Sticky situation--looking for opinions

[Jeafl]

My 15 yr. old daughter's 16 yr. old best friend lives across the street from us. Her mother and I are also very close friends. DD's friend "E" has been dating "S" for over a year. Up until recently my friend has really liked her daughter's boyfriend. Apparently last week "E" snuck out of the house at midnight to meet "S" in the park down the street. My friend and her husband found them doing geometry of all things

Well, my friend's husband went ballistic over her sneaking out and forbid her to see him or speak to him for a month. My feeling is that her parents feel they are getting a little too close and want things to cool off for awhile.

Here is where I come in. The past couple of days E has been coming over to visit with my daughter after school, and has been secretly calling S from our phone. I found out accidentally when I picked up the phone to make a call and heard them. I later confronted my daughter and she admitted that she let E use the phone because she was so desperate to speak to S. Now E is begging me not to tell her parents. Part of me says I should tell my friend what is going on, and part of me is thinking I should mind my own business. I know E would be very upset with me, and up until now we have had a great relationship. She has always been able to talk to me about anything. On the other hand, I know my friend wouldn't be happy with me for allowing this if she ever found out.

OY! What to do, what to do.

 

[Beauty]

Ughh what a position to be put in. I always had a friend's mother that I could go to as a teenager. She kept everything I ever told her in complete confidence, even to this day. This mom helped me with alot of things that my own mother would never have been comfortable talking about with me.

I honestly don't know. Part of me thinks that no you shouldn't say anything. You aren't letting S sneak in your house to see her and its just a phone call.

From experience I know how important it is for a teenager to have an adult figure to trust.

 

[mommystieg]

Not great advice but maybe a starting point. What would like to happen if the situation were reversed--say "E" was your DD and your friend found out about the phone calls to the bf?? Would you want her to tell you? If you cover for this one thing what else might "E" expect you to cover up? My oldest DD just turned 12 and we are soooo dreading the whole dating/boyfriend thing.....

 

[Beth76]

Oy is right! That's a toughie. On one hand, they're only talking on the phone-no biggie, but probably not one for anyone to decide except her parents. On the other hand, I can see your friend getting very upset with you for withholding this info. I would just not allow the calls to take place anymore from your house and leave it at that. If it somehow continues I would let your friend (the mom) know what's going on.

 

[kasar]

Boy, that is tough. I think I would agree not to tell E's parents but tell her that if she does it again you will have to tell them. Yes, she'll probably find another way to call him but at least you weren't participating in the deception.

 

[Missy1961]

Can you talk to the girl and tell her your concerns? Let her know that you're not comfortable with her going behind her parents' backs and using your home to do it. And if you don't want her to do it anymore, let her know that and let her know you will inform her mom.

 

[sharbear]

I think that I would pretend that I didn't hear that phone conversation.

Seriously they were doing geometry at midnight in the park!

 

[inaminute]

If it were me, there would be no question--I would have to tell her mother. Anything else sends a bad message to E and your daughter.

Talk to E and let her know that you are aware of her punishment for sneaking out. Tell her that you understand her parents side of things. Explain that you also understand her side. Make sure she understands that coming to your house and calling S when she knew she wasn't supposed to was wrong on many levels. Explain that while you feel for her situation, you are a parent first and as a parent, you have an obligation to tell her mother.

The last thing I'd worry about is the girl being angry. If she's angry, then she's angry. She should not have broken the terms of her punishment.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I would tell the mom too.

I agree with what inaminute said.

 

[vacationman]

If you were my friend, I would want you to tell me so the misbehavior could be stopped. If you did not, I would never consider you a friend again. If I set rules for my children that are within the law and not otherwise morally wrong, who are you to conspire in circumventing them. You are not doing either one of them a favor if you continue.

 

[caitycaity]

i honestly really don't know. that's a tough one.

 

[Jeafl]

Originally posted by vacationman
If you were my friend, I would want you to tell me so the misbehavior could be stopped. If you did not, I would never consider you a friend again. If I set rules for my children that are within the law and not otherwise morally wrong, who are you to conspire in circumventing them. You are not doing either one of them a favor if you continue.

With all due respect, I am hardly CONSPIRING to circumvent their rules. I found out she made the call by accident.

 

[NMAmy]

I would talk to the girl and tell her that it was not acceptable for her to call the boyfriend from my house. I wouldn't tell the parents unless it happened again--and I'd make that clear to the friend.

 

[buddy&wooz]

I'd tell the girl she can't use your phone for any reason, and if she does you'll have to speak with her mom. But unless that happens, I'd keep quiet. You didn't do anything wrong because you didn't know it was happening, and once you did you stopped it. If the girl feels like she's being given a chance to do the right thing, she probably will.

Honestly, it sounds like this is a good kid who did a stupid thing. If it was my child I'd prefer that my friend didn't come running to tell me. Kids need to have a chance to redeem themselves.

Of course, if it was my child I wouldn't have given such a harsh punishment in the first place!

 

[poohandwendy]

I would tell her that you expect HER to tell her parents what she did, she created the situation, she should deal with it. You are not this girls peer and owe her no loyalty, especially since she used your home to break her parents rules. I would remind her that the issue will come up in talk and that you will not cover for her.

The problem is that what you do will leave an impact with your DD, you should not give the impression that breaking the rules is something you will be a part of. Even if the rules seem too harsh.

I would also tell the girl that if she seriously wants to see this boy, the very worst way she can go about it is sneaking around. She is proving that she isn't trustworthy in her parents eyes. She needs to gain her parents trust again and then plead her case.

If she wants to do 'grown up' things, she needs to behave in a more mature way. Also, let's remember, her parents said she could see him after a month.

JMHO. Good luck!

 

[Rajah]

I agree -- I would talk with the girl and tell her that it was not acceptable for her to be going behind her parents' rules by calling her bf at your house and that if it continues, you'll have to tell her parents. But otherwise, I wouldn't. They're just talking on the phone, and they sound like good kids if they were really out doing *geometry* after sneaking out.

 

[auntpolly]

By geometry, do you mean <i>math</i>, or is this some kind of weird code for sexual activity that I'm not hip enough to know about???

If it's just math, I'd say "no more calls from my house" and leave it at that. Bringing it out in the open would open up such a can of worms I don't think it would be worth it -- nobody's friendship would ever be the same.

 

[DoeWDW]

As the mom of a 15 yo DD and 16 yo DS, I'd say let your daughter's friend know that you accidentally found out about the calls to her boyfriend and that it really puts you in an awkward position. I would tell her no more calls from your house.

I would NOT say anything to the mom unless it continues and I'd make that clear to your daughter's friend.

Teenagers really do need adults that they can trust and turn to when life gets tough and this is the only way that I feel you can keep this girl's trust. If the circumstances were more serious, I'd have to revise my answer, but from what I've been told, this is my opinion.

And for those who ask how I'd like it to be handled if it were my DD? I am close to DD's best friend's mom and I trust her judgement. Sometimes we do talk over situations and we each value the other's opinion. If my DD can't come to me, I hope and pray she would choose to go to her best friend's mom, who loves her like her own daughter and has her best interests at heart.

 

[pixie3]

I remember being E. I wouldn't get her in any more trouble. We are talking about geometry. There could of been a whole lot more going on then geometry. And it is just a phone call, your not having him over. If you don't want any more calls from your house say so, but don't tell. They can just go to the pay phone down the street.

 

[lulugirl]

Originally posted by NMAmy
I would talk to the girl and tell her that it was not acceptable for her to call the boyfriend from my house. I wouldn't tell the parents unless it happened again--and I'd make that clear to the friend.

I agree...they were talking on the phone, not meeting in DD's bedroom.