Step Parent thread

[WonderfulDreamer2]

Reading the other thread about the step father, makes me wonder how step relations really were.

My parents divorced when I was a baby and I've got 2 step parents. I love, love, love my step mom with all my heart. She has always made sure I was included and never made me feel like an outsider when I visited my dad and her. She and I had special times together-just the 2 of us without my father. They've been together for 32 years.
My mom remarried and I really had a good relationship with my stepdad for a while but he had a bad drinking problem back then and I saw a lot of stuff happen in the course of growing up that I shouldn't have (physical abuse) that made me really hate him for a long time. They've been together for 33 years and now he rarely drinks, does good by my mom and I have gained a lot more respect for him, but he destroyed a great deal of that early on.

Now I'm a step mom to a wonderful and beautiful 11 yo daughter who I love dearly. I've never, in 8 years, felt she was a burden or an issue in DH's and I's relationship. She is the daughter I never had and there is nothing I wouldn't do with her. We don't fight. I have had to discipline a time or 2 but she really doesn't give us much reason to have to punish her. We talk on the phone, I send her cards (she lives with her mom). We include each other in our lives and I feel so blessed to have her as my daughter.

How are the relationships around with step parents? I know they're not all good situations, but sometimes I think a lot of it is what you put into it. I have 3 step siblings that has always been a source of contension with my mom and only 1 out of the 3 step children does she have a good relationship with. Its kind of sad. I'm just curious to know the rest of you get along with your step children.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

i have a step mom and step dad
they are both great

 

[Nala2007]

As weird as this may sound, my ex step-dad is my "dad". He and my mother married when I was 4 and divorced when I was 14. But we stayed in eachothers' lives ever since. He walked me down the aisle at my wedding

 

[MushyMushy]

My DS and DH don't have a good relationship at all. It breaks my heart. DH stepped up to bat and raised my son as his own from the time he was a tot. He's financially supported him and has been as much of a dad to him as he is to our DD. DS hates my DH and treats him like dirt. He's constantly saying that he doesn't have to listen to him or whatnot.

It's finally been getting to DH and he's been totally withdrawing. It's a mess. On one hand, I can sympathize, but on the other, he wouldn't withdraw from DD if she did the same thing. Sometimes you've got to suck it up and be the adult, even when it hurts.

 

[BuckNaked]

My DS and DH don't have a good relationship at all. It breaks my heart. DH stepped up to bad and raised my son as his own from the time he was a tot. He's financially supported him and has been as much of a dad to him as he is to our DD. DS hates my DH and treats him like dirt. He's constantly saying that he doesn't have to listen to him or whatnot.

It's finally been getting to DH and he's been totally withdrawing. It's a mess. On one hand, I can sympathize, but on the other, he wouldn't withdraw from DD if she did the same thing. Sometimes you've got to suck it up and be the adult, even when it hurts.

That's so sad, for all of you.

 

[kdibattista]

My DS and DH don't have a good relationship at all. It breaks my heart. DH stepped up to bad and raised my son as his own from the time he was a tot. He's financially supported him and has been as much of a dad to him as he is to our DD. DS hates my DH and treats him like dirt. He's constantly saying that he doesn't have to listen to him or whatnot.

It's finally been getting to DH and he's been totally withdrawing. It's a mess. On one hand, I can sympathize, but on the other, he wouldn't withdraw from DD if she did the same thing. Sometimes you've got to suck it up and be the adult, even when it hurts.

Please pass this along to your husband....

My dad died when I was 4 and my mom remarried when I was 7. I hated my stepfather... absolutely hated him although I didn't know why. I would do anything and everything I could to make his life miserable. Never once did he ever do anything to warrant such attitude from me and never once did he come back at me (although I deserved it ). I'm 30 now and regret every single minute of every single day what I did to him. He is the kindest man you would ever meet. It torments me that I was so horrible to him. I finally realized when I was about 18 that it wasn't him... I would have hated anyone. It was me dealing with my dad's death. I spend my time now trying to make up to him what I did. I actually have considered now after 23 years asking that he legally adopt me. I know it would mean the world to him.

Your son will hopefully come to that realization as well. One day he will look back and be very sorry... I know I am

 

[Amlee]

I do not get alone with my "real" father and his wife at all. There is no relationship with them. They were high school sweathearts before he and my mother married. He has older kids with her, but never married her. Years later after he and my mother divorced they married. He also had several kids between the times he was married to my mother and his current wife. 8 total that I know of.

My mother has remarried twice since my "real" father. Her 2nd husband she married when I was 6. He and I had an agreement. I would hate him and he would hate me. I wouldn't put him out if he was on fire!! She divorced him when he gave her it's me or the kids (two of us) threat. Her 3rd husband came alone when I was 10. They have been married 22 years now. When my "real" father decided he no longer wanted myself or my brother to have his name nor did he want the child support payments that comes with kids. It was my Dad who stepped up and gave my brother and myself his last name. It was him who have supported us, ever since. I was 12 when he adopted us and gave us his last name.

Now his children as a whole other story. He has 3 who don't like my brother and I one bit. His daughter will not even come to family functions, because she doesn't want to share her time. But that is all her lost!!

 

[dixipixi]

I am a stepmom. DH and I were married when his children were young. DS was 4 and DD was 8. DH and I have one son together. Most of the issues we have had were because of the parents (not just their mom, DH is guilty as well). They would argue and not necessarily involve the kids, but the kids still knew all about it.

I got a lot of the "you're not my mama and can't tell me what to do" bit. It was frustrating at times, but I had to be the adult (not always easy and definitely not something I always managed to do). I have been guilty of being a bad stepmom at times, but I've been a bad mom, too. (who hasn't?)

My stepchildren have always been included in family functions, holidays, and vacations. DH and I have only taken one "vacation" (4 days to the smokies) without them. Every trip we have ever taken to WDW, they have been included.

When they were younger, it was harder because they were reluctant to give up the idea that their mom and dad would get back together. (I would have wanted the same thing) Now that they are both grown, I find our relationship to be much easier.

My stepdaughter and I have a good relationship, but we don't "hang out" a lot together. She and her mom are very close (which is a wonderful thing that I totally support). We just don't have a lot of the same interests. Nothing wrong with that. I have my own friends. I'm here for her when she needs it, and other than that, I don't interfere.

I'm closer to my stepson. He has lived with us before and there have been times when he and his mom didn't get along too well, so he and I have talked a lot and I guess I just learned a lot about him that I didn't get the chance to with stepdaughter. He also has more "in common" with DH and I. He was a great help to us in rebuilding our home after Katrina. Things like that just bring you closer, I guess. One good thing that came out of that mess.

 

[grinningghost]

I'm a stepmom. My stepson, unfortunately, lived with his mom growing up and was in an extremely unstable household. DH lost a custody battle when he was little, because he and I both worked, and a child "needs to be with his stay-home mom" - or so the judge thought. We knew that was a huge mistake.

That clearly didn't work well - the kid is in and out of prison and nothing more than a slug. He just fathered a baby, who he wants nothing to do with. Thankfully, we are close with his ex-girlfriend and we spend alot of time with the baby.

So I'm a step grandma now too - and we will do everything in our power to make sure this child grows up right.

 

[Nala2007]

I'm a stepmom. My stepson, unfortunately, lived with his mom growing up and was in an extremely unstable household. DH lost a custody battle when he was little, because he and I both worked, and a child "needs to be with his stay-home mom" - or so the judge thought. We knew that was a huge mistake.

That clearly didn't work well - the kid is in and out of prison and nothing more than a slug. He just fathered a baby, who he wants nothing to do with. Thankfully, we are close with his ex-girlfriend and we spend alot of time with the baby.

So I'm a step grandma now too - and we will do everything in our power to make sure this child grows up right.

yay and congrats! Don't you love being a grandma? My mother sugars up the kids and sends em packing

 

[Luv'sTink]

DH and DS have a great relationship. They have been father and son since DS was 3 and he recently adopted DS at DS's request.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

I am the step-mother of an eight-year old little girl. My husband is in turn step-father to my two daughters (almost 17 and 21).

My ex-husband and his wife have practically nothing to do with my daughters and are in the process of adopting from outside the country. While my two daughters want him to find happiness, they're deeply hurt that they don't give them the time of day, but are focusing on a child that doesn't even exist yet.

My relationship with my step-daughter is middle-of-the-road, I guess. She's pretty independent and I haven't gotten the chance to form a very deep bond with her. Her relationship with her father on the other hand, has gotten tremendously better since I came into the picture, so I guess I serve a purpose after all.

With his job, he wasn't able to see her as much as he does now. Because I work from home, she has a much more consistent schedule, because I'm around to get her and bring her back. On the flip-side, I sometimes feel like a baby-sitter.

My husband's relationship with my daughters? Well, one word would sum it up nicely. It sucks. Make that two words.

It's a work in progress. Let's just put it that way.

Great thread, by the way. I hope to be able to learn lots from you step-pros!

 

[MushyMushy]

Please pass this along to your husband....

My dad died when I was 4 and my mom remarried when I was 7. I hated my stepfather... absolutely hated him although I didn't know why. I would do anything and everything I could to make his life miserable. Never once did he ever do anything to warrant such attitude from me and never once did he come back at me (although I deserved it ). I'm 30 now and regret every single minute of every single day what I did to him. He is the kindest man you would ever meet. It torments me that I was so horrible to him. I finally realized when I was about 18 that it wasn't him... I would have hated anyone. It was me dealing with my dad's death. I spend my time now trying to make up to him what I did. I actually have considered now after 23 years asking that he legally adopt me. I know it would mean the world to him.

Your son will hopefully come to that realization as well. One day he will look back and be very sorry... I know I am

Awww, that's so sad. You couldn't help it -- you were just a kid.

My husband's relationship with my daughters? Well, one word would sum it up nicely. It sucks. Make that two words.

Just out of curiosity, do you feel that your DD's contribute to this general suckiness, or does your DH contribute more? In my situation, I know my son is absolutely the culprit, but my DH doesn't help matters any by throwing up his hands in defeat.

 

[crz4mm2]

My Mom remarried when I was about 11. My step Dad was wonderful. He died in 1995. I miss him every day.

 

[NMAmy]

DH is my dd's stepdad and they have a fabulous relationship--they're pals and co-conspirators. She has a dad who is very involved in her life and DH made it clear right from the start that he knew he wasn't her dad and wanted a different kind of relationship. He's never disciplined her--one reason being that he's never needed to. She's a perfect little angel girl around him and adores him and he adores her right back. She does have issues with her stepmother but I won't go into that here.

I'm also a stepmother but DH's daughter was in her 20's the first time I met her and lives in England. Because he was gone so much when she was growing up, they're not very close although dh would like to be closer. I've become the liasion between the two of them. Because she's older, she knows I don't want to be her mom but her friend. I send gifts for birthdays, Christmas, and just because. She and I email back and forth once a week and we're going for another visit this summer. Plus, she knows she always has an open invitation to come here but between work and school and her boyfriend, it's difficult for her to get away. She's a really wonderful person and I think her mom did a fantastic job raising her.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

Awww, that's so sad. You couldn't help it -- you were just a kid.



Just out of curiosity, do you feel that your DD's contribute to this general suckiness, or does your DH contribute more? In my situation, I know my son is absolutely the culprit, but my DH doesn't help matters any by throwing up his hands in defeat.

Oh yes, they're far from perfect! Especially the youngest, the one who's had to live with us the longest.

He and my oldest got along fine and then she made the "grave" mistake of walking into our bedroom without knocking first. It was something that she'd always done. Just because the unwritten rules had all the sudden changed, didn't seem fair when he exploded on her.

See... she walked in on something - something, if you get my drift.

They got into it and it fractured the relationship severely. She moved off to college a few months later, so they never really totally got over it, but they do get along now.

The youngest... well, she's got her own personality issues. They antagonize one another and it drives me nuts. She gets on his nerves and he gets on her nerves and I see the justification behind it both.

Of course, I'm in the middle as usual.

 

[elizke]

I'm a stepmom. When I started dating my DH to be, they were 4 and 7, and now they are 27 and 30 and married and on their own.

We've always had a great relationship, largely because they are just good kids. But also because I never tried to be anything but a supportive figure in their lives, both emotionally and financially.

Things can get sticky with step families and finances, but seeing my DH step up when he should was part of what I admire about him. My DSD asked me once what made me want to get attached to someone with kids and financial responsibilities, and I told her because seeing how much he loved you guys and took such responsibility for you was a big part of why I loved him. It also helped that since the beginning the kids were never the kind to take advantage financially either.

Another thing I considered of utmost importance and always tell anyone entering the stepparent role if they ask, is that I think the step parent should NEVER say anything negative about the ex. In fact I always defended her when my DSD would start complaining, and still do. A symathetic chuckle is the furthest I ever go still. I can't stress this enough. I think it's so important if at all possible to feel good about your parents.

Even if there is nothing good to say, the step parent cannot be the one to make derogatory comments. I think that even when DSD was having the most trouble with her mom (after mom married for the fourth time), DSD was always glad inside to hear me defend her mom or view her sympathetically.

And I must say they are great big siblings now to DS10 and DD8. I feel very lucky.

One more thing...In my family and DH's, the step family thing is a whole lot tougher when it's a step dad. I know it's not always the case, but for my sister and sister-in-law it has not gone well or come at all easy!!

 

[Stitchfans]

DH is a step dad to oldest DD and IMO they have a great relationship. He treats her like she was his own. My dad remarried and his wife is a wonderful, loving woman but she is more of a friend than a step mother since I am only 12 years younger than her.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

Another thing I considered of utmost importance and always tell anyone entering the stepparent role if they ask, is that I think the step parent should NEVER say anything negative about the ex. In fact I always defended her when my DSD would start complaining, and still do. A symathetic chuckle is the furthest I ever go still. I can't stress this enough. I think it's so important if at all possible to feel good about your parents.

Even if there is nothing good to say, the step parent cannot be the one to make derogatory comments. I think that even when DSD was having the most trouble with her mom (after mom married for the fourth time), DSD was always glad inside to hear me defend her mom or view her sympathetically.

And I must say they are great big siblings now to DS10 and DD8. I feel very lucky.

So true!

My daughter's step-mother won't allow them to mention my name in front of them. Not even the word "Mother", when they're speaking to their dad.

My oldest daughter lived with them briefly, and she had to remove every picture from her room that I was in. If I'm mentioned, the step-mother bursts into tears.

This is five years later. This is also the woman that cheated with my husband and broke up my family.

Trust me, when it comes to her, and him for that matter, I do a LOT of tongue biting. So does my husband, because he was cheated on by his daughter's mother, who is also now married to the man she cheated with.

Everyone confused yet???

 

[elizke]

So true!

My daughter's step-mother won't allow them to mention my name in front of them. Not even the word "Mother", when they're speaking to their dad.

My oldest daughter lived with them briefly, and she had to remove every picture from her room that I was in. If I'm mentioned, the step-mother bursts into tears.

This is five years later. This is also the woman that cheated with my husband and broke up my family.

Trust me, when it comes to her, and him for that matter, I do a LOT of tongue biting. So does my husband, because he was cheated on by his daughter's mother, who is also now married to the man she cheated with.

Everyone confused yet???

How ridiculous!!! She sounds incredibly insecure and self absorbed!! The whole step thing really requires maturity all around. Too bad she did not step up.