Stepparenting Vent

[Goobergal99]

That's awfully sad. I can remember weekends at my dad and stepmom's house where I might have acted up a bit. Now my stepmom is almost too easy going, but if she weren't that relaxed and if my dad were at work at that time, it would have been absolutely appropriate for her to discipline me.



.

See I disagree... I think only his parents have the right to dicipline him, I would have laughed in the face of some man my mom decided to be with attempting to discipline me... but lucky for me, I had Lorelai Gilmore for a mom and it just never would have happened, we are very independent women and thats the end of that..

You are entitled to think what you want, but I don't think it would have been appropriate. However I have long ago decided that if my DH and I were to be divorced god forbid, or if something happened to him.. I would not ever remarry and I wouldn't even make an attempt at a serious relationship until my child was grown... as my mom always said, their are ways to satisfy your needs without getting seriously involved with someone

I am not knocking you down, just expressing my beliefs and my belief is that kids have enough heartache following divorce without having to deal with their parents getting involved with someone else, I know many ppl will disagree and thats all well and good but my opinion is still mine to have... and I don't think it is sad... I am just realistic

 

[southernbohemian]

See I disagree... I think only his parents have the right to dicipline him, I would have laughed in the face of some man my mom decided to be with attempting to discipline me...

I think this is legally correct - stepparents are not supposed to discipline the stepchildren or have any say so in decisions regarding them. But, really I think it kind of depends on the family dynamic. Some stepparents are much more "parental" and responsible than the biological parent, or even more involved. Other times, I think it is just needed.

I used to not discipline my five-year-old stepdaughter. But she was becoming a monster whenever she was at our house. Her father is definitely not a disciplinarian and was spoiling her because he didn't want to be the bad guy during his weekend visitations. We had serious talks about it - what I felt, what he felt. He admitted that she was getting out of control, but he had never connected his own actions to being a cause (I mean, really, it's like he never saw Nanny 911 or something). We talked about my role with her mother and it was agreed that while she was at our house, she would have to obey our rules and be disciplined by both of us. We talked about what kind of methods she used (and the preschool used) so we could all be consistent. I think this is the only way you can successfully raise a child who goes between different households. They quickly learn what one parent allows and will push boundaries. There has been a huge difference in her behavior since we began this course of action.

I have, however, never disciplined (or needed to) my older stepchildren and doubt I ever would. They are both really well behaved to begin with, but we have more of a friendly relationship than a parental one. If something did come up, I feel it would be their father's place not mine, unless he was not around.

 

[mselly13]

I think this is legally correct - stepparents are not supposed to discipline the stepchildren or have any say so in decisions regarding them. But, really I think it kind of depends on the family dynamic. Some stepparents are much more "parental" and responsible than the biological parent, or even more involved. Other times, I think it is just needed.

Legal? My DH's divorce decree does not even cover this issue. I was never married to DS's dad, so there are no papers to state this. I do think that some parents have this added to their divorce papers but I think that is very rare. I think most papers just say "a competent adult", and that's just regarding picking up and dropping off the child.
If I hadn't had a say in my step kids things then there would have been a lot more problems. I did the Dr.s and the school conferences, and anything else that needed to be done. I'm the one that always had to take off work to do things, not DH. But then again, I was the very "parental" step parent and we had contact with the bio mom about 5 times over a 10 year period.

 

[southernbohemian]

Legal? My DH's divorce decree does not even cover this issue. I was never married to DS's dad, so there are no papers to state this. I do think that some parents have this added to their divorce papers but I think that is very rare. I think most papers just say "a competent adult", and that's just regarding picking up and dropping off the child.
If I hadn't had a say in my step kids things then there would have been a lot more problems. I did the Dr.s and the school conferences, and anything else that needed to be done. I'm the one that always had to take off work to do things, not DH. But then again, I was the very "parental" step parent and we had contact with the bio mom about 5 times over a 10 year period.

Well I'm definitely not a lawyer, so you may be right. I think I heard it on Dr. Phil, so you know it's from a credible source, right? My DBF's divorce papers also don't state it implicitly. They give him the right to assign a "competent adult" to pick up or drop off the kids, but that's as far as they go telling him what to assign and what not to assign. Obviously, if the kid lives with the stepparent full time, they are going to be in on the main decisions. That's the point I was trying to make - it varies by family. But, in his papers, it doesn't stepparents any rights, everything is only what this parent can do and what the other parent can do, so I think unless it's legally modified, you are not technically supposed to be the deciding factor.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

Drop it. A baby naming is not that big of a deal and there is nothing you can do about this anyway. Do it when you want and ask his mother nicely. If she doesn't budge, you've done everything you could.

Exactly. Forcing the issue will get you nowhere. Don't plan around SS because the ex may make sure he does not attend, even if she agreed upon it months in advanced.

 

[livie1205]

BOTH my dh and I take care of discipline of all three kids in our home....my son, his son and our daughter ....OUR CHILDREN ....we would have no peace in the home if we went back and forth about who needed to discipline whos kids...as a pain in the rear as our ex spouses are there is no problems with this,my dh ex now has a step daughter who she also has the say in discipline with her.There is nothing illegal about a steparent that disciplines a child (unless they are abusing them of course).I am a stepPARENT not a stepBUDDY...I love and take care of my stepson like he was mine BUT I am still a parent.This is how it works in our family.

 

[Pakey]

DH and I have been married 25 years and had 3 children between us, the youngest is now 27. We never interfered in the parenting of each other's children nor did we have any dealings with each other's ex's. We each had joint custody, different visitaton schedules, etc. We knew what the visitations were and we stuck to them. Occasionally, we asked for switches but never expected them and we did our best to plan around the schedules we had agreed to in court. The children never seemed to care as much about making a combined family (these 3 were 7, 4 and 2 when we married) and we did not force it on them. Today we enjoy a pleasant relationship with all of them. My son chose to discontinue any relationship with his bio father and his two younger half brothers after he became an adult and that was his choice to make. He never bonded with his dad's new family and nobody every tried to push it on him.

I firmly believe that if you are a steparent to a child whose bio parent is still in the picture, you have to take the high road. You have no vested interest in that child, even if he/she is half brother/sister to your younger children and the child may never have a vested interest in your children, even if they are biologically related.

 

[DVC Sadie]

That is just messed up. Just because you might have that bond not everyone does. Neither my DH or my DB have this supposed Great loved. I know Mama's boys and also guys who have no real connection with their mom at all. Your perception is not her reality.

I was not speaking of personal experience within my own familly.

I was speaking in regards to children and parents going through counseling due to separation and divorce and the aftermath of what all of that entails.

Not every son/daughter will have that special bond with their parent but from what I have witnessed it takes a lot of negative behavior from the parents to have it break or totally destroyed.

 

[koalababy]

I'm really afraid things are going to hit the fan in a month or so. The order states that she provides ss's health insurance and we pay 60% of the cost. (About $700/yr.) Now that we have to have a family plan, it costs us nothing to add ss to our plan. Which is actually better coverage with much less out of pocket than hers. We requested three months ago that she consider modifying the order so we provide coverage. She's still considering it. If she refuses and still insists we pay, I know dh is going to lose it.

Maybe it's not like this with all insurance companies, but back when I was working, I had my insurance and DH's insurance. The doctor would bill my insurance first (primary) and then would go to DH's insurance (secondary). So you can probably still add him to yours even if she doesn't wan to.

 

[horseshowmom]

Originally Posted by RachelEllen

I'm really afraid things are going to hit the fan in a month or so. The order states that she provides ss's health insurance and we pay 60% of the cost. (About $700/yr.) Now that we have to have a family plan, it costs us nothing to add ss to our plan. Which is actually better coverage with much less out of pocket than hers. We requested three months ago that she consider modifying the order so we provide coverage. She's still considering it. If she refuses and still insists we pay, I know dh is going to lose it.

Maybe it's not like this with all insurance companies, but back when I was working, I had my insurance and DH's insurance. The doctor would bill my insurance first (primary) and then would go to DH's insurance (secondary). So you can probably still add him to yours even if she doesn't wan to.

I think the issue is that they really don't want to have to continue to pay for the other insurance when they will already have it available, and the new insurance will be better than the old one.

You'd think that she would use her common sense, but I've seen people do things completely out of spite. I personally know of a situation where the father was supposed to maintain insurance on the children. The mother was working somewhere that she got family insurance free but wouldn't add the kids.

The father offered to pay her to put them on her free insurance (cheaper than providing the insurance himself). She took him up on the offer, but then later she got mad (because he insisted that she abide by the decree instead of doing whatever she wanted to do regardless of him) so she took him to court as being in contempt because he wasn't technically the one with the insurance. Would you believe that the court agreed with her?

He learned a lesson and never dealt with her again. When the kids later moved in with him, she didn't pay a cent of child support because she didn't think it was her responsibility. He was just glad to have his kids and let it go.

 

[wdwmom2]

You'd think that she would use her common sense, but I've seen people do things completely out of spite.

I carry a family dental plan that includes my SDD. Her mom knows I have it (SDD has the insurance card) but won't use it, and it is very good insurance. I don't ask her why, I am just guessing it is because I am married to her ex ???? Well, she is missing out on some good benefits!!!! If her dental insurance (she does have her own policy) finds out that she is not using my insurance, I don't think they would be very happy as my policy would be primary (my birthday comes before hers) and would pay for the majority of the claim. Then her policy would come in and pay the majority of anything left over. I just don't understand some people.

 

[polineedyan]

Another comment after reading some follow up posts. If I were you, and have been (sort of).., I would eliminate the email stuff. I wouldnt even communicate with her. I would let your husband do all the communicating. She may have many reasons as to why she is insistant on the email thing, but let me tell you a little situation that I saw..
I knew (in this case it was the step mom) who refused to communicate with the bio mom. This was after she had insisted that the bio dad have no further contact with the bio mom. The only course of action for the bio mom was to communicate with exdh thru the sm. Step mom would only do so via email. I witnessed, and was told by a therapist (actually an evaluator) that the emailing allowed the step mom the upper hand..in that it was communication, but not REAL communication. The emailing allowed her to think up answers, conjure up scenarios, and the option to respond or not to. It was cowardly. Should could attack when she wanted and withdraw when she wanted. She used it as a tool to do a lot of harm. Had she been face to face with the bio mom, none of this could have ever occurred..This was evidenced by the few meetings they did have face to face when the bio mom just smoked her in discussing issues. With witnesses, caught her in lies, etc.
It even escalated to the point where the step mom was reading, intercepting the mom's emails to the bio dad, and even responding maliciously posing as the bio dad. I know this is a rare exception, but it did cause a lot of harm. When confronted, the dad was like 'what emails. They came at a time that the dad could not have possibly sent them. Sometimes, an email was responded to minutes later by a phone call by the mom and the dad didnt know of any email..
Again, as others have said, I would let the bio parents handle the situations, by phone or in person, and the peripheral parents will begin to see the benefits. As others have said, the heart of step parents is in the right place, but really, its the bio parents who have the right AND OBLIGATION to deal with issues concerning their children. It makes life just so much easier.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

Okay... fast forward.

Ten years from now, you've broken up with current DH a few years back.

Your baby in utero is now 9 years old.

Your former DH is married to a younger, very pregnant woman and she calls to have your child come to a celebration of THEIR new family.

Tell me ... what would the thread look like on the DIS???

In other words, put yourself in her place

Drop it. A baby naming is not that big of a deal and there is nothing you can do about this anyway. Do it when you want and ask his mother nicely. If she doesn't budge, you've done everything you could.
__________________

Both of these are great advice!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Plan it when your babies half-brother can be there.
That is more important than other 'extended family'.

If some members of the extended family truly want to be there, they will make that happen.

Take a deep breath and realize that your in this situation, married to a man who has an EX and a son... You now have a step son, and he WILL be spending time with his mother. You can either come to terms with that and happily work your way around it as best as possible, or you may find yourself unhappy, stressed, disappointed etc... for a long time to come.

I would not ever purposefully put myself in the position of having my plans hanging over this woman's head, hanging on her approval. Not unless it is just completely necessary with no other option. If you do, you will be offering her up the power, and 'engaging' with her, on and on and on, forever...

I would also have NO communication with her... It his your DH's EX, it is your DH's son, Make sure that he handles any communications and situations with her. NOT you!

Remember, she is the way she is...
You can not change anyone else's attitudes or actions.. only your own actions/reactions.

 

[Goobergal99]

Regardless of my opinions about stepparents and their relationship with stepchildren... I think you should have the service when it works for you... it is your baby that is being named and personally I think you are going to quickly learn the bond between mother and child.. So put your baby first

 

[RachelEllen]

I appreciate all the advice on this thread. In case anyone is curious, here's what we have decided to do. We're having a very small naming limited to close relatives and few friends three weeks after the baby is due. (Only weekend that works) Small and scaled back as who knows whether the baby will be 6 weeks old or 1 week old and who knows how I'll be feeling. SS will be there, and it will be have the meaningful religious content.

On the weekend in question in December, we'll have an open house at mom's house where people who happen to be in town can meet the baby. We're not even going to mention the change in plans to ss's mom. If she changes her mind and lets us have him that Saturday, he can attend both events. If she doesn't, he will at least be at the more significant one.

I'm about to the point where I'm just thankful this isn't a boy! Can't imagine what people go through having to plan a bris! (For folks who don't know, that is traditionally held 8 or 9 days after the baby is born, so is impossible to plan exactly)

I guess two things still don't make complete sense for me from folk's comments. And anyone not already sick to death of this thread can comment!

One, how can it not be a good thing to try to at least be on polite communicative terms with ss's mom? Especially once the new baby is here. I'm working only 75% outside the home already, so I have a lot of the practical child care duties. So when the phone rings, (to give a real example from 2 weeks ago) from the dentist's office saying they have a cancelation opening in 15 minutes in which they could fill ss's tooth, however he happens to be with his mom today, I'm not going to call my dh out of client testimony at work to call his ex to find out if she can take him.

Two, this really isn't just a matter of me putting my baby first. This is also dh's baby. And his son. And he definitely shouldn't have to put one first. And so, as a family, I wouldn't feel right looking at it that way. There are issues of balance (which I think we are acheiving with the two, very different, events) but not priorities.

 

[npmommie]

One, how can it not be a good thing to try to at least be on polite communicative terms with ss's mom? Especially once the new baby is here. I'm working only 75% outside the home already, so I have a lot of the practical child care duties. So when the phone rings, (to give a real example from 2 weeks ago) from the dentist's office saying they have a cancelation opening in 15 minutes in which they could fill ss's tooth, however he happens to be with his mom today, I'm not going to call my dh out of client testimony at work to call his ex to find out if she can take him.

Two, this really isn't just a matter of me putting my baby first. This is also dh's baby. And his son. And he definitely shouldn't have to put one first. And so, as a family, I wouldn't feel right looking at it that way. There are issues of balance (which I think we are acheiving with the two, very different, events) but not priorities.

I have never been in this situation, but I think being on polite terms with the ex is a good thing.
on the second, I don't think it is putting anyone first, but I think when you have your child you will see that you will put him/her first.......again i have never been in this situation.....but suppose your babies first birthday falls on a weekend when your ss is with his bio mom? are you going to not have your baby's 1st bday celebration because ss can't be there?
I think you did a nice compromise on the naming ceremony.

 

[Wishing on a star]

LOVE your proposed plans!

PS: I haven't read the pages of responses to your original thread, but I don't think that anyone is proposing that you should be rude or totally refuse to communicate.

You wrote:

One, how can it not be a good thing to try to at least be on polite communicative terms with ss's mom? Especially once the new baby is here. I'm working only 75% outside the home already, so I have a lot of the practical child care duties. So when the phone rings, (to give a real example from 2 weeks ago) from the dentist's office saying they have a cancelation opening in 15 minutes in which they could fill ss's tooth, however he happens to be with his mom today, I'm not going to call my dh out of client testimony at work to call his ex to find out if she can take him.

And you shouldn't.... And you also should not interject yourself into interacting with this woman... Simply tell the person at the Dentist's office, "He is with his mother today, the number there is 123-4567" OR "I am sorry, he won't be able to make that cancellation today... We will see you at his scheduled appointment on Thursday..." and leave it at that.

I do agree that whenever at all possible, your husband should deal with his ex-wife. There is a difference between basic polite communication, and putting yourself personally, purposefully, in the position of dealing with this woman (who seems very rigid and not easy to deal with) There is a difference between basic polite and positive communication, and actually interacting with your DH's EX, putting her in the position to affect your plans and your life.

I see that you are a wonderful person, and you hope for that 'best case scenario' where all family members live and communicate in wonderful harmony with flexibility and respect, and with no other agendas. However, it is always best to operate in reality, which is that your stepchild's mother is just not the kind of person to operate this way.

 

[horseshowmom]

I appreciate all the advice on this thread. In case anyone is curious, here's what we have decided to do. We're having a very small naming limited to close relatives and few friends three weeks after the baby is due. (Only weekend that works) Small and scaled back as who knows whether the baby will be 6 weeks old or 1 week old and who knows how I'll be feeling. SS will be there, and it will be have the meaningful religious content.

On the weekend in question in December, we'll have an open house at mom's house where people who happen to be in town can meet the baby. We're not even going to mention the change in plans to ss's mom. If she changes her mind and lets us have him that Saturday, he can attend both events. If she doesn't, he will at least be at the more significant one.

I'm about to the point where I'm just thankful this isn't a boy! Can't imagine what people go through having to plan a bris! (For folks who don't know, that is traditionally held 8 or 9 days after the baby is born, so is impossible to plan exactly)

I guess two things still don't make complete sense for me from folk's comments. And anyone not already sick to death of this thread can comment!

One, how can it not be a good thing to try to at least be on polite communicative terms with ss's mom? Especially once the new baby is here. I'm working only 75% outside the home already, so I have a lot of the practical child care duties. So when the phone rings, (to give a real example from 2 weeks ago) from the dentist's office saying they have a cancelation opening in 15 minutes in which they could fill ss's tooth, however he happens to be with his mom today, I'm not going to call my dh out of client testimony at work to call his ex to find out if she can take him.

Two, this really isn't just a matter of me putting my baby first. This is also dh's baby. And his son. And he definitely shouldn't have to put one first. And so, as a family, I wouldn't feel right looking at it that way. There are issues of balance (which I think we are acheiving with the two, very different, events) but not priorities.

I think you've reached an excellent compromise!

I don't blame you at all for wanting to be civil, and it is definitely in the SS's best interest, but I can tell you from personal experience that your good intentions can't influence her if she chooses to be difficult (and the insurance issue sounds like an example). However, I agree with you that it may not always be practical to have your husband make all of the contacts but, for your own sanity, I would have him do it as much as possible or handle it like WoaS said [Simply tell the person at the Dentist's office, "He is with his mother today, the number there is 123-4567" OR "I am sorry, he won't be able to make that cancellation today... We will see you at his scheduled appointment on Thursday..." and leave it at that.].


Secondly, it's very obvious that you're trying to be fair to everybody. The only thing I would suggest is that (as another poster said much earlier in the thread) as time goes on you'll have to work harder and harder for that balance.

I know of someone who had a child with the second wife (two with the ex-wife). They arranged all holidays around the visiting children. The little girl had to have Christmas "morning" or her birthday when the other children could be there. That worked fine when she was a baby but not so much when she was a little older. They finally had to come to terms with the fact that some things would be done without the older children there.

It's a tough situation, and you're to be commended for trying so hard to work for everybody.

 

[dispor]

I think you have made very good decisions, and I hope all the events go well for you and your family!