Stepson Dilemma - WWYD?

[SwedishMeatball]

No, it sounds like the right decision. Does he live close enough that your DH could take him shopping so he could pick out what he wanted to buy the baby?

That is what I would offer. There's the possibility that he wouldn't even take you up on it.

 

[momrek06]

Do you have any sort of relationship with the girlfriend? Personally, I would go directly to the girlfriend and ask her what she needs for the baby. I would buy it an outfit or two and maybe a toy and deliver them directly to her. That would make it impossible for him to return them and use the money for himself. Also, this way you can find out if there is anything she is desperate for, like diapers, formula or a certain must have toy she cannot get herself.

This does sound like a FABULOUS idea, but the SS may blow a gasket and say..."I WANT TO GET SOMETHING FOR THE BABY MYSELF"...in that case..go with him and get him items the DGF can use....take him to TOYS R US and buy him a case of diapers and wipes. A new baby needs little in the toy. dept...someone mentioned a consignment shop...awesome idea for clothes.

Together you, DH and SS wrapped the items and deliver them to her. VERY SAFE. She now has the items and SS has done his Xmas shopping and NOTHING was returned.

 

[EthansMom]

Do you have any sort of relationship with the girlfriend? Personally, I would go directly to the girlfriend and ask her what she needs for the baby. I would buy it an outfit or two and maybe a toy and deliver them directly to her. That would make it impossible for him to return them and use the money for himself. Also, this way you can find out if there is anything she is desperate for, like diapers, formula or a certain must have toy she cannot get herself.

Another vote for this one!

The girlfriend would probably appreciate diapers, formula, and some clothes more than toys.

Also, another warning to NEVER give money or anything of value to an unrecovered addict. Even a gift card can be exchanged for drugs.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am tracking with the others here and also suggest calling the GF and finding out what the baby's needs are and give it to her.
Tell Stepson you made a gift donation in his name to the baby & he doesn't need to worry about it.

The goal is to end the request & be charitable to all, if you know what I mean.

 

[inaminute]

That was our first thought, and then the guilt started to creep in - but why????

Because no matter what, he's your son and you love him.

I love the idea of delivering the gifts yourself. That ensures the baby actually gets the gifts.

This does sound like a FABULOUS idea, but the SS may blow a gasket and say..."I WANT TO GET SOMETHING FOR THE BABY MYSELF"...

This is when the word "NO" comes in really handy. I suppose you could take him shopping, but wouldn't that just be enabling him?

 

[magicmato]

This does sound like a FABULOUS idea, but the SS may blow a gasket and say..."I WANT TO GET SOMETHING FOR THE BABY MYSELF"...in that case..go with him and get him items the DGF can use....take him to TOYS R US and buy him a case of diapers and wipes. A new baby needs little in the toy. dept...someone mentioned a consignment shop...awesome idea for clothes.

Together you, DH and SS wrapped the items and deliver them to her. VERY SAFE. She now has the items and SS has done his Xmas shopping and NOTHING was returned.

I guess I would be less worried about his feelings than other people would. If his response to them helping him to get gifts to his kid and doing it in a way they find to be the best is, "But *I* wanted to get him something!", then I would say to him that he should then get a job and pay for the gifts himself. If my read of the situation is correct, it is not like he just came down on hard times and he is trying to maintain face while getting back on his feet. I think the girlfriend knows he is a loser and that he cannot pay for anything, so why bother pretending?

 

[disneymom3]

Good point. And the baby is only a month old - it's not like she's going to know whether she gets gifts or not - he's just using this as a ploy to suck money out his dad - it never ceases to amaze me the level this kid will sink to.

You know, with the baby being a month old it's not like he/she even needs gifts. Our nephew is about a month old. We are giving him diapers, baby wipes and an outfit. I already told SIL and she is thrilled. Diapers are expensive these days!! Maybe you could just send something the baby would actually need directly to the girlfriend.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess I would be less worried about his feelings than other people would. If his response to them helping him to get gifts to his kid and doing it in a way they find to be the best is, "But *I* wanted to get him something!", then I would say to him that he should then get a job and pay for the gifts himself. If my read of the situation is correct, it is not like he just came down on hard times and he is trying to maintain face while getting back on his feet. I think the girlfriend knows he is a loser and that he cannot pay for anything, so why bother pretending?

No I am the same way, I agree with this as well...If the stepson said "*I* wanted to get the baby something", then I would tell him he is free to do that with his own money.

I know druggies, losers, etc...and I know you don't give them squat. That is druggie rules 101.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Do you have any sort of relationship with the girlfriend? Personally, I would go directly to the girlfriend and ask her what she needs for the baby. I would buy it an outfit or two and maybe a toy and deliver them directly to her. That would make it impossible for him to return them and use the money for himself. Also, this way you can find out if there is anything she is desperate for, like diapers, formula or a certain must have toy she cannot get herself.

Excellent idea!

 

[tink1978]

No....not a bad decision....you could even offer to go with him shopping so that you can pay. If he refuses, you'll know why...but I would not give him money either.

 

[momrek06]

No I am the same way, I agree with this as well...If the stepson said "*I* wanted to get the baby something", then I would tell him he is free to do that with his own money.

I know druggies, losers, etc...and I know you don't give them squat. That is druggie rules 101.

This is why I suggested the OP go WITH the SS...I think he will say HE WANTS TO PICK SOMETHING OUT HIMSELF...in a twisted attempt to have the OP give HIM money!!!!

This way, the OP, OP's DH and the DH's SS can allllll go together to TARGET or TOYS R US and actually get the diapers and wipes. When it comes to the SS picking something OUT...OP will tell him..."there you go one million different styles of diapers...PICK ONE OUT"....!!!!!

EASY & EASY!!!

Desperate people all seem to have agendas!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This is why I suggested the OP go WITH the SS...I think he will say HE WANTS TO PICK SOMETHING OUT HIMSELF...in a twisted attempt to have the OP give him money..PERIOD!!!

This way, the OP, OP's DH and the DH's SS can allllll go together to TARGET or TOYS R US and actually get the diapers and wipes. When it comes to the SS picking something OUT...OP will tell him..."there you go one million different styles of diapers...PICK ONE OUT"....!!!!!

EASY & EASY!!!

Why the hostility?

OP asked what we would do. I would pick it out myself and then tell Stepson I did it & not to worry about it...which is even easier.

 

[momrek06]

Why the hostility?

OP asked what we would do. I would pick it out myself and then tell Stepson I did it & not to worry about it...which is even easier.

Who is being hostile?

 

[SwedishMeatball]

Who is being hostile?

Maybe they thought you were shouting. I thought you were emphasizing.

 

[momrek06]

Maybe they thought you were shouting. I thought you were emphasizing.

THANKS, S-Meatball ...I was emphasizing. I have a sister exactly like the OP's SS...(although she is not a drug addict) she has NO clue how to handle her money. She has a DD. This child can actually be shoeless (due to a growth in sizes)...one time this happened, I gave DSis money to take my niece to get shoes...she needed something on her feet for the first day of school.

My DSis and her dirt bag DH went to a fast food fish place with the money I gave her for the shoes for niece! This is no lie. We all learned early on, take DSis, go to the store, have niece try the shoes on (or coat, dress, slacks) and then make the purchase. Believe you me, many times DSis said..."oh its okay, I will take her tomorrow"....NOPE!! I WILL GO WITH YOU AND WE WILL ALL GO TOGETHER!!!

Been there done that!

 

[kellyg403]

I am currently in a very similar situation. Dh and I have gone so far as let ss go to the grocery store, pick out his food/personal items, and we pay for it. Just so happens the girl there one day told me that as soon as we pay and leave, he comes back into the store and returns things. Now, we don't even buy him simple things like food because he can't be trusted.

I agree with the others, take directly to grandchild's house and bypass ss. Let him shop with you if he must and at that point he is done with the exchange.

Its a tough place to be, and certainly not that precious baby's problem.

Kelly

 

[The Mystery Machine]

THANKS, S-Meatball ...I was emphasizing. I have a sister exactly like the OP's SS...(although she is not a drug addict) she has NO clue how to handle her money.

Ok, that is why you keep suggesting that they take him. You don't take drug addicts shopping. They are a whole different ballgame.

It puts the purchaser in a very difficult position since they only want the money. You are setting yourself up for a fight.

If the OP wants to help purchase gifts for the grandbaby without the drama, you by-pass the SS, and go directly to the mother of the child and tell the stepson that it has been taken care of.

 

[momrek06]

Ok, that is why you keep suggesting that they take him. You don't take drug addicts shopping. They are a whole different ballgame.

It puts the purchaser in a very difficult position since they only want the money. You are setting yourself up for a fight.

If the OP wants to help purchase gifts for the grandbaby without the drama, you by-pass the SS, and go directly to the mother of the child and tell the stepson that it has been taken care of.

OOOhhh...okay...well I guess that is a bit different than taking someone like my sis. It is very sad when throwing your money away on something like fast food and dairy queen when your own DD has holes in her socks, no shoes and I could go on. It has been very difficult for my family as my sis was NOT brought up the way she is bringing up her child. And so we have all helped out on a regular basis to make sure niece gets the necessities that she needs.

Thanks for enlightening me a bit on OP's own situation in having to deal with d.a., very sad.

 

[4cruisin]

I'd buy a couple of extra gifts and put YOUR name on them.

Buying his gifts for his baby is not your (or your husband's) responsibility.

Bingo, we have a winner.

I agree. By putting his name on the gifts, it is enabling him to keep up the behavior. I would give the son nothing but make sure the baby has some extra things such as clothes etc.

 

[claudia]

Do you have any sort of relationship with the girlfriend? Personally, I would go directly to the girlfriend and ask her what she needs for the baby. I would buy it an outfit or two and maybe a toy and deliver them directly to her. That would make it impossible for him to return them and use the money for himself. Also, this way you can find out if there is anything she is desperate for, like diapers, formula or a certain must have toy she cannot get herself.

I agree completely...excellent thought.