I started to write the next installment this morning and when my fingers hit the keyboard, emotions came out that were a result of events surrounding this trip and impacted this trip but not about the TR itself.
Make any sense?
Well instead of hitting erase, I think I will just put it out there. I know I am not the only one who faces dilemmas like this in our daily lives and if anyone can get something out of my rambling, then I will feel better.
The trip was originally planned to be longer but with Baylor being in Colorado for Burn Camp, Treyner needing to drive across country for college (and figuring out the cheapest plan for that possible) it could not start sooner than it did.
Then to lengthen it on the back end did was not feasible either, because in order to have the kids with their Dad for Christmas, to allow us an extended family Christmas on New Years, this was the best we could do.
To be honest, the master plan had started to fall apart before we left, in regards to some of the Holiday gatherings
and then fell apart even more throughout the time we were gone and even when we got home.
If I would have paid attention
to the signals instead of putting my head in the sand, I could have made arrangement to extend the trip by a day, a week before even. But alas, I am just one of those people who expect the best out of others and expect when I give and make sacrifices, they will too. For that I should be put in the corner and made to wear a dunce hat!
Looking back and preparing to write this day of the TR, I was flooded with emotion. It was the first day of the trip for me in many ways. I would be picking up Baylor at the airport that night and the kids would finally be back together after only seeing one another 36 hours, since August.
It was the night we finally arrived at CBR.
Knowing I shortened the trip and that the reasons for it did not end up coming to fruition, still chaps my @ss to be honest.
So it would be fake of me to just write like I had flowers blooming out of my keester
when truthfully, I need to vent and then move on.
There are just times in your life that change your perspective on how you will do things in your future and I can tell you that this trip and the cr@ptastic Holiday Drama surrounding it, was one of those moments.
I had the trip as short as it was to accommodate other peoples schedules and try to cooperate with many peoples Christmas events. I tried to work ours around theirs and that can only lead to disater when the people you try and cooperate with, do not do the same in return.
I look back at this trip as I am writing this, and know the outcome. Know how I would have liked to have spent the days and time and know that for a 48 hour drive through snow and sleet and rain, an extra day there was beyond deserved. That it is okay to say you deserve something. That you can take care of yourself and not have to feel like you are being selfish.
It is not that we had a bad time at all. Please know that. It is just that it was not the experience it could have been if we would have done things with ourselves as a priority, rather than everyone else.
I was always taught to give money when I could give it without expecting it back. That if you expect to get the money back then you will set yourself up for a strained relationship and animosity with that person in the future if they do not pay you back.
I think that philosophy needs to go deeper than just money though. Make sure you make your choices with what your goals are as the focal point. Make sure if you are doing something to accommodate others, it will not impact or matter to you if it changes or doesnt end up how you envisioned it.
Traveling with others is a prime example. If you do not have the same priorities for the trip, then someone will not come out happy about their experience.
My family and another family took a trip in 2006 to Disney. Business and pleasure combined. Because I am the Disney, go to person, I was Polly Planner. I was a moron.
We are not the same type of people. We do not spend the same, discipline the same, eat the same and so what the heck I was thinking, I have no clue. I knew that going into it. I pushed some of those fears down because they wanted to go. They did not though want to compromise on anything, listen to any advice from someone who has been there and so how I did not see
the Tsunami before it hit, is beyond me.
Looking back, I was expecting different behavior, grateful behavior, non complaining behavior. I was expecting not to have to discipline their children or babysit them. Why? Because I was dumb enough to believe that what is status quo at home, would somehow not be the same there. It wasnt. It was the same. And I was the only one miserable.
I can totally recall being at a private dessert party at Epcot and watching Illuminations and craning my neck to make sure they could see and worrying if they paid attention to things and frazzled when they went to get more dessert rather than watching the show. For goodness sakes we had just gorged ourselves at dinner! Can't you wait a second for the next cream puff?
It was at that moment I realized I was the one not happy. I was the one not enjoying myself. If they were fine then what the heck did I care for?
Why?
Because I was the one invested. I was the one with hours on the phone for reservations, hotel and flight bookings. I was the one who had read every new book, scanned the boards all in hopes of delivering a perfect trip.
They had done nothing at all but save and spend their money. They did not expect anything different because they did none of the work to help out. Its easy to have no expectations if you aren't invested in the outcome.
I cant expect to lose weight if I do not lower my calories. The second I lower them though and want to see the success, if the scale does not drop, it is going to get thrown through the window.
So in 2006 I figured it out for friends. The piece of me that says I am not responsible for 100% of anything in a friendsip.
In December 2009, I finally understood it to be true for family as well. That just because they are family, does not mean you have to lesson your happiness to please others that do not try in return. That I was so busy pleasing everyone else, that would never give the same back, I forgot I did not please me. That it is okay to set expectations for others and if they do not want to meet you at least in the middle, you do not have to forgo your happiness. That it is okay to be happy just for you.
I was raised Lutheran but baptised Catholic and I swear the curse of the Catholic guilt is something I will fight till the day I die! At least now I am okay fighting fair. It's a start!
If you remember anything else...post away!
I do so love to read, and I tried to be so careful to not show my tru nature, I have to be vewwy vewwy caweful, I'm hunting wabbits. You know those little furry things.
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