'Tacky' Thank-You notes

[famofsix]

She didn't have the addresses and didn't send out the invitations. She was one of the guests.

And I didn't know what she was doing until I was already opening my DS's gifts; I looked up and saw people passing a stack of envelopes around. Like I said, I'd never heard of it before and I've been to plenty of wedding and baby showers.

I'm not picking on you Your sweet baby is darling! It makes me uncomfortable writing out my own address on a thank you card at a party. I don't know why. It's weird getting a card you think you sent yourself in the mail. I get your friend was being nice...especially since she planned ahead and had the envelopes with her. This is a common thing in my neck of the woods. Just a pet peeve I guess. No biggie though. It's way worse if someone says OMG I hate your gift!

 

[daisylou]

Whenever I've hosted a shower for a friend or sibling I always include as a gift a box of thank you notes with all the addresses pre-printed. It doesn't take much time, and since I was the hostess I have access to all the guests' addresses. People seem to appreciate it.

I do think having guests address their own thank you notes is tacky.


Worst of all I once received a thank you note two years after the wedding. It was a computer printed form note and was so defensive in tone. It started out saying something along the lines of "We know it has been a long time since the wedding but we (the couple) have been incredibly busy.." I remember thinking that it would have been better to send nothing at all.

 

[snowy76]

I'm not picking on you Your sweet baby is darling! It makes me uncomfortable writing out my own address on a thank you card at a party. I don't know why. It's weird getting a card you think you sent yourself in the mail. I get your friend was being nice...especially since she planned ahead and had the envelopes with her. This is a common thing in my neck of the woods. Just a pet peeve I guess. No biggie though. It's way worse if someone says OMG I hate your gift!

LOL sorry if I came across defensive! I actually agree with you, I would find it weird too, especially if people around here did it a lot! (BTW, have you ever gotten a SASE back and thought, that writing looks familiar, not realizing that it was your own! Because I have! LOL)

Thanks for what you said about my little Nikolas! He turns 6 months old on Thursday and has gained 10 pounds since he was born!

 

[Lizzy2]

I've seen this done at showers, and I did it at my friend's shower. I never thought it was such a big deal. Hmmm, all these "rules" about thank you notes really make it difficult. . . no wonder so many people are abandoning the tradition.

This thread has me wondering how many people have called me rude behind my back over a thank you card.

It is tacky and rude because the effort you put into a thank you note is supposed to be a reflection of your gratitude for the effort the gift giver put into choosing and giving the gift.
For example, imagine how Aunt Ida feels. She just loves her little "Niecy" and every summer when she a girl Niecy would come and spend the summer. They always had such great times together and she considers them to be very close. When the invitation arrives to Niecy's wedding, Aunt Ida sends several expensive place settings of china as her gift and travels by bus to be there when Niecy walks down the aisle even though she is 80 and using a walker. Even though she really doesn't get to talk to Niecy at the wedding, recieving lines being so "difficult" and all , she know she will soon get a lovely note from Niecy telling her with love of how thankful she was that her precious Aunt Ida was there for her special day. Instead, she is asked at the reception to fill out her address on an envelope so the bride and groom won't be bothered with the "difficulty" of filling out all those envelopes and when the envelope arrives it says "Thanks for sharing our day!" in a cheery pre-printed script with the bride and groom's name engraved at the bottom. Evidently, stuffing an envelope with generic, preprinted cards were as much "difficulty" as the new couple could handle. Poor Aunt Ida! Life is just so "difficult"!

 

[famofsix]

LOL sorry if I came across defensive! I actually agree with you, I would find it weird too, especially if people around here did it a lot! (BTW, have you ever gotten a SASE back and thought, that writing looks familiar, not realizing that it was your own! Because I have! LOL)

Thanks for what you said about my little Nikolas! He turns 6 months old on Thursday and has gained 10 pounds since he was born!

You did not sound defensive...I just come here for fun and not to make people feel bad . Most of the time I am sitting here with DS17months because he is allergic to the crib and loves to sleep on me instead. Your boy is a cutie enjoy the golden age of 6-9 months 'cuz you can keep 'em from running away from you and climbing the kitchen table. Time flies, enjoy every moment...try to get some sleep though LOL

 

[Anastasia]

I am not always the best about Thank You Notes. However, my bridal shower, wedding, baby shower and baby gift thank yous all went out within 30 days of the event. I think they went out the day after my baby shower. I remember feeling so flattered that everyone went to the effort of buying thoughtful gifts, that I sincerely felt compelled to thank everyone immediately.

I agree that if you open the gift and thank the person in person, that a note is not necessary. I also agree that addressing your own thank you note is tacky. I am not offended at all by children completing fill in the blank thank you notes. It is very difficult for a 5, 6 or 7 year old to actually write a note. I think it is a good solution, and still teaches them some etiquette.

The tackiest thank you that I ever received was for a gift for my cousin's daughter's wedding. First of all, I barely knew the girl and was invited to the wedding. I did not attend, but took the trouble to go to the department store where she was registered and carefully chose something off of her registry.

A long time after the wedding (I'm not sure how long, but I'm guessing 6 months to a year), I received a Thank You note. It was printed from the computer. It read something similar to this.

Dear XXX,

This is "the bride's" mother. We all know how bad "the bride" is about Thank You notes, so I am doing them for her.

Thank you for your generous gift of money, it will be put to good use in setting up their house.

Ok - the mother of the bride has to write the notes and admits it? Also, they couldn't get the gift right? I was floored!

 

[famofsix]

A long time after the wedding (I'm not sure how long, but I'm guessing 6 months to a year), I received a Thank You note. It was printed from the computer. It read something similar to this.

Dear XXX,

This is "the bride's" mother. We all know how bad "the bride" is about Thank You notes, so I am doing them for her.

Thank you for your generous gift of money, it will be put to good use in setting up their house.

Ok - the mother of the bride has to write the notes and admits it? Also, they couldn't get the gift right? I was floored!

Oh boy, I bet you'd feel better not getting thanked. 14 years ago after our wedding I got confused about who a gift was from and wrote the thank you with no address thinking I would get the address. Like two years later, I found the card in the car (still no address) and I threw it away. I still feel bad about it because it turns out it was a boyhood friend of my FIL but I never met the man and it was really too late at that point. SO everyone messes up. I am not perfect.

 

[PoohPrincess76]

Wow...I thought I was doing good getting all the thank yous out in 2 days for the shower and 2 weeks for the wedding. You all know how to make someone feel horrible.

 

[Princesa]

My mom has a method....if the graduation gift is ignored, then the value of the wedding gift goes down....if the wedding gift is ignored, then the baby shower gift will not be nearly as stunning as it might have been.

And oddly enough, she manages to remember this stuff. (I would have to enter that stuff on a spreadsheet and who cares that much?!)

But my mom...."Now make sure you write your notes as nice as Cousin Clara did....she's such a thoughtful girl....or.... I can't imagine going out of my way for Frieda's baby shower gift....she never even sent a card for that lovely crystal pitcher we gave her off her wedding registry.

That being said....she did teach me to write lovely thank you notes--thanking the giver by name, handwritten, mentioning the specific gift given, and how I would be using it (Your gift of cash will certainly be put to good use for college tuition! The lovely frame will hold a place of honor with our engagement photo in it. )

I don't have a problem with fill in the blank ones for really little guys...at least they are in training. (Even my mom thought those were ok)

I am also ok with the address this yourself envelopes--but could we at least put a better spin on it than---the poor bride would have to write out aaaalllllll these addresses. (poor thing...I wonder if unwrapping all those gifts will be taxing on her as well....) I like the using them for door prize drawing idea.

However I completely draw the line at a mass-produced thank you for the gift, the new Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Come on, yes you're busy, but be a little personal!! (My mom also disaproves of these She feels that if you are going to have your Christmas cards preprinted with "The Johnson's" then you may as well not send them. And yes, my mother sends out over 100 hand-signed Christmas cards each year each with a personal note written specifically for the recipients. She's still not sure how she feels about my computer printout Christmas letter, but at least we include a photo of the kids in each one, and hand-sign the card, so that offsets the potential issue of the letter. All that to say---there are "rules" for everything for a large percentage of the population. I say....do it in good will, mean your best, and you can't be too far off.

 

[Mono~rail]

I did the "address your own thank you card envelope" at the baby shower I hosted for my best friend. I did it because I'm such a huge advocate for thank you cards! I was seriously trying to help everyone (guest of honor and guests). In the future, I will address the thank you card envelopes when I'm addressing the shower invitations. Is that acceptable or tacky too?

Here's my personal philosophy on thank you cards: I don't expect one. When I do get one (no matter how it is done), it is a bonus! I really don't care how it is done. It isn't like I'm going to hang onto it and put it in the scrapbook or something. I read it and toss it in my "13 file" (garbage can). I know there are all these etiquette rules, but those mostly apply to weddings (from what I've read online).

 

[Anastasia]

Wow...I thought I was doing good getting all the thank yous out in 2 days for the shower and 2 weeks for the wedding. You all know how to make someone feel horrible.

You did do good! I have been known to forget a thank you note here and there, and am not usually that prompt. However for the particular occasions listed above I was on top of things! I am not nearly as good at getting my kids to send them! Two days after the shower and two weeks after the wedding is amazing!

I do find that writing thank you notes becomes harder as time passes. If I do it right away I find it easy. The longer I procrastinate, the harder it gets to do it. I am a procrastinator by nature, so if I have a lot of them to write, I try to force myself to get it done right away.

 

[kfeuer]

When a friend gave me my baby shower, instead of giving her a guest list I went ahead and made mailing labels for her (I used a pretty script and clear labels, so it wasn't screamingly obvious). This saved her having to hand address the invitations and it saved me time when I did the thank you notes (which of course were personalized and hand-written). It worked out well and hopefully didn't offend anyone's sensibilities

 

[magnumaid]

I think it is tacky to have people print their names and addresses on the thank you invitation envelops at the party to save the honoree time (think baby and bridal showers). :

I don't mind printing my own name and address on the thank you envelopes. BUT- I did this at a baby shower and then DIDN'T get the thank you card!
Seriously. Some people!

 

[U2_rocks!]

Please don't take this as a slam or anything but Am I the only one that doesn't care if I don't get a Thank You card? Espicially from a kid. I've got more important things to worry about than receiving a Thank you card.

I'm with you - they are not important to me at all. I give when I want to, and expect nothing in return. The one thing I do like is if I send something through the mail, I like to know that it arrived safely, but I'm happy for the person to just mention it in their next e-mail or phone call. I honestly wouldn't care if I never received another formal thank you note ever again!

 

[rt2dz]

This was done at my shower, but I had never even heard of it before then. It was actually one of my guests who brought a box of thank you notes and took it upon herself to pass the envelopes out to the other guests. I thought it was a very thoughtful thing, considering our circumstances. DS was born 10 weeks early and I was at the hospital almost all the time. My friend didn't want me to have to worry about notes too.

Well, the day after my shower I learned DS could come home that week! I spent the time in between setting up the nursery when I was home, and to write out my thank you notes while I sat in the NICU with DS.

I wouldn't have done it for myself, but I thought it was nice when someone else did it on my behalf. I guess I don't see what the big deal is, particularly for a new mom who's going to be very busy.

I still think asking someone to address the thank you to themselves for you is tacky. Sorry. I have 3 kids. I've done the NICU with 2. I still handwrite each note myself. Well, DH does some from the kids. Besides, that is saying your gift isn't a nice gesture but required. Yes, it is a shower, but a gift still shouldn't be expected. Maybe I just put more emphasis on someones presence v. their present. And how awful for someone who might want to celebrate with you, but can't afford to buy a gift.

I always have thank you notes on hand. When a gift comes in, I get out the notes, address the envelope and write a quick thank you. Goes back out in the mail the next day. After showers (bridal, baby) when there can be several gifts, I block off an hour or two to do all the thank you's. When sitting around in hospital rooms, it's actually even easier. If you are in the habit, it really only takes 1-2 minutes per gift.

 

[rt2dz]

Found several of these on the web. Most of them say about the same things, but this one is better written (more to the point).

The Do's and Don'ts of Thank You Notes
From Donna Pilato,
Your Guide to Entertaining.

The Basic Etiquette of Thank You Notes

They're such a simple concept. A thank you note is an expression of appreciation for a thoughtful act, expression, or gift.

The Do's of Thank You Notes

Send your thank you notes as quickly as possible.

Notes may be sent on informal stationery, except for wedding thank you notes which are generally sent on formal stationery.

Always make specific reference to the gift that is the subject of the note, such as "Thank you so much for the blue sweater. How did you know that was my favorite color?"

Always send notes in the following situations:

* Wedding gifts.
* For sympathy letters, flowers, or mass cards.
* To the hostess after a party that was hosted in your honor.
* For bridal or baby shower gifts.
* For gifts that were received by mail.
* After being entertained by your boss.
* Gifts received during a hospital stay.
* After being hosted as a houseguest for one or more nights (unless it's a close relative or friend who is doing the hosting).
* For notes or gifts of congratulations.

Thank you notes are not required in the following situations, but would still be a nice gesture:

* After being a guest at a dinner party.
* After a job interview (not required, but definitely a smart idea).
* For birthday gifts that were received and opened in person, and you already thanked the giver personally.
* When a friend has helped you out with a special favor such as babysitting, a meal when you were sick, running errands for you when you are incapable.
* To the sales representative who has entertained you personally as part of a business relationship.

The Don'ts of Thank You Notes

Don't delay in sending most notes. Generally notes should be sent within a week of receipt of the gift or gesture. The only exception to this timing is as follows:

* Thank you notes for hospital gifts should be sent as soon as the patient is well enough to send them, whenever that is.
* The current guidelines for wedding gift thank you notes are that the notes should be sent within three months of receipt of gifts. However, given the potential monumental task that would pose to the bride and groom after their honeymoon, it makes sense to send notes out as soon as gifts are received (often wedding gifts are sent prior to the wedding date).

I cannot stress enough the importance of personalizing thank you notes. I have attended large children's parties where parents hand out pre-written thank you's as guests leave the party, even though gifts haven't even been opened. In my opinion, there's no point in even giving a thank you in this case. Thought was given to selecting just the right present for the birthday boy or girl, and without a specific thank you for the gift, the giver will never know how much the gift was really enjoyed. This kind of thank you is merely a check note on the party list, and conveys no sense of personal appreciation.

Even though most thank you notes can be sent on informal stationery, that doesn't mean it's okay to use a piece of paper torn from your shopping list pad. Find note cards that reflect your personality, and keep a ready supply on hand. They don't need to cost a lot of money. In fact, if you shop diligently, you can find inexpensive, attractive cards in the dollar stores.

There's no need to lie if you dislike a gift. If something is not to your taste, you should still show appreciation for the thought that went into selecting it for you. You can always say "Thank you for the thoughtful (fill in the blank). I will always think of you whenever I use it."

 

[snowy76]

A long time after the wedding (I'm not sure how long, but I'm guessing 6 months to a year), I received a Thank You note. It was printed from the computer. It read something similar to this.

Dear XXX,

This is "the bride's" mother. We all know how bad "the bride" is about Thank You notes, so I am doing them for her.

Thank you for your generous gift of money, it will be put to good use in setting up their house.

Ok - the mother of the bride has to write the notes and admits it? Also, they couldn't get the gift right? I was floored!

She could've saved her daughter's rear on that one. If she typed them on the computer she could have written them as if she was actually the daughter, you know? Tacky, yes, but the guests probably wouldn't have figured out who actually wrote them.

(Unless mom was mortified that the daughter never wrote the notes, and figured a note from her was better than none. She probably paid for a good chunk of the wedding!)

 

[snowy76]

I still think asking someone to address the thank you to themselves for you is tacky. Sorry. I have 3 kids. I've done the NICU with 2. I still handwrite each note myself. Well, DH does some from the kids. Besides, that is saying your gift isn't a nice gesture but required. Yes, it is a shower, but a gift still shouldn't be expected. Maybe I just put more emphasis on someones presence v. their present. And how awful for someone who might want to celebrate with you, but can't afford to buy a gift.
I always have thank you notes on hand. When a gift comes in, I get out the notes, address the envelope and write a quick thank you. Goes back out in the mail the next day. After showers (bridal, baby) when there can be several gifts, I block off an hour or two to do all the thank you's. When sitting around in hospital rooms, it's actually even easier. If you are in the habit, it really only takes 1-2 minutes per gift.

rt2dz, it's awful to make assumptions about me or my friends and family.

First, I did not throw my shower. THAT is tacky. So I had no expectations from anyone to a) come, and b) bring a gift.

Please go back and ready my other post. I had nothing to do with bringing thank you notes to my shower or passing them out. A GUEST did that as part of her gift, because she wanted me to have one less thing to worry about. I already had two boxes of notes of my own because as soon as DS was born we started getting gifts from people.

And yes, I spent plenty of time in NICU writing my cards. But that wasn't always possible. Although I don't know what your situation in NICU was like, in ours, I was expected to do as much of the baby's care as possible with the supervision of the nurses, so that my DS and I could bond. I spent a lot of it doing kangaroo care. You really can't write notes when your son 3 1/2 pound son is inside your shirt. But when the nurses had shift change, I would sit out in the waiting area writing my notes.

Having had kids in NICU, I don't need to remind you of all the feelings you have during that experience. The people that were invited to my shower were a close group of friends and family. They wanted me to worry about HIM, not about THINGS. I was incredibly grateful to the folks who helped us. My true friends and family know that, card or no card. Although I DID get my cards out, anyone who feels snubbed in such a situation has his/her priorities mixed up, IMO.

Thank goodness my friends and family don't worry about the nitpicky things. They were worried about my DS and me. I love them for it and I'll take their tackiness anyday!!

 

[PoohPrincess76]

rt2dz, it's awful to make assumptions about me or my friends and family.

First, I did not throw my shower. THAT is tacky. So I had no expectations from anyone to a) come, and b) bring a gift.

Thank goodness my friends and family don't worry about the nitpicky things. They were worried about my DS and me. I love them for it and I'll take their tackiness anyday!!

Snowy,
Thank you. I couldn't have said it better. It isn't like it was my idea, although, I thought it was good. I had no problem addressing any thank you card, or most importantly, writing them. I DID have a guest that didn't bring a gift to the shower, she still did her envelope, and actually questioned why I didn't use it when I sent the wedding thank you.

 

[Disney4Drew]

I don't mind printing my own name and address on the thank you envelopes. BUT- I did this at a baby shower and then DIDN'T get the thank you card!
Seriously. Some people!

Same here....and it was 2 showers within 2 months. You gotta wonder about people!