Single Parenting Advice-DD6

[santa's surpriz]

I am a single mom of DD, age 6, divorced when DD was only 3. My ex's visitation is supposed to be every other weekend and am always challenged with getting her back into a routine and behaving after she sees him. It takes me about three days to get back to normal. He lives 3 hours away now and I have stopped taking her to him, I did that for a year and a half and finally decided that he wants to see her he come and get her. On top of a three hour screaming and temper tamtrum that she did want to go see him. My ex appears to be a good dad, however he went 4 months with ot seeing her. It was great bc was this well behaved little princess. She spent the first week of summer break, and Father's day weekend plus an additional weekend since June 1st and now I am having issues....

She got in trouble for stealing another girl's lipstick and that same day she took a CD from school. Told me another teacher gave it her, which I found out this morning she lied to me. At the time I did not think much of it bc the CD was so scratched it would not play, I thought I would share my glue trick with them and was informed that no one gave it her and DD admitted that she did not have permission to takeit home. It's not the first time she has lied, but she cried so much and apologized I thought she understood. BOy was I wrong! So as a punishment, we gave back the CD, she has to write letter apologizing and why stealing is wrong. I have also made arrangements for her to vacuum or pick up lunch dishes and clean tables at lunchtime at school. ( I thought it was more appropriate the punsihement is there bc that is where the incident occurred.) TAking away TV, or taking away a day at the pool hurts me more than it does her. lol.

On top of the stealing incident she has started spitting, hitting me and the dog, throwing things, and just not listening at all.

My concern is that there are issues that are causing her to act out. Is it the lack of her relationship with her dad? Is it something I am doing wrong? Do I need to seek therapy for her? I know it's tough for her to understand. My ex is getting remarried in December and lives with his girlfriend. Between working fulltime, going to school fulltime, keeping up a house, a bow biz, and taking her to gymnastics I just don't have time for anyone in my life.

I can easily chalk this up to growing pain phase, but in retrospect if I make light when I should be taking it seriosly I will regret it. Any advice would be helpful and or anyone go thru something similar have some insight would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!!!!

 

[sunnyday123]

Have you had her in counseling? I don't know if that sounds like normal acting out in terms of divorce....my DD is different when she comes home from Dads, but it's basically because there aren't any rules and she has no respect for him ( something he has brought on himself ) It takes the rest of that day to get her groove back.

When we first divorced, she would come back very angry at me. Was terribly rude and down right nasty. We went to counseling, and found out it was because he was telling her I wouldn't let him live with us, and I wouldn't let her see him alot ( he cancelled alot of visits ), etc. I would try to be extra nice, which just got me dumped on. Every situation is different, and hers sounds like there is something else going on too. Divorce is hard on kids, and the best thing parents can do is be civil and work on things with her equally. This isn't easy, and my ex only went to one session, and only because the counselor called him herself.

She has alot to deal with, and sometimes they are afraid to hurt your feelings so they don't talk about it, but will sing like a bird to a stranger. Good luck.

 

[Leajess99]

I would possibly look at counseling for her. There may be something happening at her dad's that is causing her to act out. It is hard on the kids of divorce but you just never know what may be being said or done that may need to be addressed.

In my case, my kids spent last weekend with their dad where he proceeded to tell my 11 year old it is all her fault that he only gets 2 weeks a year with him. He handed her the court order and made her read it than said it was because she "tattled" that he lost the case. The sad thing is that this is the same man that had to be taken back to court for child abuse where he admitted to the judge that he slapped her, bit her twice, was mentally abusive by talking about the preplanning of getting his "not girlfriend" pregnant, and other things. He always has someone living at his house when the kids are supposed to go visit and it is just bad. Thankfully for my kids he has had his 2 weeks this year and will NOT see them again as long as I can stop it.

 

[kevschickee]

wow do you think your ex is doing anything wrong when he has her? does he treat her ok? I would bring her to someone to talk to. Divorce is tough on us adults I can't imagine how it is on a little girl

 

[sk!mom]

So as a punishment, we gave back the CD, she has to write letter apologizing and why stealing is wrong. I have also made arrangements for her to vacuum or pick up lunch dishes and clean tables at lunchtime at school. ( I thought it was more appropriate the punsihement is there bc that is where the incident occurred.) TAking away TV, or taking away a day at the pool hurts me more than it does her. lol.

Between working fulltime, going to school fulltime, keeping up a house, a bow biz, and taking her to gymnastics I just don't have time for anyone in my life.

You definitely need to get her into some counseling. Stealing and over the top temper tantrums are not typical for a six year old.

As far as what's causing it, you mention that your ex seems to be a good dad. I can't speak to that but a therapist should be able to help your DD articulate any issues. Ask your pediatrician for a referral.

I do notice some red flags in your post. Having her write a note of apology to the school is appropriate but, in my opinion, expecting her to "clean up at school" is inappropriate. Turning her into the school maid is humiliating and will likely increase her angry feelings.

Taking away priviledges while it is hard on us as parents is very effective in most cases and makes much more sense. You mention that you're very busy and "don't have time"- I understand that but raising, loving, and effectively disciplining a child takes just that- time and lots of it.

Good Luck- parenting is hard work.

 

[santa's surpriz]

You definitely need to get her into some counseling. Stealing and over the top temper tantrums are not typical for a six year old.

As far as what's causing it, you mention that your ex seems to be a good dad. I can't speak to that but a therapist should be able to help your DD articulate any issues. Ask your pediatrician for a referral.

I do notice some red flags in your post. Having her write a note of apology to the school is appropriate but, in my opinion, expecting her to "clean up at school" is inappropriate. Turning her into the school maid is humiliating and will likely increase her angry feelings.

Taking away priviledges while it is hard on us as parents is very effective in most cases and makes much more sense. You mention that you're very busy and "don't have time"- I understand that but raising, loving, and effectively disciplining a child takes just that- time and lots of it.

Good Luck- parenting is hard work.

No really one knows I about the extra chore, I made arrangements with the afternoon teacher and it only for 4 days next week. She happens to be a good friend of mine. I didn't want the other kids to know bc it may create a label for her and did want to do that. My thought process was that the CD was the daycares, so doing a chore at the day care would be appropriate. It's only one of those I let the teacher decide, as far as anyone is concerned she is a little helper.

I do make time for her, just not my self. Luckily I am kid at heart and sit down and play Barbie, do kiddie crafts as well as make sit down dinners and read to her every night. I was wondering if daddy getting living with another woman and getting married and then not seeing mommy with someone was contributing to this....

Thanks everyone for the responses, I am going to call the pediatrician tomorrow as well as my EAP at work.

What really started me thinking was that she told me she did not see daddy on Father's Day...she told me stayed her aunts. Then I recalled the "boys tradition" of going golfing on Father's Day. She was really hurt by it, then all this other stuff starting making more sense.

 

[santa's surpriz]

wow do you think your ex is doing anything wrong when he has her? does he treat her ok? I would bring her to someone to talk to. Divorce is tough on us adults I can't imagine how it is on a little girl

He would never hurt her, I am thinking that maybe she is not getting enough attention from him when she there. Golf and watching sports was more intertesting to him then anything else when we were married, so I doubt that has changed much. I also think she starting to realize that her friends have both mommies and daddies. Add in his wedding, it must be very confusing for her.

 

[AuroraBeauty]

The behavior you describe is not 'developmentally appropriate'. Your DD is having some problems dealing with something and while she may be bright and articulate normally, most young children just do not have the knowledge to explain what they are feeling. (OK, neither do most adults, but that's another topic!).

I would also suggest you consider counseling. My suggestion is to look specifically for a Certified Play Therapist. They are specifically trained to work with young children in an environment and manner that will truly help the child. It might look like 'play time' to us, but through play the therapist is better able to draw you DD out and find out what is going on. If you search for 'certified play therapist' you'll come across the association and will likely find someone in your area.

Don't give up and don't give in. You know you love her, she knows you love her. Be firm, but be patient.

Sending Pixie Dust!

 

[Disneyliscious]

She may need counselig as others have stated. It may take goig to a few before you find one that clicks.

The best counseling ANY child can get is from their parent(s). Just sittng don and talking...and being honest.....being real....helps them. Six year olds are quite smart at understanding but their perception of what they understand can be off if they have noone to clarify things.

Openly talk about dad and how happy he is to be having a new wife soon. Let her know it makes you happy (even if it doesnt). She could be angry at HIM and you are the one who is seeing the actng out. If she feels everyone is happy about the situation, it will be a smoother transition for her. Im not saying you dont already do that.....was just sggesting in case you didn't.