So MAD... need help letting it go-school confrence woahs..

[AnnMorin]

Oh parent teacher confrence was tonight.. teacher went on and on .. great student. (strait A's even an A+) then the bombshell...
He aparently made fun of another student at lunch.. teasing him .. the "victim" did not tell but another student said something supposedly to his mom who felt compelled to tell the teacher..

Mike is painfully shy.. he is so far removed from a bully that even the teacher said she had "doubts" about the complaint.
I have figured out who the mom who complained must be (she works for the school) and just can't let it go.
She is vindictive because has become close friends with someone her son used to be... I am so pissed about this,, DH said just let it go.. but I hate having Mike accussed., how to let it go???????????

Ps-DH says what has the world come to anyhow that a kid can't say at lunch to another you are acting like a retard if they are acting Dumb?

 

[worm761]

{{HUGS}} dont have any advice.

 

[bsnyder]

Ugh....I had a situation this year where a mom called and accused my son (and his girlfriend) of egging their house, on more than one occasion. She's the mother of twin girls that my son & his girlfriend were friends with in elementary/junior high. They are now juniors in high school and DS is not friends with the twins anymore, says they're very immature and are always gossiping, stirring the pot with people, etc. The mom was so nasty to me on the phone that I almost started crying.

Of course, egging is much more serious thing than teasing someone, so I confronted my son. He swore to me that he wasn't responsible and that these girls have made so many enemies that there was a long line of other "suspects".

Turns out that it was a girl the twins had done something real mean to.

The mom never called back to apologize to me....that's the thing that really burned me up! But I have let it go, and just consider the fact that it's not surprising that these girls have turned out the way they have.

I'm sorry your son had this happen to him!

 

[KJo719]

Was your son disciplined as a result or was the teacher just letting you know what happened? If he was disciplined I would talk to him and find out exactly what happened and from there decide if you need to talk to the teacher again. I know as a teacher, there have been times when I've been in similar situations where I'm unsure of exactly what happened because I hear 2 different stories, but just wanted the parent to be aware in case something was said to them by another parent and so they could talk to their child about it. I don't know if that's much help, but just remember all of the good things you were told about your son- you know they were true!!

 

[janette]

Originally posted by AnnMorin
Ps-DH says what has the world come to anyhow that a kid can't say at lunch to another you are acting like a retard if they are acting Dumb?

I would find it offensive and I do correct my children for using that word, it's not appropriate under any circumstances.

It sounds like the teacher just let you know so you'd be able to discuss it with your child. If he didnt' do anything let it go, if he used inappropriate words let him know why they aren't to be used and let it go. Hopefully the kids are over it already.

 

[AnnMorin]

She said she mentioned it to him and he said to her "huh?"

The child who he suppossedly teased is not the one upset but the mom of another (mom who works at the school)

I know it is hard for people that have disabled children to hear things such as reject or retard and Mike would never dream of saying something to a child who was disabled.. Keep in mind these are all "normal" ten year old boys,, when one sticks a straw in his nose and another says you are acting like a retard is that really harrassement?

I am so supset about this .. I am still wound up DH has gone to bed but I am beside myself, my child is so far removed from a harrasser it is silly. I almost want to make more of this and demand the person who "told" come forward and discuss this with me.. Jay says just let it go..........

 

[rae519]

Ann

This sort of stuff goes on a lot at school. We've learned over the years that we have to pick our battles more carefully because kids are always saying something that kids SAY! And many learn that they can manipulate the system by being "tattle tales" or just plain LIARS.

Where do they learn it? At home - from relatives and friends of relatives.
Kayla was once told that she was "dirty" because she was biracial. She asked the child why she said that and the child told her, "My Dad says all you ******s are dirty!" So she asked me what did "******" mean and why that meant she was dirty. So I gave her the explanation that some white people might not like her because she was part black and some black people might not like her because she was part white. She looked at me as only a 5 year old child can and said, "Ohhh, I'm like swirl ice cream! Part chocolate and part vanilla!" Then added, "Well, I like me the way I am and if they don't, that's their problem."

We also went through the "black people stink" comment and the snide remarks and looks, but my attitude gave her the attitude to prevail and she did.

As long as your son sees that you believe him and deal with it in a positive manner, it will be okay. BUT I am sure this is going to take a lot of time to overcome, but I believe that there is a lesson here - you know your child better than ANYONE, even Miss Not Minding Her Own Business, so set the example by showing your son that (1) yes, it is unfair, and (2) people sometimes will lie just to make trouble but the way to handle it is be honest and deny when accused if innocent.

Men deal with things differently than women and always say, "Forget it".

And to be quite honest, my first impulse was to ask you "Are the kitts hungry?"

Our society today is Politically Correct ad nauseaum - but the kids are still kids and everyone needs to deal with them as children.

Hang in there, pal!
Rae

 

[TINKFAN3]

When my son was in preschool his teacher accused him of bullying another student to the point
this student didn't want to come to school. This was shocking to me because my son has always been so sweet to everyone. He was in tears when I told him what his teacher said. He said the only thing he did was ask the kid if he wanted to play.

During the conference it came out that this student cried everyday after his parents left. The teacher would then call the parents and they would come and sit with him everyday!!! This was going on everyday for over a month! He would cry saying he hated school and wanted to go home to mommy! To make a long story short he used my son in order to get what he wanted. To be home with mom. I blasted the teacher for not stopping the action by having to call the parents everyday. She admitted she was wrong and didn't know what to do. She was taking the kids behavior personally and when the kid accused my son this was her savings grace. (This kid was also twice the size of my boy.) My son never bullied this kid. The kid did admit that he made it up!

Well, she no longer teaches. Anyone who couldn't deduce what was really going on has no business in the classroom.

 

[AnnMorin]

Well I feel a bit better this morning and decided not to send a note in to the teacher,, told Mike that he needs to be aware of what he says at lunch because it can get him in trouble.. this is so ridiculous but what else can you do?

 

[Robinrs]

Ann,

I have a 10yo boy also and I tend to agree with your DH.

We as mothers suffer with our children but we have to pick the battles. Remember, these are the GOOD years. The adolescent years will make these look like a cakewalk!

Kids can be sooo cruel. My son was an absolute angel until recently. I see him becoming more and more "defensive" as he reaches an age that they normally become more defiant. This is not necessarily a bad thing. They are becoming more and more independent and they have to take care of things without Mommy. This is a part of growing up.

There will always be an accuser, a person with an agenda, a person who doesn't "like" you. I tell my son that as old as I am I STILL go through it. What he will have to learn is that they don't matter. What does matter is what his parents feel about him. And I can see that you have incredible faith in his character. This will follow him all the years of his life.

Consider this an experience, and it won't be the last. Hang in there!

God bless,

Robinrs

 

[TINKFAN3]

Well said Robinrs! I have said this many times to my boys. I have been blessed so far.

 

[AnnMorin]

Thanks everyone! It is so good to have a place where you can go to share things.. you all are the best

 

[Breezy_Carol]

Often the teacher has to tell the parents or student of a complaint even if she does not believe it is true. She has to respond to the complaint.

When DD was in elementary school, she and about 4 other students were called down to the principal's office for doing something to another boy. (I can't remember what, it was 8 years ago.) The victim was a troubler maker and the accused were all good students with good grades and no disicplinary referrals. She was very upset when she came home. I spoke to the principal who said he knew they were innocent but had to speak to them because the parent complained and accused them.

 

[Kallison]

My advice is don't get into it with the Mom -- those confrontations never go well. Just tell the teacher that it was an innocent comment (albeit inapproriate) that he didn't mean to bully. You also might want to mention that there has been some jealousy issues going on between friends. Teachers usually understand these things, she was trying to do the right thing.

 

[Karel]

Originally posted by AnnMorin
I know it is hard for people that have disabled children to hear things such as reject or retard and Mike would never dream of saying something to a child who was disabled.. Keep in mind these are all "normal" ten year old boys,, when one sticks a straw in his nose and another says you are acting like a retard is that really harrassement?

..........

Yes. Do you think retarded people run around with straws sticking up their nose?

Ten year old boys do weird things. No reason to insult mentally retarded people. The ten year old boy was probably trying to be funny. If you think it's dumb, say it's dumb, not that you are acting like a retard.

I hate when people use that word in such a negative manner.

 

[AnnMorin]

Wow Karel... sorry that I offended you. I have never done a study on mentally retarded people so I have no idea if they stick straws up their noses. Most probably do not-maybe some do. I certainly would not want my son ever making fun of someone's disability and that was not the case.
Using your example though I would guess that calling someone dumb may be a form of harrassement too... My last name is Morin and our son is called Michael Moron all the time, he has learned to laugh it off. These are ten year old kids,, gosh I was called all kinds of things growing up-that is why they had that rhyme sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I have a 12yo and a 9yo son and can assure you that I am very well aware of the offensive words they can and will use. My children are certainly not angels and Retard is one of the words that they have been punished for using. I also find it offensive and cannot think of any situation in which it's use would be appropriate.

I would guess that calling someone dumb may be a form of harrassement too...

I'm not sure why you think calling somebody dumb wouldn't be if not harrassment, at least unacceptable behavior.

Yes children do call each other names -- they are kids. But that doesn't make it acceptable and doesn't mean they shouldn't be corrected for doing so.

 

[AnnMorin]

Originally posted by Toby'sFriend


I'm not sure why you think calling somebody dumb wouldn't be if not harrassment, at least unacceptable behavior.

.

I only stated that because karel said it would be more appropriate to say it was dumb... and I didn't think that was much different.

I have a great kid who is respectful and a good student. I would certainly punish him if he swore at someone, hit them bullied them but I choose my battles with him and would never punish him for calling a friend a dummy or goof.. I am not going to moniter his conversations, kids joke around with each other all the time,. sorry I just don't think saying that is awful -unless the child really was disabled or my son was saying it to be mean or hateful. Laughing at someone saying you look like a retard with the straw sticking out of his nose is not hateful in my opinion. And it is not said to be mean to mentally disabled people-it is a ten year old at lunch with 11 other ten year olds.

 

[rae519]

Before this ends up being a confrontation - can we all come to terms that (1) this is dealing with two 10 year old kids? (2) That the parent who made the comment was NOT the ones involved?(3) decades ago it was no big deal to call someone "retard" or "dummy", it was never a nice thing to say but it wasn't a cause for WWIII and (4) Ann was venting because her son was innocent.

If "dummy" is such a horrible thing then why are the books titled "......for Dummies"?


My generation played cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians - we played with toy guns and "shot" at people. We teased and were teased unmercifully. But our parents knew we were kids and treated us as kids - and we grew out of it. Now a days, kids have to be politically correct and proper.

I don't think any form of name calling is nice, and I had my share as a child and teenager. Secondly, I have biracial children who have had their share of this treatment also.

Let's just try to remember that Ann's son was wrongly accused by someone NOT in the picture and she's upset - as ANY parent would be.

Rae