STEROID MAKERS THREATEN STRIKE
Labor Move Would Deal Death Blow to Baseball, Experts Warn
The Steroid Makers of America, a trade union representing over 12,000 of Americas steroid manufacturing workers, has set a strike date of August 30 if Major League Baseball does not satisfy its list of demands.
Specifically, the steroid makers are demanding a significant percentage of baseballs ticket sales, merchandising and broadcast revenue to reflect the increasing role steroid use has played in baseball over the last decade.
While the steroid makers are looking for across-the-board participation in baseballs various revenue streams, they are seeking a higher percentage of profits garnered by the so-called big arm franchises.
A big arm franchise, as the steroid makers define it, is any team whose players have biceps with a greater circumference than a utility pole.
Sandy McFarland, chief negotiator for the steroid makers, raised the ugly specter of an October with no steroids.
We are not taking the decision to strike lightly, Mr. McFarland said. We are well aware that taking steroids is our national pastime.
But even as baseball fans across the country hope and pray that the steroid makers do not go on strike as threatened, experts warned that a steroid makers strike could open a Pandoras box that might alter the baseball landscape forever.
If steroid makers get their way, soon crack dealers will want their share of the gate, said one expert familiar with the steroid negotiations. Where does it end?
While most observers feel that a crack dealers strike remains a long shot, the Crack Dealers of America, a union representing Americas 400,000 crack dealers, has set September 15 as a tentative strike date.
****Borowitz Reports****
Labor Move Would Deal Death Blow to Baseball, Experts Warn
The Steroid Makers of America, a trade union representing over 12,000 of Americas steroid manufacturing workers, has set a strike date of August 30 if Major League Baseball does not satisfy its list of demands.
Specifically, the steroid makers are demanding a significant percentage of baseballs ticket sales, merchandising and broadcast revenue to reflect the increasing role steroid use has played in baseball over the last decade.
While the steroid makers are looking for across-the-board participation in baseballs various revenue streams, they are seeking a higher percentage of profits garnered by the so-called big arm franchises.
A big arm franchise, as the steroid makers define it, is any team whose players have biceps with a greater circumference than a utility pole.
Sandy McFarland, chief negotiator for the steroid makers, raised the ugly specter of an October with no steroids.
We are not taking the decision to strike lightly, Mr. McFarland said. We are well aware that taking steroids is our national pastime.
But even as baseball fans across the country hope and pray that the steroid makers do not go on strike as threatened, experts warned that a steroid makers strike could open a Pandoras box that might alter the baseball landscape forever.
If steroid makers get their way, soon crack dealers will want their share of the gate, said one expert familiar with the steroid negotiations. Where does it end?
While most observers feel that a crack dealers strike remains a long shot, the Crack Dealers of America, a union representing Americas 400,000 crack dealers, has set September 15 as a tentative strike date.
****Borowitz Reports****
