Situation With My Mom - Your Thoughts

[sbell111]

hmmm. so many folks trying to figure out how to make grandma happy.

If someone tells you off and hangs up on you, I think it's in their court to pull it together and contact YOU.

I have very personal experience w/ a mom who has been like that for years. I felt very guilty for a long time, but then realized I can't change her reaction to anything I do or say or don't do or say!

I wouldn't change the plans with your friend. Your mom can make another trip to college another time. It's up to her, not you what her plans are.

IMHO

Mom was out of line and acting very immaturely.

Don't change your plans. That kind of manipulative behavior is unacceptable for a grown adult.

If you say "I'm sorry I upset you" you are admitting that you actively did something that upset her. If you are going to "apologize" at all it should be "I'm sorry you're upset." That's more empathy than apology.

I agree with both of these posts.

I would have sent her an email, but it would basically be to put on her big girl pants and get over it.

You have been great to include your mother in so much of your life, but that doesn't mean that she has to be completely involved in everything that you ever do with your children. At the end of the day, you're the parent and, while you certainly respect her council, she doesn't actually have decision making authority when it comes to you and your children.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

At the end of the day, you're the parent and, while you certainly respect her council, she doesn't actually have decision making authority when it comes to you and your children.

I agree with this, however, it's going to be difficult to teach the grandmother that she's NOT the authority, because she obviously thinks she is, without difficult times ahead.

I think just telling her to "put on her big girl pants" (while funny as hell) will just start a war, not accomplish what the OP wants, which is to have a relationship on equal footing with her mom.

I bet this came out of the blue for the OP because the OP probably hasn't told the mom "no", directly or indirectly, often.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Mystery Machine needs her own website, she's so good-I always imagine this when I see her posts:

#1. Here is my solid advice when it comes to dealing with emotional issues, including esp. cheating, divorce, or parental disagreements....never put anything in writing. That is my golden rule.

#2. You do not have to "win" or "have the last word". Let things go, sometimes that is the "win".

#3. If you know a parent is controlling, mentally unstable at the time, or going to play games with you over an issue, then expect it. Treat it like brushing your teeth. You know you are going to have to deal with it, don't be surprised when the crap falls your way and be a good scout and be prepared.

In this case, mom is hurt which is understandable considering the history. I am not made of stone.

However as a parent with a child going off to college right now, no way would I even have the brain energy to deal with "mom". Just say sorry you are upset and move on.

 

[Disney Doll]

It must be Crazy Mother Week, because my best friend and I were commisserating last night about some "out of character" things our respective mothers have said & done this wee that have us going .

That is the pertinent point of information though, OP...is this behavior "out of character" for your mother or does she always behave like this when things don't go the way "she" thinks they should?

With my own mother, if the behavior seems out of character, I try to figure it out a bit...what's happening, is it physical (my mother is 83 so I am always on the lookout for dementia), is it emotional, has she just talked to one of her siblings (that always sets her off!)...thats sort of thing.

However, certain things with my mother are very much "in character"...small changes to her routine "throw" her, so I know that if she has to change her routine, there will be a certain amount of "angst", and probably some inappropriate behavior or statements. Then I sort of let it "roll off", let her cool down a little and then pretend like nothing has happened. Could or should I "confront" her about her inappropriate behavior? Well, probably, but she's 83 and who knows how much longer I'll have her and I'm certainly not going to do something to cause huge issues or estrangement now. That's just me though...there are folks who would make a different choice.

 

[tonilea]

It must be Crazy Mother Week, because my best friend and I were commisserating last night about some "out of character" things our respective mothers have said & done this wee that have us going

AMEN!! Without hijacking this thread, let me just say, it must be something going around. My MIL has been a real fruit loop this week!!

 

[MerMom60_94]

Brief history: I'm 45, only child, married with two of my own children (14 and 18). My parents are still relatively young, able-bodied, and both still work full time.



I really don't know what is going on but she has been a little "odd" for a few years now. I'm willing to admit that some of that might be my doing. She can be critical and judgmental at times and I have probably backed off from her a bit emotionally. But I am stabbing in the dark here.

I guess I just don't really know how to handle this. She's not acting rationally with me right and if I did what I really wanted to do which is call her out on her petty behavior, well, the reaction might be bad. Any ideas?

Just a thought. I highlighted your age and the fact that your parents are still young because I am having to guess at your mother's age range. I also highlighted your statement that she has been a little "odd" for a few years now which indicates this is not a one time issue, nor has it always been an issue. Is it possible your mother may be going through the change? Doesn't that impact emotions? I am only going by what I have heard. I have limited exposure to this myself but it's just something to consider. If so, maybe your mother is having her own emotional turmoil and it may be driven by that physical change.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

It must be Crazy Mother Week,

AMEN!! Without hijacking this thread, let me just say, it must be something going around. My MIL has been a real fruit loop this week!!

OMG I totally had the same thought, then saw these posts...

 

[Nancyg56]

My dd is going off to college too and I don't have time for parental tantrums.

I agree that tantrums are uncalled for. I would neither throw one nor would I tolerate one. I was just trying to give a different perspective.

 

[Christine]

Hi Everyone!

Thank you SO much for all of your thoughts. I have been out all morning with my son to his "back to school" doctor appointments. Hope you all didn't think I ran away from my thread...

Anyway, there were so many good posts here that I would love to quote and answer them all but I think we'd have a 10-page thread if I did that.

So, I'll try to recap some of the things that were thrown out there.

To the person who asked about the college--yes, my DD is going out of state and it is about 4 hours away. We are all very excited.

To having my mom take another car--I'm about 99% she doesn't want to do that plus the school has given very strict instructions about having too many vehicles descending on the town. I was mailed ONE pass. Apparently, it's chaos. Small little streets on steep hills and very little parking.

As for my mother, hmmm., how to describe her. Most people perceive her as a very rational, stable person and she is. She is 65. She went through meno about 10 years ago and that was when I first noticed a change in her but that was expected. Of course, I also probably "changed" at that time too becoming more independent and less dependent on her and my life smoothed out. I had some tough times when my kids were very long with going through thyroid cancer and she was a big help with that. I noticed that if she didn't hear from me for a few days or if we didn't do a lot together she kind of got upset. But it was never a major deal. I remember conversations during the "menopause" time that she felt I didn't really want to see her that much, or I didn't want her at my house. Now this was not true but I was getting VERY busy, the kids were older and going places. It's not like we were all sitting on the couch holding babies anymore. I just didn't have time to have them come over and "visit" as I was cleaning, shopping, cooking. We never had fights over this but there were times that she seemed upset at my behavior.

My mother can also be a bit "bossy." My step-dad (who has been around since I was 4) is a great guy but a big pushover. She pushes him around and he takes it. Sometimes I think she can be a little rough on him but, hey, that's their marriage and it works for them. She has never treated me in that fashion but I guess she didn't have to. But ever since those years, she has been different and this has been going on for 10 years. She is crankier, more pessimistic. I always feel like there is an undertone of judgement in her voice over things but it's all in the background. I'm pretty non-confrontational so there you have it.

I can't think that she's ever hung up on me. She's gotten upset and we've worked it out pretty quickly but not like last night. The only other time she had a real "tantrum" was on our 2007 Disney trip. We were at DHS one day, the kids were tired and acting terribly bratty and one of them was not feeling well. Admittedly, they were very drippy and my mom started getting irritated with them. They were ready to leave and she wanted them to go to the Narnia exhibit. They absolutely did not want to go. She got pissed, got really mad at them and me, and proceeded to storm out of the park. I told my Dad, "I'm sitting right here and not chasing after her, she can go if she wants, I don't give in to temper tantrums." Naturally, like a 3 year old, she came back and huffed and puffed and then got over it. But it really pissed me off. Almost to the point that I considered NOT asking them on this trip that we just got back from.

Overall, she has changed. She seems bitter, pessimistic, and unhappy. But I don't know if it has something to do with me or her life in general. And honestly, I have been afraid to ask because I haven't had the stomach to be unloaded on.

I know I am probably making her sound "worse" than she is. In general, she's really just fine and you would think she is the lovliest person ever. Most people do. I just get this general vibe that she's unhappy with something and my suspicion is that it is either some behavior that I have towards her, some way that I parent my children, or my lifestyle and she has just kept her mouth shut about it.

As for apologizing, prior to posting this, I sent her an e-mail this morning basically telling her that I could not talk to her while being yelled at, bullied, and hung up on. I explained in detail how it came to be that my friend was going, and that in no way did it occur to me that she would be hurt over this. I told her that I could certainly put myself in her place and see how she would feel excluded and be hurt and that I was sorry for that. But I also asked her to look at what my intentions were and to look at my past behavior of inviting her (because I wanted her company) to 95% of the things I do. I also explained that it was important for me to have a relationship with my friend of 20 years and that we hardly do anything together. I told her that I thought she would *want* me to have somebody in my life because they won't always be there for me.

I'm only hoping that it cools her off and she can see my side of it without all the fits. I can truly see why she would be hurt and that was not my intention.

 

[Nik's Mom]

I think your mother was out of line, op. You are really in a tough spot right now, because her actions have hurt you. But please don't let this taint you or your son's move-in experience. This should be a time of excitement, not one that has caused unhappiness. Hang in there. I'm sure your mom will come around.

Have fun with your son and friend during this exciting time!

 

[Disney Doll]

So it sounds like since Mom's "change" she's been a bit crankier & more depressed maybe????

Obviously my 1st advice would be to have her have a complete physical with associated bloodwork and see if she needs any kind of hormone replacement which might help, or perhaps anti-depressants? That being said, it only works if Mom would be in agreement to go to an MD and take the medication, if medication was indicated.

I think you are at a point at which you should not "crack". Mom did a temper tantrum once before, you didn't "crack" and she came around. She's just pulling out an old trick to see if it will work this time around, so don't let it". I would cease trying to explain or justify myself to her. You have said your piece in your e-mail, so leave it at that.

Very simply put "Mom, for the amount of time we spend together and the amount of involvement you have in our lives, it is silly to think that we are trying to avoid you or whatever it is you think is happening here. So let's be done with it & move on". As much as I usually try a "softer" touch with my mother, there are times when being direct is the only way to get the insanity to stop.

As far as her upcoming "opinions" about whatever it is that she thinks you're doing wrong, the best advice is to say "well, thank you for your opinion. I'll certainly consider it as we figure out what to do about insert issue here". The you have acknowledged her and her input without saying "Yes you're right" or "No you're wrong".

 

[horseshowmom]

So it sounds like since Mom's "change" she's been a bit crankier & more depressed maybe????

Obviously my 1st advice would be to have her have a complete physical with associated bloodwork and see if she needs any kind of hormone replacement which might help, or perhaps anti-depressants? That being said, it only works if Mom would be in agreement to go to an MD and take the medication, if medication was indicated.

I agree. When things calm down a little bit, I would try to get her to consider having a complete checkup (with the doctor being made aware of her behavior being a little "off"). I would tell her that it seems like things aren't quite "right" with her. She may share some other problems with you, or she could even be dealing with depression due to some chemical imbalance.

Good luck!

 

[Christine]

She actually had a physical a year or so ago and had everything checked. She is a very healthy woman with nothing "off". She exercises several times a week. I wouldn't call her depressed in a sense that she has some sort of imbalance but I have always felt that she's not very happy with her life. Nothing major, just things aren't the way she would like. My dad, while he works, he is VERY dependent on her and looks to her to make all the decisions. Now, this a trait I think she looked for in a man but, over the years has sort of bit her in the butt.

I think she feels bummed that my dad doesn't do things to plan trips or things to do so she gets angry. I've told her many times, kind of laughing with her, that she created that environment.

She also doesn't have any interests outside her job. Her job is fairly high paid, very busy, and very intense and she works a 9-10 hour day with a bad commute. Her only good friend left the area many, many years ago and they have lost touch and her siblings have never really had much of a relationship with each other.

I think she does get quite bored on the weekends and is bitter about it. When my kids were young (really young), they were always around helping or doing something with the kids. Well, the kids really aren't interested now. My DD (18) is off doing her own things and my son (14) is just not interested in doing stuff with them anymore--he's always trying to go with his friends. Perfectly normal stuff that my mom was FINE with when *I* was a teen. But she did have her own life then.

 

[Disney Doll]

She actually had a physical a year or so ago and had everything checked. She is a very healthy woman with nothing "off". She exercises several times a week. I wouldn't call her depressed in a sense that she has some sort of imbalance but I have always felt that she's not very happy with her life. Nothing major, just things aren't the way she would like. My dad, while he works, he is VERY dependent on her and looks to her to make all the decisions. Now, this a trait I think she looked for in a man but, over the years has sort of bit her in the butt.

I think she feels bummed that my dad doesn't do things to plan trips or things to do so she gets angry. I've told her many times, kind of laughing with her, that she created that environment.

She also doesn't have any interests outside her job. Her job is fairly high paid, very busy, and very intense and she works a 9-10 hour day with a bad commute. Her only good friend left the area many, many years ago and they have lost touch and her siblings have never really had much of a relationship with each other.

I think she does get quite bored on the weekends and is bitter about it. When my kids were young (really young), they were always around helping or doing something with the kids. Well, the kids really aren't interested now. My DD (18) is off doing her own things and my son (14) is just not interested in doing stuff with them anymore--he's always trying to go with his friends. Perfectly normal stuff that my mom was FINE with when *I* was a teen. But she did have her own life then.

So Mom has dug herself into a little "hole"...no extended (siblings etc.) family, no friends, a husband who won't/isn't allowed to make many decisions, work, and YOU (and by "you" I mean you and your family...your "package deal")!

Her life consists of her busy job, "taking care" of everything around her house, and YOU.

So...what's she seeing now? A "control freak" of sorts with a dependent husband, who she may have created, but who is nonetheless getting on her nerves, & a busy job... 2 "jobs" in effect, because of the need to take care of everything at home and at work. YOU are it as far as an "outlet" is concerned. And now even YOU are not cooperating, thinking you should go off with someone else and do something. And those kids of yours...growing up and all and not wanting to have their Grandma at their side every minute of every day.

The tone I intend for the above is "tongue-in-cheek", but can you see where I am coming from? Her life is really quite "small" in terms of who she has in it. And she likes to be "in control of " or involved with things. And you probably have mostly cooperated with her need for control/involvement because it worked for you too when you needed help when the kids were sick and so forth. But for all her life, YOU have been her only focus and now YOU are pulling away a little.

Again, not excusing, but explaining. Your mother's scared she will lose you or at least lose some of the time she spends with you..and then what will she have left?????.... and is trying a tantrum to get her way.

 

[MerMom60_94]

I'm just popping in to say everything DisneyDoll is saying makes perfect sense to me. The only thought I want to add is that you mother is now at an age where she is probably close to retirement and she could be looking at her life and wondering what she has left. If she retires in the next few years she won't have any of these things she has depended upon to keep her busy and that have given her so much pleasure. Maybe there are bigger issues going on in her head and this is just symptomatic, if that makes sense.

 

[Christine]

So Mom has dug herself into a little "hole"...no extended (siblings etc.) family, no friends, a husband who won't/isn't allowed to make many decisions, work, and YOU (and by "you" I mean you and your family...your "package deal")!

Her life consists of her busy job, "taking care" of everything around her house, and YOU.

So...what's she seeing now? A "control freak" of sorts with a dependent husband, who she may have created, but who is nonetheless getting on her nerves, & a busy job... 2 "jobs" in effect, because of the need to take care of everything at home and at work. YOU are it as far as an "outlet" is concerned. And now even YOU are not cooperating, thinking you should go off with someone else and do something. And those kids of yours...growing up and all and not wanting to have their Grandma at their side every minute of every day.

The tone I intend for the above is "tongue-in-cheek", but can you see where I am coming from? Her life is really quite "small" in terms of who she has in it. And she likes to be "in control of " or involved with things. And you probably have mostly cooperated with her need for control/involvement because it worked for you too when you needed help when the kids were sick and so forth. But for all her life, YOU have been her only focus and now YOU are pulling away a little.

Again, not excusing, but explaining. Your mother's scared she will lose you or at least lose some of the time she spends with you..and then what will she have left?????.... and is trying a tantrum to get her way.

DisneyDoll, you hit the nail so hard on the head I think you should be a carpenter!!! The only thing you got wrong was that she "takes care of everything at home." Nope, she doesn't. My dad does. She has always worked later than him, so he grocery shops and cooks the meals. They do split the cleaning but truly it is 50/50. She's just in charge of the money. She gets a LOT of help from my dad. He also did a lot for me when I was growing up (picking up from school, taking me to the doctor when sick, etc) because he had the closer, more flexible job. So she's not in TOTAL control. But, yes, her world has become very small and we are all that she has.

 

[Christine]

I'm just popping in to say everything DisneyDoll is saying makes perfect sense to me. The only thought I want to add is that you mother is now at an age where she is probably close to retirement and she could be looking at her life and wondering what she has left. If she retires in the next few years she won't have any of these things she has depended upon to keep her busy and that have given her so much pleasure. Maybe there are bigger issues going on in her head and this is just symptomatic, if that makes sense.

This is true. She is eligible to retire but she hasn't yet because she knows she has nothing to do all day and, also, her sister retired a few years ago and has gone from being an active, vibrant hard worker to something of a shut-in. I think the thought of retirement scares her.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I see that the picture is pretty close to how I imagined it....

Sad when a person sees their 'retirement job' and their 'life' as taking over their grown child's life...

Hope these issues improve!!!

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

DisneyDoll, you hit the nail so hard on the head I think you should be a carpenter!!! The only thing you got wrong was that she "takes care of everything at home." Nope, she doesn't. My dad does. She has always worked later than him, so he grocery shops and cooks the meals. They do split the cleaning but truly it is 50/50. She's just in charge of the money. She gets a LOT of help from my dad. He also did a lot for me when I was growing up (picking up from school, taking me to the doctor when sick, etc) because he had the closer, more flexible job. So she's not in TOTAL control. But, yes, her world has become very small and we are all that she has.

It sounds like she has invested everything that she has, and everything that she is, in you and your family. People have made worse decisions. This need not be a bad thing...

 

[Christine]

It sounds like she has invested everything that she has, and everything that she is, in you and your family. People have made worse decisions. This need not be a bad thing...

And that's why I sort of mentioned the "only child" factor. I think this is easy to do when you have only one child. If my mom had several children, she could spread herself out amongst them! Although, I've seen some instances where parents of multiple children still get deeply invested.