Sort of budget related...a vent

[DISdreamin']

Something that happened the other day has me really peeved, and I would apprecaite your input on the situation. I was out with a friend who is always and forever broke. As in, it's a week until payday and she is asking me to loan her $ to get milk/bread/etc for her kids to get through the week. This doesn't happen every week, but it happens at least once every couple months. And honestly, it didn't bother me until just the other day...

Her family got their tax return recently and she was bragging about being all caught up on bills. Of course, I was happy for her. And then she points out her new boots, a pair of Uggs. And that leads me to remember that last year it was a Coach purse and wallet, and the year before, it was probably something else that was bought with the tax return. It's like the money burns a hole in her/their pocket. And now, today, with payday a week away, she's complaining about not having $ again.

I know it's petty of me, but this really has me ticked. I'm thinking no more loaning money for me...and I know that's probably a petty thing to do, but it just frustrates me that instead of putting anything away for a rainy day, every cent apparently gets spent. I just don't get it. That money spent on those boots would have solved their money problem this week.

And now, brutal honest time - I considered buying similar boots last year when my old boots needed replacing, and I wonder if maybe part of what I am feeling is jealousy. But when I tried on those boots and thought about it, it just didn't make sense to me to spend that much on them. So I toodled off to the Bean outlet and got a pair of $20 winter boots that have worked out perfectly - I really like them, and I don't regret not getting the other ones for a second.

So help me understand why I am so ticked off about this...am I just petty or is there really something to be frustrated about on my part?

{donning flamesuit and awaiting the roasting}

 

[disneyfan55]

Something that happened the other day has me really peeved, and I would apprecaite your input on the situation. I was out with a friend who is always and forever broke. As in, it's a week until payday and she is asking me to loan her $ to get milk/bread/etc for her kids to get through the week. This doesn't happen every week, but it happens at least once every couple months. And honestly, it didn't bother me until just the other day...

Her family got their tax return recently and she was bragging about being all caught up on bills. Of course, I was happy for her. And then she points out her new boots, a pair of Uggs. And that leads me to remember that last year it was a Coach purse and wallet, and the year before, it was probably something else that was bought with the tax return. It's like the money burns a hole in her/their pocket. And now, today, with payday a week away, she's complaining about not having $ again.

I know it's petty of me, but this really has me ticked. I'm thinking no more loaning money for me...and I know that's probably a petty thing to do, but it just frustrates me that instead of putting anything away for a rainy day, every cent gets spent. I just don't get it. That money spent on those boots would have solved their money problem this week.

And now, brutal honest time - I considered buying similar boots last year when my old boots needed replacing, and I wonder if maybe part of what I am feeling is jealousy. But when I tried on those boots and thought about it, it just didn't make sense to me to spend that much on them. So I toodled off to the Bean outlet and got a pair of $20 winter boots that have worked out perfectly - I really like them, and I don't regret not getting the other ones for a second.

So help me understand why I am so ticked off about this...am I just petty or is there really something to be frustrated about on my part?

{donning flamesuit and awaiting the roasting}

You're ticked because your friend doesn't even try to save for a rainny day. I am the same. Don't complain about no money etc. when if you have it you spend it like it grows on trees and then cry the clues to everyone when you don't have anything left, like oh poor thing. I do the same I save/buy onsale or even then sometimes I don't, and I never complain about having no money (even when I don't!) I understand your frustration. Does she pay you back? Just curious! I really wouldn't want to lend her any either.

 

[DISdreamin']

You're ticked because your friend doesn't even try to save for a rainny day. I am the same. Don't complain about no money etc. when if you have it you spend it like it grows on trees and then cry the clues to everyone when you don't have anything left, like oh poor thing. I do the same I save/buy onsale or even then sometimes I don't, and I never complain about having no money (even when I don't!) I understand your frustration. Does she pay you back? Just curious! I really wouldn't want to lend her any either.

Oh, I should have mentioned - she ALWAYS pays me back. I have at times given her money (for Christmas I bought the family a gift card from the grocery store because they were very hard up for $$ at that time) but whenever it has been a loan, it has always been paid back - sometimes not when she originally thought, it may take a few extra weeks or even a month, but I never mention it and she always makes sure it is repaid.

Thank you for your reply - I'm glad to know at least I'm not the only one who sometimes feels this way.

 

[disneyfan55]

Oh, I should have mentioned - she ALWAYS pays me back. I have at times given her money (for Christmas I bought the family a gift card from the grocery store because they were very hard up for $$ at that time) but whenever it has been a loan, it has always been paid back - sometimes not when she originally thought, it may take a few extra weeks or even a month, but I never mention it and she always makes sure it is repaid.

Thank you for your reply - I'm glad to know at least I'm not the only one who sometimes feels this way.

You're welcome! At least she does pay you back and you don't have to ask. Does she buy what she says with the money borrowed at least?

 

[badblackpug]

It is frustrating. I have a friend who always cries broke, but she has a vacation home, buys her dinner every day that she works, and her 10 year old daughter has a wardrobe that rivals any movie stars. Not to mention that she takes multiple vacations a year. Granted, she never borrows money, but it is very annoying to constantly hear how she is behind on this bill or that.

Truthfully, I would stop lending your friend money. Maybe it will teach her better budgeting. If she asks you could say you are sorry but money is "tight" right now or that you are trying to put your extra money away.

 

[robinb]

Yeah. I know a couple of people like that. They just don't have the right priorities like basic food, clothing & a roof over their heads. Instead, they spend money on booze or organic food (only, none of that regular grocery store stuff for them!) or huge flat panel TVs or expensive video games or designer clothes or trips because they feel they deserve it. Well, maybe they do and maybe they are just squandering their money. It's frustrating to see someone spend their money on things and not spend it on things that matter.

That being said ... if your friend ONLY splurges with her tax return and then only on items like Ugg boots and a coach bag ($100-$200) I would cut her some slack. If she's buying luxury items and borrowing money to feed her kids all the time that's a more serious issue.

 

[SOnotLayuh]

I'm the same way - getting annoyed with friends who complain about not having money though they spend it all the time.

My best friend complains all the time that he can't afford community college and will be stuck as a pizza guy for the rest of his life... he works two jobs right now, and the CC tuition is only 50$/credit hour (about $150 a class), but he spends all of his money on CDs, concert tickets, DVDs, etc. Maybe it's just my age range... sometimes I feel a lot older than I really am because all of my friends are like this.

 

[pyrxtc]

I would stop loaning her money and maybe buy her a gift .... a nice book about managing your finances would be good. Stop enabling her.

 

[wdwfan16]

Just because somebody asks to borrow money does not mean you have to loan it to them. I think I would just tell her you need that money and feel bad that you can't help her. Maybe she will get mad, maybe she will learn that she needs to save or maybe she will find another to borrow from. One a year is fine, every few weeks or months is just too often.

 

[disneyfan55]

Oh, I am just curious, but how much money is the usual loan just for the milk bread etc? Just wondering. Also, doesn't she have family or maybe since you just lend it it's easier (or maybe she borrows from others as well)

 

[griswalds]

Then call me petty too because I would be ticked off if a friend did this to me. I am a sensible person, I would do exactly like you and get the $20 boots, you shouldn't have to pick up her slack. If you don't loan her anymore money and enable her behavior, she might have to go without bread and milk for a week BUT she might think before she spends.

 

[DISdreamin']

Thank you all for your responses!

To answer some of the questions...

Oh, I am just curious, but how much money is the usual loan just for the milk bread etc? Just wondering. Also, doesn't she have family or maybe since you just lend it it's easier (or maybe she borrows from others as well)

The usual loan has been anywhere between $20 and $150 depending on which time we're talking about. It happened a lot at the end of last year right before the holidays. They had no money for food once they bought gifts, etc. And the money, as far as I know, is always used to buy food. I give her rides to the grocery store as they don't have a car (can't afford one).

They really don't have anyone else to turn to as far as borrowing money. Both her and her DH have lost their parents, and the only close relative is as strapped for cash as they are (to hear her tell it, at least). When she asks me for money lamenting that her kids won't have milk, etc, I have a hard time ignoring that.

I know her DH doesn't make great money (the wages where he works are public knowledge - local government job) and she doesn't work so their income is really low, so it feels sort of spiteful to refuse to loan $20 or $50. I am going to stop lending money, though. I guess I am enabling her, when you put it that way.

 

[Hannathy]

I would give no more loans. If you feel like you are hurting the kids (ie it really is for bread and milk) I'd have a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread handy to hand her! I would give no more money only food or nothing at all. If she is really low income her kids could get reduced or free food at school if it is just poor choices you are doing without so she can splurge and are both an enabler and crazy.

 

[7beasley]

Now granted...I can be a little petty and mean sometimes...but if it was me -- I would stop lending the money and the next time she asked I would say "sorry - I really can't. I have been admiring your ugg boots/coach purse so much that I am saving my money so I can afford to buy new uggs/purse too!"

Why should you subsidize her luxury purchases -- if she is short each week/month then she really can't afford those purchases in the first place and that's not your problem!

Good luck!

 

[hsmamato2]

ummmm,not spiteful at all. your friend is a foolish spender,that's why she runs out of money to feed her kids,not b/c they make too little. If you're fine playing banker,then go ahead and keep it up. I would not want to do this.
If you're worried about the kids,buy an extra gallon of milk and box of cereal at the store and give them a gift. Maybe that will make the parents stop and think about their own actions,and the kids won't be hungry. Maybe she feels that b/c she pays you back later,she's not accepting charity,and she's fine. I'd think a gallon of milk handed to her might make her think about things more.
I;d also tell her that anyone who buys high end items should not have to ask for milk money,and give her the gift of a good Suze Orman book-
I'm not being harsh,but if YOU won't buy those overpriced boots,why should you fund your friends purchases?

 

[hsmamato2]

FWIW,when I bought the gallon of milk and bread or cereal,I'd be sure to get the generic store brand.It makes more of a statement. Not b/c it's not as high quality,but b/c saving money means making choices,even in small things.

 

[Ava]

I would be annoyed too, and I also would stop lending her money. I understand not wanting her kids to suffer, but she needs to learn how to budget her money so they don't run out before the next paycheck. Are you close enough with her that you could tactfully suggest she might qualify for food stamps or free lunch at school for her kids? If they really do not have enough money to last them till the next check, they very well may qualify for some assistance. If they don't qualify for assistance, they probably need to learn better budgeting skills.

Also, if they are getting a large tax return, they should probably take a look at their withholdings and have less tax withheld. That will give them more money in each check and maybe solve her problem of running out between checks (if she can learn to budget it).

 

[annsteere]

The part of your question that leads me to be the odd-man-out here is your concern that you would FEEL spiteful if you told her no.

If she was spending your small loans on gambling, or if she borrowed but never paid back, that would be one story. If she borrowed money from you that meant your own kids went without milk. I'd try to talk you into feeling OK with telling her no.

But, since she always pays you back, maybe you don't want to feel badly about telling her no. Maybe that makes you the authority/mother/teacher in a valuable friendship.

If you would feel better about saying "yes" than "no." Don't let her annual splurge determine your behavior. There is something nice in feeling good about yourself as a money manager and friend.

 

[PaulaSue]

Loaning money once is one thing, 2 times or more makes me think you are her sucker to fall back on. Especially when she does spend her money on junk not needed.

 

[*Seanaci*]

I have a very dear friend whose father in law was on his death bed backin December. She and her hubby had a newborn son that he had not yet seen. So, they drained their savings account to make the trip to Mississippi to see him. FIL passed away while they were there, so the trip ended up being extended due to getting funeral arrangments out of the way while they were there.

She posted a week after they got home how greatful she was to her hubby's co-workers who pooled together enough money for them to buy chirstmas for the kids...as they'd drained their savings to go see FIL.

Not a month later, she bought a pair of Kim Kardashian shoes off e-bay. And after having their taxes done was debating on buying a Juicy purse and something else. Not to mention, they're going to Vegas next month to renew their vows, planning their sons baptisim, their daughters 3rd birthday, planning a trip to Disneyland for her 30th birthday, and something else that seems to be slipping my mind. All the while still complaining every now and again of not having money.

I love this girl dearly! But, it comes to a point where you go "Quite complaining about the money you don't have and look at what you do have because you're so quick to spend money."

Anywho!

I don't blame you for being mad. And I wouldn't loan the friend money anymore. It actually makes me wonder if the times you did loan her money she actually spent it on milk/bread/etc for the kids till payday. KWIM?