Taking a driver's license from an elderly driver

[MushyMushy]

Have any of you had to break a parent's heart by getting their license taken away? How did you handle it?

I've thought for a good 10 years my dad shouldn't be driving. He's been in assisted living since July and he intends on signing himself out at the end of this month, and I know he plans on going back to driving. He can't see much beyond a few feet, his hearing is almost gone, and he can just shuffle along with a walker. I'd mentioned this to his doctor last week and the doctor told him he couldn't drive anymore, which infuriated my dad and now he wants a new doctor.

He's not going to make any of this easy. It's bad enough that he wants to get out of assisted living, but the driving is out of the question.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

We tried with my grandfather - after 3 strokes, he'd lost the ability to turn around (when backing up) and he seemed to lose his ability to make good judgments - i.e. if someone at a 4-way stop cut in front of him, he'd just keep going and "if I hit him, it's his fault" (he had a '79 Buick LeSabre, so he felt he wouldn't be the one injured).

My mother actually went into his wallet and took the license out. Grandpa wouldn't dream of driving without the license, so he waited until everyone was out of the house one day, then called a cab and went to the DMV. They renewed his license, no questions asked.

 

[SC Minnie]

What if is car wouldn't start? And there was no way to repair it?

 

[MickeySP]

Have his Dr report this to your DMV, they will handle from there. You won't have to get too involved.

My BF's Mom was handled this way, she had to go to a medical review. It was easier when it was Dr & DMV and not family.

 

[dodukes]

What if is car wouldn't start? And there was no way to repair it?

 

[daughtersrus]

Have any of you had to break a parent's heart by getting their license taken away? How did you handle it?

I've thought for a good 10 years my dad shouldn't be driving. He's been in assisted living since July and he intends on signing himself out at the end of this month, and I know he plans on going back to driving. He can't see much beyond a few feet, his hearing is almost gone, and he can just shuffle along with a walker. I'd mentioned this to his doctor last week and the doctor told him he couldn't drive anymore, which infuriated my dad and now he wants a new doctor.

He's not going to make any of this easy. It's bad enough that he wants to get out of assisted living, but the driving is out of the question.

It's really hard. My DF saw it as his last bit of independence. He knew his health was failing and he just wouldn't give it up. Even after he went into a VA nursing home, he refused. He wasn't allowed to have a car there so we just let him keep the license. Sadly, he died about 2 months later.

Have his Dr report this to your DMV, they will handle from there. You won't have to get too involved.

My BF's Mom was handled this way, she had to go to a medical review. It was easier when it was Dr & DMV and not family.

That's very difficult to do. I tried with my DF. I called all of his doctors as well as the social worker at the VA hospital and none of them would get involved. They said that it was up to the DMV to decide if he was competent or not. Even after dad got into an accident because he tried to cross 4 lanes of traffic making a left hand turn. He even admitted to the police officer that he went because the car in front of him went. Luckily he wasn't hurt too bad when his car was T-boned.

What if is car wouldn't start? And there was no way to repair it?

That's an idea but it didn't work for us. DF's car was pretty new and he had an extended warranty. He was a mechanic all of his life and so is DH but the thought did cross our minds.

 

[Philagoofy]

Have any of you had to break a parent's heart by getting their license taken away? How did you handle it?

I've thought for a good 10 years my dad shouldn't be driving. He's been in assisted living since July and he intends on signing himself out at the end of this month, and I know he plans on going back to driving. He can't see much beyond a few feet, his hearing is almost gone, and he can just shuffle along with a walker. I'd mentioned this to his doctor last week and the doctor told him he couldn't drive anymore, which infuriated my dad and now he wants a new doctor.

He's not going to make any of this easy. It's bad enough that he wants to get out of assisted living, but the driving is out of the question.

Several years ago my FIL had Alzheimer's. The doctor told him he wasn't allowed to drive anymore. Taking his license away would have meant nothing. We had to take his keys away. A few days later, my DH thought his father was going to have a heart attack, he was so mad that we had taken his keys away, so he gave them back. But we had to take them away again, he was in no shape to drive. He would get lost or lose the car & walk home (how he found his way home I'll never know). We were not only afraid that he would hurt himself or become a victim but we were also worried about him hurting someone else if he couldn't drive properly.

It was heartbreaking and we didn't know the legal aspect, were we allowed to take his keys & get rid of his car? It may not have been legal but it needed to be done. Sorry you & your dad have to go through this, especially if he's still mentally capable. It really does limit one's freedom unlike they've known before.

 

[DMass]

My uncle should have had his license taken away. His kids found it funny that their father would always come back with a new dent or scratch on the car.

Unfortunately he got into an accident and passed away a few days later. That was four years ago. Even though he was in his mid-eighties, had they taken his license he probably would have still been around today.

 

[sandramaac]

I had a dad who was ill with cancer living with us for 2 years. He also had dementia that progressed over that time period (he passed after the two years fom the cancer). At first the dementia really only was an issue with forgetfullness. I brought him to a neurologist for an evaluation. He did all the standard mental test, and he was diagnosed with frontal temporal dementia. I told my dad I had really concerns about his driving. OMG, he was furious with me--furious I 'trapped' him in going to the doctor, furious I was questioning his driving. I looked into reporting him to the state, which you can do. He would have been forced to come in, and re-take the written and driving portion of the test to see if he was still an able driver. My dh and I chatted and felt at that point he was fine driving the same route he did back to his house and to his lady friends house and out to eat.

However, in the coming months after that his dementia (as well as cancer) worsened. It started with him getting lost, and it ended with my dd coming home and finding totally befuddled about how to start the car. She followed him to the local coffee shop where he almost took a pole down on the road, and him parking the car sideways, and getting out with it in neutral. That was the last day he drove, the keys disappeared.

I would urge you that if he is having issues walking, driving a car is going to be a problem. I would bring a neurologist on board and have him tested. The wanthing to leave assisted living, people with early to mid dementia spend tons of time 'covering it up' and compensating for their diminished mental capacity. They also go through this period of hyper independant behaviors and become very easily angered. All this is based upon them trying to hold onto their independence. I would not let your dad sign ot of assisted living. It will be so hard to get him back in after, especially if mental capacity decreases. Many AL places will keep their tenants through these more mild levels of dementia and then place them on a floor or area with folks who are more diminshed as they wosen. But it alsmost impossible to get them back in afterwards.

And with the physical issues with your dad, driving will be bad. Reaction time is way off as is judgement.

Hey good luck!!!

 

[MickeySP]

I guess it is easier in MA. Her Dr just simply made a call and then filed 1 form.

Hope you can work it out.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

When removing the ability to drive from an elderly person, please, please put in place a transport system that they can access and afford. Loss of independence is a serious issue for the elderly. Losing the freedom to travel about as they please doesn't have to be a consequence of no longer being a safe driver.

Don't just take the keys, and license. Link them to a viable transport alternative.

 

[Philagoofy]

I think just taking a driver's license away, by the doctor, DMV or other authority may not always solve the problem in every case. The person may still decide to drive without the license. That may be a starting point, but if someone really wants to drive and is upset or furious, they may just go ahead without a license.

Hopefully you & your family can come up with alternatives: taxi, public transportation, paratransit, friends, family, church volunteers, etc. It's a very difficult situation for him & you but hopefully, in time, he will come to understand that it's for his safety and for others.

 

[MushyMushy]

We don't have a lot of public transportation options where we live. There is a van for the elderly that will take them to doctor's visits and perhaps the store. No taxis in our town. The rest of us live pretty close and are able to take him different places, so it hasn't been an issue so far.

I told my husband last night that I feel like I'm in a no-win situation. If I push this issue, we're going to break his heart because his cars mean everything to him. But if he were to go out and hurt himself or, even worse, hurt somebody else, I'd never forgive myself.

For as difficult as my mother was her entire life, that was one thing she gave up without a fight. She just realized she wasn't able to drive the way she should, and that was it. No more driving. It's going to take something drastic to stop my dad, and I don't want it to be an injury or death.

 

[golfgal]

This is the hardest thing someone has to give up as they get older. I know my Grandpa never stopped driving but he did stop driving into town. He would only drive to church if he needed to, couldn't get another ride, and he only felt comfortable doing that because he could drive on a dirt road that MIGHT see 2 other cars in a day all the way to church. My cousin visited him every day and took him where ever he needed to go so that made it easier on my Grandpa.

The only other thing I can think of is that your DH is "fixing" the car for him...for a really long time??

 

[camlace]

Taking his license away would have meant nothing. We had to take his keys away.

Totally agree with this...taking away the little piece of plastic in a wallet means NOTHING to most people. You need to take the keys away from any car they have access to (and check/recheck for that spare key in the super secret hiding place.)

 

[ENSOCK]

my DH fixed his grandfather's truck. He disconnected 4 of the spark plugs. When DGF was driving down the road the truck was spitting fire out of the tail pipe and lighting the ditches on fire. After that the truck was disabled completely, but he would still take his tractor and drive that around. They finally had to disable anything that would run. It is so sad when the mind starts going!

 

[walden]

I think just taking a driver's license away, by the doctor, DMV or other authority may not always solve the problem in every case. The person may still decide to drive without the license. That may be a starting point, but if someone really wants to drive and is upset or furious, they may just go ahead without a license.

Hopefully you & your family can come up with alternatives: taxi, public transportation, paratransit, friends, family, church volunteers, etc. It's a very difficult situation for him & you but hopefully, in time, he will come to understand that it's for his safety and for others.

Absolutely on the alternative transport arrangements. That is key.

Sadly, in my experience, men tend to get much more upset than women in not being allowed to drive any more. They also seem less able to accept that they are no longer safe as drivers. It is a huge hit to the ego as well as to independence. My father died before he got truly dangerous on the road. My FIL was much more resistant than my mother and MIL, who both gave up driving voluntarily.

After many fruitless discussions, we notified both FIL's doctor and the DMV of the dings to the car, his failure to stop at lights, and his getting lost on frequently travelled routes. They took care of the license.

We finally had physically to take way all sets of the key and persuade him to sell the car before he killed himself and others. He had early dementia and couldn't remember that he wasn't supposed to drive.

If the car and keys were there he just took off with no license. If the car was there but no keys -- he somehow could remember how to hot wire a car! The car had to go too, even though my MIL could still drive safely.

It was a long hard conversation. Good luck.

 

[SandrA9810]

If you have power of attorney, you could just sell the car. That's what my aunt had to do with my grandmother. My mom is annoyed she can't drive again, but she failed the vision test at the DMV when she went to renew it. I think she started to loose depth perception and didn't realize it, so her driving was getting worse before the renewal.

 

[LukenDC]

This was an issue with my grandmother (father's mother). She had been a terrible driver for years. Hit and killed a motorcyclist. Hit a child on a bicycle, shattering his pelvis. Hit and totaled a car while pulling into an intersection.

CA has (or had at the time) a program where a concerned family member could request that the DMV re-test an elderly driver. My mother recommended that they re-test my grandmother. That very same day, grandmother got confused while driving, ended up driving across the border into Mexico, got into an accident in Tijuana, and gave her car and everything in it to a group of children. A Mexican family found her wandering around Tijuana and they drove her back to the border. We made sure that grandmother's license was cancelled immediately.

 

[clori]

We had a different issue with dh's grandmother who was close to 90. Great Gram had her license but really never drove that often - just rented a car for vacations. She lived in Manhattan until she moved into an assistive living in Queens.

She called us up one day all upset that she got a license renewal letter in the mail about taking a drivers test or something. She was crying saying how dangerous it would be even to take a driving test. Her vision and hearing had both declined but her mind was completely sharp. It turned out she had absolutely no desire to drive but wanted to keep her license as id to cash checks. Fortunately we were able to help her get a non drivers id which she didn't know about.