So tell me...

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

KingLouiethe1, I am so glad your mom is supportive of you and your DH now! Thanks for your reply!

 

[pyr8freak87]

For me, in some ways I kinda always knew, seeing girls and thinking that they were cute or what not, but because of the way I was brought up I guess I just kinda suppressed everything. It wasn't until I graduated high school that I started to actually act or not try and hide everything. I didn't accept it myself until recently. As far as coming out to others, mostly my friends so far, but to my family I havn't really had that sit down I come out, they cry moment, but it's not like they don't know. I'm pretty sure just about everyone knows, but its a topic that is really ignored in my family. Don't ask, don't tell and it won't cause problems.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

pyr8freak87 - Thanks for your reply!
I imagine coming out to family is really difficult if you know they won't approve, or if you don't know how they will react. "Don't ask, don't tell" isn't a very warm and fuzzy reception from the people who should be your biggest fans no matter what.

 

[ChrizJen]

I knew when I was around 13 or 14 I guess. But I didn't really know what it was. I just knew that I wasn't having the normal crushes on boys that all of my friends were having. (Instead I was having crushes on my friends...THAT was awkward!! )

But I tried really hard to fight it because I was confused and had no clue. I just thought that something was wrong with me and that I just needed try harder to be "normal" like all of my friends.

That worked until I was about 22, and then it was time for me to be honest with myself and with the people around me. When I came out to my friends, they asked me why I waited so long...LOL

It was a little tough with my parents, but things have gotten better.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I met one of my good friends when we were Seniors in high school. We went to different schools, but we were both in DECA and met at a competition. She went to prom with a guy from my school, and she was really irked when he didn't call her after that. I wondered if she was a lesbian, but then I sort of dismissed the thought. (As has been discussed on other threads, I am not good at identifying lesbians! )

She came out to me when we were in our early 20's. At the time I was kind of hurt that she didn't feel like she could tell me before, but now I realize that there were steps she needed to work through for herself before she was ready to tell me. She wrote me a letter, and she said she was willing to risk our friendship just to be herself. That made me really sad, because of course we would still be friends! But maybe her other friends didn't feel that way. We still keep in touch, and we (DH, DS and I) try to get together with her when we are in FL. (She lives in Tampa.)

ChrizJen, I am glad things are improving with your family! I hope that continues! Thanks for your reply!

 

[rpmdfw]

I remember realizing at a very young age that I was different from the other kids. I remember "noticing" very handsome men when I was about five. I was always kind of "bookish" and tended to have more friends that were girls than friends that were boys.

I realized that "different" was "gay" in 7th or 8th grade and did everything I could to hide it. I was in the closet through high school and college, though I began "experimenting" at points along the way.

Since most of you have read the Big Fat Gay Disney Wedding thread, you know that my Uncle Kevin is gay and has been with his partner Randy for 28 years now (thier first date was election day 1980). So I had a role model and my family had someone to "open the door" for them on gay issues.

I don't remember exactly when I came out, but I remember it not being that big of a deal. Again, you've all read about how amazing my family is in terms of dealing with this issue, so I won't repeat how awesome they've been. I can only remember one "drama" moment with my coming out: once I was at home (living with Mom & Dad after college) and my boyfriend and I were watching a movie with my parents. My folks are very affectionate with each other, and I think they were holding hands, or something. I put my hand on BFs leg. BF FREAKED OUT! He didn't know how my parents would react. Later on, I laughed as I described his panic to my mom and she said that she didn't know how comfortable they'd be with any other displays of affection, such as kissing. I told her I was fine with the "no displays of affection" rule as long as they, and my siblings ALSO agreed to live by that rule. (My brother and his high school girlfriend used to play tonsil-hockey with my parents in the room, so I knew they hadn't made the same request of him.) My parents quickly realised that they'd made an unfair request, and retracted it. And, as I said, you've read how they are now. They're amazing. I thank the creator for all of them (and Scott and Tolliver, too) every day.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Rob - Thanks for replying!
So yours was an issue of not wanting to be outed among the other middle schoolers more than being worried about your parents. I feel certain that a middle schooler who is "out" is almost certainly asking for trouble, and there probably isn't a way around that. Not that I advocate being closeted, but it's a very fine line, you know what I mean?

 

[rpmdfw]

Rob - Thanks for replying!
So yours was an issue of not wanting to be outed among the other middle schoolers more than being worried about your parents. I feel certain that a middle schooler who is "out" is almost certainly asking for trouble, and there probably isn't a way around that. Not that I advocate being closeted, but it's a very fine line, you know what I mean?

I don't know that I thought about it all that much. I grew up in a VERY small town in the mountains of Southern Colorado. I didn't want ANYone to know. Parents, friends, anybody.

I was afraid that my family would be upset, but I was never afraid of being disowned or anything.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I don't know that I thought about it all that much. I grew up in a VERY small town in the mountains of Southern Colorado. I didn't want ANYone to know. Parents, friends, anybody.

I was afraid that my family would be upset, but I was never afraid of being disowned or anything.

If you had known with absolute certainty that your parents would NOT be upset do you think you would have told them sooner?

 

[rpmdfw]

If you had known with absolute certainty that your parents would NOT be upset do you think you would have told them sooner?

Don't know. SO much of coming out happens internally. You have to learn to deal with yourself. Being a teenager sucks in general. Being a gay teenager is that much worse. Being a gay teen in a small town adds another layer to it. You don't think rationally. I knew Uncle Kevin was gay, and that everyone in our family accepted and loved HIM. But couldn't make that connection that it'd apply to ME, too.

You have to be "out to yourself" before you can come out to others. That's the only way I can explain it. Which doesn't help at all, because you have to have taken that journey to understand it.

I'm sorry. I'm not explaining this very well. And what's true for me, may or may not be true for others. The journey and timing is different for everyone.

 

[rpmdfw]

In 1991 (just before my 22nd birthday) I started going to a Coming Out Support group at the University of Colorado. I came out to my family in October of that year.

You went to school in Boulder? A lot of my friends were there for school in those years. I wonder if we know anyone in common.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Rob - That makes PERFECT sense. That reply was actually tremendously helpful. I already kind of understood about having to come to terms with it yourself before you are ready for other people to be involved because that is what I realized about my friend in FL.
She had to come to a point where she was ready to tell me, it wasn't about me, it was about her.

I think even people with supportive families struggle with other aspects of coming out, and that may prolong the process as they work through those personal issues. Everybody's timeline will be a little different.

THANK YOU!!!

 

[pkldy34]

Don't know. SO much of coming out happens internally. You have to learn to deal with yourself. Being a teenager sucks in general. Being a gay teenager is that much worse. Being a gay teen in a small town adds another layer to it. You don't think rationally. I knew Uncle Kevin was gay, and that everyone in our family accepted and loved HIM. But couldn't make that connection that it'd apply to ME, too.

You have to be "out to yourself" before you can come out to others. That's the only way I can explain it. Which doesn't help at all, because you have to have taken that journey to understand it.

I'm sorry. I'm not explaining this very well. And what's true for me, may or may not be true for others. The journey and timing is different for everyone.

Rob I have to tell you that you didn't have to "come out" to your family because we knew long before you told us. I knew when I was in middle school that you were gay. It wasn't a big deal to me because you were Rob. My brother and my friend.
t

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Hi, Rob's sibling!!
Welcome!!

 

[rpmdfw]

Rob I have to tell you that you didn't have to "come out" to your family because we knew long before you told us. I knew when I was in middle school that you were gay. It wasn't a big deal to me because you were Rob. My brother and my friend.
t

Thtat's probably why I remember it being pretty much a "non-event".

 

[jlewisinsyr]

How old were you when you knew you were gay/lesbian? Even if you didn't know the word for it.

Around the same age you started to find interest in the opposite sex. I didn't know it was right, wrong, different, or what, I just knew I was keen on a kid in school.

How old were you when you came out? Did you tell family, friends, or someone else first?

I was 14 when I started to tell a few close friends. When I was 15 I told my teammates in sports, and after that, pretty much everyone knew. I never had issues with being beat-up, called names, etc. No one really cared at my school.

I came out to my mother shortly there after, but she already knew (I mean come on how many "friends" do you spend about every waking moment with and have spend the night almost EVERY weekend). She told my brothers, and that was that. My one brother who I thought would be really cool about it was a little shy about it and the other who I thought would be a little stand offish, was really cool about it. But no one in my family really cares (even my grandmother used to ask if my boyfriend was coming to dinner and she was old-school british etiquette, don't deviate type of woman).

Most everyone at my office knows. I say most, because I don't really keep it a secret, but then again I don't advertise it. So if you know me, and know me at all on a personal level you will know, but otherwise, you may know from conversation, but that's about it. In my community groups (Leadership Greater Syracuse, On Point for College Executive Committe and Board of Directors, TACNY Board of Directors, 40 Below, etc), I know people on a very personal level for the most part, and again, everyone knows, and really, it's never been a big deal.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Around the same age you started to find interest in the opposite sex. I didn't know it was right, wrong, different, or what, I just knew I was keen on a kid in school.



I was 14 when I started to tell a few close friends. When I was 15 I told my teammates in sports, and after that, pretty much everyone knew. I never had issues with being beat-up, called names, etc. No one really cared at my school.

I came out to my mother shortly there after, but she already knew (I mean come on how many "friends" do you spend about every waking moment with and have spend the night almost EVERY weekend). She told my brothers, and that was that. My one brother who I thought would be really cool about it was a little shy about it and the other who I thought would be a little stand offish, was really cool about it. But no one in my family really cares (even my grandmother used to ask if my boyfriend was coming to dinner and she was old-school british etiquette, don't deviate type of woman).

Most everyone at my office knows. I say most, because I don't really keep it a secret, but then again I don't advertise it. So if you know me, and know me at all on a personal level you will know, but otherwise, you may know from conversation, but that's about it. In my community groups (Leadership Greater Syracuse, On Point for College Executive Committe and Board of Directors, TACNY Board of Directors, 40 Below, etc), I know people on a very personal level for the most part, and again, everyone knows, and really, it's never been a big deal.

I liked boys in Kindergarten. My mom likes to tell about the time she came to pick me up and we were standing in the hallway at school. The kids who rode the bus were filing past and I reached over and grabbed a boy out of the line so I could give him a big kiss. I think his name was Gregory.

That is awesome that you weren't bullied at school! I hate to say it, but I think that would be the exception rather than the rule. I am glad your mom and other family members were supportive!

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Bullied at school. I was never physically touched, but that doesn't make what did go on much better.

I still despise the memory of HS, and I'll never be going to one of those reunions!

The whole experience nearly put me off women for life!

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

At one point we had a private high school for GLBT youth called the Walt Whitman school. They were a beneficiary of our HRC Black Tie Dinner at least one year if not more. I am almost 100% certain it closed, which is a shame.

I am sure there had to have been lesbians at my high school, but I never heard any rumors or saw anyone being bullied. There were several guys I suspected were gay but none of them were out. I am estimating there were about 1100 kids at my high school, so now that I sit here and think about it I find it rather odd that I never heard rumors about ANYBODY being gay or lesbian. Hmm.

There was a girl in 6th grade who was RELENTLESSLY bullied on the school bus. I have no idea if she was really a lesbian or not, but the "clique" of popular girls had decided she was. I don't know if they ever attempted to physically harm her but they were hideously mean. Did I mention I went to school in Florida from 5th grade through high school graduation? Wanna bet those grown up "clique" girls are the ones who are voting for things like gay marriage bans?

 

[jlewisinsyr]

I'm probably one of the minority; I don't think there should be a seperate school. I know bullying can suck (I'll be honest, I used to pick on some kids - but not about disabilities, sexuality, gender, etc, more materialistic, which I know is not much better), but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I am firm believer of that.

People need to be responsible for their own actions, and if people think high school is ever rough, real life outside those school doors is a lot worst. Protecting kids from the "pain" is only going to make them less able to accept it later in life.