Talk to me about your 11-year old and bravery.

[emer95]

I know kids are all different, obviously. I'm just wondering if mine is REALLY different or not. My daughter is definitely on the shy, timid side.I believe it's my job to help her move past it and find ways to deal with her fears.

I recently hurt my ankle and doing small tasks has become a huge pain in the butt. We have a tiny corner store that we go to all the time. There are stairs to climb up to enter it, and with my hurt ankle it has been hard on me. The other day we needed milk, and I asked my 11 year old to run in and buy it for me. It would take me 10 minutes to do it, but ti would take her 30 seconds. She looked panic-stricken and close to tears and said, "All by myself? I can't go in there alone!" My 9 year old said, "Give me a break! I'll do it." And she grabbed the 5 dollar bill, went in and bought the milk as if it was no big deal. I knew my older daughter felt ashamed by the whole thing. I kept asking her what she thought was going to happen in the store, but she just said she was afraid to go in without me.

So last night, same scenario but my younger daughter wasn't with us. This time I got frustrated and was firm with her and ended up sort of yelling, "Just go!" She gave me the mother of all dirty looks but she did it. Good grief!


So, would your 11-year old go into a small, familiar store alone and buy something, or am I asking too much?

 

[Tinijocaro]

My 14 year old ds won't go in the basement alone, adctually, non of his younger siblings will either. I don't force it-their fears are real. I do understand your frustration though.

 

[jackemail]

My 14 year old ds won't go in the basement alone, adctually, non of his younger siblings will either. I don't force it-their fears are real. I do understand your frustration though.

Yesterday, my 11 year old would not go into Walgreen's alone, to buy herself a magazine, with me sitting in the car outside. Today, she is on the way to Washington D.C., flying alone (on a non-stop flight and identified as an unaccompanied minor, being met at the gate by her aunt).

Go figure.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Every child is different. I don't think it has anything at all to do with bravery or weakness, just comfort zone and personality. My 12 year old DS is a huge kid, but wants nothing to do with stuff like you mentioned while my 11 year old DD has no trouble taking command. I have been working with my DS on this for a while now and just this past week settled him in for a haircut then left him alone to get my DD from school and ran back for him. He didn't want me to do it but I did and he was fine. I know for many kids it's no biggie but for my DS it was a huge step. I have no idea why it's such an issue for him, but it worries me that he doesn't trust himself as much as I trust him so I'm working on it even though he has no idea. Recently, I have begun to let him go to movies alone with friends ect so he will get a taste for freedom and independence on his terms and it's working. I think that once he is comfortable doing the stuff he wants to do alone the other stuff will all just slide into place.

 

[mom2travel]

I know kids are all different, obviously. I'm just wondering if mine is REALLY different or not. My daughter is definitely on the shy, timid side.I believe it's my job to help her move past it and find ways to deal with her fears.

I recently hurt my ankle and doing small tasks has become a huge pain in the butt. We have a tiny corner store that we go to all the time. There are stairs to climb up to enter it, and with my hurt ankle it has been hard on me. The other day we needed milk, and I asked my 11 year old to run in and buy it for me. It would take me 10 minutes to do it, but ti would take her 30 seconds. She looked panic-stricken and close to tears and said, "All by myself? I can't go in there alone!" My 9 year old said, "Give me a break! I'll do it." And she grabbed the 5 dollar bill, went in and bought the milk as if it was no big deal. I knew my older daughter felt ashamed by the whole thing. I kept asking her what she thought was going to happen in the store, but she just said she was afraid to go in without me.

So last night, same scenario but my younger daughter wasn't with us. This time I got frustrated and was firm with her and ended up sort of yelling, "Just go!" She gave me the mother of all dirty looks but she did it. Good grief!


So, would your 11-year old go into a small, familiar store alone and buy something, or am I asking too much?

My DD(10) would do it, and DS when that age would have also. Just last week, I pulled up to the store and DD ran in to return a DVD. And we've walked for ice cream with the dog, and I've waited outside while she has gone in to order and pay. Our kids have also been in situations where they were with me and paid for items at a store themselves. Has your DD done that before? Maybe it is a matter of gently expanding her comfort zone?

Talk about it casually... pick out what you would like to buy, wait in line to pay, give the cashier the money, wait for change, take you bag and say thank you. Maybe she would feel more comfortable if she had a list like that in her head to help. Also, some kids are not comfortbable speaking up to adults. Let her know that it is ok to talk to the people who work in the store.

I wouldn't force the issue too fast. Obviously, you had an emergency situation where you needed her help. How was she after she came out? Maybe since she did it once, now is the time to increase her exposure and help her with other similar situations

Good luck

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

My 12 year old is way more cautious than my 6 yo .

But yes my 12 yo DS would go in a store by himself, no problem.

 

[golfgal]

Heck yes, they all would have, but then again, they were given a lot of freedom at a young age and it wouldn't have phased them in the slightest to run an errand like that, and they often did. Now that they are older and our oldest is driving the do a large portion of our errand running for us.

Since your 9 year old is more comfortable doing these things, have them go together so your 11 year old gets used to the idea.

Our kids always charged us a candy bar to do this though .

 

[LisaR]

Is this her only big issue? If she is just afraid to run into places alone, I don't think that is at all unusual. My kids didn't have a problem with that but every kid is different. Maybe she has watched/read the news a little too much or watched some scary TV shows that have caused her to have this issue. I like the idea of sending her in with the younger child. I assume she goes off to school without any issues and plays with friends in the neighborhood? This fear of hers hasn't left her paralyzed and turned her into a hermit? We all have our own little issues and if this is her only thing, I wouldn't be concerned. Work with her to make her feel at ease but she has plenty of years left to learn to venture out on her own.

 

[Magic Mom]

I know kids are all different, obviously. I'm just wondering if mine is REALLY different or not. My daughter is definitely on the shy, timid side.I believe it's my job to help her move past it and find ways to deal with her fears.

I recently hurt my ankle and doing small tasks has become a huge pain in the butt. We have a tiny corner store that we go to all the time. There are stairs to climb up to enter it, and with my hurt ankle it has been hard on me. The other day we needed milk, and I asked my 11 year old to run in and buy it for me. It would take me 10 minutes to do it, but ti would take her 30 seconds. She looked panic-stricken and close to tears and said, "All by myself? I can't go in there alone!" My 9 year old said, "Give me a break! I'll do it." And she grabbed the 5 dollar bill, went in and bought the milk as if it was no big deal. I knew my older daughter felt ashamed by the whole thing. I kept asking her what she thought was going to happen in the store, but she just said she was afraid to go in without me.

So last night, same scenario but my younger daughter wasn't with us. This time I got frustrated and was firm with her and ended up sort of yelling, "Just go!" She gave me the mother of all dirty looks but she did it. Good grief!


So, would your 11-year old go into a small, familiar store alone and buy something, or am I asking too much?

My DD would have, but all kids are different so it's not fair to compare. I do think it was fine that you made her go in though. I think it's good to make shy kids face their fears and this was a good , small, easy step. She was already familiar with the store, your order was small and you were right outside. If you keep making her face her fears in small easy ways like this, it will help build her confidence.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

As an 11 year old I biked 2 miles to the store to buy things for myself, but then I was probably what you would consider to be a brave kid. You're doing exactly what you need to. Do it more. Teach her how to pump gas, then never pump your own again. Put her in a babysitting class then offer her services up to your friends. Is she in a sport or other activity? If not get her in one and, more importantly, leave. Don't stick around and watch. Oh and summer camp. I learned everything I ever needed to know about life from sleepaway camp.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Some kids need some courage (or really it is anxiety if you want to get technical) and you have to build up doing things that are unfamiliar.

My oldest had no trouble doing it but my youngest who is 13 is nervous. However she is getting better with small steps. Look for teachable moments.

 

[dis-happy]

I wouldn't be upset with her...once I was that shy kid and she probably has more fears than you can imagine. In high school my mom dropped me off for a hair appt. and told me to ask to use the phone there to call her when I was done. I was so mortified! Just give it time and encourage her...eventually she'll grow out of it. I learned to be outgoing by college.

 

[FoundMyPrince]

My DD10 wouldn't have a problem with it. However, DS8 would be scared to death. We purposely have him do things that are out of his comfort level. Near his school is a small post office and I will stop about once a week and have him go in, buy a stamp and mail the bill. When we first began doing this he was almost in tears, now he is comfortable with it and knows he can keep the change! We're trying to do this at several area stores (returning movies, paying for gas, etc.). Our DD10 is such a take charge kind of little lady that our DS could get by doing nothing on his own if we wouldn't make him.

 

[MiniGirl]

I understand the frustration, but don't forget the praise, too.

Tell her you know it was hard for her, but that it was a huge help to you and that you are proud of her for stepping out of that comfort zone to help you. Stuff like that goes a long way with my timid dd.

 

[emer95]

Thank you everyone for the great advice! I really appreciate it.

 

[minkydog]

Awww, poor kid. Try not to be too hard on her. I was the same way, even into my 30s. I can't describe the feeling of panic when I had to buy something, or talk to someone on the phone that I didn't know or even order in a restaurant. I have no idea why. My youngest sister was the same way. We both grew up to have anxiety disorders, which are managed with medication now. I no longer have trouble buying things, although sometimes I still can't call a business on the phone. But I was able to get 2 college degrees, and I have been employed as a nurse for 34 years so obviously I was able to overcome a lot of it. I think eventually your daughter will too. If you find that it is disrupting her life or preventing her from maturing you would want that checked out. But for now, I think I'd just let it go and understand that every child is different.