Stepson Dilemma - WWYD?

[momrek06]

Bingo, we have a winner.

I agree. By putting his name on the gifts, it is enabling him to keep up the behavior. I would give the son nothing but make sure the baby has some extra things such as clothes etc.

That is OUR exact problem with DSis...we are all ENABLERS, we have agreed but we always say we are doing it for our niece. But I will tell you over the years, my DSis has copped this "entitlement" attitude. She knows if her and DH just do nothing WE WILL.... ....

It is a very vicious circle we have all gotten ourselves into.

 

[Pugsley]

OP, may I hijack your thread for a moment?? (since you’ve already gotten such great advice) I’m hoping to get some advice but I don’t want to start my own thread because DH knows my user name and I’d rather he didn’t read this (not that any of it would be a surprise to him!). Anyway, SS is 23, homeless, and a drug addict (it’s mostly pot he uses but since he has point-blank stated to DH that he will not quit no matter what the consequences - including jail, where he has already been twice - I would call him an addict). He is homeless by choice since he has a decent paying job but chooses to sleep in his truck (which he can’t drive since he’s lost his license) so he can spend all his money on drugs, liquor, cigarettes and fast food. He now expects DH to pick him up from his job almost every weekend and bring him to our house (30 mile round trip) and let him stay with us for the weekend (where he does his laundry and then sits around all weekend drinking and watching movies). Then DH has to get up an hour early on Monday mornings to return SS to his job. I hate this and can’t stand how my DH keeps coddling this kid. I’m really afraid of the effect this may have on my marriage (we’ve been married less than two years). I feel like I’m in a no-win situation since I seem to only have two options: 1) put my foot down and say he can’t stay at our house, making me the wicked stepmother who is throwing SS out in the cold or 2) grin and bear it and let my resentment continue to grow. I know that DH is the one who needs to put a stop to this, but I truly think he is emotionally unable to do it. I don’t think he can bear the thought of his son out in the street, especially when we are living in a nice home. I just can’t seem to make him understand that he’s doing this kid more harm than good by enabling him. Am I wrong? Any ideas out there?

 

[disneyeveryyear]

Unless the mother is in real need of items for the baby, such as diapers, wipes, formula, etc., I would suggest a nice savings bond in the baby's name with the grandparent's name as custodian.

One month old babies really don't need toys, so unless she needs clothes or necessities, give her something for her future.

If the father wants to buy something badly enough, he will find a way.

 

[gemmie214]

OP, may I hijack your thread for a moment?? (since you’ve already gotten such great advice) I’m hoping to get some advice but I don’t want to start my own thread because DH knows my user name and I’d rather he didn’t read this (not that any of it would be a surprise to him!). Anyway, SS is 23, homeless, and a drug addict (it’s mostly pot he uses but since he has point-blank stated to DH that he will not quit no matter what the consequences - including jail, where he has already been twice - I would call him an addict). He is homeless by choice since he has a decent paying job but chooses to sleep in his truck (which he can’t drive since he’s lost his license) so he can spend all his money on drugs, liquor, cigarettes and fast food. He now expects DH to pick him up from his job almost every weekend and bring him to our house (30 mile round trip) and let him stay with us for the weekend (where he does his laundry and then sits around all weekend drinking and watching movies). Then DH has to get up an hour early on Monday mornings to return SS to his job. I hate this and can’t stand how my DH keeps coddling this kid. I’m really afraid of the effect this may have on my marriage (we’ve been married less than two years). I feel like I’m in a no-win situation since I seem to only have two options: 1) put my foot down and say he can’t stay at our house, making me the wicked stepmother who is throwing SS out in the cold or 2) grin and bear it and let my resentment continue to grow. I know that DH is the one who needs to put a stop to this, but I truly think he is emotionally unable to do it. I don’t think he can bear the thought of his son out in the street, especially when we are living in a nice home. I just can’t seem to make him understand that he’s doing this kid more harm than good by enabling him. Am I wrong? Any ideas out there?

I would really encourage you AND your DH to try and attend Alanon. They have great advice and are very very helpful to families that are coping with an active or recovering alcoholic or addict.

 

[Goofyluver]

I have a sibling who is in a similar but different situation. When he asks for money...I NEVER GIVE IT TO HIM! If he needs something, I'll buy it. But, as for handing money over, that just won't happen. He either takes it the way I'll give it, or he gets none. If they are being honest, then they will take it.

 

[lyzziesmom]

Wow, the original post could have been written about my ex and I 8 years ago. He was/is an unemployed drug addict, and I always had to make sure that any gifts given for our DD were given directly to me. His grandmother gave the baby a $100 gift card to Target, my ex wanted to buy video games with it! I put my foot down and immediately bought clothes, diapers, bottles, etc. for DD. She was one week old!! To this day, his family sends gifts and money to me rather than him. (We now live 1500 miles apart and I have sole custody of DD.) His parents, on the other hand... they have enabled him from day one. They allow him to remain unemployed by letting him live with them - he is almost 40 years old. They pay his child support payments for my DD and his other, younger DD. They send DD Christmas and birthday gifts with his name on them, in addition to ones with their names on them. My DD knows her father does not work, and she knows he did not pick out the gifts. She loves him anyway, but has been known to say, "he is not a good daddy." This breaks my heart.

I guess the point is, my advice to the OP would be, whatever you do now, understand that you are starting a pattern of behavior that will last the lifetime of this child. If you begin covering for your SS by buying the child's gifts for him, he will never learn that he has to step up and take care of it himself. By all means, do not let the child go without, but I wholeheartedly agree with the poster who suggested buying clothing, etc. for the child and giving it directly to the mother. Make sure she knows where it is coming from. I hope your SS will grow up and realize that he needs to be the adult now.

 

[Pugsley]

I would really encourage you AND your DH to try and attend Alanon. They have great advice and are very very helpful to families that are coping with an active or recovering alcoholic or addict.

Thanks gemmie. I'm really glad you suggested that. I've been agonizing about going somewhere for counseling, and I didn't even think about Alanon. That is an excellent idea. In fact I should have gone there myself years ago because of alcohol problems in my family. I don't know how DH will react if I suggest it though.