Strangers approaching Kids

[runwad]

I am so mad!! My DD12 is in 6th grade and plays CYO basketball for our church. The church is literally 1 1/2 blocks away from the school. DD has practice right after school from 3:30-5, mon/wed. Practice just started this week. I figured she's in 6th grade she can walk the block and half to the church. She has a cell phone, she calls me when she leaves school then again when she gets to the church. Oh she is the only one who goes there everyone else on the team goes to the catholic school, but there are other kids on the sidewalk walking home. Ok yesterday I get home from work and there is a message from the principal on the machine letting us know that on Tues two 5th grade boys were approached by two men in their 20's (by the church) asking if they'd help find their lost dogs. Nothing happened the boys ran home and reported it. But the school wanted us to take this opportunity to talk to our children about strangers. The school also said the police would be patrolling the area.

Ok I'm thinking crap how am I going to get my kid to practice now (I work mon/wed)? So I call the police station and I'm thinking if they are patrolling and DD makes sure she walks with someone maybe I'll feel ok with it. Well the dispatcher didn't know anything about it and said there are only 3 patrol cars out on the street at that time and usually they're busy with other calls, unless the school hired someone??? Well that's nice. I'm just so mad about these times we live in that I can't let my 12 year old walk 2 blocks without worrying about her. I'm going to call the coach and see if he'll pick her up after school and take her the two blocks to the church for practice, I'm sure he will.

Thanks for letting me vent, I just needed to get that out.

 

[sskem96]

We've had several of these instances in our town over the last several months. My kids are in 3rd and 5th grades. They have to walk about 3-4 blocks to the bus stop because our road is under construction. We have to go everywhere with them.

One day 2 boys were approached while doing their paper route in the morning, and they were 10 and 15! I'm sure the parents felt safe sending the 15 yo out with the younger one, but age and the buddy system aren't deterring these creeps!

The cops even know who some of the people are who are approaching the kids, but since they haven't actually taken a kid, they can't arrest them! It's so scary! They have gone as far as to publish descriptions of the vehicles and lic. plate numbers in the paper so parents are aware of who the cops already know are out looking for kids, but I wish they could just lock those people up!

We live in a nice town, and this is happening in every neighborhood in our town, and even some of the rural towns around us.

 

[NotUrsula]

We live in a nice town, and this is happening in every neighborhood in our town, and even some of the rural towns around us.

As someone who grew up out in the sticks, statements like this never fail to puzzle me. Kids in the country and isolated suburbs have always been at greater risk when they walk on the roads, not just from predators but from traffic in general. It was true 40 years ago and it is true now. In rural areas very few people are around to see anything that might happen, including a hit and run accident. City kids are somewhat safer in this scenario, because there are usually people around who might see or hear if anything weird happened.

 

[Magpie]

I would continue letting your dd12 walk, perhaps with a friend. It sounds like you're taking reasonable precautions, and I assume you've talked to her about what to do if approached by a stranger. I don't think we should let fear change our lives, or our children's lives. I've had many chats about safety with my own children, who are 9 and 11. I do let them go outside alone to play. I send them to the grocery store for me. I have them walk the dog. I let my son get a paper route. And I do all this knowing that my son has a medical condition that can potentially cause him to faint if we aren't careful.

I've told the children that most strangers are safe. The trick is spotting the ones who aren't. No adult should approach a child who is alone. No adult should ask a child for directions, or help. If that happens, put distance between yourself and the adult, and go inside somewhere public, like a store. But if a child needs help for any reason, then the child should seek out the safest stranger they can find. That would be a mom with kids, a person working in a store, a woman, construction workers, bus drivers, city personnel, anyone with a legitimate reason for being where they are.

My son once passed out while he and his sister were buying lunch. My daughter grabbed the nearest woman and got her to call 911. And then my son woke up and used the woman's cell phone to call me. By the time I got down there I found my daughter waiting on the corner with the woman, and my son inside the ambulance getting checked out. My daughter was very upset - but only, it turned out, because she'd failed to catch my son on the way down and he'd managed to hit his head. Once I assured her that wasn't her fault, she was fine - and quite excited to sit in the front seat of the ambulance and direct the driver back to our house.

I want my children to grow up independent and fearless. I want them to believe they can tackle any challenge that comes their way. I feel especially strongly about this where my son is concerned, as it would be entirely too easy for me to get paranoid about his safety, and make him feel like it isn't safe for him to do anything.

Really, kidnappings and violence against children is way down since the seventies. These times - despite what Fox news would have you believe - are not more dangerous than they use to be. Just talk to your daughter! And don't forget to mention to her that the vast majority of predators aren't strangers. They're your relatives, friends and neighbors - people you know and trust.

 

[runwad]

Magpie I know you are right and that is terrific advise but I can't help to be scared for DD. I won't be comfortable and there isn't a group of friends she can walk with, as she's the only one of her peers that plays basketball at the church and she usually rides the bus home. She did say she walked with a boy yesterday who goes to her school but I'm still not comfortable with that. Now if there were 5 or 6 of them I'd feel better. I don't like to be paranoid nor do I want her to be. And she's not. She's totally ok with walking still. She is very mature and thinks she knows how to handle this type of situation but I can't help wanting to protect her. She is walking in the city and I thought like another poster that she would be fine because of it. Oh I don't know this is so hard because you just don't want to take a chance with your precious children but I understand not living in the world being paranoid.

 

[Whosemom]

runwad, reading your post brought this awful thought to mind. I think statistically, this

I'm going to call the coach and see if he'll pick her up after school

is more risky than walking. Unless he's picking up a couple kids.

 

[LadyShea]

Perhaps get her a loud whistle (they used to call them rape whistles) or get her a cell phone with a loud alarm button, or even an alarm keychain so that if she is approached or feels threatened or cornered she can make enough noise to alert any and everyone in the vicinity.

Also role play with her. Make sure she walks with her head up, in a determined "I know where I am going" manner, makes direct eye contact with passers-by (just a brief "I see you" look), and teach her that if someone approaches her to hold her hand up and say "Stop right there" to keep them at a safe distance and allow her room to run if needed. Predators are looking for weak, confused, and non-assertive/non-observant victims. They will go right past a confident assertive person, usually.

 

[Magpie]

Magpie I know you are right and that is terrific advise but I can't help to be scared for DD. I won't be comfortable and there isn't a group of friends she can walk with, as she's the only one of her peers that plays basketball at the church and she usually rides the bus home. She did say she walked with a boy yesterday who goes to her school but I'm still not comfortable with that. Now if there were 5 or 6 of them I'd feel better. I don't like to be paranoid nor do I want her to be. And she's not. She's totally ok with walking still. She is very mature and thinks she knows how to handle this type of situation but I can't help wanting to protect her. She is walking in the city and I thought like another poster that she would be fine because of it. Oh I don't know this is so hard because you just don't want to take a chance with your precious children but I understand not living in the world being paranoid.

I think sometimes as mothers we just have to be quietly afraid and never let our kids know. It's okay to be scared! After my son passed out I was petrified to let him go out the front door. But after I'd checked out the medical side of things and made some changes in his diet, I made myself smile and told him to have a good time.

I think your idea of having her use her cell phone to call you is a great idea - and you did say it was only a block and a half. She doesn't have to wait outside the church, does she? And if she can get that boy or another friend to keep walking with her, that would be great.

The problem is, once you have given a child a certain level of independence, I think it does real harm to take it away. If she's confident she can handle herself, and if you believe she's got good sense, then trust her.

I know it's hard!

 

[Blueyed Girl]

runwad, reading your post brought this awful thought to mind. I think statistically, this

is more risky than walking. Unless he's picking up a couple kids.

I have to agree with whosemom. This sent up a red flag for me. Perhaps if the coach were female or perhaps if there is more than one child being picked up. However, I wouldn't feel comfortable with her walking anymore either. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I feel for you, I really do. I am terrified of when my son gets to this age. Heck, I'm terrified now and I'm with him 24/7!

 

[runwad]

C'mon Whosemom, you're supposed to be trying to make me feel better but I know you are right. LadyShea I did think about the whistle, funny you mentioned it, she does have one and wouldn't have a problem wearing it around her neck while walking. And you're so right about the assertive thing. And Magpie once again you hit the nail on the head with your advice. I thank all you ladies. My DH and I need to talk this over and figure out what we are goin to do. I did let the school know that the police dispatcher I talked to knew nothing about patrolling, so maybe they will make some waves. Geez can you all imagine how much trouble I'll have letting her go out on her first date or even outings with friends

PS no she doens't have to wait outside the church goes right in, and there are kids standing out there waiting to be picked up by parents. There is a lot of traffic in that area that's why it's kind of scary that someone would approach kids there with so many people around.

 

[Magpie]

Perhaps get her a loud whistle (they used to call them rape whistles) or get her a cell phone with a loud alarm button, or even an alarm keychain so that if she is approached or feels threatened or cornered she can make enough noise to alert any and everyone in the vicinity.

Also role play with her. Make sure she walks with her head up, in a determined "I know where I am going" manner, makes direct eye contact with passers-by (just a brief "I see you" look), and teach her that if someone approaches her to hold her hand up and say "Stop right there" to keep them at a safe distance and allow her room to run if needed. Predators are looking for weak, confused, and non-assertive/non-observant victims. They will go right past a confident assertive person, usually.

Terrific ideas! I especially like the whistle/alarm idea.

I've done the role playing thing with my kids, too. Kids should know that if someone actually grabs them to fall down and scream. They can bite, kick, anything it takes. And never go anywhere with someone, not even if he shows you a knife or a gun.

But I also make sure I remind them that this is all VERY unlikely. Now that my kids are getting older I've started talking about situations they're far more likely to face in their real lives, like when that boy or girl you really like wants you to do something you're not sure about. Or when one of your friends has a bottle of alcoholic cooler (my son *really* need to watch that, because those kinds of drinks have a ton of sugar in them and could really mess him up). Or what if someone's shoplifting? And, of course, sex!

I don't just want my kids to know enough to run away from a threatening stranger. I want them to come and tell me if the nice guy next door insists on full body hugs, or if a coach or teacher is text messaging them inappropriate stuff (ie, sending them links to porn sites!). Real, every day stuff.

 

[Magpie]

C'mon Whosemom, you're supposed to be trying to make me feel better but I know you are right. LadyShea I did think about the whistle, funny you mentioned it, she does have one and wouldn't have a problem wearing it around her neck while walking. And you're so right about the assertive thing. And Magpie once again you hit the nail on the head with your advice. I thank all you ladies. My DH and I need to talk this over and figure out what we are goin to do. I did let the school know that the police dispatcher I talked to knew nothing about patrolling, so maybe they will make some waves. Geez can you all imagine how much trouble I'll have letting her go out on her first date or even outings with friends

PS no she doens't have to wait outside the church goes right in, and there are kids standing out there waiting to be picked up by parents. There is a lot of traffic in that area that's why it's kind of scary that someone would approach kids there with so many people around.

Hopefully the cops have a lead on these guys, so you can feel safer soon. It's good to know there's lots of people around, though. Good luck!

After all this, you'll manage the rest just fine.