Stay At Home Dads

[becka]

DH and I have been discussing what we are going to do as far as childcare goes when #2 gets here. It looks like our options are to either fork over $1500+/month for daycare or have DH stay at home. With that kind of daycare bill each month DH would probably only be bringing in a few hundred each month at the most and with taxes, etc. we are thinking we might just break even.

DH is a wonderful father but it is scary for both of us to think about him staying home. He is really worried about getting back into the marketplace after the kids start school (he is a chemist). There are not many chemistry jobs in our area and the job he has now is just too perfect. Great benefits, very flexible when kids are sick, etc..

Plus he is worried that he will go crazy at home with 2 kids. He knows that he will have to work with them on learning letters/numbers, reading books, crafts, taking them to the park, etc.. He does some of that now but if they leave daycare then they will have to pretty much get it all here. I know there are Mom groups in this area but I have never heard of a Daddy group for him to get some support. We just don't know anyone that has ever done this.

Plus I really worry about our marriage a little. I am the one who really wants to stay home but because of finances that is not possible. I am worried about the stress of being the only one bringing in money, insurance, etc.. Plus I am worried that there will be a little resentment on my part that DH is getting to do what I want to do and I know he won't enjoy it as much as I would.

Have any other stay at home Dads encountered this kind of stuff? Has has it worked for you? DH asked me to post this so he could get some "real-life" opinions from others in the same type of position so anything you can offer would be appreciated.

Thanks!

 

[Micca]

Any way he could keep his job and you get a part time job to cover the child care? Surely you could find someone who has an in home daycare or would come to your house for less than $1500 per month

 

[becka]

I make significantly more than my DH so me staying home is not really an option. We discussed DH trying to find a job that pays $10-15,000 more a year and me picking up a part-time job but as I mentioned finding a chemistry job in this area is extremely difficult and with both of us working we really need him to have a job that is pretty flexible like the one he has.

We thought about bringing someone in to our house or home daycare but I am just not comfortable with that as an option at this time. I prefer the daycare center DS currently goes to. I am very comfortable with the staff there and I believe they are doing a great job with DS and I want to keep our kids together if they are in daycare.

 

[Beth76]

Well, I say "kudos" to your DH for even considering it!!! It will be a big change in his life, but it could be a very rewarding experience. I don't know where in MO you are, but I'm in STL and I haven't seen many SAHDs. So support from other dads might be limited. I have a friend who was in some sort of "moms" group and a SAHD wanted to join and they wouldn't let him, citing some rule from the national organization. My friend quit after that.

I can understand him not wanting to leave a job that he enjoys and has good benefits. I would suggest to him that he take a few days off and spend them entirely with your older daughter (or is it son?), taking on the role of SAHD. That would include housework, cooking, finding activities for the little ones. Do you have friends that would be able to form a playgroup with your DH. My playgroup has been a life-saver for me. A few hours to get out of the house and talk with other adults. Also, look into the Parents As Teachers program in your school district. They often have lots of activities and programs that could be useful.

Good luck to you whatever you decide!!!

 

[Lewski709]

Similar situation that I am in. I know it is very difficult as is, but DH staying home would only create resentment on my part. It difficult enough as is as DH is self employed and has much more flexibility than I to care for the children. For us, DH being home would save us a little money.....but not worth it for the stress it would cause on our relationship. OH, he doesn't clean up or pick up well and he doesn't cook either.

I say look for another daycare. You are bound to be able to find somehthing cheaper. It may not be a facility, but rather a licensed home. That's the route we took.

 

[becka]

Thanks for the responses. Any more opinions? Are there any actual stay at home dads on the boards?

 

[DVC-Don]

I was a full time SAHD from late 1992 to the end of 1999. From early 2000 till now I have worked part time now that both kids are in school full time. In 1992 my wife made 2.5 times my salary so it was a no brainer to us. We sat down with our tax guy and figured out that I was only reallly making a couple hundred dollars a week with the higher tax bracket it pushed us into and extra money to commute, buy suits, have lunch money and child care. I do not regret it at all and really enjoyed raising my our own kids and not paying someone else to do it for us.

See if you 2 can find some other SAHD dads nearby. Nowaday their may be internet support groups. I did find that the SAHM's avoided us, especially in the early days.

 

[Purrrrfecta]

Hi!

My hsband is a stay at home dad
He is able to work from home and take care of her. She is 15 months old. Now, I admit he does not clean the house, and I am left with that responsibility, but he does take care of her, and he does a wonderful job. My father thinks he is the greatest dad, and believe me that is a compliment.

At first my husband thought he was not going to be able to do it, but after he got into it he was fine.
I think that if the husband is not organized you might want to devise a schedule for him so he can do things in an orderly way. I know my husband was stressed out because his time management was off.

Try it, and see how it goes. How old are your two kids?

 

[oogieboogie]

DH is a SAHD. Has been for over 6 years now, ever since we had our first son. I make significantly more than he does in the beginning and it just made more sense. By the time we had to pay daycare, commuting costs, work costs, it would have just eaten up his paycheck. That and we just don't trust daycare or babysitters whatsoever. We just didn't feel comfortable leaving our son with someone who can't give him full attention.

The kids do quite well with him. He takes them to the park, to school, etc and works with their numbers and letters. He does the house chores like cleaning, laundry, yard work. He doesn't cook and I don't let him cause he's a horrible cook - he makes simple lunches for the kids.

DH is a volunteer over the internet which is flexible time wise. He's also involved at school and volunteers his time there too.

The only problem he has and this has been ongoing is that it's very hard for him to get close to the other mothers at school. When the other mothers get together, invariably the conversation will turn to women issues, such as periods, childbirth, etc which DH can't participate in comfortably.

Right now, one of my co-worker is also in the same situation. Her husband got laid-off right before the baby's birth. They also made the decision that he would be an SAHD for the time being.

There are several SAHD websites out there that also lists links to SAHD groups around the country. Just google SAHD and you should be able to find message boards and websites to help you.

 

[hubby_of_newtodisney]

I was a great SAHD, but an awful Stay at Home Husband. What I mean is, I had a great time playing with my daughter, and took great care of her, but I was an awful house-keeper.

Also, even though my salary did NOT do much more than cover the cost of day care, it opened up the possibility of making more money in the future.

It takes a very special man to succeed as a sahd...I was not overly successful.

The only way to find out if your husband has "the right stuff" is for him to try it out. No situation is permanent. He can always go back to work after a few months if it doesn't turn out to be his cup of tea. He won't have any regrets, as long as he doesn't feel stuck with his decision. I don't regret the months that I spent with my eldest. It was fun while it lasted!

Best of luck!

 

[Jenn Lynn]

becka-I don't have any advice from the SAHD point of view, but the best advice I can give as a SAHM is to make sure he gets out of the house with the kids. Maybe enroll your son in some activites with your YMCA-parent/tot swimming, parent/tot gymnastics. There are lots of parents who also have infants and they just bring them along. Check out your library for story time/playgroups. I also found that a schedule with activites listed is great! Maybe a list of lunch ideas, craft ideas, etc.

Have you done a search for SAHD groups? There are a lot of resources out there.

Good Luck!

edit to add links-
Dad-to-Dad I saw this one on Oprah.

At home Dads

 

[Deafmedic]

Not sure if I should reply to this or not. My wife is a flight nurse and works 24 hour shifts on Mondays and Thursdays. Those are the days I'm the SAHD. But, I usually take the twins to my office and do paperwork, deliver specimens or assist my coworkers. My secretary will watch the twins and pick up the other daughters when school lets out if I need to go into the lab and assist with anything or have a meeting with families, lawyers or other physicians. I would love to be a SAHD. I have the utmost respect for any man who attempts or does it on a full time basis. My hat goes off for you and hope that all works out for the better.

 

[mtemm]

I'm a SAHM but wanted to say that we always have lots of SAHD's at playgroups I take my son to...we have them at the library and at the YMCA. Kindermusik, too, from what I've heard, although we are just starting up next weekend. I'm sure it will be a tough adjustment, a good thing that you are talking it thru now. good luck!

 

[mtemm]

Originally posted by hubby_of_newtodisney
I was a great SAHD, but an awful Stay at Home Husband. What I mean is, I had a great time playing with my daughter, and took great care of her, but I was an awful house-keeper.

Also, even though my salary did NOT do much more than cover the cost of day care, it opened up the possibility of making more money in the future.

It takes a very special man to succeed as a sahd...I was not overly successful.

The only way to find out if your husband has "the right stuff" is for him to try it out. No situation is permanent. He can always go back to work after a few months if it doesn't turn out to be his cup of tea. He won't have any regrets, as long as he doesn't feel stuck with his decision. I don't regret the months that I spent with my eldest. It was fun while it lasted!

Best of luck!

hey! I was just going to add to my post that my sister's dh stayed home for a bit, but lo and behold her he is

 

[ksjayhawks]

Can he take a week of his vacation and try being a SAHD? That would give him a taste of what it is like and an idea if this is something he would like to do and, most importantly, if he would be happy doing this and not bitter or resentful later on. If he doesn't really want to do it, I would look around for other daycare options that would be more reasonable in cost.

Good luck in whatever you do!

 

[SnowAngel]

My dh is a stay at home dad but not really working out well. He doesn't like to clean or cook much. He loves being with the girls but gets tired of being with them all day. He just started school so he could get back into the work force. I work and then come home to messy house, screaming kids, general mess and dh on the computer in his own little world.
It also created some jealousy. I was the one who really wanted to stay home but we really didn't have a choice. He didn't enjoy it but I would love it.

I think it really depends on your dh. Is his personality set out for it? Having a schedule always helps and getting out during the day.

Good Luck.

 

[becka]

Thanks for all the advice and personal experiences. This is just such a huge life changing decision for all of us and it is difficult to decide if we are doing the right thing - whatever we choose. We really just want what will be best for all of us.

DH has been home with DS for up to a week by himself before and he usually is fine with it - even when he is home with DS sick but this is a much longer time frame than a week. Plus, during those weeks DH and DS are usually just "buddies" and DH isn't trying to plan activities for him, pick up the house some, etc.. Plus neither one of us knows what it is going to be like to handle a 2 y/o and a newborn at the same time. It will certainly be more work and more stress.

I think DH is really concerned that he cannot provide some of the same levels of activities that DS is used to getting in preschool. Less socialization (even if we put him in activities), less creative artsy type stuff, less structure, etc.. DS has really thrived in the 2 y/o room he is currently in and I think DH is afraid of setting him back.

I am also concerned about lack of support for DH. Like I said we just don't know anyone who is doing the SAHD routine and there do not appear to be any resources locally. All of my friends are working Moms so I don't really have any access to SAHM's that might be able to work with DH. Then again I can see DH being a little uncomfortable in that situation anyway.

AAARRRGGGHHHH!!! Someone was crazy to think that DH and I should be trusted with the responsibilities of trying to raise kids by ourselves!!!! I keep thinking that someone much more responsible and wise should be making these decisions for us. Half the time I still see DH and I as two 18 year olds in college - it just doesn't quite seem possible that so much time has gone by and that we are really parents whose decisions for our kids are so important.

 

[momsully]

I don't really have any advice but I was in a similar situation 2.5 years ago. My husband and I both work and our boys are 2.5 years apart. For two years we paid $1800 month in childcare but it was a decision we came to after much of the same soul searching you are going thru. I really wanted to stay home but I made more money and it did not make sense financially. I also did not want to pull my oldest out of the preschool he was in because he loved it and was thriving. DH could stay home for a couple of days but was not really good at the long term thing and we decided the stress on our marriage would be to much. Now 2.5 years later DS started Kindergarten, our daycare costs are cut in half, and we are saving so I can work part time and be around when the kids get home from school.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

 

[Jenn Lynn]

becka- Could your DS go to daycare part-time and DH stay home with the newborn full-time? That way DS gets his outside activites, he wouldn't have 2 kids at once all day, maybe less stressful?

 

[missypie]

DH has neen a SAHD for 14 years. If you asked the two of us how it has worked out, he would say "Fantastic." I would say "Marginal." He has always seen his job as being a stay at home DAD...not a housewife. That was great when the kids were small...he probably did a better job than I would have done because he would play with them and take them places and let the house be a pig sty...I probably would have cleaned, then taken them places if I had the time.

But lots of resentment can build up if you work outside the home all day, and still have to come home and do the cooking and cleaning. Most men weren't rasied to cook and clean. They just look past huge messes.

On the plus side, DH gets HUGE strokes for doing what he is doing. He would take a baby to the grocery store during the day and all the ladies at the store would just coo over him. (A woman would take 6 kids to the store and no one would do anything but ask her to keep her kids quiet.) He has always been the token male volunteer at Vacation Bible School and gets so many more thanks than the ladies who do that.

Socially, there were no "play dates" in the house while the kids were little. But there were plenty of opportunities to socialize outside of our home.

My big issue is that once all the kids were in school all day, the level of cleaning and cooking didn't improve at all. So now he's home 7 hours a day without kids.....but you've got years before you get there!