Teaching kids about disappointment

[Erin1700]

Ok moms and dads, I need to hear your stories about the first time your kids learned some of life's hardest lessons. We raise our kids from when they are born to know that you can not always have everything you want.

But I am preparing my 8yr old DD for what could very well be her first lesson of "I worked VERY hard for something and I didnt get what I had hoped for".
She has a great attitude about it, but I know deep down she will be crushed if things dont work out for her. We have gone over the whole...you couldnt have done anything more, lets look at all the good you have gotten, keep your chin up stuff. This will also be announced in front of lots of other kids so we talked about how you react in public in EITHER situation. Dont be a sore loser OR a cocky winner.

We also told her that this is what real life is all about and we talked about how people go through this stuff in school, jobs, getting into colleges, etc.

So tell me your stories, if you dont mind. No flames please, I am just trying to learn to be a good parent when the issues are more than "I didnt win the race at recess today"

 

[pandora174]

Well we are facing nothing huge but to my DS it is since he is 6. We signed him up for swimming class through the Red Cross at our local park. Level 1, well he really tried hard ( he was a preemie so he still has some motor skill issues). Well his class progressed to level 2 & he did not. He was pretty upset, the swimming coach told him he was going to 1.5 class so that sort of cheered him up.

I was like the cheerleader, you tried your hardest, learned so much etc. Well today was the end of his 2nd attempt at swimming class & he did not pass & the first "coach" instead of being upfront I learned there was no 1.5 class ! So here is the poor kid expecting to at least pass 1.5 class & he gets the paper saying level 1 class & he needs to repeat it for the 3rd time. & he yup all his new friends again progressed to level 2 & he figured out there is no level 1.5 class & he's back in level 1.

SO on top of giving him the cheer up leason, everyone learns differently & at their own pace & the important thing is that he has learned so much & he has a blast swimming etc & I had to explain why his first coach "lied" to him, in his words not mine I got the "mom why didn't he just tell the truth?"

So I explained that he's a very lucky boy because a lot of kids parents can't afford swimming lessons, what's important is he tried his best & had fun, that that he did learn to swim & now can show off for mom & dad on our vacation in 2 weeks & that grown up's make mistakes and I agreed that the first coach should of told him the truth.

He's used to hard work since he's been in therapy since a baby for multiple issues so I reminded him of all he accomplished with hard work & how he graduated PT & OT & how he's in a regular classroom vs special ed. So in the big scheme of things level 1,1.5, 2 in swim calss is no biggie. DS is very sensitive to not doing as well as the other kids. He is very hard on himself. I was like that as a child as well. So hee told me he wants to keep trying over & over again, even if it means he stays in level 1 "forever"

I'm not sure what kind of disappointment you're trying to prep your child for. So sorry if I didn't answer your questions. Just my most recent experience "TODAY".

The worst was in the last 3 years we moved to a new area, same state just different city & found a great rental townhome from a smaller apt. Well DS was 3 & loved it. 1 year in the lease the owner tells us he's about to be forclosed. He was little so he didn't mind the move. Found another great house, then BANG the owner was forclosed. This one as hard b/c he specifically was upset about having to move. Had to explain at the age of 5 a little more about some people's finances than I wanted to & that "no this isn't our house forever" which he thought.

Thankfully and with lots of prayers I found us a more stable rental home owned by a builder (who just converted new homes to rentals) & our lease has been renewed already & we have no worries for now & as a bonus DS has a fenced in backyard so it worked out. But he is now 6 1/2 & understands we're a family, we always will be together, he has great friends, a great school & "if" the day comes we have to move he won't lose any of that. Hope I didn't ramble. But with my DS listening, talking frankly but of course not too above his head & giving him a sense of security has always worked in any situation when he is going to face some type of frustration.

P.S. There are always going to be some disappointments as they get older. Our latest one is if one his school buddies who promised & his mom asked for DS's address, is going to invite him to his b-day party on July 27. No invitation received yet so I am hoping for the best but keeping my fingers crossed. I already got 1 question yesterday if so & so's invite got here I am mentally preparing myself for another life lesson.

 

[mickeyboat]

Ok moms and dads, I need to hear your stories about the first time your kids learned some of life's hardest lessons. We raise our kids from when they are born to know that you can not always have everything you want.

But I am preparing my 8yr old DD for what could very well be her first lesson of "I worked VERY hard for something and I didnt get what I had hoped for".
She has a great attitude about it, but I know deep down she will be crushed if things dont work out for her. We have gone over the whole...you couldnt have done anything more, lets look at all the good you have gotten, keep your chin up stuff. This will also be announced in front of lots of other kids so we talked about how you react in public in EITHER situation. Dont be a sore loser OR a cocky winner.

We also told her that this is what real life is all about and we talked about how people go through this stuff in school, jobs, getting into colleges, etc.

So tell me your stories, if you dont mind. No flames please, I am just trying to learn to be a good parent when the issues are more than "I didnt win the race at recess today"

Sounds like you are already doing a great job, mom!

Last weekend DD8 had her first track meet. I was certain she would place in one of her sprints, and we were all excitedly waiting to hear her name announced. Well, it wasn't. She handled it very well (maybe better than I did). We talked about how she had improved her time and about how she can improve her time for the next meet. We also talked about how much fun she had, and we told her how proud we were of her because she had worked so hard.

Good luck to your DD!

Denae

 

[mamacatnv]

IMO Learning to deal with disappointments is an ongoing life lesson.

I think your approch is great. What always bothers me is when kids do not succeed and parents make excuses or blame it on others. IMO that does not teach kids a lesson it teaches them to be victims.

Be honest with your kids. It's okay to tell them that so and so was better or that you know they really didn't put 100% effort into something and that even if they did sometimes that is not enough.

DD was picked to be on a "Jeopardy" team the end of this past school year as was her BFF - DD's team won, BFF was on a different team which lost and was crying, whining and saying how the questions really weren't fair etc. BFF's mother was also carrying on about how it wasn't fair etc. This bothered me, IMO the BFF has not learned how to be a gracious loser and geez I think I know why. Meanwhile DD is consoling her because DD has learned how to win and lose graciously.

My son made an All-Star baseball team once, never again.....sure we could have said it was politics or coaches favortism or any number of things, instead we told him that even tho he tried he was not All Star material this year and to try again next year and the year after etc. Meanwhile he and I went to all the tournament games and cheered on the players who made it. We got to hear parents whose kids didn't make it grumble and DS and I were sure to talk up the fact that the best players made the team.

He tried out for the Freshman baseball team and didn't make it, now he was devistated and disappointed beyond belief. The results were posted for the world to see but instead of being angry or throwing blame around he congratulated his friends and then went to the coach and asked what he could do to improve, the coach told him. DS made a personal resolve to make it the following year, he followed the coaches advice and he did make the team the next year.

In middle school he tried out for basketball and his BFF made the "A" team and he made the "B" team. His BFF was better and he knew it and accepted it.

Good luck I hope things work out but if they don't I think you have given your DD some really good support to help her move on

 

[mjkacmom]

My kids are used to these situations. Dd12 is involved in theater - sometimes you get the role, sometimes you don't. Ds11 played on 3 travel teams - now just 2 (got cut). Dd8 is into irish dancing, with many competitions throughout the year, dancing against over 20 girls, trophies for 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. They get scored, and you have to stand and wait while the results are posted. I think these lessons need to be learned early on. Good luck to her!

 

[Luv Bunnies]

My youngest son is 10. Fourth grade is the first year the kids have to write a speech for the district speech contest. My son wrote his all by himself and it was really good. He's also a little actor and he delivered it very well complete with a little drama and a little humor. Each 4th grade teacher had to choose 1 boy and 1 girl from their class to deliver their speeches to the entire school. A judging committee of teachers would decide which boy and girl from each grade level would represent the school at the district contest.

My son's teacher said she just couldn't choose between my son and another boy in his class so they both got to read their speeches to the school. When I picked my son up that day, he was pretty down. He said when he got in front of the school, he got a little nervous. Plus he said the podium was smaller than the one he'd used in class and he couldn't spread out his 3 pages of notes. He had to flip a page during the speech and accidently left a whole section out - and it was a great section about hitting his first fly ball in Little League. The other boy from his class was chosen to compete at the district level. My son was down in the dumps about it.

We told him he'd already done an awesome job. I said, "You got this far on your first try. Just think how well you can do next year and the years after that!" He started feeling a little better about it and now he's pumped to try again in 5th grade.

Kids bounce back pretty quickly. We probably dwell on things longer than they do. They have to learn to face disappointment sometime and all we can do is encourage them and help them through each situation.

 

[DWGal210]

I just wanted to say to all of you for teaching your kids about disappointment and how to deal with that. You're not only doing them a favor now in the short-term, but in the long-term, they'll deal that much better with relationships, school, jobs, etc...it's always frustrating trying to deal with a 40-year old who clearly was never told that the sun didn't revolve around them.

 

[Ember]

I agree with those who offered praise to those teaching their kids that disappointment happens and are teaching them how to deal with it. These kids will have coping skills in place as they get older and will have much less of a sense of entitlement.

 

[Erin1700]

Thanks guys! We wont know the outcome until next Thursday.

I think you guys are right about showing them how far they did come. I am going to stress that some more with her. Its a shame because this is going to come down to her and another girl. That girl is a nice kid, super nice parents and my Rachael said she would never pray against her. So, she is praying for a tie. (and I am too).

 

[redrosesix]

My DD remembers my father, who had MS, and how hard he struggled to do even small things -- she used to help him with a lot of these things. It really made her understand that it was the effort she put into things and what she learned from them that was important, not winning.

This really helped her to put things into perspective when she developed asthma -- everything just became so much harder when she wasn't breathing well, and there were many things she missed because she was sick so often for the first 2 years.

She now competes in baton twirling and does very well -- she has many trophies and medals, but very few mean anything to her. Not surprisingly, some of her favourites are not even 1st place ones -- they have other significance to her, like the one she got the first time she competed in a group routine. But I do try to reinforce this -- I always tell her I would be more proud of her if did her best and came last than if she didn't try at all and won. I hear her saying the same words to some of the younger girls, and at the last competition she gave away 3 of her trophies to the little ones -- she said they could have them until they got their own big trophies.

I think that dealing with disappointment is a learned skill and is important, but being able to take pride in oneself is also important -- not everybody can be the best at everything, and many things are worth doing just for enjoyment, or what you learn from them. DD now has several sports that she does not compete in.