who seriously frustrate the heck out of us.

I wish all of you parents of teens patience and strength in getting through the very difficult teen years.

Tiger

 

[1stluvispooh]

I have to the grades do bug me but what really gets my tinsel in a tangle is how he blatantly lies to me. I have even asked. "so what are you going to tell dad when he asks? So which one is the truth?".

 

[badblackpug]

My daughter did this in 8th grade. She failed math and had to take it in summer school. The only problem with that is is cost me nearly $400. Of course, we didn't make it pleasant. As there was no bus, she had to walk to and from, no matter the weather, and she was grounded until she passed.

I am not one to hover, but I have to admit I don't want to shell out the money, either. Thankfully, this hasn't been an issue since she started high school.

 

[Kae]

We too are parents of a 15 yr old Turd. Fall & Spring we don't have as much problems because of Sports he has to keep is grades up. But right now is bad. I mean really who does the work & forgets to turn it in? My son. This winter I told him no Snowboarding if he doesn't turn stuff in. I hope it helps. If he does good he can Snowboard at least 3 times a week.

Kae

 

[badblackpug]

I have to the grades do bug me but what really gets my tinsel in a tangle is how he blatantly lies to me. I have even asked. "so what are you going to tell dad when he asks? So which one is the truth?".

My answer to that would either be don't check powerschool at all and punish him based on his report card grades. This is what we do. Esssentially, you are grounded for the marking period until we see proof of an acceptable grade. Or…tell him you won't accept ANY excuses for work that isn't turned in. Check powerschool weekly, maybe on Fridays, and base the weekend and the following week on that. In that if you see on Friday there are missing assignments then he is grounded until next Friday. That way he isn't given the opportunity to lie about it.

 

[Tiger926]

I have to the grades do bug me but what really gets my tinsel in a tangle is how he blatantly lies to me. I have even asked. "so what are you going to tell dad when he asks? So which one is the truth?".

So, nevermind dad...what is your reaction to the lying? Does he have consequences for it?

Lying is a self preservation/defence mechanism thing, so he's lying because he screwed up, and doesn't want to get caught, or when he does get caught, he's hoping he can lie his way out of it.

Is lying a normal pattern for him? Teens lie a lot...I have a great relationship with my students, but a few new ones the past few weeks have lied to me about stuff, and I have called them on it immediately. My favourite line is, "Don't treat me like I'm stupid." They reaiize quickly that I'm not having it one bit.

When he lies, what happens?

My daughter did this in 8th grade. She failed math and had to take it in summer school. The only problem with that is is cost me nearly $400. Of course, we didn't make it pleasant. As there was no bus, she had to walk to and from, no matter the weather, and she was grounded until she passed.

I am not one to hover, but I have to admit I don't want to shell out the money, either. Thankfully, this hasn't been an issue since she started high school.

At that point, I am now your employer, and you will be working each day, right before and after your tiring summer school sessions to pay off that $400.00. If that doesn't work for you, then interest on your loan will commence each day forward.

Tiger

 

[Glennie5]

I have a 15 yr old who is the same. Grade 10 and says he never has homework. I remember feeling sick when I was that age and went to school without my homework done but it does not seem to phase him at all.

 

[LisaR]

I have to the grades do bug me but what really gets my tinsel in a tangle is how he blatantly lies to me. I have even asked. "so what are you going to tell dad when he asks? So which one is the truth?".

I have a 15 y/o who may not live to see 16 so I may not be the best one to give advice. I was given some advice not too long ago and it has really made a difference. The key is to stop engaging in conversation. Set whatever rules you are comfortable enforcing and limit the conversation.

Example: Establish the rule in advance. The rule is that you turn in all homework on time. No excuses.
The consequences are for each assignment you don't turn in, you will (insert whatever- lose video games, cell phone, friends, whatever you want to establish up front and that you will enforce).

Then, when the infraction occurs, you simply say, "According to the computer, you are missing the assignment for X class. You've lost electronics tonight per our established rules" and here is the important part: WALK AWAY! Don't ask where the assignment is or why it wasn't done. Don't give him a chance to create a lie. He had a job to do, he failed, here is the consequence. It really has cut down on the back and forth with our son. Good luck. I feel your pain!

 

[Mel522]

It's not uncommon for kids to not do their homework. I never did my homework until I got into high school. I got grounded a couple times, never motivated me. When I got into high school everything just became very real to me. I wanted to get into a good college. I wanted to graduate. I wanted to graduate with high honors. I finally realized grades are important.

My brother did the same, only he didn't get motivated until college. The fact that he had to pay for school and it was necessary for him to get a degree to work in the career he wanted is what finally did it for him.

Unfortunately you cannot make your son try. The only thing you can do is reinforce the importance and the consequences, and hope for the best.

 

[tasha99]

DS14 does this. Sadly, he tried an ADHD medicine, and suddenly was able to turn in his work. I was thrilled, and he was getting all A's. Then, the medicine started making him feel "crazy," and he refused to take it, or any other ADHD medicine anymore. Now, we're back to homework riding in backpacks and failing classes but getting A's on tests. He gets in the 99th percentile on his MAPS and IOWA tests, but if it's a task that requires follow through, he doesn't do it.

I got some time off from work next month to take a seminar on non-medicinal intervention strategies for ADHD. Wish me luck . . .

 

[CF'er]

I work nightshift. I went on PowerSchool one night last year to check his grades. He had a zero for a major project that had been due the week before. I called him at 2:30 AM. He was dumb enough to answer. I laid into him up one side and down the other. A co-worker was worried that I was waking him up and he needed sleep for school. I told him that he obviously did not as he wasn't doing the work. My plan was to show up at his dad's house (we are divorced and that's where he was that night) when my shift ended to continue our "conversation" and to be able to include his dad. (Dad would NOT have been happy camper either.)
My son sent me a text message an hour later that he "found" his missing project. He was smart enough not to roll over and go back to sleep. That at least stopped my morning wake up call.
This year he is doing much better. He says he does NOT want anymore 2AM calls. I also have told him about what you do now really does impact your future/college/jobs etc. I think it is sinking in. His latest progress report is A's and B's. This is also a kid with ADD and he is medicated but that's another topic.