tattletale issue

[crysplefty]

We have taught our DS4 that if someone hits, kicks, etc. him to tell an adult instead of retaliating back. Every time he does tell us when someone hits him DH tells him to stop tattling. So now, I believe, DS is confused in what he is supposed to do in this situation. I personally think that if we tell him not to hit back and instead inform an adult, then DH should not be telling him to quit tattling. Any advice from anyone who has dealt with this.

 

[Alexander]

I absolutely cannot stand tattling. My personal philosophy is if you aren't bleeding, nothing is broken, and you aren't dying--I don't want to hear about it. I know this is a pretty harsh stance, but tattle-tales make me crazy.

Sounds like your DS could use a little instruction in conflict resolution--he should try using his words with the person who is bothering him. Rather than telling every time or hitting back, he should learn how to verbally work out the situationl.

 

[vettechick99]

We tell our first graders that unless it is harming them in some way, it's tattling and we don't want to hear it. So yes, if they are being bullied or harmed, tell. Everything else, not important.

 

[squirrel]

Now that he is getting older have him tell the child to stop (whatever they are doing-hitting, kicking, etc) if the other child continues to hurt him then he should come and get a parent or other adults help.

You then are encouraging him to try to work out any of his problems himself and he knows he can get help if he needs to.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I work in a classroom of preschoolers. We tell the kids to let us know if someone hurts them and we don't consider it tattling. Four year olds don't have good conflict resolution skills yet and need to be guided through the situation. We will facilitate a conversation between the two kids having one say, "I don't like it when you hit me" and the other offering an apology and getting a warning (or time-out if it was a repeat offense). Sometimes a child comes running to us during clean-up time to report, "Matthew's not cleaning up!" We consider that to be tattling and we tell them to worry about themselves and don't tattle on others. The difference is that if someone is getting hurt, the kids need to tell us if we didn't see it happen. If someone is breaking the rules and not hurting anyone but themselves, that's tattling. Plus, the tattling child isn't cleaning up either if they're reporting to us!

 

[ncmickeyluvr]

I work in a classroom of preschoolers. We tell the kids to let us know if someone hurts them and we don't consider it tattling. Four year olds don't have good conflict resolution skills yet and need to be guided through the situation. We will facilitate a conversation between the two kids having one say, "I don't like it when you hit me" and the other offering an apology and getting a warning (or time-out if it was a repeat offense). Sometimes a child comes running to us during clean-up time to report, "Matthew's not cleaning up!" We consider that to be tattling and we tell them to worry about themselves and don't tattle on others. The difference is that if someone is getting hurt, the kids need to tell us if we didn't see it happen. If someone is breaking the rules and not hurting anyone but themselves, that's tattling. Plus, the tattling child isn't cleaning up either if they're reporting to us!

Excellent advice!!

 

[bushdianee]

I tell my class of first graders that there is "reporting" (when someone is hurting someone or someone could get hurt) and "tattling " (which covers pretty much anything else). I will listen to reporting but not to tattling.

 

[PollyannaMom]

...The difference is that if someone is getting hurt, the kids need to tell us...If someone is breaking the rules and not hurting anyone but themselves, that's tattling...

I agree. I've told kids "It's tattling if it only gets someone in trouble. It's "telling" if it gets someone out of worse trouble." But I like your explanation better for the little ones.

 

[Rylee]

Similar to a previous poster...

Tattling is to get someone into trouble.

Telling is to get someone out of trouble.


Role play with your 4 y/o and have him learn different ways of trying to handle these situations, such as... using words to tell the other child to stop, or removing himself from the situation, etc. The age of the child doing the hitting should also be considered... a 2 y/o still needs to be taught, an 8 y/o hitting a 4 y/o is being a bully.

When someone is being hurt, we don't consider it tattling. Also, when something, anything, is bothering my children, I want them to know they can always come to me. Your DH might be sending the wrong message.

 

[bumbershoot]

Since you've told him to tell you, your husband needs to STOP calling him names when he does what you tell him.


I personally don't get the problem with "tattling". Oh wait, I get that adults don't like whining, and often kids labeled as "tattletales" talk in a whiney nasty little voice... But the actual telling about a situation to an adult...well I personally can't see what's wrong with that.

Perhaps adults feel it wastes their time? Not sure.

But if a child is having a hard time dealing with a situation (they are doing work, their neighbor isn't...someone is bugging them...etc etc etc), I think its a PERFECT time for that child to go and check in with a trusted adult, to find out how to deal with that situation better in the future.


And for the record, I wasn't a "tattletale" or a teller...I was too stinkin' shy to do any of that, though I did notice the kids who were interfering with my work/concentration/etc, and surely wished that someone would speak up so that kids disrupting the class would STOP!

 

[princessmom29]

I don't like tattling, not because I don't want to be bothered, but because DD needs to learn that some things are just none of her business. "johnny is not cleaning up" is tattling and does not concern her. "they won't play with me" is also tattling. Kids have to learn to work things out amoung themselves to some degree. She has to learn that she cannot control everyone's actions and everyone is not going to do exactly what she thinks they should at all times. You just have to deal with it and move on. "Johnny hit me, and won't stop" is telling me she needs help and not tattling. She absolutely should tell and adult if she is being physically hurt. It is an important social skill to learn the difference.

 

[debbiecarr98]

I dont know though, I like the general philosophies of some of the pp's, however, there are other instances I think warrant telling. I just posted on another board about a whole drama that we are going through with my daughters friend having cut her american girl dolls hair and she didnt tattle or tell me right away becuase she didnt want the girl to have to go home.
This is just an example of course, but I think there are lots of other ones.

 

[monkey30]

There seems to be a fine line, and a lot of people really need to relax about tattling. It is annoying but if u tell a kid just to stop it and not explain why (especially a 4yr old) they will just continue to do it.

We are battling this issue, my son has been labled a tattle tale, because he was being bullied and told the teacher and they said it was harmless name calling. Not so harmless when my sons confidence and selfesteam is lowered.

 

[Stephres]

Tattling is to get someone into trouble.

Telling is to get someone out of trouble.

This is exactly what I tell kids. If your son is telling that someone is hitting him to get that kid in trouble, he is tattling. If he doesn't know how to solve the problem and he is hurt or upset, then he is telling. It might be difficult or easy to see his intention. I usually ask the kid to tell me if they are telling me to get someone in trouble or to get someone (or themselves) out of trouble. They can usually figure it out. Some conflicts need your intervention, but he does need to learn to figure things out on his own too. I definitely wouldn't call him names though!