So I find myself in a strange position! WWYD

[kellyg403]

You have told him you do not like his behavior, and you have told him to stop.

If you can, send an email to him to that effect the very next time he calls you an inappropriate name. In that email, reference that this is not the first time you've requested he use your name and no other word when addressing you, and that this email serves as your written request that he cease.

Then, if and only if you actually will, you can notify his supervisor (if he continues to call you those stupid names) that you are seeking legal advice. Tell his supervisor that you are concerned as you feel it is between you and the co-worker but it could be interpreted that since nothing is being done, a hostile work environment has been allowed to exist...

Or, if you are not willing to seek independent council, then talk with your HR and let them know that you are not willing to continue to be addressed by this person. The TONE is the key here, and he's using it because he thinks he can get away with it. The FACT is that you've asked him to stop and he has not.

Good luck to you. I think that your never having to go through something like this, or to seek assistance to handle a work relationship will speak well for you. It's not like you have a history...

I would love to tell you that it won't rebound on you, but it may. That's one of those miserable facts of life.

But what are your choices?

Yes, I think this will be exactly what I will do...email him. Note that it is writing that I am asking him to refer to me by name. And cc to the big guy so he knows that I am not kidding.

Thank you. I was hesitant to really lay it all out there because I didn't want to appear 'whiny' or complaining in any way.

Kelly

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My DH works closely with the Legal Dpt of his company and while the people who work there may think they are doing the people a favor they are, in actuality, collecting info that the company can use to defend itself at later date. The stuff the lawyers have as ammunition as a result of HR data is unbelievable.

When people are harassed, they are harassed by other people. But when people sue, they sue the company not the person. Companies know this and go to great lengths to protect themselves. Hiring smooshy HR reps with a kind face and a soft shoulder to cry on is a strategy to get people to lay down their guard and spill the beans. I see it from the other side, don't kid yourself that the organization has a heart. It's there to be profitable, no more & no less and any threats to the bottom line are dealt with one way or another.

I get what you are saying....

But suing the company is when after following all procedures to report the problem, the company fails you.

I thought I had seen some case come to a positive conclusion recently for someone....but I'm drawing a complete blank.

Having an HR person's shoulder to cry on, but allowing something against the law to continue--won't protect the company.

Wish I could remember the lawsuit that I'm referring to--but I can't.

 

[kellyg403]

Kelly sorry you are going through this stress at work that is playing on your emotions. I understand how frustrating it is when you want to handle something on your own and it is not working as expected. Does he use these terms with other women in the office (I know you are the only female peer, but what about other women employees?)

What would happen if you asked him "Hey (offender name) I am curious. You know that I don't like it when you call me sweetie or babe and that I would prefer you call me by my name. Why do you still keep doing it? Seems a little odd to me. So (offender name) help me to understand why you keep calling me sweetie or babe?" then smile nicely and let it stay unpleasantly quiet until he answers.

You wouldn't really be wanting his reason but for him to have to explain his bad behavior.

There is no shame in going to a superior. I do agree that as a manager you should be able to handle most things on your own but not everything. Your boss is responsible for his employees which would include you and the offender. Your boss's job is to make sure that you and the other person are behaving appropriately. If you can't work it out he should intervene and ensure a professional environment.

Yes, initially I noticed that he did this with the really young ones, 20 somethings. I am 40 something. I tried to play it off etc as just his way but I am old enough to know he doesn't mean 'sweetie' at all. The tone he uses is seriously condensending. Or has BECOME condenscending depending on how I view the situation.

I seriously think he has NO boundaries. Really, none. He just plays by his own sets of rules. He is, by my observation and having been with the company for awhile, feel he is pretty much gone as far as he will go. The funny thing is he doesn't call the good ole boys by any endearments. There is another women in another department who, I happened to overhear, tell him she was not his babe. He has never called her anything again. I thought after the dressing down she gave him he would never do it again. She was loud and cursed at him. I didn't want to go that route. But, I really really want to.

Kelly

 

[kellyg403]

I would do two things. First start documenting when and what he says to you. Second go back to your DM and let him know you have tried to handle it yourself, and it isn't working and if something isn't done you'll be going further up the ladder. None of this is your fault, he is saying things to you that he wouldn't dream of saying to a male, it's completely sexist and unacceptable. Also, just a random thought as one cryer to another, I cry at the drop of a hat the week before that time of the month...you might try to avoid getting into a meeting around then if that's the case for you too.

Yes...excellent advice as this would be an issue for me. My womanhood would be on public display if I do not heed this advice!

Kelly

 

[ToddyLu]

So it seems he has control in the work place and your Mom a while back had control (and reasonably so) due to a horrible illness. Maybe the combination of both has made this get to you. I am a scorpio and always trying to read through the lines. At some point you will have to end this some way because it is making you miserable. The guy is inappropriate and behaves in a non-professional manner, report it, hopefully it will end. Can you and the other lady that jumped on him get together for a united front. I mean if the email doesn't work. I agree that would be a strong statement to me to have an email cc'd to the boss. I am still trying to understand how he got enough control in the workplace to use staff for babysitting at his convienence. He was changing the schedule to benefit himself??

The only time I was harrassed in the work place was by another female but not in a sexual manner. She was spreading lies to upper management on my staff and eventually told so many that they did not believe me. It WAS affecting my reputation with others at the workplace. So I left. Then she hung herself and was encouraged to leave. So know I am back at the original place where no one remembers those events. It was horrible, but I was left no choice, so I left. I actually got to do lots of different jobs in the process and taught myself several different things that I still use today. I taught myself Power point and Excel..........now I use excel to plan Disney.

I wish you the best and hope this is resolved to your satisfaction. If not have you thought of what the next step might be?

 

[Evil Genius]

"I spoke to my district manager for advice because I would like to keep this in the store. He was very kind and told me basically I 'am' the strong, confident woman I think I am, and for me to sit down with him and the offender and lay it out there for him."

Isn't this the solution to your problem? Sit down with this man and your manager and tell him to knock it off. Sitting down with a higher up will send him the message that you are serious. Why are you handing this man all the power and control? Take it back!

 

[Carly_Roach]

Another tactic is to call him "sweetie pie" right back, or you can use "kiddo" or "dear" which are equally emasculating.

I've successfully used this response to men calling me "babe" before. IE: He says "Thanks, babe!", I say "You got it, dollface!" (or 'sugardumpling' or 'cupcake') right back. I didn't get sarcastic when I said it; I merely used the same jolly manner they would use when they said these things to me.

I've found that when I did it back to them, it either stopped the behavior completely because I was putting myself on the same power level as the person doing it and they didn't like my particular colloquialisms, or it actually seemed to make me "one of the boys" because I was using their lingo.

It has nothing to do with whether or not you are stupid and everything to do with power, and you are giving him all of it.

I absolutely agree.

If/when you decide to make an issue of this with upper management and are worried that you are going to cry at the meeting, try to keep this advice in mind:

Throw the words "professional behavior" and "good professional work environment" around a lot.

If you're going to pursue the course of someone else trying to control this guy's behavior, then be as professional as you can be and appeal to the company's desire for professional behavior on everyone's part.

Personally, I'd rather solve these kinds of issues myself before getting management involved. But it sounds like it's gone a bit further than that for your situation. I wish you the best of luck!

 

[robinb]

This is a little passive/aggressive game that he is playing to undermine your authority in the company and get back at you for messing up his babysitting plans.

You just talked to your manager today, right? I would tell Mr. Sweetie straight up that he is to call you by your name only and not any terms of endearments. I wouldn't use the words "prefer" or "want". I would use stronger words like "you will" and "you won't". At this point you are no longer asking him. You are telling him. Tell him that if he continues to use endearments with you that you will speak to your manager about the issue. If he calls you an endearment again, stand up to him and say out loud and in public "I have asked you not to call me that." AND THEN place a call to your manager as soon as you can.

This guy seems like a real piece of work between belittling the women at his level (you and the other woman) and using the younger female staff as his personal babysitting staff. I have to say that I am shocked that hiring the "girls" that presumably work for him as babysitters has not bitten him in the butt. Yet. That, in and of itself, is harassment IMO. How can those girls say no when he asks them to babysit?

 

[StitchFanZ]

How about recording your conversations? If he asks why, simply explain that your are documenting when others address co-workers with disrespectful and uprofessional terms such as sweetie and babe even after they have been asked to stop.

 

[Hidden_Mickey]

I feel for you. I've never been in that situation, so take this with a grain of salt. I'm not sure I would have the stones to do this myself, but I've always wanted to. The next time he calls you "sweetie" very gently but matter of factly say, in front of others "my name is X, I don't respond to "sweetie". The next time he calls you that, look around and say "who are you talking to?" If he can't "get" that "sweetie" is not your name, then maybe you won't be listening to a damn thing he says until he "gets" it. Just look at him point blank and say "Are you talking to me? Because my name is X" and walk away. Do NOT give him the time of day, until he gives it to you. BAM! And make sure you do it in front of other people. If he continued, I also would ask, very seriously, and slowly, if he had difficulty understanding what your name is. Just make sure you use that voice and tone that you would use on a 3 year old, who you were explaining something to. You could also call him Twinkle Toes or something, and keep coming up with ridiculous names. Eventually you will do it in front of others who will ask and you could explain that since he calls you ridiculous names you decided to make him comfortable by treating him with the same mutual respect.

But seriously, I think I would be intimidated at first, but after a while I would be so annoyed I would just throw it right back at him. Of course, that could get emotional and backfire, so I understand your hesitation to turn this into a mud slinging match. Especially if he now knows that this bothers you he may be doing it on purpose for a cheap power trip. This would really tee me off. This is not kindergarten people! Geesh. At this point I think I would just feel sorry for him that he's not bright enough to "get it" and he will eventually hang himself. Of course that doesn't help the fact that you will still cringe every time you see him. I HAVE worked with someone like that before and that really stinks. And yes, he eventually hanged himself. (professionally!)

 

[kellyg403]

This guy seems like a real piece of work between belittling the women at his level (you and the other woman) and using the younger female staff as his personal babysitting staff. I have to say that I am shocked that hiring the "girls" that presumably work for him as babysitters has not bitten him in the butt. Yet. That, in and of itself, is harassment IMO. How can those girls say no when he asks them to babysit?

They can now. When they initially came to me, I was all ready to take it to the HR dept. I felt like the guy was someone in a supervisory role, there was no way he wasn't going to always get his way. So, with phones in hand, since he was a texter, I went to our supervisor and explained what was going on, HR was my next stop, and Mr.Sweetie better not retaliate because the game was over because I will be watching him. I explained to the big guy these girls deserve a professional working environment. Haven't heard a thing about it since. He stopped asking. These girls are young. He never asked anyone older, he was picking and choosing.

See, these things that have occurred have made me sure that its all about getting to me and break me because I have called him out a couple times. Always calmly and professionaly. But geez, who does this stuff? A supervisor doesn't place themselves in such situations if their care about their job. At least I wouldn't.

Kelly