talking with Teen DD about dating

[The Mystery Machine]

I need to talk with DD16 about dating (She is in her first "real" relationship). She and her boyfriend need to have some limits set. Here's what I have for my talking points so far.

I think that if I have this conversation with her, it will be easier for her to have the confidence needed when it's necessary. She needs to know what to expect in regards to dating and how she can a) prevent any unexpected situations, and b) know how to deal with things if they happen to find themselves pushing the limits.


Boundaries: They may hang out in the public places of our home. They may not hang out in the game room unless others are in there too. He is not allowed in her bedroom. She may not have male guests over if there is not a parent present. She may not visit his house if there is not a parent present. She must remain in the public areas of his home as well.

Respect: They must both respect each other. They must not accept or inflict pressure on each other. If one is unsure of the other's feelings on a matter, then they must back off.
Being safe: If you are not ready to be safe, then you are not ready. Intimacy is certain to change the dynamics of a relationship. If you are not ready for that change, then you are not ready.

Privacy: Intimacy occurs within a loving and committed relationship between two people and only two people. It is not something to be discussed with your friends, ever. As you well know, your friends will tell other people too (DD has told us about a friend of hers that has gone wild with her behavior...can't believe DD told us, but this is evidence that anybody will tell what they know). You do not want others knowing these details about you. Talk about embarrassing! If you are not 100% certain that intimacy and privacy is guaranteed, then you are not ready.

Thoughts?

My mother never talked to me about dating relationships. I did not understand that things can go from 0 to 60 in a second. I did not know how to slow things down, or stop for that matter. I did not have the confidence needed to make good decisions and I gave in to pressure.

I want my DD to at least know I'm on her side about these things.

The "game room" rule seems a bit excessive esp. if that is where the kids hang and play games, watch Tv, etc.

Also, the "she may not be over at a house when there is no parent present" is out of your control. At 16 & up most parents allow kids in their homes without supervision. I would say this rule is going to be almost impossible to enforce because you are not going to know if parents are present 100% of the time.

A pp poster stated you are setting your dd up to lie, is spot on.

I would address INTERNET rules with relationships. No taking naked pics and sending them and if he sends them you can get into trouble, like LEGAL trouble.

Can she share her PHONE with him? Weird rules too think about but my 20yo dd assures me that this in something of concern in the young relationships of today.

For some reason "dating someone" seems to give the person carte blanche to dig into the significant other's phone.

Bottom line you can talk rules but you have to open up the discussion with her and discuss what will happen if she BREAKS the rules. You have to have the consequences discussed.

If you are strict you will need this to be written down and discussed with your dd so there are no misunderstandings. Believe me, a teen can get a lot of mileage out gray area rules. Just saying, lol.

My dd's are 26 and 20.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

The "game room" rule seems a bit excessive esp. if that is where the kids hang and play games, watch Tv, etc.

Also, the "she may not be over at a house when there is no parent present" is out of your control. At 16 & up most parents allow kids in their homes without supervision. I would say this rule is going to be almost impossible to enforce because you are not going to know if parents are present 100% of the time.

I would address INTERNET rules with relationships. No taking naked pics and sending them and if he sends them you can get into trouble, like LEGAL trouble.

Can she share her PHONE with him? Weird rules too think about but my 20yo dd assures me that this in something of concern in the young relationships of today.

For some reason "dating someone" seems to give the person carte blanche to dig into the significant other's phone.

Bottom line you can talk rules but you have to open up the discussion with her and discuss what will happen if she BREAKS the rules. You have to have the consequences discussed.

If you are strict you will need this to be written down and discussed with your dd so there are no misunderstandings. Believe me, a teen can get a lot of mileage out gray area rules. Just saying, lol.

My dd's are 26 and 20.

Apparently this is how you prove your "loyalty" now. If you have a lock on your phone your SO should know the code or it shows you have something to hide. If you are secretive with your phone it shows you must be cheating.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Apparently this is how you prove your "loyalty" now. If you have a lock on your phone your SO should know the code or it shows you have something to hide. If you are secretive with your phone it shows you must be cheating.

Right.

Not sure how to address that one. Any young adults care to weigh in on this one?

 

[Magpie]

Right.

Not sure how to address that one. Any young adults care to weigh in on this one?

Interesting. I've never looked at my husband's phone, or even my kids' phones for that matter. And they've never looked at mine. We taught them both never to share their passwords with us or anyone else, and they've never given us reason to regret that.

I asked my daughter (21) about this, and she said, "Different people have different boundaries and expectations for privacy. Part of being in a healthy relationship means respecting those boundaries."

I think she's right on target!

 

[mombrontrent]

I never look on my Dh's phone and he never looks on mine. I have no reason to and no desire to. I don't know the passwords to my teens phones and I have no desire to. My dd and her boyfriend both almost 15, know each other's passwords and are on each others phones all the time. It's no big deal to them I guess.

 

[gotomu212]

Apparently this is how you prove your "loyalty" now. If you have a lock on your phone your SO should know the code or it shows you have something to hide. If you are secretive with your phone it shows you must be cheating.

This drives me crazy. We try to teach and model that being private is not the same thing as being secretive, and the boundaries of controlling behavior. Just for a broad example my husband and I don't have secrets from each other but neither of us wants to share bathroom time together and I keep a journal that I don't want him reading. I think it's important for everyone to know that you don't need complete access to someone's every move and thought in order to trust them.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Phones are a real biggie.... Not only with boyfriend/girlfriends, but with parents and kids.
I have known a very abusive controlling father who has to have constant access to his teens phones, and was even always taking the phones and only lets them use them with total over-the-shoulder supervision.

I would see that kind of lack of respect for privacy as a real problem.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I think it's about maturity. If you feel the need to go into your BF or GF's phone maybe you aren't ready to be in a relationship or shouldn't be in a relationship with them. (playing on eachother's phones with different apps is different)

 

[javeyloveschelsi]

4. I would say to her, "Remember, high school boys are not forever. They are Dr. Seuss books, real mates are novels. Go to college. Assure your career. Figure out who YOU are. Then, find someone who complements that. Everyone else is just....pr

I find this to be a very interesting comment, mostly because I am married to the same guy I was with in high school (been married almost 11 years) as are several people I know who are married to their high school sweethearts (and we are a fairly young crowd). When our DD begins dating, we won't dismiss her feelings as just a "young, stupid love" and ignore it, but plan to help guide her towards making the right decisions for her--and she already is aware of what we would like to see for her and her future including college expectations.

 

[wilkeliza]

Right.

Not sure how to address that one. Any young adults care to weigh in on this one?

I hope I'm still a young adult (later 20s haha) but my fiance and I each know the others phone passwords and have our finger/thumb prints programed in. With that said we have also been together 7 years and that was not always the case. Everything being on phones now can create a lot of issues especially around trust but I would say now to teach your children to trust their partners. I have trust issues so I have to be honest with my fiance on why and if things are bothering me. Part of that opened up our communication. Most of my trust comes from the fact I had a dad who cheated and lied and was abusive. So even though I know all guys aren't like that when you are raised in a culture that says "do what you want just don't bring that crap home" then you pretty much don't trust male partners at all. So on top of trust a big thing is communication. Empowering both parties to feel like they can say hey wait I don't feel comfortable with xyz can we discuss it. Now at teenagers that is very different then what I think adult relationship should include. For teens nobody gets to say who you are friends with but as significant others in adult hood I do think you get to say look I'm not okay with you staying up late at night chatting with so and so about things you don't even talk to me about. Of course not everyone agrees with that so it is up to each individual to determine the line and that line comes with maturity.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I find this to be a very interesting comment, mostly because I am married to the same guy I was with in high school (been married almost 11 years) as are several people I know who are married to their high school sweethearts (and we are a fairly young crowd). When our DD begins dating, we won't dismiss her feelings as just a "young, stupid love" and ignore it, but plan to help guide her towards making the right decisions for her--and she already is aware of what we would like to see for her and her future including college expectations.

You're the exception to the rule. Most people do not end up with their high school sweethearts. I believe I read 10% of people marry their HS sweetheart and out of that a very high percentage end up divorced.

I married my HS sweetheart and divorced at 27. From my HS class only one person is still with their HS sweetheart.

I would encourage my kids not to get too serious with someone they "love" in HS. It usually doesn't work out. Keep your options open. You are too young to settle all the way down.

 

[Magpie]

You're the exception to the rule. Most people do not end up with their high school sweethearts. I believe I read 10% of people marry their HS sweetheart and out of that a very high percentage end up divorced.

I married my HS sweetheart and divorced at 27. From my HS class only one person is still with their HS sweetheart.

I would encourage my kids not to get too serious with someone they "love" in HS. It usually doesn't work out. Keep your options open. You are too young to settle all the way down.

See, the flip side is, I don't want some other kid deciding that my child is "just for practice", a "Dr. Seuss book", or someone they shouldn't get "too serious" about.

I told my kids to be respectful and treat the people they dated and treat them the way they want to be treated themselves.

Because I don't think it's right to use other people, with the expectation that you'll be discarding them at some point. I also don't think we should be getting into intimate relationships while intentionally holding back and refusing to commit ourselves emotionally.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

This and I'll add that my parents were very traditional and not the "I'm your friend" type, however my mother made it very clear that if I was every in a dangerous situation (drinking, people doing drugs, sex) I could call and they would come help without punishment. This saved me from getting in a car driven by a drunk friend that had a serious accident. I am forever grateful that I felt safe calling home for a ride and while my mom wasn't happy to pick up a drunk 17 year old it may have saved my life....and then we had a very very long conversation about drinking.

It's hard to manage the parenting/discipline part with an emerging adult who isn't around you and under your control 24/7. The more you make it about being a safe person to talk to and discuss values and less about what she is or isn't allowed to do the better I think.

Yep, our kids only had to call and say "X" (and later, when pagers and cell phones came along, a page or text with just that letter) and we would come no matter what. We also have told them that they can use us for any excuse to say no or I have to go home or whatever. No parenting or yelling or fighting, we were there.

We started talking to our kids when they were preteens, in the throes of puberty, just to get that line of communication open.

With the girls, we did talk about BC, and told them we would get them whatever kind of BC that their doctor helped them choose, but that they also needed to make sure "bag it" was always enforced.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

I meant make sure she adds condoms to her list of birth control to talk about, not just putting her daughter on birth control pills. Girls can buy condoms just as easily as boys can, so no, it doesn't put the decision 100% on the male.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

See, the flip side is, I don't want some other kid deciding that my child is "just for practice", a "Dr. Seuss book", or someone they shouldn't get "too serious" about.

I told my kids to be respectful and treat the people they dated and treat them the way they want to be treated themselves.

Because I don't think it's right to use other people, with the expectation that you'll be discarding them at some point. I also don't think we should be getting into intimate relationships while intentionally holding back and refusing to commit ourselves emotionally.

Lots of people casually date. They just need to be open about it.

 

[MamaBelle4]

I am archaic in my beliefs, I know that. Birth control scares me. I don't trust something that prevents my body from working the way it should. Plus there have been studies that indicate the type of partner you choose on birth control is different than when you aren't. And then you have the commercials for the new miracle birth control then 2 years later major lawsuits. What about the seeming increase in infertility? Are birth controls hormonal or non hormonal now?

I know I probably sound crazy, but I have 4 (little) girls. DH and I used condoms until we were ready for kids. But I want to give them all the options (at an appropriate age) to be in control. My parents never discussed anything with me (well, my mom drug me in the bathroom every time my first boyfriend came over and told me we better not be having sex, which we weren't) and I personally think my in laws were a little too encouraging. I'd like to find a place where the girls know their father and I are there for them regardless. But I would hesitate to put my children on BC because of my personal concerns with it.

Any advice?

ETA: I have already told my children that NO ONE has a right to touch them in any way that makes them uncomfortable. Their bodies are theirs alone and if someone does something they're to tell a grown up they trust right away.

 

[mom2rtk]

I am archaic in my beliefs, I know that. Birth control scares me. I don't trust something that prevents my body from working the way it should. Plus there have been studies that indicate the type of partner you choose on birth control is different than when you aren't. And then you have the commercials for the new miracle birth control then 2 years later major lawsuits. What about the seeming increase in infertility? Are birth controls hormonal or non hormonal now?

I know I probably sound crazy, but I have 4 (little) girls. DH and I used condoms until we were ready for kids. But I want to give them all the options (at an appropriate age) to be in control. My parents never discussed anything with me (well, my mom drug me in the bathroom every time my first boyfriend came over and told me we better not be having sex, which we weren't) and I personally think my in laws were a little too encouraging. I'd like to find a place where the girls know their father and I are there for them regardless. But I would hesitate to put my children on BC because of my personal concerns with it.

Any advice?

Don't generalize. Some BC actually helps preserve fertility. If my daughter has the issues I did, I'll put her on the pill merely for the purpose of preserving her fertility.

When the time comes, ask a trusted doctor.

 

[CarolAnn856]

See, the flip side is, I don't want some other kid deciding that my child is "just for practice", a "Dr. Seuss book", or someone they shouldn't get "too serious" about.

I told my kids to be respectful and treat the people they dated and treat them the way they want to be treated themselves.

Because I don't think it's right to use other people, with the expectation that you'll be discarding them at some point. I also don't think we should be getting into intimate relationships while intentionally holding back and refusing to commit ourselves emotionally.

Who ever said that seeing a high school boyfriend or girlfriend as probably not The One and treating them with respect are mutually exclusive?

 

[Magpie]

Who ever said that seeing a high school boyfriend or girlfriend as probably not The One and treating them with respect are mutually exclusive?

I think it's a bad foundation for a relationship, if you go into it assuming it won't work out. Why even bother, then?

I'm not sure anyone, of any age, should embark on a relationship with the conviction that this is The One, as that seems like a heck of a lot of pressure to put on someone you barely know. But, at the same time, I also think no one of any age should start a relationship believing that it's just "practice" for a "real relationship" with someone else some time in the future. It may be that I'm missing something, but I sure don't want to be someone's "practice dummy" when it comes to relationships, so I don't think I should use someone else that way either.

Lots of people casually date. They just need to be open about it.

Absolutely! Honest and open communication is the key to everything.

 

[Magpie]

I am archaic in my beliefs, I know that. Birth control scares me. I don't trust something that prevents my body from working the way it should. Plus there have been studies that indicate the type of partner you choose on birth control is different than when you aren't. And then you have the commercials for the new miracle birth control then 2 years later major lawsuits. What about the seeming increase in infertility? Are birth controls hormonal or non hormonal now?

I know I probably sound crazy, but I have 4 (little) girls. DH and I used condoms until we were ready for kids. But I want to give them all the options (at an appropriate age) to be in control. My parents never discussed anything with me (well, my mom drug me in the bathroom every time my first boyfriend came over and told me we better not be having sex, which we weren't) and I personally think my in laws were a little too encouraging. I'd like to find a place where the girls know their father and I are there for them regardless. But I would hesitate to put my children on BC because of my personal concerns with it.

Any advice?

ETA: I have already told my children that NO ONE has a right to touch them in any way that makes them uncomfortable. Their bodies are theirs alone and if someone does something they're to tell a grown up they trust right away.

What we tell our kindergarten kids at church is...

NO! If someone is making you unhappy or uncomfortable, tell them NO!

STOP! If the person doesn't stop what they're doing, tell them STOP!

GO! Go and tell a trusted adult. (And then we help them identify the trusted adults in their lives.)

NO! STOP! GO! is a great little lesson that applies to everything from schoolyard conflicts to sexual assault.

As for birth control pills, shots, etc, that's something you really need to discuss with your doctor. He or she can answer all of your questions and concerns. I have had friends who've had to go onto BC pills for medical reasons when they were teenagers. There can be very good reasons for being on it, and it's quite safe these days. I used it myself, and after 24 very happy years of marriage now... I'm pretty sure it didn't lead me wrong in my choice of partner. No issues with fertility, either.