Tactful response to backhanded compliments

[Sugardimples]

What I do is look the offender right in the face and say "what did you say?" Let them repeat it and then say "you have a lot of nerve to say something that insulting to me and my kids."

Then don't engage in the backpedaling that is sure to happen.

 

[tlbwriter]

Done that and SIL's response was "What? Why do you think I'm putting the kids down? I love them."

"I know you love the kids and wouldn't want to hurt them, but when you say things like 'Molly is a bad listener,' it DOES put her down. She asked me why you would say that about her. It hurt her."

 

[OceanAnnie]

How did the talk go with your SIL? I hope it went well, but it does seem like it would be dicey at best. She doesn't sound receptive to how she comes across.

It's hard to be tactful with a person that repeatedly has no tact and is hurtful to your children. She may get it and doesn't care, or doesn't get it and doesn't care, or doesn't get it and doesn't care enough. Whatever her case may be, I think you are right to limit contact with her.

I would call her on her hurtful words. The how of it isn't important. She needs to be stopped or avoided. If she insists it isn't meant to be hurtful tell her that her intentions do not match reality. Your child is hurt. Add that any further observations on her part are not up for discussion.

Good luck with it. Not fun to deal with.

 

[disykat]

I agree with those who say those are compliments followed by insults.

The mean part of me would be tempted to have a laundry list like "you have a pretty face, but you're fat!" and "your house is clean, but you have such garish taste in decor." ready and toss one right back at her every time she does it.

I wouldn't do it, but it's fun to think about payback. I'm also curious how your conversation goes.