spoiling children...yes or no

[wendy darling]

For those of you with children, would you spoil your children if you could, or have you spoiled your children? I know alot of my friends who have children- some spoil and some do not. I see no difference in the children in terms of manners, knowing the value of a dollar, etc...

I do not have children. I grew up with just one older sister. We grew up never hearing the word no.

I just thought i would bring this topic up because the holidays are upon us.

 

[Aliceacc]

How do you define "spoil???"

My kids have more than their basic needs. They went to Disney last summer. They're getting a Wii for Christmas, in addition to other presents. We have a pool in the back yard, and had Burger King for dinner last night. (I had a doctor's appointment after work and got home late.) By the standards of most of the world, all that makes my kids "spoiled."

But Sunday at the diner, the waitress complimented my kids as being very well behaved. My kids hear "no" all the time-- no out after dinner on school nights, no to a movie that's not appropriate, no to treating each other rudely, no to the endless list of toys their friend have that we simply can't afford... the list goes on and on and on and on.

This year my kids have had to deal with the loss of a grandparent eight days after my mastectomy-- there was a LOT of stress in the second week of school!!! And they pulled through admirably. They're great kids.

Are they "spoiled"??? I have no idea. But I love them enough to impose boundaries, and enough to occasionally let some of those boundaries slip just a little.

 

[wendy darling]

How do you define "spoil???"

My kids have more than their basic needs. They went to Disney last summer. They're getting a Wii for Christmas, in addition to other presents. We have a pool in the back yard, and had Burger King for dinner last night. (I had a doctor's appointment after work and got home late.) By the standards of most of the world, all that makes my kids "spoiled."

But Sunday at the diner, the waitress complimented my kids as being very well behaved. My kids hear "no" all the time-- no out after dinner on school nights, no to a movie that's not appropriate, no to treating each other rudely, no to the endless list of toys their friend have that we simply can't afford... the list goes on and on and on and on.

This year my kids have had to deal with the loss of a grandparent eight days after my mastectomy-- there was a LOT of stress in the second week of school!!! And they pulled through admirably. They're great kids.

Are they "spoiled"??? I have no idea. But I love them enough to impose boundaries, and enough to occasionally let some of those boundaries slip just a little.

They sound like great kids.
Yes, i would consider that you spoil your children which is not a bad thing.
I have alot of respect for well-behaved children and the parents that teach them that

And my parents did say no if we wanted to do something that was dangerous, and not good for us.

 

[heidijot]

I am preschool teacher and have seen a lot over the years. There is a difference between giving your child opportunities and spoiling. Spoiling is not setting limits, allowing your child not to do for themselves and not learning the power of no!!.
When a child has boundaries, rules and limits to live by they feel more secure. I do believe in giving your child things ( not always material) that you yourself did not have. God knows as a mother I did and still do. But with out consequences and responsability...that is a spoiled child.

Heidi

 

[wendy darling]

I am preschool teacher and have seen a lot over the years. There is a difference between giving your child opportunities and spoiling. Spoiling is not setting limits, allowing your child not to do for themselves and not learning the power of no!!.
When a child has boundaries, rules and limits to live by they fell more secure. I do believe in giving your child things ( not always material) that you yourself did not have. God nows as a mother I did and still do. But with out consequences and responsability...that is a spoiled child.

Heidi

Then that was not my parents, I had responsiblities, as did my sister. maybe spolied is not the right word- privileged maybe (not to be snobby- becuase I am not)??

 

[LaraK]

Compared with my upbringing I spoil them rotten. Compared with most folks, I don't know...mind are kinda normal.

We didn't have much when I was growing up. My husband and I both have solid good paying jobs. We have those jobs because we worked our butts off and put off having kids until we were older. Due to that, we have the means to give our kids more than our parents could give us. The balance is determining the difference between "need" and "want" and purchase accordingly. Want once in a while is ok, but it shouldn't be all the time.

 

[maelstrom]

I was a VERY spoiled only child. Now I'm 22 and people (my parents) expect me to do things for myself and I'm clueless.

I'm very grateful for our home, my car, all of our trips to Disney World and Disneyland, and all of the "stuff" that I've gotten over the years, but I really wish my parents had set me "free" a little bit more so that I wouldn't be 22 now and clueless.

Don't let spoiling and stifling/overprotectiveness go hand-in-hand!!

 

[EthansMom]

DH and I try to spoil our kids in the right ways. We love to give them books, read to them, take them to their sports, play games together, take them on nice trips, etc...

But, our kids have age-appropriate boundaries. They have a reasonable bed-time, have to do their schoolwork before playing videogames, and they know that Mom and Dad are "in charge".

So, I guess we don't "spoil our kids rotten".

 

[cruellababy]

We spoil our kids-all the gadgets;computers,cable boxes and tv's in their rooms and multiple trips to WDW and DCL. Way more than my parents ever did for the 6 of us- But, my kids are well behaved and polite-my DD was an altar girl and a girl scout for many years; my boys are 7 and 3 but they are sweet and do think of others and share pretty well. They do hear "no";but I tend to give in when they ask for something.

 

[mumom95]

I go all out on birthdays and Christmas, and I love to give my kids "experiences" so they've traveled a decent amount, and attended many sporting events, plays, stuff like that. They've also done sports, drawing classes, day camps, just stuff kids enjoy.

But I've also tried to teach them that they don't get everything they want. My kids have known from a very young age, when we walk into a store and they see something they want, I'm not buying it (although, there have been a few occasions throughout their life that I've let that rule slide, but it is very few and far between). They don't even ask. If they've saved up their own money, they may spend it however they chose, but for the most part if it isn't for their birthday or Christmas, I'm not buying it. My kids have also known from a very young age that they are expected to behave in a restaurant or any other type place, and if they don't, we'll walk out. It only took once, when my son was 4, of us walking out of his favorite pizza restaurant, with the pizza still sitting on the table, to teach him that lesson.

We could indulge our kids a lot more than we do, and it's hard to know what is too much. I want be able to give my kids a lot, but I also want to teach them that everything in life will not just be handed to them, because I want them to be responsible adults someday.

Somedays I think I get it right, and somedays I'm sure I got it wrong. But I've had complete strangers coment how well behaved my kids are, so I'm hoping that means I've done more things right than wrong.

I love Aliceacc's quote: I love them enough to impose boundaries, and enough to occasionally let some of those boundaries slip just a little.

 

[mom2travel]

Rather than "spoiled" which sounds like a temper-tantrum in the making, I like to think that our children are lucky that they have parents who are able to afford to give them opportunities they may not have otherwise had. They have been to WDW numerous times, to a couple Caribbean islands and Hawaii; DH & I love to travel - to spend time as a family and decompress from work and the rest of the craziness of every day life.
They both compete in sports that cost money (what doesn't these days?), and DS who is 13 knows he is lucky to be able to do that and has thanked me for it. We try to emphasize that DH & I work hard and that is why we can do what we do; but that saving and spending wisely is important too. Donating time, money and gently used items is something we do as much as we can; they know there are others who are in need. They certainly have heard the word "no" many times - from having tvs in their bedrooms, to staying up too late, to buying "stuff" when out with us and they don't have their own money, etc. We constantly hear from other parents, teachers, coaches that our children are polite and considerate. So we keep trying to give them opportunities, to teach them that nothing comes for free and one day they will be the ones that need to work hard. Hopefully it will stick

 

[Family Fun Mom]

No. As parents it's our job to teach our kids boundaries. There is a reason why they call it "spoil". In a sense, you ruin them. They are left unprepared for the real world.

The reward to good parenting is a child who becomes a well rounded adult and grandchildren that you can spoil.

 

[pansmermaidzlagoon]

I am preschool teacher and have seen a lot over the years. There is a difference between giving your child opportunities and spoiling. Spoiling is not setting limits, allowing your child not to do for themselves and not learning the power of no!!.
When a child has boundaries, rules and limits to live by they feel more secure. I do believe in giving your child things ( not always material) that you yourself did not have. God knows as a mother I did and still do. But with out consequences and responsability...that is a spoiled child.

Heidi

I agree with this. I had heard and believe that lack of discipline is what spoils a child not how much they have. We give our DD more than she probably should have (we do not give her everything she wants or when she wants it), but she is very much disciplined and taught to value what she has. We also emphasize opportunities (travel and extra-curricular classes/activities) over stuff.

 

[disykat]

I would never use the word "spoil" in a positive sense, so I guess that means a giant "no." That doesn't mean my kids don't have material possessions. They certainly have more than their basic needs.

 

[John Smith1]

Children learn about authority through their first authority figures, their parents. If they are taught responsibility and limits and how things are EARNED and not just given they learn to be responsible adults. It is our job to make sure of that early, with love, because, like my Grandmama always said, someone who DOESN'T love them will teach them later, and it will HURT!

She always said you can judge how spoiled or unspoiled a child is by how often people ask to take them out or take care of them. NO ONE volunteers to take care of a spoiled child!

 

[C.Ann]

No - I didn't spoil my kids (couldn't have even if I wanted to due to finances) - but even if I was rolling in money, I wouldn't have.. I was raised very frugally and raised my children the same way.. There were limits to everything and if they wanted material items that were more expensive than what I felt was "reasonable", then it was up to them to go out and earn the money to buy said items..

I also never spoiled them in terms of letting them have their own way - or doing things just because "everyone else" was doing them.. They had chores they were expected to perform around the house (which they were not "paid" for) - they had manners they were expected to use at all times - and I was not their "short order" cook.. Whatever was served, they ate - without a hassle..

I was involved with their schooling, but never to the point where I would be storming into the classroom or principals office for many of the things I see posted here on the DIS on a regular basis..

They all have very fond memories of their childhood, so I guess it was "okay" not to "spoil" them..

 

[KyraS]

I have two children and have always strived to give them everything they want within reason. Alot of people would say that yes we spoil them but I couldn't be prouder of them. My 17 year old is a Junior in High School, Class President, on every sports team imaginable and just scored well on his ACT. He also has straight A's. Of course he isn't perfect but he's really a good kid.

Our daughter is only 15 months old so we don't know yet how she will act but in terms of raising her I honestly won't do anything different then we did with our son.

 

[ols386]

Children learn about authority through their first authority figures, their parents. If they are taught responsibility and limits and how things are EARNED and not just given they learn to be responsible adults. It is our job to make sure of that early, with love, because, like my Grandmama always said, someone who DOESN'T love them will teach them later, and it will HURT!

She always said you can judge how spoiled or unspoiled a child is by how often people ask to take them out or take care of them. NO ONE volunteers to take care of a spoiled child!

That's a great post!

 

[John Smith1]

That's a great post!

why THANK YOU!

Ain't nothing like Big Mama wisdom!

 

[hrh_disney_queen]

My kids aren't spoiled..they just smell that way.