Single moms (and dads): Do you date?

[RichNKatHolly]

I'm surprised to find that several single moms I know have gone years without dating, etc. "My children are my top priority" kind of thing (which is totally cool with me).

Just curious as to who else does or does not date and why. Also, when do you intoduce the other person to the kids? Do you hire a sitter to go out or do you only go when the kids are with the other parent?

Me: I'm single, I did date, introduced to kids after 1 year. I like having another adult to share my life with.

 

[ScorpioJeni]

I'm a single mom too. Yes I date, well not so much anymore I'm in a serious relationship but we don't live together. When we go out alone its when neither of us has our kids. But most of the time we do stuff with the kids. Each has meet the other's kids but as far as the kids are concerned we're just friends. We want to be sure that the kids will get along with each other before we take that next step.

 

[NMAmy]

I dated DH when I was a single mom. We worked at the same place so we'd go out to lunch, etc at first. Then we dated when dd was at her dad's. After about 6 months, I introduced dd and DH. DD was a bit annoyed with him at first for dating her mother but then she realized that he spoils her rotten. She's 16 now and the two of them adore each other. They are best pals and gang up on Mommy.

I dated because I just didn't see why I should be sitting home twiddling my thumbs when dd wasn't home--my ex and I had joint custody so she was with him a lot. I was lucky--DH was the only guy I dated after my divorce.

 

[RichNKatHolly]

It's great to hear from other women that are now in serious relationships (or married again). I was beginning to feel a little guilty. My one concern was that now that the kids met "him", what if we break up. Would they suffer another loss like when I split with their dad. I guess nothing is easy.

 

[NMAmy]

It's great to hear from other women that are now in serious relationships (or married again). I was beginning to feel a little guilty. My one concern was that now that the kids met "him", what if we break up. Would they suffer another loss like when I split with their dad. I guess nothing is easy.

Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith. Unfortunately, I can't keep dd wrapped up in cotton wool and guarantee she'll never be hurt again. Or that I'll never be hurt again, for that matter.

Before I got serious with DH, dd did take it WAY too much to heart that she and I were all we had. She worried about me too much. She was only 8. Although I adored her more than anything, I couldn't give her that pressure of being the sole focus of my life. I'm sorry, I'm probably not explaining this very well. For our particular situation, it worked out for the best.

 

[RichNKatHolly]

Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith. Unfortunately, I can't keep dd wrapped up in cotton wool and guarantee she'll never be hurt again. Or that I'll never be hurt again, for that matter.

Before I got serious with DH, dd did take it WAY too much to heart that she and I were all we had. She worried about me too much. She was only 8. Although I adored her more than anything, I couldn't give her that pressure of being the sole focus of my life. I'm sorry, I'm probably not explaining this very well. For our particular situation, it worked out for the best.

Nope, explained perfectly, I get what you are saying. I'm so happy that it all worked out for you.

I wonder what some of my girlfriends are going to do when their kids leave the house and go away for school. But, hey, I know some very happy single people. Just for me, I like a companion.

 

[Disney Doll]

Seems like it would be a very difficult position.

I do think that for a period of time in their lives, children need to come first with their parents, whether the parents are married or not. Divorce just adds another "wrinkle" to the situation.

Most of the divorced-with-children folks I know date when their children are with the other parent and try to be very careful about not introducing their children to significant others until they are really "significant". They basically say they hate to introduce any more possible loss into their young lives too soon. No, you can't protect them from everything, but there can be some discretion there, I would imagine.

 

[LindaR]

I have been divorced for 17 years. I have NOT dated at all in that time. (Yes, I have been asked)

Initially, I thought I needed a period of time to get over the divorce and figure out how to be a single mom. During this time I started observing and listening to the marrieds around me. What I saw and heard was not positive. I started really ENJOYING my independence and the stronger person that I was becoming. I also was dismayed at some of the guys who "hit" on me. They were the husbands of people I knew. People who really believed that THEY had strong marriages and sometimes pitied me because I was "alone".

All of those people are now divorced.

Guess what? I LOVE my life! I do what I want, when I want. I travel where I want to travel. I work hard for my income and NOBODY tells me how to spend it or gives "disapproving" looks at MY choices. My free time is MY free time!

Before someone asks.......when I need a mechanic - the car goes to the shop. When I need a plumber - I call one, he fixes, I pay, he leaves. My dogs give me their undying devotion and love AND they don't cheat, steal, lie or abuse.

I have learned to figure out the answers to my questions. That way, if I make a wrong decision I have only myself to blame. If I make a really good decision, I am so proud of me. *I* did it!

I knew that I was a great person and would NEVER put up with "stuff" again. I set my standards extremely high. No one has come close. I will never settle for less because that's all there is.

I love my life and have very few regrets. Sorry this was long but this is a subject that I feel very strongly about.

I have raised a very strong independent daughter who relies upon herself for her happiness and knows that others can ADD to it, but not provide it.

 

[lyzziesmom]

I am a single mom and I do not date much. Since I got an annullment in 2004, I have had only one relationship which was pretty casual and lasted about 4 months - maybe 10-12 dates.

I guess my situation is a little different because I have sole custody of my kids, so if I'm home, the kids are home. I work full-time, my mom will babysit the kids one night a month if I ask her at least a week in advance -- that does give me much opportunity for dating. The one guy I did date was a coworker and we would sometimes go out to lunch, but our schedules were very different (I worked 8-5 and he worked 12-9) so it was hard to find time without the kids. I introduced them earlier than I wanted to because there was just no other way. They were very sad when he stopped coming around.

Honestly, I have had such horrible experiences with men that I have little to no interest in dating right now and am very much enjoying being on my own. I cannot imagine letting someone else into my life because I love it so much the way it is. I suppose if I met the right person, I would give it a whirl but it's not anywhere the top of my priority list, if it's even on the list at all. I'm sure I'll change my mind eventually but right now, I'm perfectly content not dating.

 

[KarenMom]

LindaR - I couldn't agree more. I've been divorced for 10 years and have not dated. I love my life the way it is. If I wanted to date, I would, but I don't feel the need. My life is full with work, kids, travel, friends, hobbies, etc. I'm sure those who date feel just as strongly regarding their choice. I'm glad we all have the choice and can do what is right for us without feeling that we should be doing it a certain way. Some people don't understand we I don't want to be in a relationship, but that's o.k. they don't have to live my life. I'm all for doing what is right for yourself.

 

[RichNKatHolly]

I have been divorced for 17 years. I have NOT dated at all in that time. (Yes, I have been asked)

Initially, I thought I needed a period of time to get over the divorce and figure out how to be a single mom. During this time I started observing and listening to the marrieds around me. What I saw and heard was not positive. I started really ENJOYING my independence and the stronger person that I was becoming. I also was dismayed at some of the guys who "hit" on me. They were the husbands of people I knew. People who really believed that THEY had strong marriages and sometimes pitied me because I was "alone".

All of those people are now divorced.

Guess what? I LOVE my life! I do what I want, when I want. I travel where I want to travel. I work hard for my income and NOBODY tells me how to spend it or gives "disapproving" looks at MY choices. My free time is MY free time!

Before someone asks.......when I need a mechanic - the car goes to the shop. When I need a plumber - I call one, he fixes, I pay, he leaves. My dogs give me their undying devotion and love AND they don't cheat, steal, lie or abuse.

I have learned to figure out the answers to my questions. That way, if I make a wrong decision I have only myself to blame. If I make a really good decision, I am so proud of me. *I* did it!

I knew that I was a great person and would NEVER put up with "stuff" again. I set my standards extremely high. No one has come close. I will never settle for less because that's all there is.

I love my life and have very few regrets. Sorry this was long but this is a subject that I feel very strongly about.

I have raised a very strong independent daughter who relies upon herself for her happiness and knows that others can ADD to it, but not provide it.

You should feel strongly. I would imagine you get lots of "hey, I have a great guy for you", etc. I can certainly respect anyones desire to NOT date. Thanks for posting your point of view.

And, just for the record, I do not need any guy to do anything for me - I got that from my divorce and I'm so proud of myself for it as well. I can take care of my car, mow the lawn, do minor household repairs (or use the phone to dial up someone who can). I just think that for me, I like the companionship and I'm not that good at the whole girlfriends thing. I respect your position entirely - there are definitely things about having a guy around that I did NOT miss as well .

 

[Buckalew11]

I'm sure it is very different for different individuals.

My SIL did not date for 20 years until her son was in college. I really wondered about that but she felt very strong about raising her son and about not having men come and go from his life. I remember thinking, "her son will grow and leave her and she'll be all alone and she'll be too old to care about starting a relationship." But I was very wrong. I think she did the right thing (at least for her) and she'll be remarried for 3 years in November. She and her new DH are so happy! (he had no kids)

I do remember having a sister who was 8 years older than myself and she brought boyfriends home as a teenager. I always adopted them as my "boyfriends" too (bratty little sister) and I was always so hurt when they would break up. This would definitely be foremost on my mind if I was in the position to be dating and if I let my kid(s) meet the man(men).

Still, I think there is no right or wrong answer. Very individualized and if you are aware of certain issues, I think it can be done w/o too much trauma to anyone.

 

[lyzziesmom]

My mom still does not understand that I just don't want to date. She tried to talk me into joining a huge megachurch (that's not even our religion!) just so I could become involved in their singles group. She encourages me to go back to school, yes for a higher degree but also to find a husband. She is constantly telling me about so-and-so who is getting remarried to show me "there is still hope." She mentions this one or that one who has a good job and "would be a good mate." (Ew!)

The woman is just baffled by the idea that I am not interested in dating. I don't understand why she doesn't get it, because she was there through my sham marriage and has seen all the trouble I went through with my girls' dads - both deadbeats and one of whom is a con artist. She was there when my child support check finally came and it was for a nickel. We lived in her basement for a while during my marriage and she heard the verbal abuse. Still she tries to set me up and wonders why I don't try harder. Ugh, it's so frustrating. Of course, this is a woman who was married at 20 and went from her parents' house to her husband's house, so she knows no other way.

 

[flrose]

to LindaR! I especially love the

I work hard for my income and NOBODY tells me how to spend it or gives "disapproving" looks at MY choices. My free time is MY free time!

LOL, after I first moved out on my own I would turn every light on in my apt. just because I could! The ex would always complain about lights left on and half the time he didn't even work! Anyhow, this isn't a ex bashing thread.
I have dated a bit on and off but, always when my DS was w/his father. I always made plans around when he was going to be gone, as DS comes first. Most men, especially the ones without children, don't work well with the limitation. I have not seen the need to introduce DS to the men I have dated as my standards are set very high and so far have not met anyone who comes close to meeting the requirements and would be around for the long haul.

 

[aprilgail2]

I have been divorced for 17 years. I have NOT dated at all in that time. (Yes, I have been asked)

Initially, I thought I needed a period of time to get over the divorce and figure out how to be a single mom. During this time I started observing and listening to the marrieds around me. What I saw and heard was not positive. I started really ENJOYING my independence and the stronger person that I was becoming. I also was dismayed at some of the guys who "hit" on me. They were the husbands of people I knew. People who really believed that THEY had strong marriages and sometimes pitied me because I was "alone".

All of those people are now divorced.

Guess what? I LOVE my life! I do what I want, when I want. I travel where I want to travel. I work hard for my income and NOBODY tells me how to spend it or gives "disapproving" looks at MY choices. My free time is MY free time!

Before someone asks.......when I need a mechanic - the car goes to the shop. When I need a plumber - I call one, he fixes, I pay, he leaves. My dogs give me their undying devotion and love AND they don't cheat, steal, lie or abuse.

I have learned to figure out the answers to my questions. That way, if I make a wrong decision I have only myself to blame. If I make a really good decision, I am so proud of me. *I* did it!

I knew that I was a great person and would NEVER put up with "stuff" again. I set my standards extremely high. No one has come close. I will never settle for less because that's all there is.

I love my life and have very few regrets. Sorry this was long but this is a subject that I feel very strongly about.

I have raised a very strong independent daughter who relies upon herself for her happiness and knows that others can ADD to it, but not provide it.

I totally agree!!! I also can't believe how many husbands of my friends and guys at work that have wanted to hook up with me-NOT happening!! I cringe when one of those friends tells me what a great marraige they have and how they are each others best friends-I dp NOT want to be the one that says "ummmm, no you don't, your husband is out there hitting on other women" but I just avoid the husbands and go to lunch etc with the wives while the husbands are not around and try to avoid occassions where I would have to see them.
I am VERY happy with my life, my daughter and I do as we like, we want to go away we just go, we don't have to have the apporval of anyone else. Life is good.

 

[RichNKatHolly]

My mom still does not understand that I just don't want to date. She tried to talk me into joining a huge megachurch (that's not even our religion!) just so I could become involved in their singles group. She encourages me to go back to school, yes for a higher degree but also to find a husband. She is constantly telling me about so-and-so who is getting remarried to show me "there is still hope." She mentions this one or that one who has a good job and "would be a good mate." (Ew!)

The woman is just baffled by the idea that I am not interested in dating. I don't understand why she doesn't get it, because she was there through my sham marriage and has seen all the trouble I went through with my girls' dads - both deadbeats and one of whom is a con artist. She was there when my child support check finally came and it was for a nickel. We lived in her basement for a while during my marriage and she heard the verbal abuse. Still she tries to set me up and wonders why I don't try harder. Ugh, it's so frustrating. Of course, this is a woman who was married at 20 and went from her parents' house to her husband's house, so she knows no other way.

I'm not sure of your age, but I know my mom also comes from that "a woman needs a man" generation. My mother went from husband #1 (my dad), right to #2 and then right to #3. She honestly cannot function on her own - I find that very sad.

So, I guess your mom may just be used to the way she was raised and thinks that is what is best. As we can readily see from the DIS - a LOT of people think that the way they did things is best and we all should buy into their way of life.

I'm glad you are happy with your life the way it is and from the little you state in your thread, sorry for what you went through.

 

[LindaR]

I also meant to add that back in the day when I thought that I may at some point want to date, I had definite ideas about that too!

I had custody of my daughter so that meant that she was always with me. I knew that I would never introduce my daughter to "mommy's friend" or "uncle so-and-so". I would date someone for a very long time to make sure that I/we were serious about each other and had compatable values and similar goals and were ready to move to the next step. I decided that if that person didn't grow to love my daughter (not just tolerate) there was no way that the relationship would be allowed to continue. I've seen too many step-parents that "put up" with the child/children of their spouse and who don't genuinely care/love them. No way.

I would never introduce a person too early on because if things did not work out, all my child would see would be a parade of different guys that SHE would never get to have a permanent relationship with. That, to me, would be like getting "divorced" over and over again!

I also have always felt very strongly about leading by example.........if I place a high value on myself, set certain rules and standards and live by them, then my daughter would learn that I live by the rules that I "preached!" I cannot stand the "do as I say, not as I do" sort of thing. To teach respect, you must be respected.

I'm shuttin' up now!

 

[Carrieannew]

This is sad to say but I dont think I ever knew how to date. And on top of that I dont think I can since I was hurt to much in the years of trying. So I go on with my life and focus on my daughter. Between working 2 jobs and school I am not certain there would be time for someone else. Besides I dont think I even know how to do the whole dating thing.

My wall is so high I dont think it came come down.

 

[lyzziesmom]

I have dated a bit on and off but, always when my DS was w/his father. I always made plans around when he was going to be gone, as DS comes first. Most men, especially the ones without children, don't work well with the limitation.

I totally understand. That was a big problem with the one guy I did date last year. He just didn't get it that I need to schedule dates, you can't just call me up at 10pm and ask if I want to go out for ice cream. The kids are already in bed, I can't do it. But if you had asked yesterday or four hours ago... maybe. And since my girls' dads are not in the picture, it's very rare that I'm without the kids. I love spontenaity as much as the next girl, but I just can't do it with my lifestyle. Childless men just don't understand that our time is limited and precious.

I also agree with all those who have talked about standards. My standards for dating are so far through the roof that I don't think I'll ever find anyone good enough -- not so much for me, but for my daughters. I don't ever want them to see me repeat some of the things I've gone through in the past due to poor choices and not high enough standards. I used to see men for their potential, and now I am able to see them (and people in general) for who they are right now at this moment. And most of them are not good enough for us.

I'm not sure of your age, but I know my mom also comes from that "a woman needs a man" generation.

I'm glad you are happy with your life the way it is and from the little you state in your thread, sorry for what you went through.

Thank you. I am in my early 30s, which puts my mom in her mid 50s. She grew up in a very rural area that was (and still is) a little "behind the times." Please don't be sorry for me. I went through some tough times due to a combination of poor choices and bad luck, but I have come out stronger and smarter. Many people have gone through much worse. I would not wish my experiences on anyone, but I'm thankful for them because they have made me who I am now, and I like this girl a lot better than the one I was before. (Well, all except those stubborn extra pounds!) If it were not for the poor choices I made, my daughters would not be here and they truly are the light of my life.

My only regret about not dating is that I might like to have more children in the future. But who knows what the future may hold. Never say never!

 

[arminnie]

I My dogs give me their undying devotion and love AND they don't cheat, steal, lie or abuse.

My dogs have been known to steal food. Don't leave a sandwich where they can get it.