Struggling with marriage, very long.

[graygables]

I met my husband 15 years ago online, before it was "done". I had been in an abusive marriage, but had gotten out with 2 DDs (2 & 4 at divorce, 6 & 8 when I met hubby). Everything went swimmingly, he met my family, I met his family, we communicated well, seemed to have a lot in common, and we married that year. I was to be the housewife, he was the breadwinner, it was all very mid-century. I wasn't supposed to be able to have more children (due to ex) and we had discussed adopting, but we soon found out I was expecting (so much for the doctors). We had 2 more DDs together, but that's when I started learning and noticing some things about him. He, apparently, was toilet trained on newspaper in the bathtub. I knew his mother wasn't the brightest bulb in the box, but still... He also never bonded with DDs. He made attempts, but they were never heartfelt. He was more of a playmate than a parent, but when he WANTED to be the parent, there was no respect, which just alienated them even more. I started to scrapbook and wanted to go to crops, but he would blanch at the thought of "babysitting". I reminded him that he was a PARENT not a babysitter, but that never sunk in.

In the meantime, he also started sinking into OCD behaviors. After he puts a DVD in the player, he has to wash his hands. At one point, on a trip to WDW (which was sheer torture), he left us in the restaurant in Morocco to return to the hotel room to use the bathroom. He refuses to have anyone cut his hair but me and will not run simple errands (i.e. grocery store).

During our entire marriage, he has routinely been off work 4 months out of the year (he's a contractor). This would be fine if he made enough the other 8 months to cover the bills, but he doesn't. It has been immensely stressful trying to figure out how to pay bills when there is no money coming in. He refuses to see the situation. There have been times that I brought up needing money for the mortgage to be told, "you just paid that last month, why do you need money for it again?" Yes, really. It's as though the months he doesn't work get a "pause" button on the payments in his mind.

Because I had DDs at home and an entrepreneurial spirit, I started my own business from home. It was a lot of hard work, but I was able to make a go of it. During this time, I also returned to grad school for a few reasons: 1) update my resume, 2) qualify for the Disney College Program (longtime dream) and 3) have access to loan money to cover the bills in the off months. 3 years into my business, things were finally looking up and then the economy crashed taking me with it. I applied for an internship w/ Disney as well as the CP. The internships were also cancelled due to the economy, but I was accepted to the CP. At this point, I was in survival mode and was doing anything I could to keep my family afloat. I moved to FL w/ DDs in Jan '09, hubby still had a "job", so stayed behind. My journey took me from the CP to a management internship to being a statused manager at WDW. Dream come true!

Hubby is still back in Ohio. Over the years, he has also sunk into conspiracy theories, alien lore, and more. Looking over checklists, I believe he has one or more significant personality disorders. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with going for months between haircuts and letting his mother do his shopping for him. He has said he will never live in Florida, even though he knows that this is where my career is at the moment and I have no plans to return anytime soon.

I'm struggling. Badly. I do not love the person he has become. It's like being around a stranger who gripes and complains all the time (even though he claims to miss us, visits are filled with futile attempts at domination which just make everyone miserable). I am about natural consequences, so I don't influence the children either way. 14yo doesn't like him, either, but she has Asperger's, so doesn't care that she doesn't like him. 11yo is a very sensitive child and is torn between the two places, although she clearly wants to be with me. When we make lists of what we miss it includes green grass, blooming trees, granite countertops, bedroom paint, friends, places, etc. but never includes him, unless 11yo adds him as an afterthought. She would be devastated if we divorced. Then there is the whole, "better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and in health" business. He is sick, IMO, and will not get help. He would rather give up his family than see someone.

Our dreams have diverged. I have always wanted to sell it all and full-time in an RV later in life. He knew this from the first night we talked. He recently announced that he must have a house with a foundation and would NEVER consider an RV (he actually wants to move to the woods somewhere away from the government and grow his own food). I have a career in the making which I LOVE and I've worked hard for. He's not at all supportive, just tolerant of it and keeps asking me how much longer I'm going to be here.

I am generally fine with the current arrangement. I'm here, he's there, we visit on occasion, but that's it. I learned years ago that catering to a child is never a good idea, so 11yo is having to learn to suck it up and deal with change. She's doing fine, but has moments. I remind her that I moved across an ocean before the days of texting and email, so I do understand, but at the same time, my Dad had to do what was right for the family, not just me. I really don't have any concerns about an affair or anything of the like, hubby just isn't all that interested (it would involve effort and leaving the house and he lives next door to his mother).

Maybe I just needed a place to put it out there into the cosmos, but I would appreciate advice.

 

[Christine]

Well...

You probably won't like my advice but here goes. I don't see why you are staying in the marriage. The man is mentally ill, always has been, and hid it from you as long as he could. That's not the issue though. The issue is that he doesn't care enough about you or his children to work on it. So why would you even continue? You need to move on with your life. Yes, kids make it hard but the opinion of an 11 year old who only has partial cognizance of the real problem cannot be what holds you back.

It's obvious to me that you will never live with this man again, never go back with him and he won't come to you.

So, what is the point?

 

[agnes!]

Oh dear, I am so sorry. Sorry for your situation, sorry for your pain and your children's pain. I hate to say this but your husband's precarious state of mind scares me, his behaviors and theories remind me of Ted Kaczynski.

I agree with Christine.

Serious food for thought - If something happens to you, if God forbid you become incapacitated or pass away, will this man then have responsibility for your children? Will they have to go live with him? If that is so, then I think you should talk to a GOOD family law attorney and start divorce proceedings immediately. As in *now*.

agnes!

 

[KelleyGirl]

You have done everything for your children. You have done what you needed to do to survive. You've earned your own money and made yourself a career while being a full time Mom - good for you! I think you need to do what's right for yourself now - if you don't love him anymore, you should move on.

 

[robinb]

**hugs** I remember the really great advise you had for "Mulan" back in the day.

I also agree with Christine.

Serious food for thought - If something happens to you, if God forbid you become incapacitated or pass away, will this man then have responsibility for your children? Will they have to go live with him? If that is so, then I think you should talk to a GOOD family law attorney and start divorce proceedings immediately. As in *now*.

Not only that, but as a spouse you are still legally responsible for any financial problems that he may get himself into: loans, medical expenses, tax evasion, etc.

It sounds like you left your marriage (physically, mentally, emotionally) back in January 2009. Make it permanent. You are not doing your kids any favors by living in limbo.

 

[dogodisney]

I agree with everyone else. It's time to move on so you and your kids can be happy.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

And here is what I think......if I thought he had one redeeming quality and that you loved him, I would say get some counseling and try to make it work... BUT, that is not what I am reading. I am with Christine and the rest here......time to move forward with your career that you are happy at and successful, I would think, and he is not part of that and does not want to be part of it. He needs help and to go back there you would become his caretaker.. no way.. move on... and hugs to you.

 

[TaraPA]

From a "love, marriage & family" standpoint I'd say you could probably just stick it out & stay living separated as you are now, since you say you're comfortable with the situation. HOWEVER, I totally agree with filing for divorce NOW because of the above mentioned reasons. If God forbid you should become incapacitated or die, do you really want your kids beig sent back to live with him & his mother? If he is serious about not paying bills & living off the land in his back woods cabin, do you want to be responsible for the financial nightmare he leaves behind? Having my kids raised by a family that toilet trained their children like pets would scare me enough to file the papers today.

Whatever you decide, good luck. It's hard to leave a comfortable situation, especially when kids are involved, but their future well-being is at stake here.

 

[es45]

I think it would be best for you and the children to have closure. Move on from this mess and make sure that you obtain sole custody.

Good luck.

 

[graygables]

I certainly appreciate all of the words of wisdom. The part that scares me the most is if something were to happen to me. Thank you for bringing that point front and center! I am in the process of writing a codicil to my will directing my older DD to be the younger ones' guardian along with providing documentation of his conspiracy theories, unwillingness to find work when he's off, general inability to function in society, etc. I'm including journal entries where I cancelled an elective surgery that I desperately needed (and still do) b/c he said he'd get rid of DDs' new dog if I died as he couldn't handle them AND a dog.

As far as finances go, I'm in the process of getting all that untangled, but it's going to take a couple of years anyway. I've looked into it and the IRS considers us separated and the attorney said that most courts would as well since I can provide proof of residence, visits, financials, etc.

Right now, a divorce would gut youngest DD. She is still adjusting to our move and my working, plus she had a sudden onset of panic disorder about 4 months before we moved, so we are still sorting all of that out. 14yo could care less, I believe, but 11yo, I'm just afraid it would trigger more panic attacks. I want her to be more stable and mature so she can have a clearer picture of the situation. I already see signs that she's catching on, so that's good, but it's also upsetting her, which is bad.

My hope is that in 2 years I will have him buy me out of my half of the house which will help get me established here and I can stop renting. The thought of that, though, makes me weep. I mean sob, the ugly cry. I know it's silly, but that was MY house. I put my heart and soul into turning it from a mid-century, Sears, Grandma-house into a beautiful home for our family. I know it's all just "stuff" and "things", but I miss it dearly some days, heart-wrenchingly, and I know DDs feel the same way.

 

[cm8]

I certainly appreciate all of the words of wisdom. The part that scares me the most is if something were to happen to me. Thank you for bringing that point front and center! I am in the process of writing a codicil to my will directing my older DD to be the younger ones' guardian along with providing documentation of his conspiracy theories, unwillingness to find work when he's off, general inability to function in society, etc. I'm including journal entries where I cancelled an elective surgery that I desperately needed (and still do) b/c he said he'd get rid of DDs' new dog if I died as he couldn't handle them AND a dog.

As far as finances go, I'm in the process of getting all that untangled, but it's going to take a couple of years anyway. I've looked into it and the IRS considers us separated and the attorney said that most courts would as well since I can provide proof of residence, visits, financials, etc.

Right now, a divorce would gut youngest DD. She is still adjusting to our move and my working, plus she had a sudden onset of panic disorder about 4 months before we moved, so we are still sorting all of that out. 14yo could care less, I believe, but 11yo, I'm just afraid it would trigger more panic attacks. I want her to be more stable and mature so she can have a clearer picture of the situation. I already see signs that she's catching on, so that's good, but it's also upsetting her, which is bad.

My hope is that in 2 years I will have him buy me out of my half of the house which will help get me established here and I can stop renting. The thought of that, though, makes me weep. I mean sob, the ugly cry. I know it's silly, but that was MY house. I put my heart and soul into turning it from a mid-century, Sears, Grandma-house into a beautiful home for our family. I know it's all just "stuff" and "things", but I miss it dearly some days, heart-wrenchingly, and I know DDs feel the same way.

, praying for you.

 

[kdzgon]

I certainly appreciate all of the words of wisdom. The part that scares me the most is if something were to happen to me. Thank you for bringing that point front and center! I am in the process of writing a codicil to my will directing my older DD to be the younger ones' guardian along with providing documentation of his conspiracy theories, unwillingness to find work when he's off, general inability to function in society, etc. I'm including journal entries where I cancelled an elective surgery that I desperately needed (and still do) b/c he said he'd get rid of DDs' new dog if I died as he couldn't handle them AND a dog.

While your documentation may help, I do not believe divorcing your husband will prevent him from gaining custody in the event of your demise. I believe that as their natural parent, courts will generally honor his right to those children over instructions in your will. Considering your concerns I think you need to consult an attorney sooner rather than later on this issue whether you pursue divorce right now or not. IMO you canceling a surgery you require because he might get rid of a dog shows some faulty logic on your part - if you NEED the surgery, you have a responsibility to take care of yourself so you can properly care for your children. If instead it is just the phrasing was poor, I think you would need to re-visit your journal entries you are considering leaving with your will.

As far as finances go, I'm in the process of getting all that untangled, but it's going to take a couple of years anyway. I've looked into it and the IRS considers us separated and the attorney said that most courts would as well since I can provide proof of residence, visits, financials, etc.

The IRS will only consider you "separated" if you have a legal basis for such, ie, a divorce or a legal separation (not every state HAS a provision for a legal separation). The IRS would recognize a "head of household" filing status for you, but your husband would then be required to file as "married, filing separate". http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/p501.pdf Read "Considered Married" on p 5. If either of you live in a community property state there are further complications. And, separated or not, as long as you are legally married you can still be held responsible for at least some of his debts.

Right now, a divorce would gut youngest DD. She is still adjusting to our move and my working, plus she had a sudden onset of panic disorder about 4 months before we moved, so we are still sorting all of that out. 14yo could care less, I believe, but 11yo, I'm just afraid it would trigger more panic attacks. I want her to be more stable and mature so she can have a clearer picture of the situation. I already see signs that she's catching on, so that's good, but it's also upsetting her, which is bad.
Don't be so sure the 14 YO "could care less" - I have a DD with Asperger's - their emotional psyches are complicated, but they tend to be sensitive yet they often internalize much of their reactions. Will they both have issues with the divorce? I'm pretty sure they will, but I also believe the current situation causes them stress. Either way, I think independent counseling for both girls should be a priority. The best parenting in the world is not a substitute for an independent sounding board. In my case, it was years later before I found out that my seemingly well-adjusted youngest daughter felt she needed to emotionally protect me from my ex after our divorce (he is a sociopath - it was not pretty), an emotional burden for her that she carried for years.
My hope is that in 2 years I will have him buy me out of my half of the house which will help get me established here and I can stop renting. The thought of that, though, makes me weep. I mean sob, the ugly cry. I know it's silly, but that was MY house. I put my heart and soul into turning it from a mid-century, Sears, Grandma-house into a beautiful home for our family. I know it's all just "stuff" and "things", but I miss it dearly some days, heart-wrenchingly, and I know DDs feel the same way.

Really, IMO you need to get "real" here. I don't mean the emotional connection - I understand that, though time will help, as will your decision to move on (whenever that happens). I mean, here is a man that didn't (doesn't?) worry about the realities of a monthly mortgage yet you expect in two years he can pay for the existing mortgage PLUS a buyout of your share? You might be able to force a sale so you each get your share, but I cannot imagine you will get a buy-out. Plus, he keeps asking when you are returning - I am not so sure he will cooperate with anything that will make it easier for you to leave permanently.

I agree with many others here, that you need to begin to move on. I would strongly advise you to get some counseling - having a sounding board will help you verbalize your concerns and a good counselor will help you wade your way through until you reach a decision. Right now, IMO you are living with no real decision - everything is "temporary". Posting here is a good sign that you recognize the need to make some decisions, yet you are (understandably) afraid to do so. I have been there, and the best advice I can give you despite how harsh it might sound here is to stop hiding behind the roadblocks you are focusing on and start truly accepting some of the realities you outline yet seem to not quite accept. Yes, there will be some hurt along the way, but there will be more hurt if you prolong the indecision, as indecision allows others to control our lives and our futures. Your first responsibility is to those kids of yours, a responsibility you can only address if you take care of yourself first. There is a reason flight attendants instruct parents to put those masks on themselves first, and then on the kids! Focus on all that is good in your life, and use that any time you need a reminder of which path you want to follow.

You are a strong, capable person - look at all you have done so far! Now it is time to take the next step. There are many wonderful people here that are here for you, any time you need an extra boost - you CAN do this!

 

[minniebeth]

to you...I agree with all the others, it's best to move on, no matter how hard adjusting and how much legal work it may bring. Kids are adaptable and it might be hard on them at first, but in the long run much better off. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...

 

[Sosai X]

You don't deserve the severe emotional abuse this man put you through. You might not recognize it, and he might not admit it, and it might not seem like it, but your situation is classic emotional abuse. My father did this same stuff to my mother, and it was nearly the death of her. As soon as you can, You mus:

1. Sever all ties with him, emotionally and financially
2. Find a good lawyer, and serve your husband with divorce proceedings
3. Gather your children in a safe place, and establish a nuturing home for them
4. Find someone new who will love you for you; someone who will support and encourage you to move toward your goals; someone who will take the emotional and financial responsibility that being a parent requires

It might be hard emotionally for a while for your kids, but as others have said they will adapt. Kids are resilliant.

 

[Adrienne]

People have been saying emotional abuse, but i wonder (as an adult aspie myself) whether this man has aspergers syndrome combined with a paranoid personality disorder... much of what OP has described screams aspie, and given they have a dd with it too, aspergers often runs in families.He may need sitting down and teaching the social ramifications in the way one would teach math, my mother did this for me as a child/teen/youngadult and it helped greatly. i am now a mother and have a wonderful partner who while she doesn't always understand the disorder she accepts me for who i am and helps me to make any changes that will make my (and out families) lives easier

maybe OP should suggest hubby get tested for aspergers ? then he can access networks of support

ultimately though OP do what you believe is best for you and the girls. my thoughts are with you

 

[cbg1027]

I am a child of a mother who went through a similar situation. For many, many years my mother stayed married to my father, hoping things would change and giving him every avenue of help she could. She learned the hard way that you cannot make someone else get help. They must want to do it for themselves.

After 15 or 20 years of going through that, she finally divorced him. Now, my sister, brother and I were all much older than your kids at that point so it wasn't much of a transition for us since he wasn't around much to begin with.

Your daughter will struggle and be unhappy about a divorce, but in the end, it's right thing to do for yourself AND the children.

I would bite the bullet and start the process ASAP. And maybe you should look in to therapy for you daughter so she is better equipped to deal with it.

Best of luck to you and I hope you continue to prosper as a CM!

 

[dawz1026]

He has issues and you know it. I went as far to read about behaviors as well that my dh has.It really sounds like these behaviors were learned. He sounds like he stopped maturing at some age and acts like a child who does not want or know about real responsibility. You love him it is obvious and keep him at an arms length for your comfortability or maybe your own fear of what he will do if you do leave.I know what comfortable is and how we are emotionally lazy sometimes and just live with situations rather than deal with them. He needs to speak to a male physchologist. I really believe he missed out on a male figure in his life and maybe his Mom ruled the nest??