So what's the etiquette here?

[postage stamp]

Exactly how many times do I have to ask my MIL politely to mind her own business before I get to go off on her?

She is a very religious person and has chosen to enroll all of her children in Catholic school. That's fine. That's her choice.

My husband and I not only are not very religious, but we can't afford to, and feel lucky that we live in an awesome school district and have no fears for our daughters' educations.

She keeps telling me (unsolicited and out of the blue) that they will suffer both morally and educationally. Meanwhile her two youngest (in high school) can't read an analog clock and can barely spell.

Normally my husband deals with her because she's HIS mother and he knows I'm likely to say something, well not something I won't mean because I'll MEAN IT, but something I shouldn't say anyhow. But as he's deployed she's taken to talking to me about it and I'm about at the end of my rope.

I've asked her several times to stop. Told her that "I'm glad that you are concerned for Nora and Kate and all, but really this is Patrick's decision and my decision and it ends there."

So what's my next step before I start telling her how I REALLY feel about her intrusions?

 

[tlbwriter]

I'd give her one more polite warning.

"As I've told you before, we are happy with our decision. And even if we weren't, it's our decision to make, not yours. So I'm not going to discuss it with you. If that's all you want to talk about right now, there's no need for us to be having a conversation at all."

And then, if she won't shut her yap about it, hang up the phone or turn on your heel and leave. Be nice and say goodbye first, of course.

 

[Handbag Lady]

She needs a come to Jesus meeting.

 

[Cindy's Mom]

I would say (and have said) "while I know that you are trying to be helpful, it does hurt my feelings that you do not respect our opinions. I really will not discuss this again"

You may have to say it a couple times....make it your mantra

 

[C.Ann]

I would just keep politely telling her the same thing over and over and over.. Hard, I know - but do you really want to "go off" on your MIL? In the long run, I think that would just cause more problems..

If you normally get along well with her - and this is the only "issue" - stand firm (politely) and leave it be..

Good luck..

 

[hereyago]

She needs a come to Jesus meeting.

ITA!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Have your kids been baptized Catholic? Do you belong to a parish? Do your kids go to PSR/CCD and preparing for the sacraments?

 

[minkydog]

I wouldn't want to have a throw-down with her, especially while your husband(and her son!~) is deployed.I'm sure their is enough worry and grief to go around. But keep telling her the same thing. In fact, I would shorten it to "Thank you for your concern, but "Frankie" & have made a decision that works for our family." Period. If she keeps drilling on it, keep repeating yourself. This is called the broken record method. If she really just can't let it go, it's okay to say, "You know, I really don't want to talk about this." Then she either shuts up or you remove yourself from her presence.

You don't need to engage in a battle, keep your cool. Everyone thinks their own ways of raising the kids are the right ways. I used to take a LOT of criticism for choosing to homeschool my kids. But the best defense is to keep it short and sweet. Let your children's successes stand alone. Sooner or later she will decide you all are hopeless and she'll move on to an easier target.

 

[ENSOCK]

My Dmom used to say the same thing. My response "I will send them there if you pay for it!" She did, so I did!

But good luck with your MIL. Be polite and ignore it!

 

[Bethenny]

"This is not up for discussion." That is your reply any time she brings it up.

 

[NotUrsula]

If she's religious, then know that she is not going to stop. She almost surely sees it as her duty to see that they get religious education, lest their souls be lost. If you send them to religious instruction classes you can point that out, but otherwise this is a battle that you probably can't win. She'll keep ostentatiously praying for them until the day that she dies. (You might be able to get her to do it outside of your hearing, but she'll still do it.) The one option that might work is to approach her pastor about it and ask him to have a talk with her, but realize that doing this will leave you open to questions from him about what kind of religious instruction the kids are getting.

My parents sent my older siblings to parochial school, but by the time I came around the price had gone up too much, so I went to public school and Saturday CCD. For 13 years Mom was constantly apologizing for it to any clergyperson who would listen. Most of them told her that there was no problem with it as long as I got the full course of religious instruction, but she still felt guilty.

(Note re the religious aspect of this post: I'm not making any implications about the rightness of what she believes; I'm just saying that this is normally what the issue is in these cases. Most of the time the only way to diffuse the conflict is by approaching it from a religious POV, rather than from a privacy POV.)

 

[Lionqueen2]

I would just keep politely telling her the same thing over and over and over.. Hard, I know - but do you really want to "go off" on your MIL? In the long run, I think that would just cause more problems..

If you normally get along well with her - and this is the only "issue" - stand firm (politely) and leave it be..

Good luck..

Good advice! Your MIL has no control over your decisions so let her talk. Just tell her the same thing and ignore her comments. It's not worth 'going off on her'. Like C.Ann said, it causes more problems in the long run. Learn to tune her comments out and try changing the subject.

 

[luvmy3]

I would tell her that you would enroll the kids in Catholic school but the fact that they worship the devil may be looked down upon and you worry that their self esteem may suffer. Maybe that will get her to shut her trap


Seriously, I feel for you, I know what its like to come from a religious family when you no longer practice/believe. Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person, and continue to tell her what you have been saying in order to keep the peace. Just out of curiosity, what does your dh say when she makes her comments? If he was more firm with her, do you think that would make a difference? I know he's deployed but when he is able to contact her, if he says something to her maybe she'll get the message of how much it is upsetting you.

 

[barkley]

My Dmom used to say the same thing. My response "I will send them there if you pay for it!" She did, so I did!

But good luck with your MIL. Be polite and ignore it!

i think this is an important point-and you and your dh can best deal with his mom's issues if you decide between the 2 of you what is the chief reason you are not sending the kids to catholic school. if it's religious-then you can pretty much say so, and while she will likely give you some catholic grief ('cradle catholic' here so i know what it can be like) it's not something that nesc. has the potential for an overnite change of heart (unless she's successful with all those candles she's likely lighting for you) like the "we can''t afford it" basis.

with "we can't afford it", you are likely to continue hearing her opinions esp. whenever she sees you spend money elsewhere ("...my, that could have gone to an entire quarter's catholic school tuition...") or knows if your income has increased )"...i know how I would invest that money, in the spiritual and educational needs of .....".


good luck-we had issues similar to this with late fil, he would not drop it despite our strongest/politest statements to him so unfortunatly it limited our speaking with him (he did not take to the concept that we were our children's parents and that certain decisions on our part were not up for discussion/once an opinion was offered it need not be voiced again).

 

[FlightlessDuck]

.

 

[Buckalew11]

I think you tell her one more time and then forget about trying to be "nice". Obviously, if she sent your DH to Catholic school it didn't make such a big impact on him that he thinks it is important for his own kids so...

and I'd just tell her that.

Religious school does not make one good or religious or have anything to do with whether you have any kind of relationship to God. Plenty of kids in public schools have relationships with God.
I guess I just would not be able to grasp why this is so important to her. ???

Lots of kids have trouble telling time, it usually takes time and just "clicks". You really can't judge a school on a speller. People can either spell or they struggle with it. It is not usually a reflection on the teachers.

 

[Frantasmic]

Is her concern really about the children, their educational goals, and their spiritual situation?

Or, do you feel her real concern is questioning your parenting?

It looks like you are interpreting her actions as a personal question of your judgement, perhaps even your character. That is how I perceive you in your wanting to unload on her.

Attempt to remove the personal aspect of it as about half the posters have suggested by being polite and resisting the urge to tell her off. It might not make you feel the best, but I think it is in the best interest of future relations with her to pursue that route.

 

[DWGal210]

Mte!

i think you tell her one more time and then forget about trying to be "nice". Obviously, if she sent your dh to catholic school it didn't make such a big impact on him that he thinks it is important for his own kids so...

And i'd just tell her that.

Religious school does not make one good or religious or have anything to do with whether you have any kind of relationship to god. Plenty of kids in public schools have relationships with god.
I guess i just would not be able to grasp why this is so important to her. ???

Lots of kids have trouble telling time, it usually takes time and just "clicks". You really can't judge a school on a speller. People can either spell or they struggle with it. It is not usually a reflection on the teachers.

 

[Buckalew11]

Mte!

Okay, I thought I was losing my mind. I saw you quoted me and God with a lowercase "g" is not something I type out--ever, and I thought, "why'd I do that?" Then I wondered if it was censored or something. I went back and looked at my post and saw I did type it out as God and god. While I understand you do not hold my beliefs, I don't understand why you would change my post either.

That's off topic, it just made me go but to each his own so :flower3 . I just know people don't usually change other's posts. It changes the meaning of my post (to me).

 

[postage stamp]

I would tell her that you would enroll the kids in Catholic school but the fact that they worship the devil may be looked down upon and you worry that their self esteem may suffer. Maybe that will get her to shut her trap


Seriously, I feel for you, I know what its like to come from a religious family when you no longer practice/believe. Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person, and continue to tell her what you have been saying in order to keep the peace. Just out of curiosity, what does your dh say when she makes her comments? If he was more firm with her, do you think that would make a difference? I know he's deployed but when he is able to contact her, if he says something to her maybe she'll get the message of how much it is upsetting you.

I'm not really sure what she says to him when she brings it up, but I know he tells her (More firmly and a little more harshly than I do) to mind her own business. And I know she brings it up when he says "Baby, where are the heathens? It's time for another amoral math lesson!"

Is her concern really about the children, their educational goals, and their spiritual situation?

Or, do you feel her real concern is questioning your parenting?

It looks like you are interpreting her actions as a personal question of your judgement, perhaps even your character. That is how I perceive you in your wanting to unload on her.

Attempt to remove the personal aspect of it as about half the posters have suggested by being polite and resisting the urge to tell her off. It might not make you feel the best, but I think it is in the best interest of future relations with her to pursue that route.

I think she really IS concerned about their spiritual selves, their souls, what have you, but I also think she thinks I'm a terrible parent because of other things not just this. Like my kids are in preK and Kindergarten and they have chores. Well she thinks they are too young. My best friend is gay and she thinks allowing him around my kids is going to get them molested, killed, or damned to hell. Things like that.

I KNOW that she loves my daughters and I've told her that if she wants to or needs to pray for them, by all means, go ahead, that doesn't bother me at all. But I NEVER say a word when she makes a decision with her children that I wouldn't make because I find it disrespectful and rude. I just expect the same common courtesy in return.