Sometimes I hate Facebook

[EllenFrasier]

When I first joined Facebook, I thought it was great. I found some people that I went to school with, some people that I used to work with years ago, etc. and we did some catching up. But now I have stuck my foot in my mouth big time and don't really know what to do about it.

I found someone that I used to work with like 13 years ago. She left our office to move to another state, got married and had a baby. That part I was up to date on because I still worked in the office and she kept in touch with all of us. Since that time, the office has closed and I don't see any of the people I used to work with or keep in touch, except for an occasional Christmas card.

So I sent her a friend request. She accepted and she sent me a message asking me if I was retired because in the picture on my page she said I looked retired, whatever that means. I sent her an message back and told her that I was not retired yet, updated her on my family, etc. and asked her about her family. I remembered that she had two son's, only remembered one of the names though but asked about both, and that she had a daughter now too - how old was she, etc.

Here comes the awful part. I was not aware that one of her sons had died in a car accident over six years ago! It was the son that I could not remember his name too. I feel just awful. The only reason I know it now is because on a subsequent post on her Facebook page, she remarked how her other son had done something in his brother's memory. I feel sick about it. Obviously we were not really close when we worked together, but we were friendly and talked about our kids, things like that and I feel bad that I asked about her son like that just assuming that she would say he was married, or in college or something like that. She never answered my message on Facebook about her family update, but has commented on a few things on my wall, etc.

Now what do I do?

 

[MOUSEMAGIC01]

You are being too hard on yourself! You had no way of knowing
what had happened so you shouldn't feel bad, but if its really
bothering you, maybe you could shoot her a message and say
you are sorry for her loss and that you weren't aware. I'm sure
she didn't think anything of it.. probably just realized you hadn't
heard about it.

 

[nuttylawprofessor]

"I'm so sorry about your loss. I didn't know that your son passed away. I can't imagine what that would feel like."

I've reconnected with friends from high school on facebook. A few have asked about my mom, who passed away in December. I'm not insulted. Your acquaintance may not have wanted to talk about the son's death. Some people never recover from a loss like that. If she's that insulted, she'll "unfriend" you.

I thought you were going to say that you posted a snarky status in response to another person's status. I constantly remind myself to keep responses to myself. Your note was nothing like that

 

[minkydog]

I don't think you did anything so awful. You were trying to be cordial, you dind't know her son had died. And even if you had, it wouldn't be the end of the world to bring him up. Most parents love talking about their kids, even if their kids have passed. Maybe especially if their kids have passed. Give her some time. SHe'll either respond or she won't. No need to feel guilty, you didn't do anything wrong. It's natural that you feel bad for her loss, but you don't need to feel guilty for bringing it up.

 

[LuvOrlando]

That's terrible news. I don't think you did anything wrong and can't imagine she can be upset with you. When you go on FB there are certain things you have to expect. I know when i began to reconnect with grammar school and high school friends asking how my parents and brother were doing was going to be inevitable. I decided ahead of time that I would be honest without being too informative and this has worked ok for me. It makes sense that anyone else who has dealt with trauma must also have a canned response for these well meaning but painful questions. Because of my own experience I tend to think it is likely that your friend must have decided ahead of time to not go into it at all when asked so her silence probably has nothing at all to do with you.

It's all so tricky isn't it? I love that Face book breaks so many barriers but at the same time has so many other minefields.

 

[Keli]

You do nothing in regards to that inquiry. You were being friendly. She will completely understand that you didn't know about this tragedy in her life. Embarrassments like this happen, in real life as well as on social networks.
You just move on and talk to her about other things. One of these days she might bring it up and you can make a formal apology then if you want but I'd just let this go for now. And although initially I'd feel the same way you do right now I'd also know I was being too hard on myself and work to let it go.

 

[FireDancer]

You didn't know so you didn't do anything wrong. Just say you are sorry for her loss. I don't think any rational human being expects you to read their mind or know what has happened in their lives over the past 13 years. There will be births, deaths, miscarriages, marriages, divorces, and a lot of other things over that period of time in a normal population.

 

[JLTraveling]

No need at all to feel bad, although I know you still do. My mom passed unexpectedly in 2004, at age 50. When I started reconnecting with people on Facebook in the past year, pretty much every one of them asked about her. I don't take it as an insult at all...how could they possibly be expected to know? And actually, it makes me feel good, because it makes me realize just how many lives she touched. They loved her, they liked her, they didn't know her well at all...whatever the case, they remembered her enough to care to ask about her. In my particular situation, I'm comfortable talking about it, so depending on how well I know the person I'll either give a brief rundown of what happened, or I'll simply say that she passed. But your friend may not be at that stage, she may find that talking about it is too painful. And that's okay too. Now that you know, I'd send a very brief "I'm so sorry for your loss" message, but I wouldn't dwell on it. You did nothing wrong.

 

[MerMom60_94]

Ellen, don't beat yourself up. Who knows, maybe she is touched you remembered her son and asked about him. I also reconnected with a coworker I hadn't been in touch with for years and years and years. Let's put it this way, her oldest was a toddler and that toddler is now a mom to a toddler. She and I had been in each other's weddings we were so close. (She then moved out of state and we eventually lost touch). When we first reconnected through FB I asked about her husband. He had died six years ago from cancer. I think this is a question I would have asked whether it were through FB or if I had bumped into her at the grocery store. When we talk to an old acquaintance we, of course, ask about their families. Please don't feel bad. How could you have known?

 

[klj27]

You should not feel bad at all. Honestly, he is still her son, even though he has died and I would guess she wants him to be recognized. Offer your condolenses and follow her lead.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

reported the spam

 

[Swimnoid]

The same exact thing happened to me although I had touched base with a mother of a high school friend and the friend had died in an awful car crash. I had found the mom and sent her a brief note; how is DD, DDSs etc. Then in further research found the news that the girl had died. I felt horrible! Her mom wrote me back to tell me (and to update me on the sons). And I just wrote her back saying how sorry I was for her loss. I know you feel bad but you did nothing wrong. Just let her know how sorry you are about it.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

Just put yourself in her position (as horrible as that may be). Would you be mad if someone you hadn't talked to in years asked about a family member who had died? I don't think you would, and I don't think she is. I know you feel awful...there is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better. But cut yourself a break...you may not be able to right now, but you did nothing wrong, nothing intentional. It's a chance we ALL take when catching up with people we haven't seen.

I'll give you a bit of an example. My BIL and MIL died this summer within 4 weeks of each other. My DH took a weeks vacation when MIL died because he didn't give himself enough time to grieve when his brother died unexpectedly 4 weeks before.
I was in the grocery store about 3 days after she died, and I ran into a former coworker of his. He asked me how Rodney was doing. I assumed he knew about the death and told him that my DH had taken the week off. The friend said "Does he ever work anymore?? He is always on vacation!" He was joking and I very quickly realized he didn't know that DH's mom had died.
I told him and I could see the look on his face....he wanted to fall over. I am glad that I was the one he said that to, because I think he would have really beaten himself up if he had said that to DH. I loved my MIL with all my heart and was devastated when she died. But what he said didn't bother me at all. And I don't think it would have bothered DH at all.

It's ok...I promise

 

[AlaskaMOM]

When I first joined Facebook, I thought it was great. I found some people that I went to school with, some people that I used to work with years ago, etc. and we did some catching up. But now I have stuck my foot in my mouth big time and don't really know what to do about it.

I found someone that I used to work with like 13 years ago. She left our office to move to another state, got married and had a baby. That part I was up to date on because I still worked in the office and she kept in touch with all of us. Since that time, the office has closed and I don't see any of the people I used to work with or keep in touch, except for an occasional Christmas card.

So I sent her a friend request. She accepted and she sent me a message asking me if I was retired because in the picture on my page she said I looked retired, whatever that means. I sent her an message back and told her that I was not retired yet, updated her on my family, etc. and asked her about her family. I remembered that she had two son's, only remembered one of the names though but asked about both, and that she had a daughter now too - how old was she, etc.

Here comes the awful part. I was not aware that one of her sons had died in a car accident over six years ago! It was the son that I could not remember his name too. I feel just awful. The only reason I know it now is because on a subsequent post on her Facebook page, she remarked how her other son had done something in his brother's memory. I feel sick about it. Obviously we were not really close when we worked together, but we were friendly and talked about our kids, things like that and I feel bad that I asked about her son like that just assuming that she would say he was married, or in college or something like that. She never answered my message on Facebook about her family update, but has commented on a few things on my wall, etc.

Now what do I do?

I have to agree with the other posters you did nothing wrong. After 6 years you are not the first one for her to have to update on the tragedy that happened to her family.

You could tell her you're sorry to hear awful news, etc...
You could also let her know you are there to let her talk about her son, let it out, to recall some of the fading memories. It is probably something she needs from someone who isn't close to the situation.

I know I love to be able to talk about my son, but I hate to burden people, or make them feel sad when I tear up.

You did nothing wrong.

 

[southern_redhead]

"I'm so sorry about your loss. I didn't know that your son passed away. I can't imagine what that would feel like."

I've reconnected with friends from high school on facebook. A few have asked about my mom, who passed away in December. I'm not insulted. Your acquaintance may not have wanted to talk about the son's death. Some people never recover from a loss like that. If she's that insulted, she'll "unfriend" you.

I thought you were going to say that you posted a snarky status in response to another person's status. I constantly remind myself to keep responses to myself. Your note was nothing like that

Exactly. Clearly if she didn't know you hadn't retired you shouldn't be expected to know about her son. It was an honest mistake and the fact that you feel bad proves that you wouldn't hurt her to begin with.

Off Topic: I second the above person's "snarky" comments. Except I found that I had a hard time keeping my mouth shut so I "de-friended" about 140 of my un-closest friends. I have 17 connections left, a bunch of which are things I "like" or am a "fan" of. I kept other women who have children my daughter and sons are friends with, my oldest son, and my uncle. Also my co-coach for cheerleading. People I actually talk to. It irked me that I never heard from these people who could see anything I posted so I got rid of them LOL Sometimes I hate Facebook, too!

 

[Bethenny]

You do nothing in regards to that inquiry. You were being friendly. She will completely understand that you didn't know about this tragedy in her life. Embarrassments like this happen, in real life as well as on social networks.
You just move on and talk to her about other things. One of these days she might bring it up and you can make a formal apology then if you want but I'd just let this go for now. And although initially I'd feel the same way you do right now I'd also know I was being too hard on myself and work to let it go.

I disagree with the bolded parts. This wasn't something she should be embarrassed about or apologize for. OP had no way of knowing; it's not her fault.

Look at it this way, OP. Would you ever say to someone "How have you been? How's your family? Has anyone passed away?" No, you wouldn't. If anything, this lady should have told you that her son passed away when you asked about him.

I would just send her a private message offering your condolences, saying you didn't realize it happened. Or you "just found out".