Sorry I can't attend your Friday afternoon wedding, but WHY ARE YOU MAD ABOUT IT?

[RVGal]

Now that's just rude of your cousin's kids. *tsk tsk tsk* You have to express thanks some way, and not expressing thanks... Wow. That's some gumption.

Now, talking about your family history... Do you have a deep freeze, and if so, how empty is it?

My mother and grandmother didn't consider me married until I had a deep freeze!

Brandie

I have TWO. A chest and an upright.

We could NOT leave my grandparents house without them filling a bag or shoebox with something frozen, canned or otherwise homemade.

You have to eat or you haven't "visited" enough. Well, duh!

 

[keishashadow]

I guess I will just agree to disagree.

I have always felt my role is more to set an example of graciousness, than to keep score for whatever petty reason. That gifts are to be appreciated, regardless of the value. Hopefully, I have instilled this with all of my children because I firmly believe weddings should be a celebration of the marriage, not a social etiquette chess game.

I have always been very generous when gifting for weddings/showers, etc. Not because of any rule, but out of genuine care for the people I am honoring. It never occurred to me to consider reciprocation when gifting. I am fortunate to be surrounded with people who are not that petty.[/quote]

indeed you are fortunate

in my extended family's culture (Italian, certain Eastern European blocs) it is an insult to give "short-shift" on any gift; whether it be a wedding, baptism, communion. Even a wake requires the correct gift; even if it is a mass or covered dish.

While you deem it petty, perhaps beneath you; in my little world - it's all a matter of respect and tradition; especially when it comes to immediate family. We all know the rules and most of us tend to abide by them.

 

[muffyn]

You are correct. It's TACKY, TACKY, TACKY to list a registry on an invitation or even to state, "No gifts.". When guests RSVP, they may inquire (if they are interested) about registries or what a couple might need/want...and that is the time to suggest a charity donation or let the guests know it is a no-gift wedding (and most of them will still bring gifts, lol).
I am hosting a baby shower for a close friend next month. She asked me if I listed her two registries on the invitations!!! Um, no, I did not, but when people call to RSVP, I will certainly inform them if they ask!!! It was a bit awkward having that conversation with her, but I'm not gonna participate in a greedy gift grab, even for a close friend. Sadly, I am starting to think that's exactly what she's doing, as a lot of people are phoning in their regrets and explaining reasons why they cannot make it...reasons my friend already knew, but she asked me to invite them anyway (just to get a gift). Very embarrassing!

ok MY opinion on showers.
I do not see what is wrong with listing IF/WHERE someone is registered.. the whole point IN a shower is to BRING a GIFT!!!!!! it is not a mandatory attendence !! if you don't want to give more than one gift,, don't attend.
It is sure a whole lot easier to know ahead of time for a shower just what the bride would like. most of our family includes color preferences & stuff ( hey , my daughter likes african/zebra stuff & we specifically stated NO kitchen appliances etc, has that stuff already.).
now, to add the registerys to the wedding invitation,, tacky...... the guest is invited as a GUEST,, I don't care if they do bring a gift,, its a party to celebrate.
(btw, I know this is going off topic, but I think some of the nicest gifts for showers I have seen ,, are holiday decorations,, halloween, christmas , not something someone would think of a couple could use!)

 

[RVGal]

keishashadow: Re: the way things are said... Women never sweat, we "perspire" or "glow!"

My grandmother taught me that proper southern ladies do not sweat... we "glisten".

I just happen to glisten like a hog, but whatever...

 

[LadyShiva]

*chuckle* Funny that you mention a bag or a shoebox... I had forgotten Gram always brought her frozen food that way. What a good memory--thank you for reminding me!

DH and I moved away from MS before he got any of her frozen blackeye peas. Such a shame.

Thanks for humoring me with all the Southern reminiscing. It's making a long and boring afternoon pass easier.

Brandie

 

[LadyShiva]

My grandmother taught me that proper southern ladies do not sweat... we "glisten".

I just happen to glisten like a hog, but whatever...

*chortle* I'm so glad I now live in Denver... Getting that duct-taped deodorant off every day was chapping my underarms...

Why in the world does deodorant only last until 7:30 am in Hattiesburg, MS? *shaking my head* It would already be in the 80's when I was driving to work! And that was in December, too! We got 2 cold days a year it seemed while I was living there.

Brandie

 

[aprilgail2]

I
ETA: I may be in the minority here, but as far as I'm concerned, the wedding shower gift IS the wedding gift. Until I read it on these boards, I had never heard of anyone giving a shower gift and then a separate wedding gift. I even read one thread that talked about an engagement gift, a shower gift, and then a wedding gift. Not me, sister!

That is how it is here- There is an engagement party (which most of the time they register for!), then the Bridal shower (again you get from the registry) and then the wedding gift (cash or check-no gifts at a wedding)...so its 3 gifts for the one wedding! I was shocked to read on these boards that people that give a gift to a shower don't give a check for the wedding.

 

[NotUrsula]

There's an epidemic of too much information going around in social circuits these days. When did people forget that the details of rejection are usually painful and best left unsaid?

A few months before my wedding I ran into an old classmate when home on a visit, and I impulsively invited her. She went into a rant about how she had better things to do than travel back to her parents' hometown to attend my wedding. Ho-kay -- it was just a thought, and now I guess I know what you really thought of me for those two years we were in the same study group. Honestly, a simple, "I'm sorry, I'm afraid I can't make it" would have been fine.

Just FYI for those who are not Roman Catholic: Catholics cannot be married in church after 3 pm on Saturdays, so if you want an evening wedding with dinner and dancing, a Friday night it will be. If guests can't make it, then they can't; it isn't worth getting upset over.

How much bending over backward should you do for family? I'm not the one to ask. I had two separate weddings, 3 days and 900 miles apart (one civil, one religious), so that our parents and grandparents could all attend our wedding, even though they were in poor health and could not travel.

 

[RVGal]

*chortle* I'm so glad I now live in Denver... Getting that duct-taped deodorant off every day was chapping my underarms...

Why in the world does deodorant only last until 7:30 am in Hattiesburg, MS? *shaking my head* It would already be in the 80's when I was driving to work! And that was in December, too! We got 2 cold days a year it seemed while I was living there.

Brandie

It's the humidity dah-ling.

One of my cousins got married on a beautiful Saturday afternoon in Biloxi, MS in the middle of August. My only memory of the day, other than the releasing of doves as they left the church , was that in the time it took me to walk from the hotel room to my parents car, I already needed another shower. It was the somewhere around 1982ish and my big hair didn't survive.

 

[muffyn]

That is how it is here- There is an engagement party (which most of the time they register for!), then the Bridal shower (again you get from the registry) and then the wedding gift (cash or check-no gifts at a wedding)...so its 3 gifts for the one wedding! I was shocked to read on these boards that people that give a gift to a shower don't give a check for the wedding.

although I have never had any friends or relatives have an engagement party. the bride-to-be can usually have several showers ( 2 or more household showers , given by different sides of the family, & a couple personal showers). then you really are expected to give a wedding gift also..
(uh, we are in northern Ohio).
I may be an old fuddy duddy lately, but I refuse to attend any more personal showers,, or even had one for my daughter , sorry, but having the bride-to-be wearing necklaces , etc of male private parts is ,, well tooooo tacky &

 

[Principessa Alba]

While you deem it petty, perhaps beneath you; in my little world - it's all a matter of respect and tradition;

Hold your horses there! You are trying to say that that petty family stuff is all about respect and tradition??? Sorry, excuse me for a minute while I .

That stuff happens in our families too. The grandmas and some of the aunts keep those score cards on gifts and I guess it's tradition, but it's not the least bit respectful and it is extremely petty!!!!

Just because other family members try to pull that crap doesn't mean I have to fall in line to continue that fine old "tradition"!

I give the best gift I can for weddings and showers. If it isn't good enough for whoever I give it to and they want to "retaliate" when my kids get married, OH WELL! I guess we'll survive somehow!

 

[goofy!]

Weddings - they are so complicated.

I grew up in NJ (northern Bergen Cty), but have been out west, Denver, for 30 years. Hi Lady Shiva

People would rather die here than expect others to give gifts equal to what the reception costs. Or at least all the ones I know.

I must say though, I was always taught that you never expect gifts, but are extremely grateful for what you do receive. I would have to admit that if I went back East and was expected to fork over $300.00 for a gift to one of my high school friends kids just because they chose to have a lavish wedding, I would find it extremely rude and as some have said - very greedy.

Yes, etiquette changes. We are even allowed now to wear white after Labor day . Thank you cards, while still a bit frowned on by the old school are often done through e-mail. At least the thank you was given! But I believe that the etiquette of being a good host never changes.

The weird gifts, like the strange ceramic piece you have no idea what it is from Auntie Gertie are the ones that are most precious because you can laugh and remember when you see it.

Strangest ones we received? A 6-pack of Bronco glasses.

Different strokes.

Edited to add:
Back to the original part of this thread.... I agree with Alexandnessa and the others ...have what wedding you want - you are entitled to it, it is your day. But please don't call and yell at the invited guests if they decline your invitation. And guests should also never complain if somebody's wedding is in a place or time that is inconvenient for them. Just say no if you don't want to go.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I guess I will just agree to disagree.

I have always felt my role is more to set an example of graciousness, than to keep score for whatever petty reason. That gifts are to be appreciated, regardless of the value. Hopefully, I have instilled this with all of my children because I firmly believe weddings should be a celebration of the marriage, not a social etiquette chess game.

I have always been very generous when gifting for weddings/showers, etc. Not because of any rule, but out of genuine care for the people I am honoring. It never occurred to me to consider reciprocation when gifting. I am fortunate to be surrounded with people who are not that petty.[/quote]

indeed you are fortunate

in my extended family's culture (Italian, certain Eastern European blocs) it is an insult to give "short-shift" on any gift; whether it be a wedding, baptism, communion. Even a wake requires the correct gift; even if it is a mass or covered dish.

While you deem it petty, perhaps beneath you; in my little world - it's all a matter of respect and tradition; especially when it comes to immediate family. We all know the rules and most of us tend to abide by them.

Very true. Italian here as well. It was not too long ago that you gave a booster at a funeral. I remember doing this and I am not very old.

 

[flipflop]

My MIL and her family are Italian and they also have the concern about shorting someone on a gift. That's how we wound up with 3 bounced checks at our wedding - all from her family being concerned that it looked like they gave enough.


Around here there is generally an engagement party, bridal shower and wedding, all of which you are gift-giving events.

I am a fan of giving what you can afford and not trying to impress and have someone pay bank fees for a bounced check. There is nothing impressive about that, really.

 

[Principessa Alba]

The weird gifts, like the strange ceramic piece you have no idea what it is from Auntie Gertie are the ones that are most precious because you can laugh and remember when you see it.

Strangest ones we received? A 6-pack of Bronco glasses.

Different strokes.

You know that's so funny! We have all our weird gifts too from our wedding. I have something that a cousin gave me that to this day we don't know what it is. Really. No idea!

 

[RVGal]

Weddings - they are so complicated.

I grew up in NJ, but have been out west for 30 years.

People would rather die here than expect others to give gifts equal to what the reception costs.

I must say I was always taught that you never expect gifts, but are extremely grateful for what you do receive.

The weird gifts, like the strange ceramic piece you have no idea what it is from Auntie Gertie are the ones that are most precious because you can laugh and remember when you see it.

Strangest ones we received? A 6-pack of Bronco glasses.

Different strokes.

My oldest sister received a sterling silver toast holder.

Not only did we laugh ourselves silly at the time... and it took some research to figure out what the thing was... but it has been "re-gifted" to each one of us as we married. The ultimate in tacky tradition.

 

[roses~red]

Life would be really boring if we just gave money for every wedding


of course then people would fight about the amount....you can't win.

 

[misskrystal]

You know that's so funny! We have all our weird gifts too from our wedding. I have something that a cousin gave me that to this day we don't know what it is. Really. No idea!

A couple of years ago I let Dbf pick the gift for our friends wedding and I still have absolutely no idea what it was. Some kind of wicker mobile with little straw people hanging from it

I love the idea that they re-gifted it to some other poor unsuspecting couple

 

[goofy!]

Another thing we got for our wedding that even now, 23 years later, we haven't figure out what they are.

They are sterling silver things. They look like corn-on-the-cob holders, but they are a tiny bit bigger and the two tines are a just to far apart to go into a cob of corn.

We have been told they may be shrimp forks or some type of contemporary appetizer forks, but I have researched and have never seen anything quite like them.

They were in a fancy box with tissue over the silver, so I am sure they were expensive. But what the heck they are...who knows?

I think new etiquette should be to include a subtle explanation of the gift on the card, such as: I hope you enjoy these shrimp forks :lol:

But we have fond memories each time we see the box sitting there

Love the idea of starting a "tacky" tradition of re-gifting a weird gift amongst family!

 

[keishashadow]

My MIL and her family are Italian and they also have the concern about shorting someone on a gift. That's how we wound up with 3 bounced checks at our wedding - all from her family being concerned that it looked like they gave enough.


Around here there is generally an engagement party, bridal shower and wedding, all of which you are gift-giving events.

I am a fan of giving what you can afford and not trying to impress and have someone pay bank fees for a bounced check. There is nothing impressive about that, really.

i would just die ; you are aware the giver "knew" their check bounced (assumming they took the time to look @ their statement). I'd be moritified. Hope they paid your bank fees. Curious, did you present it for payment a 2nd time? Did it clear?

In our area, about a month ago, somebody "jacked" the church (little white thing that holds the envelopes at a couple's wedding)

At my 1st wedding, when we looked @ the photogs' proofs (same photog who passed out @ ceremony-drunk ) we had pics of a few guys who were wedding crashers...this was back in the 70's...what some people won't do for free food & booze.

The thread is morphing into an educational one, very interesting to hear about what is common in different areas of the country.

Even curiouser, since i was sorta accused of debasing myself on an "international" forum ; any representatives care to share what practices/gifts are common in their countries?