talking with Teen DD about dating

[mjkacmom]

I think it's a bad foundation for a relationship, if you go into it assuming it won't work out. Why even bother, then?

I'm not sure anyone, of any age, should embark on a relationship with the conviction that this is The One, as that seems like a heck of a lot of pressure to put on someone you barely know. But, at the same time, I also think no one of any age should start a relationship believing that it's just "practice" for a "real relationship" with someone else some time in the future. It may be that I'm missing something, but I sure don't want to be someone's "practice dummy" when it comes to relationships, so I don't think I should use someone else that way either.



Absolutely! Honest and open communication is the key to everything.

I think that dating several people is healthy, a good learning tool. Dd20 has had three long term relationships (ranging from 1+ years to almost 3). The first one taught her that clingy guys aren't fun, the second set the bar pretty high, but it's sometimes hard to balance a long distance relationship in college, and the third was that you can have a no pressure relationship, just for fun, even without a future. You learn what you can put up with (no one is perfect), and what are deal breakers, so you will know when you meet someone you are very compatible with.

 

[MamaBelle4]

As for birth control pills, shots, etc, that's something you really need to discuss with your doctor. He or she can answer all of your questions and concerns.

I really really think the whole reason I have so much trepidation about BC is I just don't trust something that stops the way your body is supposed to work. I know that's not exactly reasonable. It just makes me uncomfortable and I don't want to pass that down to my girls. I want them to do what is best for them.

 

[mom2rtk]

I really really think the whole reason I have so much trepidation about BC is I just don't trust something that stops the way your body is supposed to work. I know that's not exactly reasonable. It just makes me uncomfortable and I don't want to pass that down to my girls. I want them to do what is best for them.

When my body was left to its own devices, it created scar tissue that resulted in both tubes being blocked by the time I was 20.

Your best bet is to find a doctor you trust and seek their counsel on this when the time comes.

 

[Magpie]

I think that dating several people is healthy, a good learning tool. Dd20 has had three long term relationships (ranging from 1+ years to almost 3). The first one taught her that clingy guys aren't fun, the second set the bar pretty high, but it's sometimes hard to balance a long distance relationship in college, and the third was that you can have a no pressure relationship, just for fun, even without a future. You learn what you can put up with (no one is perfect), and what are deal breakers, so you will know when you meet someone you are very compatible with.

I agree that having relationships with several people over the course of your life time can be good life experience, too, though it's hardly required. Confession: I only dated one guy before my husband, and I all did with him was kiss. I was somehow able to figure out who I was most compatible with, without having to run through a string of different guys, and I suspect I'm not the only one. That said, there's really no right or wrong here.

Many people have relationships that don't work out in the long run, despite all their good intentions and optimism at the beginning of things. And in many cases, they learn valuable lessons from these relationships. And that's great!

What I object to is the offhand dismissal of young relationships and the way we encourage our young people not to take them seriously. I worry that it encourages game playing (after all, what do her feelings matter, if the relationship isn't going to last anyway?), and disrespect (it's not like it means anything).

I think, whenever people embark on a long term relationship (versus a casual hookup), they should go into it with good intentions, good will, and a real desire to make it work. If it ultimately doesn't work out, that's just fine. You tried. Your partner (hopefully!) tried. So take what lessons from it that you can, and try again.

 

[CarolAnn856]

I agree that having relationships with several people over the course of your life time can be good life experience, too, though it's hardly required. Confession: I only dated one guy before my husband, and I all did with him was kiss. I was somehow able to figure out who I was most compatible with, without having to run through a string of different guys, and I suspect I'm not the only one. That said, there's really no right or wrong here.

Many people have relationships that don't work out in the long run, despite all their good intentions and optimism at the beginning of things. And in many cases, they learn valuable lessons from these relationships. And that's great!

What I object to is the offhand dismissal of young relationships and the way we encourage our young people not to take them seriously. I worry that it encourages game playing (after all, what do her feelings matter, if the relationship isn't going to last anyway?), and disrespect (it's not like it means anything).

I think, whenever people embark on a long term relationship (versus a casual hookup), they should go into it with good intentions, good will, and a real desire to make it work. If it ultimately doesn't work out, that's just fine. You tried. Your partner (hopefully!) tried. So take what lessons from it that you can, and try again.

First, there is a lot of room between casual hook-ups and long-term relationships. And second, yet again, you absolutely can have respect, goog intentions, and good will all while acknowledging that a young romance does not have to have an LTR as the hope or goal.

I believe that encouraging teens to look at every relationship as potentially The One is what creates too much pressure. We obviously won't agree on this sibject overall, so I'll be happy to suggest that we agree to disagree. Everyone has their own perspectives.

 

[Magpie]

.

First, there is a lot of room between casual hook-ups and long-term relationships. And second, yet again, you absolutely can have respect, goog intentions, and good will all while acknowledging that a young romance does not have to have an LTR as the hope or goal.

I believe that encouraging teens to look at every relationship as potentially The One is what creates too much pressure. We obviously won't agree on this sibject overall, so I'll be happy to suggest that we agree to disagree. Everyone has their own perspectives.

It's possible we agree more than it appears.

Firstly, I don't think we should encourage anyone to look at every relationship as "The One". I've seen a lady in her sixties repeatedly fall for "The One" (who never turns out to be "The One") and it's no better at that age, than it is at sixteen. "The One" is something that can only be slowly discovered over decades, not announced at the beginning of anything. So we absolutely agree on this!

And secondly, I also see absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging that a romance (young OR old) does not have to have a LTR as the goal. That's entirely between the couple. What I object to is the automatic dismissal of every young romance as "just practice" and "not the real thing".

Imagine if we told our kids, every time they made a new friend, "Oh, don't get too attached to your new little friend. It's not going to last. You're only going to be friends with this person for a year or two and then you'll move on to your REAL friends. The ones that matter." And then imagine how much worse it would be if our kids internalized that message. "I don't have to worry about being a good friend, because this friendship isn't going to last. It's not real. It's just for fun." Sure, most people aren't in touch with their childhood friends any more, but that doesn't mean they were any less important than their adult friends. We encourage our children to take their childhood friendships seriously, because we know that they set the pattern for how they'll behave toward their friends when they grow up.

It's hard to send the message that respect in relationships is important, when we're also telling our kids that their very first relationships don't matter.

 

[CarolAnn856]

.


It's possible we agree more than it appears.

Firstly, I don't think we should encourage anyone to look at every relationship as "The One". I've seen a lady in her sixties repeatedly fall for "The One" (who never turns out to be "The One") and it's no better at that age, than it is at sixteen. "The One" is something that can only be slowly discovered over decades, not announced at the beginning of anything. So we absolutely agree on this!

And secondly, I also see absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging that a romance (young OR old) does not have to have a LTR as the goal. That's entirely between the couple. What I object to is the automatic dismissal of every young romance as "just practice" and "not the real thing".

Imagine if we told our kids, every time they made a new friend, "Oh, don't get too attached to your new little friend. It's not going to last. You're only going to be friends with this person for a year or two and then you'll move on to your REAL friends. The ones that matter." And then imagine how much worse it would be if our kids internalized that message. "I don't have to worry about being a good friend, because this friendship isn't going to last. It's not real. It's just for fun." Sure, most people aren't in touch with their childhood friends any more, but that doesn't mean they were any less important than their adult friends. We encourage our children to take their childhood friendships seriously, because we know that they set the pattern for how they'll behave toward their friends when they grow up.

It's hard to send the message that respect in relationships is important, when we're also telling our kids that their very first relationships don't matter.

I think, perhaps, part of the problem is that we are defining "just practice" in different ways. I never said that young relationships don't matter. They do, very much, just as one's first job can be looked at as practice or training for another one later on. You put effort, time, and care into your first job, just as you put effort, time, and care into your first relationships. They help teens build relationship skills and learn what they want from a relationship. Telling them that these relationships aren't likely to last has no bearing on how well they treat their boyfriend/girlfriend. If it does, then frankly that teen needs to grow up a bit more before entering a relationship.

 

[Magpie]

I think, perhaps, part of the problem is that we are defining "just practice" in different ways. I never said that young relationships don't matter. They do, very much, just as one's first job can be looked at as practice or training for another one later on. You put effort, time, and care into your first job, just as you put effort, time, and care into your first relationships. They help teens build relationship skills and learn what they want from a relationship. Telling them that these relationships aren't likely to last has no bearing on how well they treat their boyfriend/girlfriend. If it does, then frankly that teen needs to grow up a bit more before entering a relationship.

That does make it clearer! I think that as long as you acknowledge that these relationships do matter, and may indeed last the ages (as several posters on here have attested to) even if most young relationships don't, then it's all good.

 

[CarolAnn856]

That does make it clearer! I think that as long as you acknowledge that these relationships do matter, and may indeed last the ages (as several posters on here have attested to) even if most young relationships don't, then it's all good.

Agreed. Like I said, I never claimed that they don't matter, and I didn't get that impression from the other posters, either. I mentioned on, I think, klayfish's thread, that my husband and I have been together since we were college freshmen, so since we were 18. So I truly know that a teen romance can last! That being said, though, we've told our own kids that we are the exception, not the rule.

 

[jt'smom]

FWIW-I was in middle school in (Southern) California in the mid-90s. Middle school students were having sex then and talking about it. Middle schools in CA had dances, so kids were "paired up." Middle school is puberty, that is why those things start happening, not because you live in the South.

I'm not a moron, I wasn't insinuating that the South is the reason kids starting having sex. My point was that in the South, at least parts of it anyway, the culture is very geared towards pairing up from an extremely young age, and society places a high value on the importance of being hooked up. If you are pushing kids together right at an age where their hormones are raging, then of course they are going to have sex. For that matter, I was a middle-schooler in the South in the mid '70's and our parties always consisted of Spin the Bottle, and Postoffice, or the infamous 7 Minutes in Heaven, lol. Pretty much everyone I knew had been to "third base" by the end of 7th grade. Kids have been doing that mess forever, way before the advent of cable, internet or social media. That is why it is SO important to be talking about sex from very early ages.