So Messed Up...

[CajunQT102]

I am usually not one to share personal information, but this is in my head and I need to put it else where. I guess I am also hoping someone else can understand where I am coming from...

My mom's mom (grandmother) is dyeing. I was never close to her at all. We did not have much contact (family issues) with her. She suffered a stroke 3 weeks ago which caused her to have brain surgery. She went through surgery well, her brain was fully functional, but her other organs could not pull through (she is too old - I guess). She had been in SICU for 2 weeks until the doctors finally said that there was no more that could be done. She had a living will that expressed her desire to not be kept alive via life support and since the only way she could leave the hospital was with a trake (???) and a feeding tube it was decided that her wished would be honored. Therefore, they removed all means of support on Friday and put her in a private room to pass. Here it is Sunday night and she is still here slowly dyeing. How cruel is that. The worse part is my mom is sitting with her watching her and it hurts to know my mom is there. I try to be there for my mom but its weird for me (which I am trying to overcome) and hard. How cruel to do this to anyone. How could it be someone's wish to end their life so painfully and to have others suffer as you slowly waste away.

I don't know what else to say... I have never experienced anything like this - no one should have to. I didn't know things like this happened.

 

[kimis]

When you loss someone it is hard. Speaking from experience it doesn't matter if it is a slow death or a quick unexpected death. It hurts more than one can know unless they have gone through it.

I have learned and believe that people hang on for a reason. Maybe your grandma was waiting for something. I also believe that God is in control and He is in charge so she will pass when she is supposed to. My mom hang on for days after Hospice thought she would go at anytime. It gave us a for more days with her. She couldn't wake to talk to us but we were able to talk to her.

This is probably the hardest thing your mom has had to go through. I am thankful that you have put your feelings aside to be there for her. That is SO IMPORTANT!

Death is horrible and just remember it would have been hard on you all too had it been quick also. This way you can say goodbye even if she doesn't respond she hears you.

I am confused why the hospital didn't send her to a hospice center? Is there one in your area?

 

[CajunQT102]

Kimis...Thank you...I think I needed to hear that.

I do not know why they did not send her to a hospice center. I do know that there is one in our area. I can only hope that the doctor had a specific reason for choosing not to do so.

 

[kimis]

Hi CajonQT102.... Don't assume a dr always has your best interest at heart. Granted most drs will put your best interests ahead but not all. Ask the dr why not send her to hospice? I am assuming and I HATE assuming that the dr didn't think it would take this long but ask the dr anyway. Ask him/her anything you want.
Keep us posted. You all are in my prayers.

 

[Regina]

When we found out that my Mom was going to die, one of the first things my sister said was she did not want to be there when it happens. When the time came, there was no other place either of us would rather be than by her side.

Your Mom doesn't want your Grandmother to die alone. It's difficult explain how it's both your worst nightmare and a blessing. On one hand, you're able to tell your loved one that they'll always be in your heart and that you'll be okay once they're gone. On the other hand, your heart is breaking knowing that they're leaving you.

You're doing the right thing by being there for your Mom. I know that you want to spare her from this ordeal, but it is something she feels she needs to do both for herself and for your grandmother.

I can assure you that once your grandmother is gone, your Mom will not be burdened by regrets. She'll look back and know that she was there and was able to let her Mom know she was loved.

 

[kdzgon]

It is possible she is lasting longer because she is in a hospital and not hospice. They (hospitals and hospice facilities) have different goals and legal conditions they must follow. If indeed she is still in the hospital, I would suggest someone ask the dr to transfer her to hospice.

Unfortunately for too many reasons, most of us are afraid of hospice and what we think it represents. We learned first-hand just how wonderful and helpful hospice care is. I only wish we had understood it sooner - it would have made the last weeks of our daughter's life so much better. As it turned out, she was only there ~2 days, but it was by far the least amount of suffering she had had in months. I now know hospice is there not to wait for death but instead to better prepare for the natural progression we will all eventually experience. It allows terminal patients to live their lives to the very end rather than mark time for the final days weeks or months of life.

Whether she is still surviving or if she has passed, I would suggest you stop by a local hospice facility, explain your situation and ask to have a discussion with someone (if they cannot accommodate you directly, they can give you a referral). You will learn much about the natural process of death and how a person's body prepares for the inevitable, including much of what they do or do not "feel" (physically). I am pretty sure it will help you deal with some of the feelings you are experiencing.

I am so sorry for your pain. You and your family are in my prayers.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I'm sorry about your grandmother.

I've been on both sides of this issue as a hospital nurse caring for dying patients and as a family member watching my loved one die and the best I can offer is that there are no easy answers, unfortunately.

Hospice is not always a possibility in the hospital, especially in the non-oncology areas.

I hope that your grandmother was made as comfortable as she could be.

 

[CajunQT102]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and helpful advice. My Grandmother passed away this morning with my Mom & Dad by her side. I have been by moms side since I received the news. It was so hard to see my mom this morning, she seemed so helpless and fragile. I don't like having to see her that way. At least now she is not suffering and my mom can start to heal. It's going to be a long week.

Again thank you everyone for helping me during this time...

 

[kimis]

I am glad you are there for your mom. Continue to be there and take it one day at a time.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

I am so sorry to read about your loss.....just know this that your Mom was where she needed to be and that was beside her Mom. It is a hard thing to do, but I have been there holding my Mom's hand when she passed, and never looked back on that time with regret. Hugs to you as you stand by your Mom as you go through the next few days...

Take care...and be strong..

Marsha

 

[Regina]

Please accept my condolences. Your Mom did something that requires extraordinary strength. In a way, by being so concerned for her well-being, you're doing for her what she did for her own Mother. What a wonderful legacy that is.

I'll pray that your family continues to find the strength to cope with your loss.

 

[BMNABrinx]

I am so sorry for the loss of your grandmother.
Prayers for your entire family.